MM blame and victimization

[Jessica232]

I have another thread about having yet another D day, that explains what happened in my situation.

 

So MM has been told he has to move out. And apparently he has not been able to see his kids since everything went down. MM places ALL blame on me. I got his kids taken away, I'm ruining his life because of it, It's all MY fault. He plays the role of such a victim it's ridiculous. Is this a normal or common reaction?

[woinlove]

I have another thread about having yet another D day, that explains what happened in my situation.

 

So MM has been told he has to move out. And apparently he has not been able to see his kids since everything went down. MM places ALL blame on me. I got his kids taken away, I'm ruining his life because of it, It's all MY fault. He plays the role of such a victim it's ridiculous. Is this a normal or common reaction?

 

The MM I was with actually left or threatened to leave, so they didn't act like this. But what you you describe is common to other situations described on LS where the MM wants both his current M and OW. In that case, he'll blame the W if the time he wants to spend with OW is limited and he'll blame the OW if what he wants with his W is threatened. Just a symptom of wanting both and getting angry at whichever one is currently most disturbing his ability to have both. It seems that most of the time the W is on the receiving end of this - but if his M is really threatened, the OW can be on the receiving end.

[wannabdone]

I have another thread about having yet another D day, that explains what happened in my situation.

 

So MM has been told he has to move out. And apparently he has not been able to see his kids since everything went down. MM places ALL blame on me. I got his kids taken away, I'm ruining his life because of it, It's all MY fault. He plays the role of such a victim it's ridiculous. Is this a normal or common reaction?

 

 

It is when they are a narcassistic bastard. They take no accountability for their actions, they will blame anything they can. The W, the OW, the drugs, the alchohol, the dog....who ever, what ever as long as it is not them.

 

So are you telling him to kiss your ass???

[TurningTables]

Hi Jessica. I am sorry you are going through this. Its tough. I think that its normal for a MM to blame the OW for their problems post Dday. Its easier that way. If they blame the OW, then they dont have to take any blame onto themselves, this way they dont have to change. They dont have to be accountable for their own actions.

 

This goes for alot of people, not just MM. You know the oldest saying in the book..Its easier to blame someone else for your problems than to look at yourself in the mirror first. ( or something like that..lol )

 

Anyways, What are you planning to do about all this? You arent going to let him get away with it, are you? Take back your control, go to NC and start putting all this behind you. If he loved or cared about you a wit, he wouldnt have done this. Period.

[Jessica232]

It is when they are a narcassistic bastard. They take no accountability for their actions, they will blame anything they can. The W, the OW, the drugs, the alchohol, the dog....who ever, what ever as long as it is not them.

 

So are you telling him to kiss your ass???

 

I haven't yet, but that's definitely coming! I have felt a little guilty for "pushing him", but the reality is I was just tired of the dishonesty. I can't live my life that way. I've listened to him boohoo enough...I'm about to call him out yet again, and completely shut the door on him. I haven't been speaking to him because I want him back, I just felt bad because "he's going to be homeless" (hellooo, you have a job and money?!), but enough's enough. I'm not his doormat.

[wannabdone]

I haven't yet, but that's definitely coming! I have felt a little guilty for "pushing him", but the reality is I was just tired of the dishonesty. I can't live my life that way. I've listened to him boohoo enough...I'm about to call him out yet again, and completely shut the door on him. I haven't been speaking to him because I want him back, I just felt bad because "he's going to be homeless" (hellooo, you have a job and money?!), but enough's enough. I'm not his doormat.

 

 

oh my god...not the effin homeless card. girl, if I had a penny for everytime I heard that one.

 

You tell him to shove his blame up his ass. What a total idiot.

 

I am still sorry for you. I know your mad, but you are hurt. (((hugs))))

[jwi71]

Man, I love the assumptions on this board. No one seems to really read replies, they just post what "could be". Sweetie, it was about a year before I even knew MM when I noticed his W's overeager interaction on FB. I thought it was very weird an inappropriate at the time. When I asked MM about it, he wasn't happy or gloating or "trying to sweet talk me". He answered me like it hurt him, as it should.

 

 

MM IS a loving husband. He has tried his best. He is very warm, affectionate, and emotional. W is a cold Aquarius. Enough said. As I stated in previous posts, I have seen real time text messages where W calls MM awful names and tells him she wants a divorce. I was told by the best friend well before MM and I got involved that MM's wife hates him and has made him sleep on the sofa for years. I've heard the best friend make fun of MM for having no sex in his life, and not having anyone, even his W, in love with him.

