mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Hey guys, this is my first post. I was reading a thread about the fate of on/off relationship and seeing how helpful everyone was made me want to join this website I really need a place to just vent and rant, and hopefully get some insightful or encouraging advice My girlfriend and I fell in love and begun dating (almost out of nowhere) a little more then 2 and a half years ago. We were both 16 but so madly and hopelessly in love. It makes me a little sad thinking about those days where everything seemed possible. We even talked about forever, marriage and she gave me a ring as a proof of this 'forever'. We had fought before, but around 7/8 months after our courtship began, we started fighting almost everyday and things just began to get miserable. I realize that I was the cause of all the fighting but my poor gf just kept taking it and doing anything/everything she could to make sure I was happy so we wouldnt fight. After almost a year of this, everything she had kept bottled in exploded, crap happened, and we broke up. Only to get back together a week later. However, past resentment, trust issues and insecurities kept boiling up and we became an on/off couple. When it was great, it was amazing, but when it was bad, it was hell. There was no doubt in my mind that she loved and I loved her, but love isnt enough. We were so co-dependant on each other, we couldnt fathom a life apart no matter how miserable we were together. We texted every day, whenever we could. From when we woke up to when we went to bed. We told each other EVERYTHING, there was nothing she didnt know about me. We were best friends, we gave each other advice, shared our sorrows,griefs and happinesses. But 2 weeks ago, I moved away for university and we promised each other that we would try to make this work as much as we could but if one of met someone else, or decided to end it, we would respect and follow that. However, for the past week, I kept analyzing and thinking about our relationship and realized we were never going to work out. We werent mature enough to handle a serious relationship and we both had a lot of growing up to do. We may be compatible when we're older, but for now, we're just ignoring the inevitable because we're afraid of the pain. Hence, 4 days ago, I told her that I thought we should break up and we proceeded to delete each other from our phones, facebook, bbm, etc. Last night, I realized I hadnt really told her the reason for my out-of-the-blue decision so I emailed her a list of why we werent compatible and she and I would be happier with other people. She replied saying she agreed and that she was handling this break up a lot better then our last ones. I told her I was glad, and we said our goodbyes. It has been so hard for me not to text her, or talk to her. Whenever something exciting happens, my mind automtically thinks "Oh I cant wait to tell her this" but then I remember that I cant.. With our other break ups, we wouldve been texting and reconciling by now. This one definitely feels like the real deal, and the only thing holding me back from trying to contact her is knowing that she is handling this well, and that she will be happier without me. She is also trying to move on and let go, and me calling her will make it so much harder for her. I've made so many mistakes in the relationship and I really regret them. I know that letting her go proves my love for her then anything I've ever done, said or bought for her. Fate brought her and I together, and if we are truly meant to be, it will bring us back. Reading posts from here made me realize I'm not the only one suffering through hard break ups, and it really helps me cope. Thank you for whoever was kind and patient enough to read all this, I know it wasnt short If you have any advice or tips on getting through this, please dont hesistate to share.
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Good for you, brother. Taking a step back and finding your calm is often a good way to rebalance your life, and the break up sounds like one of those moments. I understand the urge to share things with her: that's habitual by now so you just need to get out of the habit of sharing with her. Maybe think about sharing more in real life with people around you rather than by written communications like email / facebook / text. Also think about why you did the dumb things you did and use it as a learning experience, then you can find and practice better ways to react in similar situations in the future. Use this place as somewhere to vent. It definitely helped me
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Thank you betterdeal! It definitely helps knowing you arent alone. I cant believe how free I felt after writing all that. She used to be the person I'd vent to about my feelings and problems, and I was going crazy holding everything in. This website is a blessing.
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 It certainly is! Thing is, I think us men these days generally lack from having buddies to talk to, but that's changing for the better. It's good to have someone to hear you, even if they don't know the answers it helps to know what you're thinking has been registered with someone, right?
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Haha betterdeal, I'm not a man but I understand where you're coming from. Most people these days are too busy with themselves to ever listen to anyone else's problems you know? Its at times like these when you find out who your true friends are. Genuine, caring people are so hard to come by
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Yeah, I guess that's to do with what society promotes as normal and expected, which seems to be to be a happy, confident person who achieves that state by buying the right things. As long as you have the right ipad / deodorant / car insurance it'll all be peachy, right? LOL
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 LOL at deodrant! But I completely agree with you. People are too caught up with their gadgets and apps to form a real relationship - friendship or romantic. I had a 'best friend' who would have a new earth-shattering problem every day, but if anyone else was having problems, she wouldnt care and find a way to turn it into her feelings! I believe theres a pattern in the kinds of people you attract - dating and friendship wise.
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Oh sure, I agree with that. Birds of a feather flock together. By that token, be the type of person you'd like to mate up with and it'll happen.
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Thats great advice! Thank you, I really appreciate it
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 You're very welcome So, if you don't mind me asking, how did arguments go between you two? What was a typical exchange and were there any moments when you didn't feel equipped to handle it well?
