AirforceWife Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 My husband and I have been together for 9 years total and married for 5 of those years. About a month ago my life came to a standstill as he did the unthinkable to me. We are a military family and were excited to get orders to leave our current base which we both were excited about. Who wouldnt be excited to move to Vegas. As the months went by as our move date got closer we drew further apart. I noticed he was being distant in July and i asked him about it and he said to me that he didnt know if he wanted to be married anymore. I was hurt and I started to explain every option to keep our marriage going. I am not a fan of divorce. After this conversation My husband began to act more loving. He began to touch more, we didnt argue, we were even intimate. I decided that since everything was going so well that I would be more open with him. I did things that i wouldnt normally do like stop nagging, or even something simple like watch a scary movie (which i hate) but it made him happy to have someone watch with him. So to prepare for the move we decided that I would leave NM a little early and go visit my family in VA and he would drive out to NV. Once he had a place I would join him with our dog. Everything went as planned until he had been in Vegas for about a week. He sent me a text saying that he think it would be best if I stayed with my family and basically that he wanted a divorce. I felt so betrayed and blindsided. I was truly hurt and I did what i thought was right. I begged and pleaded that we should make our marriage work. He then said he was tired emotionally and didnt have anything else to give. He wants to be single and live carelessly without any responsiblity for another human being. Although im hurt I have to say I understand why he would feel this way. We've been together since high school and he got married a month before 19 and i was about to turn 21. The problem is that i dont feel this way and i love this man. My biggest fear is that he will never come back. People say that he will once he comes down and realizes what he's done but im afraid he wont. Or that if he does there would have been so much damage done in the time apart that i couldnt be with him again. I know it will get easier with time but I think that i will always love him. He's a good guy he just doesnt want to be married I dont know what to do and i have none of my things. he has everything but he's across the country. I came to VA with a little over a week of clothes and my dog. I am devastated and somedays i cant find the strenth to get out of bed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. If anyone has any military advice that would be awesome too.
Lis007 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I am sorry you are in this situation and I dont have any magical advice but that you take one day at a time... It is hard but you will find the strength to carry on. Even if you don't see it now... Are you communicating at all? How are you surviving financially? What is your instinct telling you?
Steen719 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Aren't military personnel required to take care of their families, provide financial support, etc. I think you can contact his commander and ask to have some support and find out how you can get your belongings from him at his expense. You are still married to him and he has to make this right, even if means you are divorcing. Hopefully, someone who has been in the military will address this. I worked for Red Cross as the acting director to service to military families and veterans for one year and at that time, we had many spouses calling us for assistance. About why he is doing this and what you should do; I don't know. I find it harder each day to reconcile how people should act and how they do act. He does not seem to want to work on it, though, so maybe you should work on getting some support, getting your things and at least you will not be destitute and only have one week of clothes. What a prince! I do think this, though. If you are away from him long enough, your biggest fear might be that he will come back. Best to you. Let your family help you and try to take care of yourself.
