Author mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Revenge is nice and all but does not help at all with moving on, actually it prevents you from doing so. I watch friends come up with these revenge tactics to get their ex's back for the pain they cost them, they spend days, weeks, etc coming up with plans, thinking of ways to hurt them back, get even or whatever you want to call it. Even I did it but my revenge period was short lived probably a week right after she told me she had feelings for another guy. Say after you spend all this time doing this you go forward with the plan, what then? You are still at the same part of the healing process if you haven't backslid. YOU ARE STILL HURT. The problem is you are focusing on your ex and not yourself. You are putting all this emotional energy into your ex and nothing into you. For what reason? For those that say they feel better afterwards, its actually extremely masochistic. It's a temporary patch for the hurt that is still there. The best "revenge" you can have towards an ex is to move on without them in your life. It accomplishes one big thing. It is about you. You will have moved on. Your ex has no control over you. They have lost that string that they have to drop breadcrumbs on you, use you as FWB or even a door mat. As always great reply Wilson. I'm really not putting alot if any time plotting revenge. It's just a thought that crossed my mind from a previous breakup I had many years ago. I remember the justification I had when she came back. I seem to be almost obsessed though just wondering if she really loved me. You know my story. Went back to the ex. The betrayel I have felt is overwhelming. Last night I re-read about 20 of her text messages (shame on me) that said I Love you,, Love you lots,, I miss you, I'm so happy etc. etc. again just trying to satisfy my burning curiosity if she really love me or not. It's wasted energy and time I know. I so want to believe she did, guess I'd feel like that loving her was not in vain. Crazy I know. I joined a gym last week and am feeling better every day, haven't cried over her for 6 days now.
Besmy Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Mike, I suggest you delete all her sms. I did the same for the sloth. Otherwise I would have been tempted to go back and read them again and again to try to UNDERSTAND. To no avail. Sometimes there is no explanation, no "clear black or white". One day they tell you they love you, the next day they're gone. But then, do you really think that people are all perfectly mentally healthy?
Author mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Mike, I suggest you delete all her sms. I did the same for the sloth. Otherwise I would have been tempted to go back and read them again and again to try to UNDERSTAND. To no avail. Sometimes there is no explanation, no "clear black or white". One day they tell you they love you, the next day they're gone. But then, do you really think that people are all perfectly mentally healthy? Thanks. I really, really know what I should be doing. I have boxed up all the other little things (pictures, letters, momentos) and put them away. For some reason those texts mean alot to me, again maybe just to soothe my broken heart or make me believe she did love me. I've kept a diary during this awful time and am able to see my progress from 7 weeks ago. Slow but still progress.
novus69 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I’ve come to the realization that I can only believe in my love that I had for him, not in his love for me, if that’s what it was. I know in my heart that I was there, in the relationship and that I gave my love. (Unfortunately I forgot to love myself in the process…..) There had to be something that drew them to us, that they liked about us, that we made them feel good or special…if nothing else…..and if they were exposed to true love, that they will miss it or at least remember it…. I did the same thing, re-reading texts, e-mails, etc., to sooth myself. But then the question of “did he really love me” always crept back and I thought, if I have to keep re-reading these, there must be a reason….but I didn’t want to reach that conclusion…… I am reaching the point now of letting go of my control of this (4+ months since breakup)….as I said before, I really think at this point it is more about my ego than anything else…..that my ego needs to be satisfied, that I was worthy in this relationship. Ok, so lets say I was used as a rebound, which is very possible….so what? It doesn’t change the way I felt about him….the way he made me feel…I felt loved (..not at the end..) , there had to be something to it, and I’ll walk away with that. I will never be able to get into his brain…and I probably wouldn’t want to! I can only put true value on what I felt and did and be satisfied with that. I don’t ever want to loose the capability to love someone again because of this. It is very hard for us to comprehend that someone that we felt so close to could, in the end, be so different form us in their words and actions. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make sense of it.
jenjen83 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I I will never be able to get into his brain…and I probably wouldn’t want to! I can only put true value on what I felt and did and be satisfied with that. I don’t ever want to loose the capability to love someone again because of this. Excellent point...wish I had read this yesterday!
