cantaloupe Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 So. My ex broke up with me just shy of 2 months ago. We dated for 5 1/2 years. We talked on the phone tonight because I was feeling finally ready to return some of his belongings and was setting up a time. After talking for a long time I asked him some pointed questions about his feelings and it turns out: -He still loves me. -He is still IN love with me. -He is not over me. -He thinks of things he would like to do with me on a daily basis. -He misses talking to me at night and I am the only person he wants to talk to about certain parts of his day. -The amount that he loves me and is in love with me has not changed at all. Turns out he doesn't think that love ever changes or that you fall out of love with someone. -He doesn't want to be in a relationship. I'm left wondering... is this normal for a dumper to feel almost 2 months out of a relationship?? Shouldn't there have been some fading of emotion? I understand that dumpers also have feelings but it seems silly for him to be hanging on to something HE chose to end. I fought for us, he did not. Anyone else have similar experiences? Can any dumpers chime in?
confusedandupset Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 As I was reading through what your ex boyfriend is feeling, the last statement made it clear what he actually wanted. It is normal to have lingering feelings, and the two of you were together long enough (my gosh 5 1/2 years is a long time) for him to have created an entire identity that was meshed with you in it. But that does not deter from the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. The day before my ex and I broke up, he told me that he didn't think it would ever be possible for him to ever stop loving me, but that also didn't save me from the fact that he was having a hard time telling me he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. I'm sure with a couple of beers and a couple of statements about me from his friends would have him crying like he apparently did a long time ago. Obviously we have a tendency to assume that because a person ended it with us it was their decision, that they gave up and not us, but sometimes it's other things, such as incompatability or miscommunication that could be to blame. And yeah, if you dig your grave you just have to lay in it, but that doesn't always mean it's what you wanted it to be.
Author cantaloupe Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Oh, I agree about the last statement he made. I added it so people were clear that this was not about getting back together. I was just so shocked to find that he was emotionally in the same exact place that he was when we were dating. Personally, I have had to begin moving on and letting go of some of my feelings for him. It would be detrimental for me to feel the exact same way as I did while we were dating- I'd never get over him! It just struck me as a little unhealthy for him to be holding on to such strong feelings. It's as if he hasn't processed anything besides that we are no longer dating. He also keeps referring to it as a fresh break-up.. It's been two months. Not that fresh.
Graceful Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Love is not one size fits all. There are many variations of love, many intensities of love, and the mystery behind it is such that you don't really even know what someone means or is experiencing when they tell you that they feel love for you. He still loves you. Translation: I love you, but not deeply. You're moving into friend zone love. He is still IN love with you. Translation: He is IN love, but not madly in love with you. Not deeply. One foot in, one foot out. He is not over you. Translation: He misses hanging out with you because it was a comfortable relationship and he enjoyed your company. He felt at ease with you. He misses talking to you. Translation: He hasn't made a new friend like you that he can confide in just yet, so he misses having someone to confide in. The amount of love he feels hasn't changed. Translation: It hasn't. You're right. What makes you think his feelings were that strong to begin with? If he loved you deeply, madly, with devotion, dedication, and felt that he could not live without you, he would not have broken up with you. The type of love he feels for you is not that strong, and that's the problem right there. He does not feel immutable love for you. He does not want to be in a relationship. Translation: Take him at his word. I'm left wondering... is this normal for a dumper to feel almost 2 months out of a relationship?? Shouldn't there have been some fading of emotion? I understand that dumpers also have feelings but it seems silly for him to be hanging on to something HE chose to end. I fought for us, he did not. Anyone else have similar experiences? Can any dumpers chime in? His emotions did fade, obviously. They faded before he broke up with you, or again, he never would have broken up with you. Why is he being "silly" -- he has his emotions to play out in his own way, in his own timetable, just as you do. He didn't "fight" because he has clarity that the relationship is over; that doesn't equate to him being over it, or not feeling sad. See the nuances. You're only seeing black and white. There are many shades of gray to a breakup, you know. Take care.
TheDovic Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Graceful, that was a very insightful post! Really made a lot of sense to me and I'm sure to the person who created this thread!
Kuite09 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 My ex of 7 yrs has told me the same thing. We've been broken up for almost 6 months and he is currently dating someone but yet still tells me I love you, You can not tell me how to feel you mean so much to me. You were my everything, I wanted to marry you, I still care and if I didn't care I wouldnt be here explaining myself to you and telling you all this. So yea, its extremely confusing.
69ways Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Yep very confusing. I got this 3 weeks ago which confused the hell out of me. I used to love you but dont know if i want you back and I am not happier without you.......
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