bluenightowl Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I was serial dating for the last few years. I would get into a relationship and then it ended after a few months or a fling hoping for a relationship. I assumed at the time, this is how it worked. Things didn't work out, and you try again, but in the process a lot of baggage built up and a lot of unanswered questions and non-closure. I've now started a good relationship with someone and some of that baggage from over the years popped up into my head and it distracted me and affected my focus. Has anything like this happened to you? I'm amazed these things linger in our heads for so long distracting our attention and readiness to date.
Pasttense Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I don't understand your post: specifically what kind of baggage?
Author bluenightowl Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 I don't understand your post: specifically what kind of baggage? In general, why things didn't work out and what could have been done to make things work better.
make me believe Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 In general, why things didn't work out and what could have been done to make things work better. And you're wondering this to the point of distraction about flings you had & guys you casually dated, even though you're now in a good relationship? Hmm. That seems strange to me. I guess I was a "serial dater" for a couple of years in between my last ex and my now husband, but I certainly don't wonder about the random flings/short term relationships anymore. They didn't work because we weren't compatible, or I ended up not being into the guy, or whatever. So I moved on. What is there to wonder about? Not every relationship/fling has to be this grandoise thing... lots of people just aren't compatible with each other. Is there something missing in your current relationship that is making you rehash all of these other relationships?? It just seems like a very unhealthy thing to be doing if you're happy with your current SO.
Pasttense Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 OP: are you worried that this relationship is going to fall apart because none of the other ones lasted? So you are unwilling to truly commit...?
Author bluenightowl Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 OP: are you worried that this relationship is going to fall apart because none of the other ones lasted? So you are unwilling to truly commit...? No, not worried about the relationship falling apart. I'm really interested to hear if other people had similar experiences. We all know when you go out dating soon after a relationship ends some people are not ready because they haven't dealt with the breakup properly. The question is really about other people who are in great wonderful relationships, but who have experienced some sort of flashbacks and things that were left unresolved or things they haven't quite figured out the what or why things happened a certain way. Its more of a distraction than anything else, but from my experience, I had to deal with it. Now that I have, its easier to think about the future. My sense is people like to bury their past, but it often comes back at you unless some time is taken to process things. I'm just curious if others had something like that happen to them as well.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I happen to believe that serial dating (ie short term relationships that involve sex) are emotionally damaging and have limited or no value in the big scheme of things. Yes, I understand that noone goes into these relationships knowing in advance they will be short-term. Still, there are 'patterns'... and the way things start often predict how they will end. Doesn't it? When I was much younger, I did some of this... mostly as a way to kill time and have companionship while I pursued my other goals... and as a replacement for solid friendships. It was both selfish and naive on my part. Ah youth Now, I spend my time trying to avoid men who make a habit out of this. From your past posts, it sounds like you have made alot of progress in eliminating the reasons why these short term arrangements had such a strong impact on you... and are making better choices now Your new relationship is evidence of that. There is probably more you can't tell us here, which is fine. Things like lifestyle, career choices... etc... that may have had an impact. I'm confident you at least have the right tools to work these things out with this new person...
Author bluenightowl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 I happen to believe that serial dating (ie short term relationships that involve sex) are emotionally damaging and have limited or no value in the big scheme of things. Yes, I understand that noone goes into these relationships knowing in advance they will be short-term. Still, there are 'patterns'... and the way things start often predict how they will end. Doesn't it? When I was much younger, I did some of this... mostly as a way to kill time and have companionship while I pursued my other goals... and as a replacement for solid friendships. It was both selfish and naive on my part. Ah youth Now, I spend my time trying to avoid men who make a habit out of this. I think a short term relationship can be damaging, but not always and not for all people. It really depends where your head is at. If your self-esteem has taken a hit, then be careful for you or the other person. You may not hurt yourself, but your might hurt them. But serial dating of several short-term relationships over a period of time, I do think can be damaging. Sometimes relationships are short because they just are. That's the way they evolved. But serial dating over a period of time can mean you are getting attached and then not quickly. Over time, I do think it can affect people. It has me. It also means your life is full of drama which isn't something I recommend. But has anyone else had this happen to them. ie. where your past bubbles up to the surface of past relationships. You hear this a lot of abused children having to deal with these things later in life, so I suspect serial dating could have similar impacts on some people.
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