Author mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 I’ve come to the realization that I can only believe in my love that I had for him, not in his love for me, if that’s what it was. I know in my heart that I was there, in the relationship and that I gave my love. (Unfortunately I forgot to love myself in the process…..) There had to be something that drew them to us, that they liked about us, that we made them feel good or special…if nothing else…..and if they were exposed to true love, that they will miss it or at least remember it…. I did the same thing, re-reading texts, e-mails, etc., to sooth myself. But then the question of “did he really love me” always crept back and I thought, if I have to keep re-reading these, there must be a reason….but I didn’t want to reach that conclusion…… I am reaching the point now of letting go of my control of this (4+ months since breakup)….as I said before, I really think at this point it is more about my ego than anything else…..that my ego needs to be satisfied, that I was worthy in this relationship. Ok, so lets say I was used as a rebound, which is very possible….so what? It doesn’t change the way I felt about him….the way he made me feel…I felt loved (..not at the end..) , there had to be something to it, and I’ll walk away with that. I will never be able to get into his brain…and I probably wouldn’t want to! I can only put true value on what I felt and did and be satisfied with that. I don’t ever want to loose the capability to love someone again because of this. It is very hard for us to comprehend that someone that we felt so close to could, in the end, be so different form us in their words and actions. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make sense of it. Wow that was good. Thanks.The only thing I'm assuming that drew her close to me was she was hurting from the previous breakup and I was there to comfort her,again her emotional bandaid during her time of sorrow. That's one of the things that bothers me,, was I NOTHING to her? Did she care at all even though she told me 100 + times she did as well as telling me she loved me. She was definately exposed to true love and knew it and I hope she misses it and will NEVER FORGET IT!!
novus69 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 What is important here is that we don’t let this weaken us. I have felt like a pile of %$^ for too long. I’ve had plenty of pity parties, anger, regrets, questions…..VERY time- and energy consuming. But nevertheless, necessary! Last night I got out my “box” (I’ve tossed all the mementos already), and re-read my (ton of) notes from journaling. As I read them I felt my energy draining and how repetitive (!) it all has been. In all my writing I was basically saying the same thing over and over these past 4 months = That the relationship turned hopeless and would have never worked out. There was no happy ending. There really is nothing else left for me to ask, nothing else that needs to be answered…..I started tearing it all up and it went into the trash this morning. I feel better! I have not been able to delete the e-mails yet, there are many….and there are some very loving and serious ones that he wrote from the earlier part…and yes, I kept them around to read them when my ego needed a boost….There are also the vile ones towards the end, a reminder what I’m missing out on…the chaos, the lies, the secrecy, the crazy making,…..I know I’m not far from deleting them, when they will seem no longer relevant and are merely intrusive to my new life…. The NC has helped me to move on. I have to assume he has moved on with his life, I purposely assume that he already is with someone else. It has no bearing on my life now. If he was able to move on this quickly, that is him. If I need longer, so be it. I’m not in a race to be with anyone. In time, who knows…I just know I can’t shut down because of this, that I need to keep living and know I am worthy of the love of someone else out there.
Author mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Wow that helps, thanks so much. I'm 2 months into healing and have been making slow but steady progress,,, well until this morning, I crashed and burned. I embarrassingly broke down and cried like a baby. I though I was past that stage.I got so angry and was yelling things like: YOU BITCH, how could you use me and play with my heart like you did, I gave you all of my love and heart unconditionally and this is what I get! You told me that you loved me too without a doubt and that you were so very, very HAPPY. NOW I HATE YOU!!!! (I don't really) I must be losing my mind. I don't want to ever give my heart to another woman and have to go thru this ever again!!!
M2155 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 There's nothing wrong with thinking whatever you're thinking and as much as we feel like we're doing better and making so much progress, sometimes there is a thought or trigger that makes us breakdown crying. We are used to having someone to put all of our emotional energy into, be it good or bad. I realize this with friends who complain about thier relationship, but they are almost "happier" to have something to complain about because that person is still significant than to have nothing. We are alone with our thoughts now and it's all about us. It's no more "he/she did/said" and how we feel about it, it's just your thoughts alone and it's the challenge of finding something you care about to transfer that energy. It's okay to feel betrayed. I felt like a fool. I wonder did he really care/love me or just passing time with me? I asked, speculated, wondered, theorized to death (and I still do sometimes) but it no longer matters. At the end of the day there is nothing I can do and none of my energy wasted is affecting him in the least. Like I said, I did find it very gratifying when the ex comes back around, not so much out of revenge but more of the ego boost and confirmation that he did realize what he had in me. But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for that because focusing on that is taking focus away from making me better, and I know when that time comes I'll be long over it anyway. I have a friend who was in a very similar situation and the ex married his former ex but it fell apart within a year. When he came back she said forget it even though she still loved him. The love doesn't disappear unfortunatley but you know it's no longer the best thing for you.
