Chicken_little Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Hi everyone, I've never posted on a forum before, so forgive me if I am really long winded and a little rambly. First though, I would just like to say how relieved I feel to find this forum, I feel like i'm not alone here. I know it's a crazy long post, but I would really really appreciate someone giving me advice. I'm feeling so awful at the moment. Like at the end of my tether, crying at anything, sick to my stomach awful. I'm in a live-in relationship with my boyfriend, we've been together almost 4 years. And I'm starting to worry its actually a really unhealthy relationship. My boyfriend is like two people. On one side an incredibly loving, considerate, thoughtful, kind, funny, intelligent, sweet- he's my best friend, makes me feel safe and beautiful and loved more than anything. He'd never cheat on me and would give his life for me. And I love him so much. On the other hand, and it takes NOTHING to switch from one to the other- he is critical, pessimistic, mean, confusing, thoughtless, obsessive, neglectful. After about two years of being together, he started breaking up with me, or saying he would leave, whenever we would get into a semi-serious arguement. And I would talk with him and convince him he was being senseless and we would make up. But he did it all the time. And I would find myself keeping my opinions to myself or being overly nice or agreeable just so he wouldn't get into a mood. He stopped that after a while, and we've had so many great times, like floating on air great, but it was always there. And recently more so. In the last year I think he has tried to 'break up' with me atleast 6 times. And I dont want to say i "begged" him not to, but it was pretty close. The thing is I know he doesn't mean it (and I know right now I sound like a crazy desperate girl that can't except reality, but trust me here) because I know I'm the most important thing in his life (he has a horrible family and isn't that close to his friends) and tells me so all the time. He constantly includes me in our future plans and its just a given that we will spend the rest of our lives together. So I put up with his wierd self-destructing supposed 'break-ups' because i know he doesn't mean it. But should I really be putting up with that all the time?? He had awful parents and abuse in his childhood and it's left him with alot of baggage. He suffers from depression (I wonder sometimes if he is bi-polar), has serious body issues, etc. So I feel like i make excuses for his behaviour. How can someone go from one day making me all my meals, singing me impromptu silly songs on the guitar, serenading me, telling me how much he adores and loves me, giving me back rubs, having lovely passionate times together, dancing with me in the street, jumping on the bed together, holding me for hours ETC ETC, to having massive screaming arguements where he tells me to f**** off, get out and recently calling me a lying, twisted piece of s***, a stuck-up b****, my family freaks and that if they didnt have money my dad would kill himself ETC ETC... I would never, EVER, put up with that from anyone else. I am a strong young woman (or maybe I'm not anymore??), I don't just take stuff lying down in any other way. But I worry that because I am a nice person (I dont think i've ever been intentionally mean to anyone in my life) and empathetic, and that I really love him, that I let him get away with far, far too much. He constant breaking-up with me has put me in a state where tears are just below the surface all the time, where I feel like I am walking on egg shells, that I'm constantly second guessing and doubting myself. I feel scared alot of the time, just waiting for the heartbreak to happen finally this time. I am not a coward; I've been mugged, I once fought off a rapist, I went travelling all over asia by myself when I was 18, but i think this is the most scared I've ever been, when he's trying to break-up with me. I'm starting to think I might be genuinely crazy. I just don't know what to do. I know I've been emotionally distant from him in the last month or so (because my dad and grandma both think the relationship is a mistake) and I worry that that has triggered his behavior over the last few weeks and things being so awful. So I really do want to give it another chance and see if we can be happy. Because I know we really could be and have, a lot of the time. Am I crazy? Am I overreacting? Am I under-reacting? Help please..... Greatly appreciated, Sarah xx
Recommended Posts