 

It's funny to me that W doesn't mind that her H goes out "tv shopping" or "grocery shopping" every weekend night. Doesn't notice he often leaves in the middle of the night for hours on end. Makes her leave social functions abruptly, only to "go shopping" immediately when they get home (due to my demand), doesn't care that H bails on the yearly New Years Eve party with their friends to suddenly want to go alone to a sporting event overnight, and lastly doesn't mind spending Valentine's Day alone. I'd say W is pretty uninvolved/indifferent to what H is doing. Regardless of me, I'm pretty certain this sham of a marriage is almost over. She asked for a divorce before, and realized with two young kids on a teacher's salary it would be pretty rough. It's only a matter of time.

 

I think I'm pretty much done posting here. I came here searching for others who have had similar things happen. I certainly haven't found that. Almost all of these posts are people just wanting to throw their two cents in on what type of guy MM is. No one knows him, and every situation is different. I KNOW he's a good guy, I know he loves me, and I know he is trying to do what is right for his kids, and so is his W. I have lived my life the past four years in a relationship that is dead, just to give my child an intact family unit. Now that my child is a little older, and questions why we don't have a normal romantic relationship, I see that staying together isn't the best thing. MM's kids are 2 and 4, and he believes an intact family unit is best for his kids at this point, which I totally get. And unlike some parents, the thought of not seeing his kids every single day kills him. We certainly made a mistake by getting involved, but I know how much he has struggled with it. I'm not moving on because he's a jerk, or a liar, or a horrible husband. I'm moving on because it's the best thing for me right now.

 

It's natural to use personal experience when replying to posts, but please everyone, try to be a bit more open minded. Not every MM/MW is a horrible cheating liar. So many here come across so bitter, and it's so unfortunate. I'm glad I out of my situation (only 7 months together) before I got that point.

 

Jess,

 

He has been playing the victim card from day one. Read one of your first posts here - quoted above.

 

In your defense of him in that quote...he is the victim. The victim of everyone but his own actions and decisions.

 

And now, after telling his W months ago and yet more D-days, he is the victim yet again but this time its YOUR fault. I'm NOT sure WHY you are surprised by this...he has been showing you for over a year now WHO and WHAT he is. I think you are getting the smallest taste of what it is like to be his W. You blame her (largely because of what he has told you...and what you read/hear outside) and NEVER TRULY got to know him. An A is NOT a real R in the sense you do NOT spend 24x7 together...all you get is his best behavior. I can only wonder, given the crap he shovels on you, what he did to his W (besides cheat) to drive HER to that point. Or do you believe she was always the hateful shrew as painted? If so, then guess what...guess who isn't OWNING his decision to marry her?

 

I think he takes ZERO responsibility for HIS actions. Its not HIS fault, its yours of course. He just tends to dismiss his ACTIONS (having an A with you) which got him here in the first place.

 

I can only hope that, as you open your eyes to his character, you STOP thinking about him. Seriously...he is where he is in life because he wants to be there. Its his life and its the result of HIS decisions. Blaming you is the simpletons way out - he needs to grow the feck up.

 

Who cares if he blames you? Its not you forced him into having a year-long A. Sigh.

 

Just walk. Or not. He's been kicked out and he just may turn to you - which would be weird given how he turned on you. I wonder what he says to all those friends who also painted his W as a shrew? Do you your MM and all his friends are speaking good or ill of you now?

 

My point is his friends are HIS friends, not yours. And while you may have gloated and scoffed at his W then you have now taken her place as to all that is wrong in his life - all your fault the bat shyte crazy Glenn Close wannabe.

 

Do you really want to deal with that?

 

I hope you don't - life's hard enough as it is w/o some immature MM and his friend's little soap opera.

 

Just get on with your D and leave the MM behind. The future is in front of you...not behind you.

[SoMovinOn]

I would say it is a common, human nature, reaction, in any bad situation, to deflect blame away from oneself. It speaks to the character of the person when they can overcome this instinctive reaction and accept responsibility for their own choices and actions, no matter who else is involved. Doing so would seem to be sufficiently uncommon as to gain notice when it happens.

[pureinheart]

I have another thread about having yet another D day, that explains what happened in my situation.

 

So MM has been told he has to move out. And apparently he has not been able to see his kids since everything went down. MM places ALL blame on me. I got his kids taken away, I'm ruining his life because of it, It's all MY fault. He plays the role of such a victim it's ridiculous. Is this a normal or common reaction?

 

Jessica, I am so sorry for what your going through and I'm going to ask you to put all of this into perspective. Bold- is this really the truth? I seriously doubt it, so if this isn't the truth then take it for what it's worth and have nothing to do with it.

 

Life is way too short to be wasted on people that proclaim it is everybody else but them, you will find that many people do this, that it is not only this type of situation, so let this be a learning experience for detecting this type of person before they get into your life.

 

I hope this helps, and hang in there girl as there is always a ram in the bush:)

[Gentlegirl]

YOu are both responsible for the A.

