8 months pregnant and husband wants a divorce. how to handle him being so mean?

[momto3boys]

Im going to try not to let this get too long. It is sort of confusing and i guess a bit different than some people's stories because it involves the military.

 

 

My husband and i have had problem after problem since day one of our marriage. I have a child with someone else and i was going through custody and all that legal stuff soon after we got married. Then we moved out in to an apartment with roommates who screwed us over and got us in to really bad debt (one being my uncle). Then my husband went away for 5 months for basic training (he joined the military to get us out of debt and because i became pregnant with our first child together.). He came home from basic training and everything was great. I was close to his mom while he was gone to basic training. Well our son was born and his mom sorta flipped and became controlling and started stirring up fights between us. So the first year of our sons life was HORRIBLE. We moved from Maryland to NC (his duty station) and his mom was bashing me to him and did a bunch of stuff (tried to invite a girl to my sons bday party, tried to hook my husband up with other women, harassed my mom at her job, said horrible things to me, even in front of our son and my husband). Found out in july he was going to deploy that Dec. Things got bad when he found out he was going to deploy. He became distant and was drinking constantly. He kicked the kids and i out of the house and i moved back home with my mom. During this time he was mean to me, calling me mean names and didnt really talk to me. A month went by and he apologized and wanted to work things out. He came home for 2 weeks in Nov and i thought things were fine but he came home and he was a jerk. He didnt spend any time with the kids or i. He spent the whole time over his moms house. Lied about going out to bars while he was home visiting before his deployment, etc. He left after 2 weeks and then deployed a week later. The first week of his deployment was hard. He was mean to me again and said he thought he could do better than me. After the first week of his deployment things got better between us. During his deployment we grew extremely close. I was really there for him during this deployment. I sent letters/cards and care packages all the time. I emailed him sexy pics almost everyday and emailed him everyday and we chatted on AIM almost everyday. None of his family was even there for him when he deployed (his mom met a man soon after the deployment and didnt try to contact my husband all but 2 times the whole year he was gone). Anyways, he got home from Afghanistan and things were so good! We decided to try to conceive our 2nd (my 3rd) child and got pregnant the 2nd month he was home. Things were fine until about 3 or 4 months in to my pregnancy. Then i noticed he was always anxious and getting angry with the kids (yelling, my oldest son is ADHD so he is hard to control and my youngest cries a lot). He did go to counseling once for his anger. They put him on ambien for sleeping and he started busing them and started drinking more and never went back to counseling. he also got extremely lazy at home which did make me nag him constantly. Im pregnant and caring for the kids, mowing the lawn, taking the trash out, making dinner, cleaning the house, drunk babysitting him and it became over whelming.

 

We slowly started growing apart. Specially the last few weeks he has been gone more, staying out all night (never did this before), drinking has gotten worse. Well i started getting angry with him because of this behavior and last week we got into a huge fight about him being gone constantly and he said he didnt want to be married anymore. He has since alienated himself from me and the kids. I ended up asking him to stay away while i pack and move (next weekend im moving home) so he has been sleeping on his friends couches. The reason i asked him to leave is because of the anger out burts, he was talking to girls on facebook in front of me. I lost 5 lbs because of the stress, so i asked him to stay somewhere else until next weekend. So he has left.

 

Here's the thing, im not sure if it me or if he has issues from being home from Afghanistan or if theres another woman or what. I am very confused. He has been firm in saying he did not think things would work out, he says i nag too much and its never going to change and he needs to just be a lone. Another issue in our marriage has been that he has not been interested in the pregnancy at all. He hasnt called the baby by his name, doesnt talk about him, acts annoyed when i ask him to feel him move, he gets annoyed buying the baby stuff as well.

 

Confusing thing is, when he's not here im texting him a lot (i know i shouldnt but im in NC and i have no one here, he is the only person i have down here) and i feel really a lone down here. When he's gone he barely texts me, all he will say is "ok" , "yeah", "i dont care". But if he's here at our house and i leave he texts me or calls me to try to talk about splitting property (he could talk to me about this anytime but only does when im out). Then if he has to watch the kids while i do stuff he rushes me home. I will only be gone 2 hours and he is blowing up my phone "where are you? When are you going to get home? I have to leave". He has barely seen our son. I dont understand why he doesnt enjoy the time he's here with our son. Instead he sits on facebook here. It is very annoying. Last night i went out and i left at 3:45 and by 5:30 he was texting me "when are you coming back? I need to shower and get back to my friends house". Well i came home and he took his time leaving. i had to sorta push him out of the door. i almost feel like he is trying to control me with the kids. i may be wrong but thats just the way i feel.

 

he also makes comments like "if you think going out and having sex with guys is going to get you anywhere with me, you're wrong". But yet told me he didnt wanna be with me. One minute he will agree to work things out once i move back home, but then he will say he just said that to get me off his back. And he is so hot and cold. Sometimes hes really mean to me, telling me he doesnt love me anymore, doesnt wanna be there for the birth, etc. Then he will try to feel my belly and say he wants to see it and has been calling the baby by his name, etc.

 

We also have had sex 2 times since he said he didnt wanna work things out, after the 2nd time he said he didnt think we should have sex anymore.

 

He also took my wedding rings and tried to pawn them but ended up saying they only wanted to give him 100 dollars because they only buy the gold not the diamonds. So they ended up not getting pawned.

 

 

Im very very confused. He has been pretty firm in saying he doesnt wanna be with me. I want to work things out, i feel like he has depression issues since getting back and doesnt know how to handle them and is taking it out on me.

 

How do i handle this? Moving home is the best way i can think to give him his space. Im hoping me moving home makes him miss me and want to work things out, but i am not sure if this will even work.

 

 

Any advice? Its very confusing and i feel all over the place because of this. Should i cut off contact and contact him when i move back home letting him know i left and he can go back to our house? Should i try to ask again for another chance? (although hearing he doesnt love me and wanna be with me hurts). I am so lost, someone please help!

[Mauschen]

I suggest going NC with him, moving where YOU want to live, and then filing for child support. If he wants to work things out with you, he has a lot of work to do. Until then (if he ever comes back), you should work on being a good mother and doing good things for yourself.

[Josephina]

I think you need to put you and your kids first. It is hard when you love someone, but it doesn't sound like his behaviour has been very loving to you. If things were never going to work with him, then would moving home be the nest option for you? If so, then that is what you should do. And if there is room to work things out with him, it can happen when you are in your best mind frame, with a proper support system around you.

[jilbie]

I suggest you move back home or wherever it is you will have the most support...friends, family, etc. Work on finding support for yourself so you won't feel so alone...right now, you feel like you need him because you don't have other people close by to turn to. If he is depressed from being in Afghanistan, he needs to find a way to deal with that rather than take it out on you and the kids...You and your kids deserve to be happy and have a stable life, with or without him...I think once you feel surrounded by people that support you, you will be in a better mind-set to make decisions about your marriage and whether or not to give him another chance. Good luck!

[bunny05]

I agree with jilbie. Move to wherever you have the most support and love. My family, even though I did not move to them, made a world of difference to me while going through problems with my stbxh. Remember that there are always people who love and will take care of you and your children. If that person is not your husband, stay away from him until he comes to his senses.

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