moviegal67 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Hi. I'm new to posting on forums but my friends aren't helping and I like the idea of being unknown on the net. I wanted a break from my bf and now... it's a lot harder than I thought. I should say that I am 22 and he is 27. We live 3hrs apart as I am going to grad school. He lives with his parents while I have an apartment of my own. I offered to let him live with me a few months ago but his dad said no. I am his first girlfriend and I always thought that the guy would do lots of romantic or at least sweet things for his first gf. All I really wanted was a kiss and some flowers. I got the kiss, never the flowers. But, he has work which I know is hard. He also has a lot of other activites that he does without me b/c of the distance. I used to see him once a week then it was once a month. I just missed him so much. We would make plans and then something would happen and he couldn't come up. It broke my heart everytime. It took me a few weeks to decide but I wanted a 1 month no contact break because I felt like he needed to get his priorities in check. He was super suprised about it. I did not take the break because I am seeing anyone else. I am just so heartbroken because I miss him but I don't miss everything about him. I miss the physcial connection and I miss the emotional one too but it's kind of like loving an actor on the screen because we would txt everything and rarely talked. I'm not sure why. I loved what he wrote but it would never say those things to me in person. I need some help dealing with this month while I wait to get back together and see if this break helped or if it will truly be a break-up. Thanks!
Author moviegal67 Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Oh hah, sorry I forgot to say that we have been dating for 11 months and we haven't always been so far apart. This is kind of recent. I went to a university that was 30min from him (I saw him about once a week there though too) and when I went home with my parents we were 2hrs apart. Now that I'm in grad school I have my own place and we are 3hrs apart. Not very long distance but it's long enough.
M2155 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Only you know if you truly want to be with him or not, you are both young though so it's okay to want take some time for yourself. If you felt a break was needed, then obviously you sense something isn't right and realize there are some red flags that you need to listen to. Better to listen to this now than when it's more serious. I think taking a break is healthy for each person to realize what those issues were and to miss the other. I absolutely wish I had done that in my situation when we both were still invested instead of draining the life out of the relationship (i.e. staying but not really addressing whatever was wrong). Sometimes we just don't want to admit that maybe we just aren't with the perfect person for us, and that's even harder when we've invested so much into them already. IMO, he isn't treating you like you deserve and while I believe relationships ebb and flow, there is nothing that's going to happen to make him start treating you better unless you refuse to accept less. If it were me I would have a talk with him about what you each want and what you are each willing to give. Then if the actions don't match, don't stay. Timing in a relationship is a critical point, people grow and change so it is possible you guys aren't right for each other at this time in your life.
Corazura Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I can relate to this situation quite well. I think that when you sit down and talk with him after the month, communication is key. Maybe he doesn't realize how much the distance is affecting you and he assumed that things were ok. I can assure you that most people don't intend to be in long distance relationships forever. Perhaps he is just trying to establish a future so that he can have a better one with you? I guarantee that he would rather be living with you than at home with his parents but that he believes circumstances don't allow him to do that at the current time. Just make sure he knows that you feel unhappy because of these things and have him show you that he understands where you are coming from. Guys are notoriously bad a reading minds and many times you need to be blunt with us If he doesn't want to compromise after you lay out the facts and he has no intention of changing things in the future then you need to have a more serious conversation about what the two of you want out of the relationship.
Author moviegal67 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Every day it is getting easier to handle not being with him. Thanks everyone for the suggestions and as soon as I see him when the break is over I will be following the advice. One question though. What does it mean when his mom keeps texting me? I think that it's because she likes me and because my bf and I are not talking she has no idea what is going on in my life and is honestly curious. Of course I can't help but wonder if she is spying on me to report back to her son. Any moms out there that could shed light on this? Or am I just overanalyzing the whole thing?
Author moviegal67 Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I have 13 days left of the NC. Some days are better than others. Today is okay not great but it's okay. I have little to do and so little to take my mind off of everything.
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 so let me get this straight - you wanted a break from him because according to you he can't get his priorities in order in regards to spending more time with you? maybe its called having a balanced life - you know a life that a healthy happy individual has = balance. ask yourself this question.. would he have wanted a break from you knowing that you have other obligations besides him? shows how inconsiderate and selfish you are as a partner. wow! its called a little bit of understanding! lol
Author moviegal67 Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 so let me get this straight - you wanted a break from him because according to you he can't get his priorities in order in regards to spending more time with you? maybe its called having a balanced life - you know a life that a healthy happy individual has = balance. ask yourself this question.. would he have wanted a break from you knowing that you have other obligations besides him? shows how inconsiderate and selfish you are as a partner. wow! its called a little bit of understanding! lol I think you were totally joking with this post right? But to justify my position here it is: I wanted a break because I am not in his priorites at all nor in his life a lot of the time. I do think that if you have a girl/boyfriend that you would want to spend as much time with them as possible and when you can't be with them then you would want to call or text or whatever. I am only trying to give him a break from having a girl and figure out if he wants a girlfriend or if having a girlfriend is a novelty.