hopesndreams Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 My husband and I have been together for 9 years total and married for 5 of those years. About a month ago my life came to a standstill as he did the unthinkable to me. We are a military family and were excited to get orders to leave our current base which we both were excited about. Who wouldnt be excited to move to Vegas. As the months went by as our move date got closer we drew further apart. I noticed he was being distant in July and i asked him about it and he said to me that he didnt know if he wanted to be married anymore. I was hurt and I started to explain every option to keep our marriage going. I am not a fan of divorce. After this conversation My husband began to act more loving. He began to touch more, we didnt argue, we were even intimate. I decided that since everything was going so well that I would be more open with him. I did things that i wouldnt normally do like stop nagging, or even something simple like watch a scary movie (which i hate) but it made him happy to have someone watch with him. So to prepare for the move we decided that I would leave NM a little early and go visit my family in VA and he would drive out to NV. Once he had a place I would join him with our dog. Everything went as planned until he had been in Vegas for about a week. He sent me a text saying that he think it would be best if I stayed with my family and basically that he wanted a divorce. I felt so betrayed and blindsided. I was truly hurt and I did what i thought was right. I begged and pleaded that we should make our marriage work. He then said he was tired emotionally and didnt have anything else to give. He wants to be single and live carelessly without any responsiblity for another human being. Although im hurt I have to say I understand why he would feel this way. We've been together since high school and he got married a month before 19 and i was about to turn 21. The problem is that i dont feel this way and i love this man. My biggest fear is that he will never come back. People say that he will once he comes down and realizes what he's done but im afraid he wont. Or that if he does there would have been so much damage done in the time apart that i couldnt be with him again. I know it will get easier with time but I think that i will always love him. He's a good guy he just doesnt want to be married I dont know what to do and i have none of my things. he has everything but he's across the country. I came to VA with a little over a week of clothes and my dog. I am devastated and somedays i cant find the strenth to get out of bed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. If anyone has any military advice that would be awesome too. No military advice here but it does sound as though there is somebody else. The best thing to do, for your sanity, and for him to come to his senses (about who he will lose, YOU) is to let him do what he wants, he is going to anyway. Any grovelling and showing him fear, will only drive him into the arms of his other interest even further. No respect=No love. Stop thinking he is a good guy! Good guys don't leave their wives with a text. Remember that.
Author AirforceWife Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 I am sorry you are in this situation and I dont have any magical advice but that you take one day at a time... It is hard but you will find the strength to carry on. Even if you don't see it now... Are you communicating at all? How are you surviving financially? What is your instinct telling you? Yes we are communicating but i think he only does it to appease me. Right now I am at my parents home but he does make sure i have money. Its not the best situation but its better than nothing. He says he cares about my well being but he doesnt want to be with me. As for my instinct, i dont know. All i know is i love this person and the problems that we had in our marriage are totally able to be fixed but i cant do it alone. He has to be willing and for now he wants to be single.
Author AirforceWife Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 That sounds really tough to be going through, especially since your post makes it sound like he isn't trying to help you move forward. Has he followed through and filed for divorce? Or has he only withdrawn himself to the point where you have no idea what he is doing? I personally would have also expected him to courteously give an ultimatum -before- moving preparations were done. Wishing you the best. Take things one step at a time, and please remember to -breathe-! I know that's something I must remind myself of when stressed. Some days breathing and putting one foot in front of the other is truly all you feel you can do. Just don't give up. Check out any resources around you for additional support and guidance. He has filed for divorce. He says he doesnt want to drag it out. I feel like things are moving too fast and i dont know how to handle things like this. I feel so lost. I would have loved an ultimatum, it would have gave me a chance to evaluate things and make the changes necessary before it was too late. It bothers me to no end that I didnt get the chance to save my marriage because he was secretly annoyed and never spoke a word about it.
Miky Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I am truly sorry for your pain and what you are going through and I hate to bring it up but it smell very fishy for me, are you absolutely certain that there is no other woman in the picture?
Author AirforceWife Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Idk if theres someone else. He says its not but one can never be so sure
Miky Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Idk if theres someone else. He says its not but one can never be so sure You have to find out, this does not seem logical that out of the blue he wants out, your position in terms of divorce (and also for your own recovery) will be different by far if this is the case. I would start investigating and digging
itllgetbetter Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Miky: Just curious - why do you say that her position wrt recovery would be different if there was an OW? Is it that recovery would be easier for BS if there was an OW?
Miky Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 Miky: Just curious - why do you say that her position wrt recovery would be different if there was an OW? Is it that recovery would be easier for BS if there was an OW? What I meant that in many cases finding out there is a third party may definitelly affect how one precieve the situation and resolve to fight for one marriage in a different way then just dealing with the WS I know that I would be more inclined in a presense of a third party to fight it completely different (i.e. fighting for the marriage through exposeure/outing if the affair) then just trying to deal with a WAW or WAH It would be also better for me to recovery as I am a strong believer that in that situation the best way to have any chance of getting your WW/WH back is to let them go, this will achieve 2 main things, it will definitely present the strongest change of a WW/WH to return and will help healing and moving on for the BS
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