Birdland Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I went on a date last week with a girl who doesn't do it for me. Our conversation was fine, she was intelligent, and I enjoyed myself, but she's fat. Not gigantic, but large enough where I can't really (but not totally) see myself being intimate with her. I know it's dishonorable, but unless I have a miserable time, I generally say something at the end of the 1st date like, "This was fun. We should do it again." I know, I'm a coward/p***y. This particular girl immediately said something to the affect of, "If you're asking me out again, the answer is yes." Since that point, she has made clear several times and in unsolicited fashion her interest in seeing me again. It wouldn't kill me to see her one more time. As I said, I did have fun. On the other hand, it's exceedingly unlikely that anything will come of this, and I don't want to lead this girl on. I can either a) accept that I need to pay for my dishonesty, and take her out on a nice-ish date (my treat) and if she asks for a 3rd, give her some platitudes about chemistry, or b) just blow her off/tell her the sanitized truth. If she lost the weight, she'd have a lot going for her, and I wouldn't want to preclude the possibility of a purely platonic relationship. However, what is most important to me is that I, at some point, make clear that my interest in her is not romantic. What's the most decent path forward?
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I personally would appreciate being told the truth; especially before going on any further "dates" (platonic outings)...
Cracker Jack Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 The best decision is to not go on another date with her.
ScienceGal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Don't go on another date with her, but don't tell her it is due to her weight though. Just tell her you had fun but did not feel a romantic connection.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Don't go on another date with her, but don't tell her it is due to her weight though. Just tell her you had fun but did not feel a romantic connection. I dunno... I'd want to know why.
ptp Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Just tell her the "no chemistry" excuse. That is best way to spare her feelings and still end it honorably.
KathyM Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I don't think it's a good idea to comment on her weight. She knows she's overweight. No point in bringing it up. I think the honest thing to do, and least hurtful, is to just not ask her out again. You're under no obligation to ask her out again. If she asks you when you'd want to go out again, just tell her you're thinking there's just not enough chemistry between you, and that you don't want to lead her on.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I don't think it's a good idea to comment on her weight. She knows she's overweight. No point in bringing it up. I think the honest thing to do, and least hurtful, is to just not ask her out again. You're under no obligation to ask her out again. If she asks you when you'd want to go out again, just tell her you're thinking there's just not enough chemistry between you, and that you don't want to lead her on. She may know she's overweight, but she may have other ideas as to why she failed to attract him. Why do people think it's best to leave people in the dark? Because it *hurts* less? Being told there's no chemistry probably hurts anyway, and the mind can go wild with trying to figure out why... and it can mislead itself into any number of other possible insecurities. She may already lean on that is *why* too... but being told why could also be beneficial. I'm pretty sure if a guy told me I was great except for the fact I was a fatty, I wouldn't take it personally but be rather happy to have weeded out someone who is shallow in that regard. If it really bothered me, and I kept encountering rejection over it, it may indeed entice me to change it, too.
fetish1980 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 i'm going to be the rebel here and say, Go out with her again. I agree that its not right to lead people on, but she can't really feel a romantic connection unless you give her one. Just go out and have a few drinks, laughs, and etc. I tend to think of it as getting practice and experience just interacting with different people, big, fat, small, white, black, or purple. That way when an attractive girl comes along, you'll be more confident and have less anxiety about talking to her. You already know that a fat girl is not what you want. But some friendly conversation without romance shouldn't hurt. She'll get the point if you play your body language right such as: not gauging in her eyes for more than 3 seconds, not leaning yourself towards her, and etc. So, go ahead, take the phat girl out again:p fetish
mrgoodcat Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Oh,thank God, the Onyxsnowfall psychologist is here. Still not done with her nightly trollathon of BS, I see.
