Besmy Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Hello friends, As usual, after reading many of your posts and a number of incredible stories, I have a couple of thoughts that I would like to share with you. I have come to the (many doctors would say obvious) conclusion that not all people are fully mentally healthy. I believe a number of behaviours displayed by some of our ex ARE NOT NORMAL. Examples: One day they say they love you, cannot live without you, would never leave you (and all variances of this soup..) the next day they dump you. One day they say they love you, the next day they love someone else.Or worse: One day they say they love you, the next day they love someone else, then they actually do love you, so yes, they come back to you, no sorry, they were mistaken again, they prefer the other...One day they want a relationship with you, the next day they do not want a relationship. They have to "grow", "look within themselves", they "need space", whatever!One day you're gorgeous, fantastic, the next day you're ugly / fat / old / mental / boring.....One day you're the only one in the galaxy they desire, the next day they sleep with someone else.One day they make plans to marry you, the next day you're too clingy and they need their freedom.One day they go away / on holiday (and all variances, like you have to go away instead) and gosh, every day is such an agony without you! They soooo much do miss you and text you and call you! When they come back they dump you.One day they are so jealous of you, nobody else shall ever have you, the next day they dump you. Let me add an example from my ex the sloth: one day they insist and organise to introduce you to their mum because you're "the one", the perfect girl they "love to bits", two days afterwards they dump you via txt with no explanation. So my dear friends, do you really think that all these behaviours are perfectly normal? Does anyone agree with me at all? Are you still looking for the ultimate answer: WHY DID (S)HE DO THAT TO ME? A hug
Mack05 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Besmy, I made the mistake after my last relationship to focus on my ex's problems. I firmly believe my ex has a personality disorder but the truth is, it just doesn't matter..A breakup after the hurt is gone, should be about focusing on our own flaws. We should be focusing on learning from the mistakes we made in the relationship, not what our ex's did or didn't do. There is nothing worse then moving to a new relationship and committing the exact same mistakes (people that just focus on their ex's after a breakup tend to be these types of people). Maybe our ex's are mental, maybe they are not but there is a very true saying. "Water seeks it's own level". Before the start of my last relationship, my self esteem was in the gutter and I was very insecure. Guess what pattern the relationship went (toxic). My ex is a very emotionally immature girl (not woman). Guess what I was? Her male equivalent. I will always say at on this website grieve and heal for as long as you need, but the sooner you start turning this inwards and stop focusing on your ex, the sooner the recovery and the sooner you can start attracting the right kind of woman/man. Right now I feel healthy, happy, and good in myself. You can guess the kind of woman I have attracted ;-)..I joked with her last night, that she is my greatest ever achievement in life haha.. Right, I have been putting this gym off long enough! Extra Lazy today...Get up Mack!
eleanorhurting Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I agree that we should focus on ourselves but this just makes me feel horrible about how i have screwed up every relationship i have been in. I feel like crap.
mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Yep, I agree with all of your examples and heard alot of those.After almost a year together she dumps me to go back with her ex. Maybe I'll just never give my heart to another woman because the pain you endure after they dump you just isn't worth it.
Kageytn Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I know neither of us were emotionally or mentally well. Our relationship worked because of our dysfunction. As I began to grow stronger and set boundaries, he pulled away. Hence, the break up. Now, he likes to talk to me about his therapy work. I am not talking to him, though. Im working on myself and my issues. He can find someone to use to process his therapy work.
Fleabitten Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 My ex is clearly abusive - I'm not going to attempt to analyse exactly in which ways he is a mental moron, but my psychologist mother said a long time ago that he is a narcissist. Which seems to fit the bill pretty well indeed.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Good post. Even people deemed mentally fit have personality and development shortfalls. I think the key is to find one's self and be true to that as much as possible. Young people have a hard time with that because there is nothing yet to "return to" when they go awry. There's no "recovery" if there was no "discovery". So, we're lucky any time we encounter someone who has found a "center" for themselves and knows what to do to nurture it.
wilsonx Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I agree with water seeks its own level. Once that pain is turned inward you will see that. You need to find what it is that let you stay in that emotionally abusive relationship. There is something there. My friend found his demon and I found mine. Therapy really helps if you can't find it.
