gbadboy Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 What do you do when your ex doesn't have any friends of their own and during your relationship they developed close friendships with your own friends? How do you move on knowing he's around your social group? Do you tell your friend to choose sides? Especially knowing your ex has no where to go? I know most of your answers will be that its too bad, my friends alliegeince is to me but the thing is, I am the one that caused the destruction of our relationship - not my ex. I broke his heart , I caused him a lot of pain - basically I'm the bad guy here - I admit it, Im the one unfortuantely that wasnt faithful after her poured his heart into us. I've tried to get him back, but he said he couldn't deal with the hurt. Actually he did take me back and asked me back out again, but I mistakenly rejected him b/c we were having an argument at the time. A mistake I regret. Now he said he is really done because he had given me a second chance and I still rejected him. So given all of the above, and knowing im the one that caused the end of our relationship, do I have any right to tell my friends to keep away from my ex and stand by me and not support him? I mean its bad enough I walked all over him and was unfaithful in our relationship, but then to cut off all his support systems afterwards? Had he been the one to destroy us or be the unfaithful one, I would never accept any of my friends supporting him in any way shape or form as he would be the bad guy. But in this case, I suppose my friends pitty him more as they know who is honestly "right" and "wrong" (I being the "wrong" one). Mind you, I am trying to work things out with my ex but he is unwilling to and I have been living a nightmare ever since , with such deep regret, pain and misery. I begged, I've cried, I've offerd the world to him, I told him I'd take huge steps to fix everything, but he just doesn't believe I know what I want. I understand most of this is my doing and believe me, living with my mistakes makes this more painful for me. I also understand, I might not be everyone's favourite person here. Take comfort in knowing I am suffering - for 2 months, I hardly eat, can't sleep, I've lost all motivation - its been very tough but its my own doing. So now I'm at a point where I have to accept he can't get over the hurt and I've since gone NC (been 1 week so far) and I've said to myself I cannot cannot break NC. Everytime I see him, it hurts me. The last time we met we had a great conversation - he said he still cares about me and we embraced each other . I would cry often and he'd wipe my tears from my face saying "i dont like seeing people i care about cry...." and he said "he'd always be here for me". I would sit on his lap and he'd hold me but at the same time he was angry. He even likes my brothers and maintains communication with them. He doesnt want what happend to us to affect his relationship with them. But the hurt is too much for him, he said "you truly dont love me and you truly don't know what you want". I however, disagree and want to fix it - but I understand he can't accept this. This post is not to ask you all if I should keep pursuing. I understand its not fair to him to keep pursuing. I've pursued, told him how I felt, what im willing to do to fix it. But now my question is - should I completely go NC on him? I believe I have to - its the only way I'll get over him because it pains me too much. But the additional problem I face is that I also might have to CUT off anyone (even friend) who maintains a close bond with him. Is that right to do? For example, my friends bday is coming up and i dont think ill attend bc my ex will be there. I can no way see my ex, it would ruin my healing process...........even if it means sacraficing a friend who is close to them, I feel this is what I have to do. The only way for me to get over all this pain is to completely cut him and anything and anyone close to him off. That is the only way I will get over him. Final note, he said he is willing to have a friendship with me in time, and that he wants me in his life, but the more I think about it, it would be too painful for me to be his friend. Whats tricky here, is we didnt break up over a lack of love or interest , or due to him finding somoeone else......we broke up because I broke his trust - yet he is willing to be friends somewhere down the road. I just dont know if I can be his friend. Thoughts?
Dark Phoenix Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Just live life around your friend like you normally would have. There's no need to ask them to take sides, most will fall into the side they choose without an ultimatum. And by not asking it saves you from looking like the "bad guy" again.
Mack05 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 First of all you are not fully to blame. He cheated on you and was constantly game playing and manipulative. The relationship was toxic. When you are talking to your friends explain that. These things tend to iron themselves out over time. I would go NC for 2 months on your ex. The 'experts' reckon that is the normal amount of time to detach from a relationship. In the meantime don't make your friends choose sides. Try meeting up with your friends 'one to one'. Explain the situation at hand. Your friends should understand and be sympathetic. Try not to involve your friends and mention little of anything about your ex (and the past relationship) after your initial explanation to them (of why you are going NC). See how things are then in 2 months. Maybe its possible to be friends, maybe not. Time will tell. Just focus on your healing..