KathyM Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 She may know she's overweight, but she may have other ideas as to why she failed to attract him. Why do people think it's best to leave people in the dark? Because it *hurts* less? Being told there's no chemistry probably hurts anyway, and the mind can go wild with trying to figure out why... and it can mislead itself into any number of other possible insecurities. She may already lean on that is *why* too... but being told why could also be beneficial. I'm pretty sure if a guy told me I was great except for the fact I was a fatty, I wouldn't take it personally but be rather happy to have weeded out someone who is shallow in that regard. If it really bothered me, and I kept encountering rejection over it, it may indeed entice me to change it, too. Sometimes the cold hard truth is just too harsh to say directly. Telling someone "I don't want to date you because you're fat" is not a kind thing to say. Letting someone down easy in order for them to save face is usually preferred by both parties. I'm sure the girl knows that her weight is limiting her dating options. Saying that there isn't chemistry is less harsh, but also true, and does not insult a person.
Cracker Jack Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 She may know she's overweight, but she may have other ideas as to why she failed to attract him. Why do people think it's best to leave people in the dark? Because it *hurts* less? Being told there's no chemistry probably hurts anyway, and the mind can go wild with trying to figure out why... and it can mislead itself into any number of other possible insecurities. She may already lean on that is *why* too... but being told why could also be beneficial. I'm pretty sure if a guy told me I was great except for the fact I was a fatty, I wouldn't take it personally but be rather happy to have weeded out someone who is shallow in that regard. If it really bothered me, and I kept encountering rejection over it, it may indeed entice me to change it, too. Do you think it would always be beneficial to tell the other person why you weren't into them? Or only in certain situations?
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Do you think it would always be beneficial to tell the other person why you weren't into them? Or only in certain situations? Only in certain situations (especially when it's sought). He could very well just tell her that he's simply not interested in seeing her again (although he expressed an interest in having a platonic relationship with her... in which case, she should know that her chances at more with him are highly unlikely. If she is fine not understanding why, then so be it... I just personally would want to know, especially before deciding whether or not to invest into just a platonic relationship with someone whom I was sexually interested in. The rejection would in fact lower my intrigue there and make it more possible).
country_gurl Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 i'm going to be the rebel here and say, Go out with her again. I agree that its not right to lead people on, but she can't really feel a romantic connection unless you give her one. Just go out and have a few drinks, laughs, and etc. I tend to think of it as getting practice and experience just interacting with different people, big, fat, small, white, black, or purple. That way when an attractive girl comes along, you'll be more confident and have less anxiety about talking to her. You already know that a fat girl is not what you want. But some friendly conversation without romance shouldn't hurt. She'll get the point if you play your body language right such as: not gauging in her eyes for more than 3 seconds, not leaning yourself towards her, and etc. So, go ahead, take the phat girl out again:p fetish Niiiiice. Yes, lead the girl on, waste her time further and get her hopes up all for nothing. What is wrong with you, seriously? To the OP: you should NOT bother with a 2nd date when you clearly feel no physical attraction/chemistry and to do so is really very selfish and rude. You don't have to tell her that it's because of her weight because surely she knows she's overweight...and there are plenty of guys out there who would NOT be turned off by it..........so just tell her that upon further consideration you just didn't feel any chemistry and wish her well.
Cracker Jack Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Only in certain situations (especially when it's sought). He could very well just tell her that he's simply not interested in seeing her again (although he expressed an interest in having a platonic relationship with her... in which case, she should know that her chances at more with him are highly unlikely. If she is fine not understanding why, then so be it... I just personally would want to know, especially before deciding whether or not to invest into just a platonic relationship with someone whom I was sexually interested in. The rejection would in fact lower my intrigue there and make it more possible). Oh, okay. Thanks for clarifying. I remember trying to get a reason out of a woman for "rejecting" (she was as harmless as she could be here. She also wanted to stay friends) me, but I got the usual "It's not you, it's me" which sucked. I'd rather her tell me anything else but that, but eh, that's how it is sometimes.
