clickofthelight Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 So I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend of about 1.5 years. Long distance is new to us, so I realize that we may still be getting used to things. Regardless, I've been getting pretty irritated with my boyfriend lately because often when I call he will text me back and say "I'm busy. Call you tomorrow." and then sometimes the next day he won't even call me back and I will have to wait up to 3 days for him to finally initiate anything. The main issue is that I have come to want and expect for us to talk every night. Due to having problems in the past about this (he once almost broke up with me because he thought I was demanding too much of his time and being too clingy), I even asked him when we first became long distance, how often we should talk...and he said every night would be good. We don't text much during the day--if anything, it's just to say we miss and love each other every now and then--so I really don't think a short phone call every night is too much to ask for, especially because we hardly see each other in person (every few months or so). I hesitate to bring this up again for fear of it causing problems like it did in the past. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to talk every night? Should I just deal with what he wants and speak every 2 or 3 nights or so?
2far Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I think you are reasonable, but you have to be careful when asking for more time. Don't be kingly (even though I have to admit that I do not follow my own advise). He should look forward to talking to you, not be afraid of you complaining that he has not talked to you before.
Author clickofthelight Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Alright...so I guess I will just have to deal with it. Maybe I'm just really insecure, but every time I get shot down with "busy--call you tomorrow," I feel sad and rejected.
wildgeese Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I definitely understand this, but sometimes you have to compromise. My boyfriend is not a text-er (or email-er or anything pertaining to writing, really). He prefers to talk on the phone. I'm basically the opposite. Our compromise? We'll send each other at least a text a day (usually I'm the first one but I don't really mind - he's typically the one to call), we talk on the phone every other day, and if for some reason we aren't able to get in contact then we'll send an email updating on our day. I think a phone call every other day or every two days is a lot better than every day. It's important to be connected but still maintain a bit of independence. Would you talk on the phone every single day if you lived closer together? Why do you think you need so much contact? Our conversations have much more substance after a couple of days, plus they almost always end up being about two hours as opposed to a maybe half an hour call that every day contact would have.
Viking Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I agree with WildGeese. I am someone who needs/wants regular contact with my GF, but due to her schedule (foreign exchange student, living in Taiwan, 15 hour time difference) and mine (work, school, gym, restoring an antique truck), we don't have a lot of time that really we can spend "talking". I feel as though I am the needier one in our relationship, and because of this, I try to message more, or get a hold of her more, and when I can't or she doesn't respond quickly, I feel like something is wrong and I worry. HOWEVER, the worry is only in my head. I am coming to realize that I don't need to talk to her every day. If I did, it wouldn't mean as much as if it were every couple days, due to the fact that I wouldn't have much to say other than "I went to work, went to the gym, went home and watched Bones...". Not too exciting. SOOOO, I've found that when I do get to talk to her, the more "wholesome" the topics, the better the conversation and I walk away feeling fulfilled. Sure it sucks not getting to see them on skype every day or talking on facebook, but this is a much better way in my opinion because you have worthwhile topics to talk about. That is something that I am struggling with, even though I know it is how it is going to be, due to my gf's independent nature. Even though we might not see each other or talk to each other daily, we both love each other.
TMichaels Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 Maybe I'm just really insecure, but every time I get shot down with "busy--call you tomorrow," I feel sad and rejected. I'd feel the same. It would be nice even if he is busy he could convey that in a way which didn't feel like a virtual slap in the face. Sounds like the two of you need to have a serious talk: A) To let him know how you feel when he talks to you in this way. B) To clarify expectations about how often you'll talk and when. Check your accusations at the door and do in in the spirit of trying to make your LDR work better for both of you. And, if he continues not to live up to his word, then give him a taste of his own medicine -- be less available (and busy). He'll soon be wondering what's up with that and if he doesn't, he's not worth the continued investment of your time, attention or angst. Best, TMichaels
Author clickofthelight Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Thank you so much for everyone that has responded. I called him yesterday and we seem to have cleared everything up. I guess he didn't realize how much it bothered me and made me upset, especially because he's busier and a more independent person overall. So we're going to try not talking every day, but when we do talk, we'll hopefully talk for longer. I think this is smart, because after thinking about it, I don't really NEED to talk to him every day and waiting longer to talk will give us more time to miss each other and have more things to talk about. Thanks!
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