KathyM Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 What do you do when your ex doesn't have any friends of their own and during your relationship they developed close friendships with your own friends? How do you move on knowing he's around your social group? Do you tell your friend to choose sides? Especially knowing your ex has no where to go? I know most of your answers will be that its too bad, my friends alliegeince is to me but the thing is, I am the one that caused the destruction of our relationship - not my ex. I broke his heart , I caused him a lot of pain - basically I'm the bad guy here - I admit it, Im the one unfortuantely that wasnt faithful after her poured his heart into us. I've tried to get him back, but he said he couldn't deal with the hurt. Actually he did take me back and asked me back out again, but I mistakenly rejected him b/c we were having an argument at the time. A mistake I regret. Now he said he is really done because he had given me a second chance and I still rejected him. So given all of the above, and knowing im the one that caused the end of our relationship, do I have any right to tell my friends to keep away from my ex and stand by me and not support him? I mean its bad enough I walked all over him and was unfaithful in our relationship, but then to cut off all his support systems afterwards? Had he been the one to destroy us or be the unfaithful one, I would never accept any of my friends supporting him in any way shape or form as he would be the bad guy. But in this case, I suppose my friends pitty him more as they know who is honestly "right" and "wrong" (I being the "wrong" one). Mind you, I am trying to work things out with my ex but he is unwilling to and I have been living a nightmare ever since , with such deep regret, pain and misery. I begged, I've cried, I've offerd the world to him, I told him I'd take huge steps to fix everything, but he just doesn't believe I know what I want. I understand most of this is my doing and believe me, living with my mistakes makes this more painful for me. I also understand, I might not be everyone's favourite person here. Take comfort in knowing I am suffering - for 2 months, I hardly eat, can't sleep, I've lost all motivation - its been very tough but its my own doing. So now I'm at a point where I have to accept he can't get over the hurt and I've since gone NC (been 1 week so far) and I've said to myself I cannot cannot break NC. Everytime I see him, it hurts me. The last time we met we had a great conversation - he said he still cares about me and we embraced each other . I would cry often and he'd wipe my tears from my face saying "i dont like seeing people i care about cry...." and he said "he'd always be here for me". I would sit on his lap and he'd hold me but at the same time he was angry. He even likes my brothers and maintains communication with them. He doesnt want what happend to us to affect his relationship with them. But the hurt is too much for him, he said "you truly dont love me and you truly don't know what you want". I however, disagree and want to fix it - but I understand he can't accept this. This post is not to ask you all if I should keep pursuing. I understand its not fair to him to keep pursuing. I've pursued, told him how I felt, what im willing to do to fix it. But now my question is - should I completely go NC on him? I believe I have to - its the only way I'll get over him because it pains me too much. But the additional problem I face is that I also might have to CUT off anyone (even friend) who maintains a close bond with him. Is that right to do? For example, my friends bday is coming up and i dont think ill attend bc my ex will be there. I can no way see my ex, it would ruin my healing process...........even if it means sacraficing a friend who is close to them, I feel this is what I have to do. The only way for me to get over all this pain is to completely cut him and anything and anyone close to him off. That is the only way I will get over him. Final note, he said he is willing to have a friendship with me in time, and that he wants me in his life, but the more I think about it, it would be too painful for me to be his friend. Whats tricky here, is we didnt break up over a lack of love or interest , or due to him finding somoeone else......we broke up because I broke his trust - yet he is willing to be friends somewhere down the road. I just dont know if I can be his friend. Thoughts? Well, you can't make your friends choose between you, since they are now his friends also, and they have a right to be friends with whomever they choose. Not your place to insist that they choose between you and him. If seeing him at parties or gatherings of mutual friends is too painful for you, and you can't handle seeing him there, you'll have to explain that to your friend as to why you won't be at their bd party. I wouldn't hold out hope of getting back together. It may never happen. It likely will never happen. You've broken his trust. Very hard to get that back again, once it is broken.
Author gbadboy Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 @ Dark Phoniex, I admit, during the phases of our break up- out of anger I'd tell them to choose sides ..but i quickly re-tract the statement the next day. I suppose the main reason why is deep down inside, I know I ultimately did the wrong. @ Mack05 2 months sounds really good. Actually I deactivated my facebook account (HUGE step for me as ive been an avid facebooker since 2006) so as to not accidentaly see someone post a picture of him and them online and have it show up on my news feed. I certainely won't ask them to choose sides, but do you think it's worth I instead tell them something to the effect of: "Look, I know you feel sorry for him b/c im the one that did him wrong and you want to be there for him because he has no one else , and I won't ask you to choose sides, BUT in order for me to move on and heal, I need to avoid him and anyone/thing that reminds me of him until im fully healed, so please dont take this personal" And yes, I will meet my friends on a one and one basis. I'll never put myself in a position to bump into him ( i use to show up places knowing he'd be there. Id even encourage my friends to invite him out so that I could "accidentaly" see him) - those days are done, because the pain is just too unbareable for me. Also, yes I never bad talk my ex to my friends. I dont sugar coat the story and try to make me look "good" and make him look "bad". On the contrary I man up to everything. I've also told my brothers to maintain communication with him. I think my ex feels that I have no right whatsover to ask my friends/brothers to take my side after knowing what I did him and after knowing I'm the one that ruined our relationship. But yes, 2 months sounds good. I will avoid him and all associated with him and won't attend any events he'll be there. My friends will and should understand , I have to do it bc that's the only way to heal. The thing is, I dont think my ex honeslty believes I have the strength to cut him off completely. B/c in the back of his mind, he believes ill always be there to accept him.
Author gbadboy Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Hey Kathy, Ouch that stung me really bad. You are right, who am I to dictate who should be friends with who. Believe me, I haven't ever given my friends that ultimatium (well twice in the heat of anger, I did ask them choose one night, but said that out of anger and didnt mean it, and of course i re-tracted that statement the following day) But no, I'll never ask them to choose. I think if he had been unfaithful to me and did me wrong and my friends still chose to be buddy buddy with him, that would make me furious. BUt that isn't the case. If anything, im the one that has to make it up to him. And yes you are right - I cannot attend any parties where he'll be and I'll explain to them that's for my healing only. As for us ever getting back, I know i know I know there is unlikely any chance at all. But, I do know after all of this , he still cares about me and the last time we met , I was sitting on top of him and we were goofing off, while arguing. For example, while we would argue, he'd be fixing my clothes, dusting my shirt off, etc. etc. So I know when im around him, feelings do re-surface but its quickly coverd up by his anger over me. WHich is why being friends is not an option for him right now (but down the road yes). Whereas with me, i dont think friends could ever be an option - ever.
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