appletini Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I agree with Mack but at the same time, it does sort of help seeing your ex in that "mentally unhealthy" light. My ex from a couple years ago definitely had a personality disorder (which was later confirmed by some mutual friends and acquaintances), and once I started realizing this I experienced a boost in confidence. After listening to him put me down for months, I started internalizing his comments... when I realized he was just messed up in the head, the insecurities began to wash away. My more recent ex had (several) substance abuse problems, which I chose to ignore because they were not full-blown addictions, we had a lot of love for each other, and they were not about to cause any serious legal or safety issues (we're not talking heroin here). Only over the past few days am I realizing that the way he behaved and the demise of our whole relationship is directly related to this problem. I feel better knowing that it's not that I "wasn't good enough" or that "he could do better", but rather that he was dealing with withdrawal symptoms and other discomforts that did not make a truly equal and functional relationship possible. Eventually he chose to eliminate those symptoms and pick his habits back up, rather than continue to work through them for the sake of our relationship. Sucks, but it's his weakness, not mine.
wilsonx Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I agree with Mack but at the same time, it does sort of help seeing your ex in that "mentally unhealthy" light. My ex from a couple years ago definitely had a personality disorder (which was later confirmed by some mutual friends and acquaintances), and once I started realizing this I experienced a boost in confidence. After listening to him put me down for months, I started internalizing his comments... when I realized he was just messed up in the head, the insecurities began to wash away. My more recent ex had (several) substance abuse problems, which I chose to ignore because they were not full-blown addictions, we had a lot of love for each other, and they were not about to cause any serious legal or safety issues (we're not talking heroin here). Only over the past few days am I realizing that the way he behaved and the demise of our whole relationship is directly related to this problem. I feel better knowing that it's not that I "wasn't good enough" or that "he could do better", but rather that he was dealing with withdrawal symptoms and other discomforts that did not make a truly equal and functional relationship possible. Eventually he chose to eliminate those symptoms and pick his habits back up, rather than continue to work through them for the sake of our relationship. Sucks, but it's his weakness, not mine. What you failed to see are that your last 2 relationships have the same problem. You are repeating a pattern. Someone with a substance abuse problem usually has some sort of issue with thier life that they are covering up. You have been in a relationship with 2 emotionally unhealthy people in a row and this is a pattern. This is why mack05 is right and you can't just blame the other person for the relationship not working. This is not emotionally honest and responsible to yourself
Buttercup84 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 My ex took medicine for anxiety , don't think there is anything wrong with that . But got emotionally abusive and easily angry , not just at me .
GinaM Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 yes 90% true about my ex its crazy Hello friends, One day they say they love you, cannot live without you, would never leave you (and all variances of this soup..) the next day they dump you. One day they say they love you, the next day they love someone else.Or worse: One day they say they love you, the next day they love someone else, then they actually do love you, so yes, they come back to you, no sorry, they were mistaken again, they prefer the other...One day they want a relationship with you, the next day they do not want a relationship. They have to "grow", "look within themselves", they "need space", whatever!One day you're gorgeous, fantastic, the next day you're ugly / fat / old / mental / boring.....One day you're the only one in the galaxy they desire, the next day they sleep with someone else.One day they make plans to marry you, the next day you're too clingy and they need their freedom.One day they go away / on holiday (and all variances, like you have to go away instead) and gosh, every day is such an agony without you! They soooo much do miss you and text you and call you! When they come back they dump you.One day they are so jealous of you, nobody else shall ever have you, the next day they dump you.
Sugarkane Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Man I could totally relate to this post OP! Especially with their bipolar type of behaviour. In the end it's so draining and I know it will probably never make any sense. I know Mack is right on this one.
appletini Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 What you failed to see are that your last 2 relationships have the same problem. You are repeating a pattern. Someone with a substance abuse problem usually has some sort of issue with thier life that they are covering up. You have been in a relationship with 2 emotionally unhealthy people in a row and this is a pattern. This is why mack05 is right and you can't just blame the other person for the relationship not working. This is not emotionally honest and responsible to yourself Clearly this is something that has been addressed personally - I'm certainly not recommending not turning the mirror on oneself, but I'm saying that there is some closure and comfort in knowing that you don't have to believe or internalize some of the horrible things people say, because they themselves may be emotionally unstable or hurting. I know it's obvious, but when you're in it, it's not that clear. For much of my childhood and adolescence, I accepted a negative comment from anybody and assumed he or she had to be right. By giving them the upper hand and assuming everyone knew better, I allowed my self-esteem to degrade into nothing. Has I recovered from this? Yes, probably 85%. Is it the underlying reason for my poor choice in men? Yes, probably. But, have I developed a toolbox that helps me rationalize these comments and recognize that some people are just ****** crazy, so that my self-esteem will remain in-tact? Yes.
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