nini Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I finally moved out on the 20th August and went NC shortly after...its been/is hell but am doing all the right things...focus on work, studies, smile, think, work-out, listen to music etc. The one thing I'm doing very very wrong is I still have my ex-fiance's email passwords and check his emails obsessively at least 2-3 times a day! I know I have to stop this to be able to heal properly..and I will...just need a bit more time I checked his email this morning and he created a profile on adultfinder.com, how should I read into this? He has never ever been the sort of guy who actively seeks out girls, he's a lads lad, and when we broke up he said he needed a LONG LONG time so he could feel better about himself and never wants to be with anyone in the near future... I dont know whether I should reach out, is he lonely? I've changed numbers so he cant call me and he thinks I'm in Singapore for work for the next month. Am so confused! I miss him and love him, I only went NC coz he wanted to break up, I still love him to bits
sleepykitten Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Do not "reach out", so what if he is lonely! If he wanted to be with you he would do all he could-e mail, letter, word through a mutual friend. My ex also said he needed to "sort his head out" and couldnt imagine being with anyone else-turns out 3 days after we broke up he met someone else 2 weeks later they are in a relationship. Some people cant be on their own for whatever reason. Or maybe he is just bing curious seeing if the grass is greener, who knows. Whatever you do-stop looking at his mails it will make you feel worse, and you will remain stuck and wont heal or move on. Its hard i know. Stay nc.
silly_panda Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 You have to stop looking into his email already... It's wrong and you are invading his personal space... And most of the time you will just find things that you wish you never knew... Thus, hurting you even more... Don't worry about he not being able to contact you... If he really wanna, he will find ways to do so... Though you still love him very much, he doesn't feel the same way... So no point loving someone who doesn't love you back... Move on with your life and be happy by yourself again...
Author nini Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 I know...when we broke up and I went NC and before I changed my sim...I even told him something along the lines of 'please if this is a big mistake and you realise that this is a mistake, get in touch with me, email me coz I will still love you' and he goes 'you are pressuring me, once we're broken up we should just go our separate ways' I know I have to heal...but I dont know why...in my heart...this is still a nightmare...and there's still hope in me that we'll wake up and it'll all be fine... Really really missing him a lot today!
Mack05 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) I know...when we broke up and I went NC and before I changed my sim...I even told him something along the lines of 'please if this is a big mistake and you realise that this is a mistake, get in touch with me, email me coz I will still love you' and he goes 'you are pressuring me, once we're broken up we should just go our separate ways' I know I have to heal...but I dont know why...in my heart...this is still a nightmare...and there's still hope in me that we'll wake up and it'll all be fine... Really really missing him a lot today! Nin you are getting better, you may not think you are, but you are. You need to stop reading his emails as of now. Only hurt can come from this and it will effect your healing going forward. You are not going to like this, but I need to be honest here. I know a guy (Not me!) that uses adultfinder. It's a sleazywebsite for sleazy people looking for no strings casual sex. The fact he wants to join such a site and not reach out to you, that tells you all you need to know right there. I have said it once to you, I will say it again. I have no idea why you miss this guy so much. He is not a good guy, he treated you horribly and now he is showing you just how sleazy he is. It's time Nin to take off the rose tinted glasses and see this guy for who he really is. I know u want to go back to the days when he treated you like a queen. The thing is, those days are gone (and will never come back) and that guy u thought u knew is gone too. You think he is a prize lost, I know you have had a very lucky escape. Nini you way out of this guys league. Just keep doing what u doing (except reading emails). As Beyonce says, this guy is the best thing you never had (my breakup song) -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4S5w5DCAoI Time to leave this guy behind Nin, he ain't worth it. You dodged a bullet. You are better then this guy, he can never give you the emotional fullfillment you deserve. Keep building your self belief. You'll get there. That's a promise.. Edited September 16, 2011 by Mack05
TheDovic Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I did this too. When my ex moved out I knew her FB password and checked her private messages obsessively... after a few weeks of this she changed her FB password... THANK GOD!!! Honestly helped me so much cos everytime I logged into her account the dread I felt was almost unbearable! Somehow you've got to stop doing this for your own sake
TheDovic Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 PS, maybe he is lonely, but he seemed really final when he broke up with you so being lonely doesn't necessarily mean he wants you back. As Mack said to me in a post yesterday, if your ex wants you back they will move heaven and earth to make it happen! Best thing you can do is keep working on yourself (I know this isn't easy, trust me, I'm going through hell at the minute too)
Author nini Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Thanks guys, I dont know what I'd do without you all! Yr words keep me going, I know you're right...I need to move on, make myself happy and stop kicking myself and taking all the blame for everything and making him sound like the victim I wronged! My new flatmates have also been very supportive and their words were "You've done your best, and you've done enough to reconcile, there is nothing more you should do" and they keep reminding me that I have now learnt a lot about myself, about love, about my anger, about communication and all these lessons are going to be soo valuable to me going forward. By the way, someone on this forum adviced on another thread to read Thich Nhat Hanh and I have been reading his books and downloaded his video podcasts onto my Ipod. I think it has helped me a lot to be positive, strong and learn from my mistakes. I will try my best to not be tempted to check his emails anymore, its going to be hard...hmmm I might have to give myself small targets/rewards to start of with. I guess its my only connection to him now and its hard to break it. But I'll be strong and get there. Thanks guys, and I wish you a great, happy day today! :)
Mack05 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Nin think of it this way. At some stage he is going to make a connection on adultfinder. You are going to see him exchange sleazy mails with a stranger. Do you really need to see that!? Please Please leave it go. Stop reading his emails..If you don't, your recovery will be set back weeks if not months. I mean if you saw yourself heading towards a cliff, would you stop before going over the edge. Believe me this is no different. Holding on to a silly 'connection' (a connection that no longer exists) is not a good enough reason to go through his emails! There is NO EXCUSE Nini to invade his privacy. Please Please let this go before you really get hurt..
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