mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Reading all the coping journals inspired me to create one of my own So a little back story about my ex-relationship... (a good part of this is straight from my first post!) I was 16 and a relationship-virgin. Sure I'd had some childish crushes and 'boyfriends', but none that really mattered or counted. I was in a bad place during that time. I had lost all my friends, and felt very lonely and worthless. Every day was the same. Wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, go to sleep. I wasnt going to parties, or hanging out with friends like my other peers. At school, there were a few people I talked to but we werent exactly friends. Good aquaintances? Amongst them was this girl, the first time I saw her, we were freshmen, playing some sort of a name game in one of the classes. She wasnt too pretty, and seemed to have very low self-esteem, but I got this overwhelming feeling that I KNEW her. She felt so familiar and I got a strange feeling that we had some unfinished business (I guess thats the spiritual part of me talking). Her and I got to talking, and I found out I couldnt stand her. She was immature, selfish and talked too much. As it turns out, she didnt like me very much either. Despite this, we kept contact and come December 2008, had become best friends. January 4,2009 we found out that we had feelings for each other! So started a whirlwind romance. I never knew I could feel this way for a girl, such strong pure love. She was my first everything. It makes me a little sad thinking about those days where everything seemed possible. We even talked about forever, marriage and she gave me a ring as a proof of this 'forever'. There were obvious struggles that come with two girls dating. Disapproval from her mom, being teased at school, and scared of my conservative parents finding out. She didnt let any of this affect her, she had known who she was for a while. Myself, on the other hand, was starting to feel paranoid. I wouldnt even hug her in public or sit too close. She had no problem telling her work friends about us, whilst I didnt even say I was in a relationship when I started work. Anyway so around 7/8 months after our relationship began, we started fighting almost everyday and things just began to get miserable. I realize that I was the cause of all the fighting but my poor gf just kept taking it and doing anything/everything she could to make sure I was happy so we wouldnt fight. After almost a year of this, everything she had kept bottled in exploded, crap happened, and we broke up. Only to get back together a week later. However, past resentment, trust issues and insecurities kept boiling up and we became an on/off couple. When it was great, it was amazing, but when it was bad, it was hell. There was no doubt in my mind that she loved and I loved her, but love isnt enough. We were so co-dependant on each other, we couldnt fathom a life apart no matter how miserable we were together. We texted every day, whenever we could. From when we woke up to when we went to bed. We told each other EVERYTHING, there was nothing she didnt know about me. We were best friends, we gave each other advice, shared our sorrows,griefs and happinesses. But 2 weeks ago, I moved away for university and we promised each other that we would try to make this work as much as we could but if one of met someone else, or decided to end it, we would respect and follow that. However, for the past week, I kept analyzing and thinking about our relationship and realized we were never going to work out. We werent mature enough to handle a serious relationship and we both had a lot of growing up to do. We may be compatible when we're older, but for now, we're just ignoring the inevitable because we're afraid of the pain. Hence, 4 days ago, I told her that I thought we should break up and we proceeded to delete each other from our phones, facebook, bbm, etc. Last night, I realized I hadnt really told her the reason for my out-of-the-blue decision so I emailed her a list of why we werent compatible and she and I would be happier with other people. She replied saying she agreed and that she was handling this break up a lot better then our last ones. I told her I was glad, and we said our goodbyes. It has been so hard for me not to text her, or talk to her. Whenever something exciting happens, my mind automtically thinks "Oh I cant wait to tell her this" but then I remember that I cant.. With our other break ups, we wouldve been texting and reconciling by now. This one definitely feels like the real deal, and the only thing holding me back from trying to contact her is knowing that she is handling this well, and that she will be happier without me. She is also trying to move on and let go, and me calling her will make it so much harder for her. I've made so many mistakes in the relationship and I really regret them. I know that letting her go proves my love for her then anything I've ever done, said or bought for her. In my opinion, if her and I are meant to be, one day we'll find out way back. But until then,we both have a lot of growing up and maturing to do. I've decided to seek out a conselor to help me work through my controlling, anger issues and become more comfortable with who I really am. Looking back at myself 2 years ago, I have changed and matured so much. I've learned to let go of past grudges, and be more understanding of people's actions and reactions. I UNDERSTAND why she did the things she did, and I've forgiven her for them. Also talking about being gay right now on here is a big step for me, and I'm really proud of myself. My paranioa was a big part of our break up, and I'm tired of living a lie. In the future, I want to be able to say "My first love was a girl". I want to acknowledge our relationship for what it was because it meant a lot to me. She opened up my life for me, showed me so many things, gave me the love and compassion I really needed. I'm going to take this break up as a wake up call, and improve my life for the best. It will help me in my future relationships, whether it be with her or anybody else
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