 

Unfortunately there are some MM who think they are entitled to have a little cupcake when the going gets tought at home.

 

HOWEVER, the OW must not forget that he is married and has obligations....

 

HUH?????

 

He sounds all over the place... leave the mess. It's not yours . Let him and his wife sort it out.

 

Gentlegirl

[nonamefornow]

It is when they are a narcassistic bastard. They take no accountability for their actions, they will blame anything they can. The W, the OW, the drugs, the alchohol, the dog....who ever, what ever as long as it is not them.

 

So are you telling him to kiss your ass???

 

 

Not a funny situaton WBD but actually laughed out loud at that one!!!

:laugh::laugh:

 

I am trying really hard not to phone his W and ask her to check out his phone records to see the level of contact he's had with me!! Yeah you called it right - they are all narcissitic bastards!!

 

Jessica - I hope you find the strength within yourself to leave this really, really selfish man - it does take two to tango but to blame you totally for all of his mess is just downright delusional! Keep posting and let us know how it goes x

[mzdolphin]

I would say this is the reaction of someone who is classless, spineless and mean.

 

I don't give a pass to any married man lying to his wife, the OW, during an affair. But the way he deals with D Day, when things are out in the open, shows who that person really is. If they throw you under the bus, they don't care anything about you.

 

When I told exMM's wife about the affair (at the time he was claiming to wanting out of the marriage, and had been living separately for four years) he did not blame me. He just said, not even in a mean or angry tone. "I wish you didn't feel a need to do that."

 

Within two weeks he was trying to reunite. I don't know what he told her. He could not lie about me being some fly by night one night stand because of the details I provided via email. He claimed that she asked "Do you love her," and that he responded "I don't know."

 

But never blamed me. I still regard him as a liar and a cheat, just not a totally bastard.

[Gentlegirl]

I would say this is the reaction of someone who is classless, spineless and mean.

 

I don't give a pass to any married man lying to his wife, the OW, during an affair. But the way he deals with D Day, when things are out in the open, shows who that person really is. If they throw you under the bus, they don't care anything about you.

 

When I told exMM's wife about the affair (at the time he was claiming to wanting out of the marriage, and had been living separately for four years) he did not blame me. He just said, not even in a mean or angry tone. "I wish you didn't feel a need to do that."

 

Within two weeks he was trying to reunite. I don't know what he told her. He could not lie about me being some fly by night one night stand because of the details I provided via email. He claimed that she asked "Do you love her," and that he responded "I don't know."

 

But never blamed me. I still regard him as a liar and a cheat, just not a totally bastard.

 

I admire you generous spirit.

 

Gentlegirl

[Spark1111]

You know, if everyone could sleep on these two thoughts:

 

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

 

AND

 

How he speaks and treats and blames his spouse or his xgf, is how he will treat and speak of and blame you one day.

[whichwayisup]

I haven't yet, but that's definitely coming! I have felt a little guilty for "pushing him", but the reality is I was just tired of the dishonesty. I can't live my life that way. I've listened to him boohoo enough...I'm about to call him out yet again, and completely shut the door on him. I haven't been speaking to him because I want him back, I just felt bad because "he's going to be homeless" (hellooo, you have a job and money?!), but enough's enough. I'm not his doormat.

 

You want him back?

 

So, don't do anything. Let him sort things out and when the time comes he'll find you. What is the point of "calling him out" and shutting the door on him if you want him to yourself at the end of all this?

 

He isn't ready to own his part in all this, right now you ARE the bad guy in his eyes, all the more reason to distance yourself and stay silent. Each of you had a role in the affair, so the blame is equal.

[Jessica232]

You want him back?

 

So, don't do anything. Let him sort things out and when the time comes he'll find you. What is the point of "calling him out" and shutting the door on him if you want him to yourself at the end of all this?

 

He isn't ready to own his part in all this, right now you ARE the bad guy in his eyes, all the more reason to distance yourself and stay silent. Each of you had a role in the affair, so the blame is equal.

 

That came across wrong. I didn't mean I want him back, I meant I have only been talking to him because I have felt a little guilty and more so, sad for him...he has absolutely no one to turn to. But, if all he's going to do is blame, blame, blame, I'm out the door!

[jthorne]

That came across wrong. I didn't mean I want him back, I meant I have only been talking to him because I have felt a little guilty and more so, sad for him...he has absolutely no one to turn to. But, if all he's going to do is blame, blame, blame, I'm out the door!

He doesn't have anyone to turn to because he set it up that way by having a hidden affair! If he wanted someone to turn to, he should have divorced his wife and dated you openly and properly. Not having anyone to turn to is one of the consequences of his choices.