novus69 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I still do it too ….it’s going to happen and that’s ok. I’m not going to hold it in. I’m not embarrassed, though I do get angry at myself for letting it overpower me at times….but then we wouldn’t be human if we felt nothing. I try to intentionally recognize my pain in the moment that I experience it and tell myself that it is ok to feel it, that I have a right to feel it, and that it is only part of the process and will pass. I was just thinking in your case…..if this is the 3rd time she returned to this guy….what made her leave each time to begin with? There had to be some serious issues. After I moved out we gave the relationship a couple more tries (mistake!), each time obviously with bad results. Each time I went back with him (this was within about a 3 month period) and giving in to his promises, my old suspicions and questions came back quickly because I could still feel that he was up to no good and I realized I could never feel safe with him, that I would always have to wonder if there was someone else in the picture or another surprise he would reveal to me about his past. So I don’t know if she left because of him doing things to her or her doing things to him, but EITHER way, one of them will have suspicions and questions coming back to haunt them, unless they both changed. And that, in my opinion, is highly unlikely and bound to fail. Just my thoughts…
Author mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 I still do it too ….it’s going to happen and that’s ok. I’m not going to hold it in. I’m not embarrassed, though I do get angry at myself for letting it overpower me at times….but then we wouldn’t be human if we felt nothing. I try to intentionally recognize my pain in the moment that I experience it and tell myself that it is ok to feel it, that I have a right to feel it, and that it is only part of the process and will pass. I was just thinking in your case…..if this is the 3rd time she returned to this guy….what made her leave each time to begin with? There had to be some serious issues. After I moved out we gave the relationship a couple more tries (mistake!), each time obviously with bad results. Each time I went back with him (this was within about a 3 month period) and giving in to his promises, my old suspicions and questions came back quickly because I could still feel that he was up to no good and I realized I could never feel safe with him, that I would always have to wonder if there was someone else in the picture or another surprise he would reveal to me about his past. So I don’t know if she left because of him doing things to her or her doing things to him, but EITHER way, one of them will have suspicions and questions coming back to haunt them, unless they both changed. And that, in my opinion, is highly unlikely and bound to fail. Just my thoughts… She mentioned to me several times when we were together that there was just "something about him" and told me that too when she dumped me. In her last email to me saying she was so very sorry for hurting me she also said" So I made a choice to try again with the relationship that I failed at before. It may not be the smartest thing I have ever done but I could not resist, I have asked myself if I would continue this even if I knew it would fail again,,, the answer was always,,,, yes She also told me when we were together that he became distant, did not meet her emotional needs, including sex. She told me she loved me so much cause I did met those needs. What do you think of this? Thanks
novus69 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Well, it seems to be enough to confuse the hell out of anyone…...2 things stand out to me, she said: she “failed at it before” and “he withdrew and didn’t meet her emotional and sexual needs”. Whatever it is she “failed at”, did it cause him to withdraw over time or did he have his own reasons? Was she the one that left him each time? If so, she may really be hung up on her ego big time, that it was all about her needs and that’s why he withdrew. She may have been plagued by re-playing the relationship in her head, as we all love to do, and decided that she just had to give it another try, that what if she wouldn’t…..she would always have to wonder….but this is her 3rd try….I truly doubt they will “get it right” this time. So hard to say, relationships are just too complex. There are some lucky people that can rise above and learn from their mistakes and reconcile, even become closer, but this requires mutual respect and understanding for each other. If one of the 2 parties (or both) involved continues to just make it about themselves = no chance. To Mr. Right : << Confusion and using people to satisfy their own needs is not exclusive to women >>
Author mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 (edited) Well, it seems to be enough to confuse the hell out of anyone…...2 things stand out to me, she said: she “failed at it before” and “he withdrew and didn’t meet her emotional and sexual needs”. Whatever it is she “failed at”, did it cause him to withdraw over time or did he have his own reasons? Was she the one that left him each time? If so, she may really be hung up on her ego big time, that it was all about her needs and that’s why he withdrew. She may have been plagued by re-playing the relationship in her head, as we all love to do, and decided that she just had to give it another try, that what if she wouldn’t…..she would always have to wonder….but this is her 3rd try….I truly doubt they will “get it right” this time. So hard to say, relationships are just too complex. There are some lucky people that can rise above and learn from their mistakes and reconcile, even become closer, but this requires mutual respect and understanding for each other. If one of the 2 parties (or both) involved continues to just make it about themselves = no chance. To Mr. Right : << Confusion and using people to satisfy their own needs is not exclusive to women >> Yes she's the one who left him twice before. regardless of what friends/ family say they all told her she's screwing up, she's making a big mistake, it will only last a short while because there is a pattern there and she will leave again and and seek me,, they also recommended that I don't take her back. I wonder if she will have so much guilt within her for hurting me so that she would'nt contact me again if their "love" goes sour again? That's something only she will have to find out. Edited September 17, 2011 by mike588
novus69 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I agree. That will be her problem. Even if you took her back, you would never feel safe. You would always wonder if you are the one she wants. At least that is how I felt, as if I needed to proof MY love to HIM in order not to loose him to someone else....it was just crazy, humiliating, and irrational. No one should make you feel like that in a relationship. I know with my ex, I don't think I could have made it any clearer to him at the (final) end that I would never want him back and therefore would be pointless, even if he wanted to, to ever contact me again. I did not want there to be any ambiguity left that there would ever be any possibility. He thinks that I have moved on just fine and could care less if he lives or dies.
Author mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 Your right. I could never trust her and would always wonder and worry hummm is today the days she gonna dump me again for him. If that were ever the case though,, I don't think it would hurt very much. I'd be like, Oh well knew it could happen again,, see ya.
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