Guys who have left your girlfriend/wife, etc. Why do guys act like this?

[momto3boys]

My husband told me he wants a divorce after fighting for a few weeks.

 

I will admit, i have texted him everyday and one minute im nice, the next minute im mean. I'm 8 months pregnant, have 2 kids and moved from Maryland to North Carolina to be with him (military) and i am stuck down here til next weekend. I have no one down here, so i find myself texting him a lot.

 

 

He said i am nagging him and it just makes him angry. He said everyday its the same text over and over again, the same conversation over and over again. That i am glad we are over (said out of anger of course) and how much of a jerk he is (but honestly he has been a jerk).

 

I am staying at our house right now and he is couch surfing right now. I thought the separation may help considering things were so tense around here and i was not able to eat or sleep, i lost 5 lbs (which obviously isnt good while being pregnant). So i asked him to leave until i move out of the house. He agreed to stay somewhere else. But he keeps talking about how i kicked him out of the house, he is sleeping on a small couch at his friends house, he goes days without showering, etc.

 

 

Here's the thing, he is always short with me "ok", "yeah" "whatever" texts. He does not call me at all, doesnt answer my calls. He sometimes just shows up at our house without telling me. When he watches the kids when i have appointments and things he ends up asking when ill be back and blowing up my phone when im gone after an hour and a half. Really annoying. Or if im out for a long period of time and he knows im out for a long period of time, he will call to try to talk about the divorce. Even though ive tried talking to him about it multiple times and he doesnt say much about it on texts like i said "ok", "yeah" , "whatever".

 

I understand me constantly texting and bothering him is not a good move, i know this. It's probably pushing him away. I want things to work out but i kind of almost feel like theres too much anger there to work things out.

 

My question is why is he being so short when i contact him, but when im out he tries to contact me. Thats the only time he contacts me. He keeps saying he doesnt think things will work, he wants to file for divorce. I am moving back home next weekend and i know it will be easier for me not to text him as much because i will be back with family and friends. Down here i have no one but him.

[carhill]

Unclear on his particular motivations but IME for a man who is normally connected and expressive to progress to one-word responses means to me, as a man, if you were a man he'd have already punched your lights out. He's being as civil as he knows how with due respect that you're a woman and carrying his child. I got this way when I emotionally detached from my exW. Her existence was extremely annoying but I'm generally a civil person so I didn't express my natural emotions of annoyance. This dynamic occurred markedly while we were divorcing and she was mucking up the procedural processes of it and engaging me about stuff I had already figured out and told her how it needed to go for the court to approve it. It got to where all I would give was one-word answers or at most one sentence. I just wanted her gone.

 

The key is here:

 

"He said everyday its the same text over and over again, the same conversation over and over again."

 

Most men, even myself as an erstwhile tampon for listening to women's complaints, hate this. We put up with it because other aspects of the relationship or M are satisfying to us and outweigh this. When those good parts go away, this gets extremely annoying.

 

Could both he and you handle things differently here? Sure. We all have choices. None of them are perfect. Since you're moving back home, this issue will essentially go away in a week. That's good news. Better than it dragging on for months.

[momto3boys]

Thank you for the input. I really try not to text but like i said i have no one down here. So i have no support system down here and i am sorta clinging on to him because i have no one down here and because i dont want things to be over. i really want things to work out. He just got back from Afghanistan in Dec and just hasnt been the same. It is sort of like a slap in the face to me because he was gone for a year and i was really there for him and stayed faithful and bent over backwards trying to help him adjust to being back home and he wants to just end things.

 

So he is emotionally disconnecting himself from me? Once this happens with a man, is there anyways to fix it at all? Im hoping me moving away will give him his space and possibly time to cool off and possibly work things out.

 

As a man, honestly...Do you think the best thing for me to do is to just leave him a lone, move away give him his space and not contact him...can that possibly work at all? We have been married for almost 5 years, gonna be having a baby in a few weeks. Been through a lot these past 2 years because of the military.

[carhill]

It's possible he has a mental/emotional disorder from his service. If so, he will have to choose to get help on his own.

 

That he would push you away while nine months pregnant says a lot, IMO.

 

If I were advising you, I'd say to focus on your health, children and your baby to come. Back-burner him for now. I think that is the healthiest thing for you. If he's still engaged on some level, he'll show it. If you have occasion to speak with him (I'd highly recommend personal communication, like in person or on the phone), tell him exactly that (about focusing on yourself for now) and leave it on a positive note.

 

For him, couch surfing as a returning war veteran may be his version of 'cave time'. Unknown. Regardless, you have no control of him or his behaviors. Do what's best for you. If he comes around, he does. Decide then what next steps are, if any.

[Crazy4what]

It can be PTSD, what did he do in overseas? depends on his job line as well.

 

If you want to work things out... that doesn't happen in 2 or 3 weeks, sometimes it takes years....

 

But the healthiest thing for you to do is move. He moved a lot having no one else... but you are not used to that.