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 No I dont mind at all. Talking about it is all part of the healing process! During our 'official' relationship, I was pretty controlling and had way too many expectations for everything. Everything had to go my way, and I was moody and upset a lot (about the stupidest, littlest things). I dont know how, but she put up with that for almost 2 years. However, inside she was obviously unhappy and building a lot of resentment, which led to her going behind my back to talk to and spend time with her ex (for whom she still had feelings for towards the beginning of our relationship) for almost 3-4 months. When I found out, I broke it off and the trust in our relationship just went down the drain. Of course, a lot more stuff has happened, but it all comes down to the resentment, and lack of trust we had for each other. We'd get back together, be happy, then fight about the same old thing, and split up. But when first broke up, it was a definite wake up call for me for all my horrible actions, and I started to change. I dont regret out on/off periods because I really learned and grew from them. I am not that same bully of a person anymore and I'm glad. We also werent very compatible in the sense that our major life goals were different (me being very studious, and goal oriented while her not really caring or putting in any effort for anything). There were so traits about her that I could not stand or be willing to put up with for the rest of my life (never takes responsibility for own actions, everything is somebody elses fault). She was a compulsive liar, and was dishonest and manipulative in so many aspects whilst I couldnt let go of the past and just forgive. We were both horrible in the same amount, just different aspects. I'm defintely not blaming her for everything. Now when two people fight about the SAME thing all the time and a person keeps making the SAME mistake over and over, the relationship just seems doomed doesnt it? Despite us being in love, we both knew we werent going to last for very long. We brought out the worst in each other. Very dysfunctional relationship!
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 (edited) It certainly sounds difficult! We all lie, are dishonest and manipulate others, right? The degree to which differs from time to time and person to person, but it's a human frailty. If she had been as forthright and loud as you, do you think that would have led to a better dynamic? If you could both articulate your feelings in similar ways to one another, there would be a healthy exchange? I'm thinking two loud Italians gesticulating wildly and shouting at each other and what not is as good a pairing as two quiet Swedes being all calm and thoughtful. What I'm suggesting is that two people who shout and express themselves similarly can have a very functional relationship. One that works well for them. Equally, two quiet people who don't like conflict can have a good relationship. It may not be the case with you and your ex, you may have been more concerned with winning and being in control than anything else, but you could also have just been being you, and she her, and the combination wasn't right for you guys? Edited September 17, 2011 by betterdeal
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Oh we all definitely lie and manipulate. I will admit that I'm guilty of it as well. Had I been in a relationship with someone like myself, it wouldn't have worked out for even a day. Each time we broke up, we would convince ourselves that things will get better, we will change and somehow be more compatible. I see your point in saying that her and I were just being ourselves, but it just didnt mash well together. That makes me very sad. Its just not fair that two people can love each other, but not be together. I always thought when there's a will, there's a way. Could we really have salvaged the relationship if we were only being ourselves?
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Maybe. I think it was Einstein that said success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. That's to say, you achieve your goals through work, practice, and a little bit of luck. I mean, I could probably run a marathon: it would just take quite a few hours training and weight loss and new shoes and less smoking and ... Someone said to me that people are objects. Very intricate ones with very intricate surfaces. When we get close to, bond with, another person, it can be hard to change those surfaces, because whilst they may be grating against each other, they're held in place by each other. So pulling apart creates a space, a vacuum, and you're more free to start changing your surfaces and start filling that space differently from before. When you start to bond with someone else again, (might be her - might be someone new) the surfaces may be different and the bond accordingly different. Hmm. Makes sense to me but I am very spatially aware as it were!
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 That is a very interesting analogy betterdeal. I was aware that different people brought out different characteristics within you, but I guess the timing also influences which characteristics are brought forth? The thing that always held us back from breaking up is that we feared we wouldn't develop such a strong bond of love and caring with someone else. When you look around, most people are (of various ages) still haven't found their 'one and only'. I certainly dont want to get back with her any time soon (and I know she doesn't either). We're still so young, and we need time to mature and grow alone, and reflect who we really are. My theory is that if we were meant to be, we'll cross paths again and be more ready to handle a serious relationship. We've been one person for almost 3 years. We've lost a sense of who we really are.
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Well, sounds like you have a good grip on the situation. Finding out who we really are is a good journey to take and one that will benefit your relationships with everyone you come across.
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Thank you, it really is amazing how much venting about it on here is helping me see the bigger picture
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 It's great, isn't it? I have a question: which dance style shall I try first? Tango, salsa or ceroc?
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Haha the randomness of the question caught me off guard but added a nice touch of humour I had no idea was ceroc was so I searched it up, and I like what I found! Wikipedia says "Ceroc is a partner dance best described as a fusion of Salsa and Jive (dance), but without the complicated footwork". Sounds great to me, unless you're into complicated footwork
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I think I'll give all three a go, see which one works best for me!
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Great idea! If you dont mind me asking, what were your coping strategies for your break up?
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Well, I was a right state and ended up spending three weeks in a mental health unit after a serious suicide attempt, so I was dealing with moderately severe depression, a mid-life crisis, substance and emotional abuse issues, so, well, it's a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong story. You sure you want to hear?
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 I've got a lot of free time left now, but only if you want to share. If not, I understand, its a very personal matter.
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Thinking about it, I'd rather not I've revisited quite a lot and discussed it here, with therapists and others a lot and whilst I don't shy away from it, I do think that if at some point you can put these things to rest and move on, it's a good thing
Author mehtaad Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Kudos to you for holding on, and surviving!
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