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 I think you were totally joking with this post right? But to justify my position here it is: I wanted a break because I am not in his priorites at all nor in his life a lot of the time. I do think that if you have a girl/boyfriend that you would want to spend as much time with them as possible and when you can't be with them then you would want to call or text or whatever. I am only trying to give him a break from having a girl and figure out if he wants a girlfriend or if having a girlfriend is a novelty. no, i wasn't joking actually. i mean to him he probably was thinking damn wtf did this chick just do breaking up with me? i thought we were doing just fine. i mean if he had a problem with the relationship he would have said something to you right? i know most men do unless their scared of their women which i dont think he is not. but hey you have the right to cause the break if you're needs weren't being met but i just think it's very selfish for a person to get into a relationship with another when you knew fully how his life was that he had other obligations besides you. you know the world doesn't revolve around you lol and to me this guy seems like he has a very healthy and balanced life and he probably doesn't give a crap if you guys work out or not. this dood wont beg for you back, you're going to have to beg for him back. why try to fix something that wasn't broke from the start? just because of your selfish needs
Rorschach64 Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) I think you were totally joking with this post right? But to justify my position here it is: I wanted a break because I am not in his priorites at all nor in his life a lot of the time. I do think that if you have a girl/boyfriend that you would want to spend as much time with them as possible and when you can't be with them then you would want to call or text or whatever. I am only trying to give him a break from having a girl and figure out if he wants a girlfriend or if having a girlfriend is a novelty. I'll be honest here coming from a some what similar situation except it was the total opposite since I was dumped for talking as much I can with my ex-f as it was a LDR and giving her gifts, but ended up being declared as too clingy and became unattractive because I was all about the relationship, thus leading her in to breaking up with me because of made up excuse. That being said, you were WRONG because of the fact you just broke up over him being busy with his job and all that stuff and didn't bother to really communicate it ( I could be wrong on that, might have missed that part ). However, you NOT WRONG in the fact it takes two bloody minutes to write a text or email saying 'oh hey what's up, miss you babearoni sauce!' or giving you the time of day. That is just bull **** in my mind to not be able to do that, on top of the occasional gifts and/or flowers. I do not believe with the modern conviences of the internet/cell phones there is a legitamite excuse to NOT stay in contact with someone at least once a day in relationship because I would love to know how my girl is doing, especially in LDR situations. God knows when I am up at 4 am and working in to 11 pm during Army training I still found time to talk to my ex-fiancee, but what do I know I was CLINGY from a distance of 9,531 miles by doing that. Edited September 28, 2011 by Rorschach64
Author moviegal67 Posted September 28, 2011 Author Posted September 28, 2011 I haven't broken up with him by the way. I thought that I was doing the best thing because in the beginning I had no idea it would be like this. Who does? I said in my original post that I was just on a break. I thought that both needed time to figure out our lives and if we could fit each other in. I am all for getting back together, it's all I can think about. My "selfish needs" are to be talked to more than once a day and maybe get to see him once a week on the weekends if we can. I am in school and trying to find a job. He has his job, boyscouts and family. Yes, I do want to see him more than once a week but right now that is just not possible.
antz2411 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 I haven't broken up with him by the way. I thought that I was doing the best thing because in the beginning I had no idea it would be like this. Who does? I said in my original post that I was just on a break. I thought that both needed time to figure out our lives and if we could fit each other in. I am all for getting back together, it's all I can think about. My "selfish needs" are to be talked to more than once a day and maybe get to see him once a week on the weekends if we can. I am in school and trying to find a job. He has his job, boyscouts and family. Yes, I do want to see him more than once a week but right now that is just not possible. breaks break up their all the same. but hey you know healthy relationships are based on understanding, trust, and patience. sometimes you dont get the things you want in life, but if you apply those 3 things in your relationships eventually you will. i just really didnt see why you to go NC with the guy, like i said he is probably wondering like wtf is going on? and for you to not say anything for a month and leave him wondering does build resentment unless he doesnt care. you should have consulted with him first if you guys wanted a break out of respect, thats all im saying.
Rorschach64 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 breaks break up their all the same. but hey you know healthy relationships are based on understanding, trust, and patience. sometimes you dont get the things you want in life, but if you apply those 3 things in your relationships eventually you will. i just really didnt see why you to go NC with the guy, like i said he is probably wondering like wtf is going on? and for you to not say anything for a month and leave him wondering does build resentment unless he doesnt care. you should have consulted with him first if you guys wanted a break out of respect, thats all im saying. My mistake movie! Apologise! Anyway, your needs aren't selfish just you should have attempted lines of communication that's all before going NC and not had to put him through that, just like Antz said. After what I have just gone through, if anyone ever and I do mean EVER pulls the taking a break card on me again, I am walking because it is just simply bull **** to me it is just someone running away/looking for a 'legal' way to screw around.
Author moviegal67 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Posted September 29, 2011 Rorschach64 I can understand how you would feel that way. What happened to you was very sad. I guess I forgot to mention the 3 hour drive to his place that I took so that we could talk this out. It was about a 4 hr convo but it seemed like it took forever. Sorry, I can see how this is confusing lol I really thought that I had put it in the original post. But yeah, he knows why we went NC and we talked about everything that I wanted to and he told me some stuff about me that he wanted me to change too so during this break I'm working on it. I didn't just randomly wake up one morning and say "I'm just not going to talk to him because of X Y and Z". But yeah I guess since I forgot to reread my first post it sounded that way. I'm telling you I am just not used to the internet. What seems obvious to me isn't obvious to everyone else lol.
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