 

 

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Being a Military wife is a the hardest usually takes more dedication. But it takes two also to work things out.

Best bet is to MOVE give him space. Dont text him too much coz he will have lots of EMOTIONAL RUSH going on. He might say things that he dont really mean and feel guilty about it later on thats why he tries to contact you no matter what. At least he is still communication in some sort.

 

OR there is a 3rd party involved.

 

Either way good luck for both of you.

 

 

Ex Combat Vet

Edited September 17, 2011 by Crazy4what

[momto3boys]

Thank you for the advice, both of you. As for his job, he was a gunner in Afghanistan so i know he has killed a good bit of people. He is a combat engineer, so they find IED's. I know he had a bad deployment, seeing one of his favorite guys die, being blown up by IEDS, gun fights, etc.

 

The only thing that i dont understand is, he is distancing himself from me and no one else. Which hurts because i was the only one there for him while he was deployed. His mom contacted him two times, that was it in the whole year. Now they're close again and i am being shut out of his life. He hasnt been trying to see our son and i told him i felt like he was alienated himself from our son and he said no he has alienated himself from me. Which hurt to hear.

 

Im going to just move home and focus on my kids. Feeling sorta guilty because my oldest son just started his first year of school and has only been here for 2 weeks and is already transferring. If things do work out i wont be moving back.

 

We do have marriage issues, so it is hard to identify if it may be a mental problem from being deployed or he has just had enough with the problems we have had (his mother and i hate each other.) i do feel though that he may possibly have PTSD. i have threatened to call his commander if he didnt get help and stay away til i move. He was drinking a lot, abusing his sleeping pills, so i do think there are some issues from being deployed. he wont talk to me about it though. Im trying to give him some tough love right now by forcing him to get help.

[momto3boys]

I forgot to mention, i have asked if there's another girl. He keeps saying no. But he is on facebook constantly and if he's out he wont answer my calls. I sort of think there might be, but im not 100%.

 

 

We have had sex twice since he said he wanted a divorce and it was sorta weird. He went back to sleeping on the couch after sex. And after the 2nd time he acted annoyed when i tried to talk to him after and went back to the couch and he said it wasnt a good idea to have sex again.

 

Does that sound like there may be someone else? im so confused!

Edited September 17, 2011 by momto3boys

[othersideofthepillow]

in response to you saying that he has been overseas and did have a bad deployment, when did he return...did he just get back? how long was he over there?

 

i can tell you that as a former marine who served 2 tours overseas and have seen some things id rather not have in my time over there, i was difficult to adjust back to regular life. some of us (members who have been deployed) can adjust very quickly back to regular life, some take more time and some take a extreme amount of time and help getting adjusted.

 

for me it took a few months to be comfortable again and around 7 months to be fully adjusted. often times in these cases the ones that are closest to us are who gets the most unfair treatment. is it fair....heavens no. but in trying to adjust, there are ways to handle things while deployed that are ENTIRELY different when you are back home.

 

i suggest that you give him space. DO NOT THREATEN TO CALL HIS COMMANDING OFFICER - DO NOT GIVE HIM "TOUGH LOVE" - when dealing with things from deployments it something that NO ONE can understand UNLESS you yourself have been there so please dont do that anymore!!!

 

id suggest the occasional text here and there but mainly just let him know that you know there are problems but that you are there for him...NO MATTER WHAT and WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT, not completely right now but in the future.

 

as far as the other woman goes, i highly doubt it. when he goes out im assuming its with his military buddies, the guys he was with overseas? its nothing personal but he is very close to them now and in essence they have become his IMMEDIATE family and the ones he feels "safest" with - not that thats fair/right by any means but it happens just from familiarity as well as experiences overseas.

 

thats just my 2 cents but for what its worth i hope it helps...good luck!!!

[momto3boys]

othersideofthepillow - Thank you for the response. He has been back from Afghanistan since the middle of Dec, so he has almost been home for a year. He was fine at first,things were great. But he did start wigging out on the kids all the time, feeling anxious because one is ADHD (which is hard to deal with in itself) and our other son cries all the time. They're also very hyper around each other. THey can be very frustrating, but they're boys He went to counseling after being home for 4 months and that did not help. They just gave him sleeping pills that he abused.

 

He is acting very paranoid now and said he told all his high commanders how im trying to say he's crazy (i guess because i threatened his commander) and they all know "what im doing" Although i havent done anything. He has now threatened to take me off his bank account and is acting very paranoid. He keeps saying how much he doesnt care about me. He also went 2 hours away to myrtle beach with his friends, but yet he had no money to give me to get home to Maryland. So i am so angry.

 

I think my best bet is to move home and cut off contact. I have tried to contact him about taking our son and he is going to tomorrow. I have also made it clear to him that i dont need his help moving, i just wanna get out of here. I cant handle all the emotional abuse anymore. I need to get outta here asap.