fetish1980 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 (edited) Niiiiice. Yes, lead the girl on, waste her time further and get her hopes up all for nothing. What is wrong with you, seriously? To the OP: you should NOT bother with a 2nd date when you clearly feel no physical attraction/chemistry and to do so is really very selfish and rude. You don't have to tell her that it's because of her weight because surely she knows she's overweight...and there are plenty of guys out there who would NOT be turned off by it..........so just tell her that upon further consideration you just didn't feel any chemistry and wish her well. I really don't look at it that way if he sets those boundaries upfront. By not engaging in any romantic interest or any kind of flirting, he wouldn't be leading her on. That's a way of telling her without actually telling her and mentioning her weight, risking hurting her feelings. He could also tell her that he's not looking for a relationship at the moment, but wait on her to steer the conversation that way. Timing is everything. All i'm saying is that she's a person, a potential friend. Even if he was interested in her romantically, a friendship would have to develop first and foremost. I knew that i would get some opposition but I tend to be just like the O/P. I look at the face and the body too. I'm realizing that i can be a little shallow at times, but that shouldn't count a person out on a potential friendship just because they're overweight. He mentioned that they both had good conversation. Everyone on here is acting like it should be all or nothing. fetish Edited September 17, 2011 by fetish1980
frenchiefun Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Why did you go out with her in the first place if she doesn't measure up to your standards? And how patronising are you. You've already wasted enough of her time. Don't waste anymore of it.
Calutaxi484 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Why did you go out with her in the first place if she doesn't measure up to your standards? And how patronising are you. You've already wasted enough of her time. Don't waste anymore of it. This! If she's fat why did you go out with her in the first place if you know you don't like fat women? I also don't think it's shallow to choose to not date fat women. I see it as a sign they don't take care of themselves. Being fat (in most cases) is a byproduct of lifestyle choice. Many fat people make excuses that it's a health related problem, but that's completely BS. Being fat is the cause of health problems, not the other way around.
make me believe Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Go out with her again. I agree that its not right to lead people on, but she can't really feel a romantic connection unless you give her one. Just go out and have a few drinks, laughs, and etc. I tend to think of it as getting practice and experience just interacting with different people, big, fat, small, white, black, or purple. That way when an attractive girl comes along, you'll be more confident and have less anxiety about talking to her. You already know that a fat girl is not what you want. But some friendly conversation without romance shouldn't hurt. She'll get the point if you play your body language right such as: not gauging in her eyes for more than 3 seconds, not leaning yourself towards her, and etc. So, go ahead, take the phat girl out again:p fetish I totally disagree with this! Going out with her again is completely leading her on, even if he doesn't act flirtatious on the date. She WILL read into it and assume that he enjoyed their first date and is attracted to her, because why else would he ask her on a second date?? It doesn't really sound like the OP needs "practice" interacting with people, as nothing in his post gave the impression that he has low self-confidence. Plus, the kind of interaction you are suggesting isn't going to help him with somebody he is actually attracted to anyway.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Men with integrity are able to face situations head on with grace and sensitivity. Call her up (on the actual phone) and tell that you don't think that you two were meant for each other but that you think she has many wonderful qualities. You can reject someone and still give them a compliment for something you do like in them. You do not need to tell her that her weight is the issue. Her weight is an issue for you. Since you will no longer be part of her life, it's really rather irrevelant for her to know. Yes, other men also might not be attracted to her for her weight but there will be men that will be attracted to her. Also OP, your last sentence was rather patronizing when you said: "If she lost the weight, she'd have a lot going for her.." Turn that sentence around and instead say, "if he made more money, he'd have a lot going for him." And you see how lame that sentence really is. She already has a lot going for her. She just doesn't have the body type you want. Once again, lets all note the lack of outrage that men aren't expressing when it's another man talking about a woman's body. Suddenly all the short guys or average guys are tight lipped.
The Outlaw Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 No offense or anything, but it's best to tell her the truth rather than lead her astray. Don't think you would appreciate being done the same way. Just saying.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 All i'm saying is that she's a person, a potential friend. I think she should be given the chance to decide if she wants a platonic relationship with him, personally. She's interested in him, and sometimes, people are interesting enough that the romantic prospect can be set aside... If he just blows her off completely and never finds out if she's also interested in just platonic relations well... I guess it isn't the end of the world anyway... but maybe she would have liked to have a voice in it. A lot of people seem to favor "compassion" over honesty / risks...
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 You can have compassion AND honest AND risk. He can't be the man she needs so he needs to be honest about his lack of interset in her so she can find a man that can be the man she needs.
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