Marsil Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Hi, First off, I am in a relationship with someone I love and everything is fine. But my problem is that my ex is still on my mind. I wouldnt act on it ever. But I feel like I am still coping and coping and it has never really ended. I don't think about him everyday or cry over it but hes still on my mind and sometimes when I hear a song, or hear a mutual friend say his name, I just feel this pain. It's been over for 10 years. Basically since I started dating my current bf. I am in love with my bf and I would never hurt him, he is everything I want and he loves me the way I am since we meet. Why do I keep feeling this pain over a breakup that happened so long ago? 10 years ago we had a fight, I canceled my part of our trip to Europe and left, he not only went to Europe but he went with another woman whom I assume he meet before we broke up. Anyways, it was horrible for me, to me he was my soul mate. I went NC right away and for about 3 months we didnt talk. I never tried to contact him, I was too proud to even attempt it. But one day we bumped into each other at college and he said lets walk for a bit. He basically burst into tears and said how sorry he was and that it was over with the other girl and that it was a huge huge mistake. By that time I had been on a few dates but nothing serious. I told him I didnt want to be with someone who wasnt sure about me not even for a second. I left him on the sidewalk and went back inside the building with tears in my eyes. It was so hard but I couldnt let him in so easily again. He started calling me again and soon enough I kind of forgive him and went back to him. After maybe a month he was feeling like he wasnt sure about me again so I took my things and left. No long after that I meet my current bf and I never looked back. We did have mutual friends and even my bf and him were friends. We also went to same college/university so it wasnt easy to avoid him. I did thought for about a year. The he took a class he knew I was taking and tried to get close again, but my pride and the love I have for my bf prevented me from giving him any type sign that I was still in love with him, but I kinda was. Every time I would see him, my heart would start pounding . I started ditching my class and since most of my classes were in the same building as his I decided to change majors just so I wouldnt see him everyday or even have the chance to bump into him. He noticed right away and one day called me and asked me to go for a coffee. I did went but only because I didnt want him thinking I had still feelings for him. So I went and he then told him that he still loved me and wanted me back. Btw him and my bf were friends. It didnt seem to bother him at all that he was betraying his friend. Anyways, I told him I wasnt into him anymore and that I had move on completely and that I accepted his apologies and that we could be friends but nothing more. I dont know if he believed me because I had a really hard time saying it. Fast forward a year later. I am a party, half drunk and I run into him. He starts talking to me, 5 minutes later hes crying sayings he misses me. I was so overwhelmed that I couldnt stay. I left the party immediatly, he followed me outside and I told him I couldnt deal with it and to please give me space. I went back home to my bf. It was so hard, so hard. I thought about it for weeks after that. I couldnt deal with it, whenever I was alone at home I would take a look at pictures of happiers times with him and I would listen to our music and I felt miserable for weeks. I don't know how long it took me but I started feeling better again after some time. Fast forward another two years, I see him again at a friend's house. We talked for hours, like we would do when we were together, we would talk for hours and hours about anything. He seemed to be over me and I was feeling happy but also heart pounding, etc. I didn't see him or talk to him again for another year or so, but we keep running into each other and last time I talked to him I was having trouble even breathing normally. I don't want him back, I just want to get over him and stop thinking about it. Ive had breaks up before even meeting him and althought it was hard, I would eventually totally get over my ex and never look back. But with him it was different. I still remember the first time we spoke, the first time we kissed. I remember what I was wearing, how his hair looked. I still remember and it is still kinda of painfull. It is not like I am not trying. I did everything I could to physically seperate myself from him, I never called him since we first broke up. I never answered to his pleads. I was as cold as ice after my friends told me he went to Europe with someone else. I could never get forgive him. Sometimes I think I was too hard on him. I dont know. Anyways, I know he is in facebook and hes tried adding me, which I wont do. I can't bare the thought of him with someone else looking happy. I hope he is happy, but I dont wanna see it. Not sure it makes sense. So, what else can I do to just get over him? I love my bf and he has absolutely no idea that my ex even attempted getting back together with me while we have been together, I never told anyone. Sometimes I wish there was something like in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind to just erase people and move on. Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders. I watched it again about a month ago, I think it is better to keep the memories but some people have a way of getting under your skin and nothing works. I wish I could erase everything. I never believed in soul mate concept before I meet him. I remember walking by, randomly looking into his eyes and he was looking into mine. I remember thinking OMG what is going on. I felt this intense heat and desire to talk to him. He was a complete stranger but it was as if I was meant to meet him. I felt like I suddently knew what love was all about. It was so strange. I have never felt like that ever again. Isnt sad? I just wish now that I never talked to him and that I would of taken another path that way, miss school or just be late. I want him to get out of my mind. I dont have his phone number, I declined his friend request on facebook and I have never attempted to get back but it is still hard to cope with this. I wish I never see him again.
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