 

Since he doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for anything in his life, it makes sense that he'd turn to you because he refuses to look at himself. He doesn't want to accept the consequences of his own self-generated crap, and you are, by listening to his whining and blameshifting, allowing him to not face those consequences.

[MissBee]

I have another thread about having yet another D day, that explains what happened in my situation.

 

So MM has been told he has to move out. And apparently he has not been able to see his kids since everything went down. MM places ALL blame on me. I got his kids taken away, I'm ruining his life because of it, It's all MY fault. He plays the role of such a victim it's ridiculous. Is this a normal or common reaction?

 

Wow...

Question: do you still want to be with this man or has all this made you realize that he is an overgrown child who could care less about you?

 

As for if this is a common reaction....I have no clue, but I am sure you're not the first OW who has been with a MM who then tries to blame her upon DDAY.

 

In my A, I "lucked out" (if you want to call it that), in that there was none of me being thrown under a bus, no dday to my knowledge, and overall he never played a victim, never badmouthed his gf, never made his life seem horrible, never blamed me or her for anything and pretty much took responsibility for his actions and whatever fallout they had, as his own burden to bare. Which is why to this day, I can respect him a bit more, than even my single ex, as I can see and believe how he did love me, didn't expect to fall in love with me and "tried" to do the right thing, although he did make many mistakes. Whereas your guy and some others I've heard about seem to be pieces of work who deny all responsibility, are overgrown children and lie, lie and lie some more and create a situation that is really an unbelievable mess and then they are so cowardly and full of shyt that they will gladly blame you, their mom, their big toe before admitting things are their own choice and fault.

[MissBee]

That came across wrong. I didn't mean I want him back, I meant I have only been talking to him because I have felt a little guilty and more so, sad for him...he has absolutely no one to turn to. But, if all he's going to do is blame, blame, blame, I'm out the door!

 

Jessica honestly, let this overgrown child handle his own issues! He will be just fine

 

 

Don't you feel like YOU have put up with enough?????????

 

I mean really, he can get a counselor or go to a bar and speak to a barkeep about his problems if he has NO ONE else. He doesn't need you, his OW, whom he is also blaming, to also provide solace and counsel to him. Really....

 

I think you should tell him goodbye and walk out the door...otherwise, as much you say you're feeling badly for him but you don't want him, your actions are saying that you keep finding reasons to stick around in this odd and uncomfortable situation with him for reasons that are not that altruistic.

 

Trust me, he will be quite alright. You can't help him anyway...you've yet to help him thus far it seems and I doubt another week, month or year will "help him". Leave this man be to sort out his issues.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

I have another thread about having yet another D day, that explains what happened in my situation.

 

So MM has been told he has to move out. And apparently he has not been able to see his kids since everything went down. MM places ALL blame on me. I got his kids taken away, I'm ruining his life because of it, It's all MY fault. He plays the role of such a victim it's ridiculous. Is this a normal or common reaction?

 

It's neither normal nor common, IME.

[donnamaybe]

Jessica honestly, let this overgrown child handle his own issues! He will be just fine

I second this wholeheartedly!

[FieldFlower]

Jessica, I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, but the good news is, you don't have too. One of the most important things in life that I have learned, through all of the hardships I have faced, is that the only thing that I have control of, is my actions. Once you realize that you can't control the situation, can't save him, can't make him realize how much you love him, or how much better life will be once he gets his skeered man boy arse off the fence the better. What you do have contol over is who gets to make life miserable for you, so from one women to the next, tell this big friggin bawl baby of a wus to either man up, shut up, that your not putting up with his **** up. I have also learned that the skeered boys are easily separated from the real men simply by telling them how un-manly they really are..lolol You would never have to tell a real man he is a (insert street name for a cat), cause they act like...a man.

 

Seriously, if he blames you for his ****, then he has absolutely no respect for you, and that isn't something that develops with time. The best window into a persons mind and soul, is how they treat other people, and sadley I've been around this world for a few decades, and I have not met one person that when confronted with their issues, was willing to change for me, change only comes from within. If he doesn't see himself as a problem or his actions now, then it's highly unlikely he ever will. Don't be afraid to go after what you want in life, and never settle for anything less, if your not your bigggest advocate...who will be?

 

You are a women, not a toy, emotional punching bag, bandaid or Xanax, so demand to be treated as one, and accept nothing less.

 

**** em all...lolol (bad, bad day....fantasizing about a one sex utopia, without the Y chromosome, so I'm a little hateful towards the poor down troddened MM, that is sooooo terribly misunderstood, and cry me a river of friggin tears...<gag>). Hang in there.

[fooled once]

You know, if everyone could sleep on these two thoughts:

 

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

 

AND

 

How he speaks and treats and blames his spouse or his xgf, is how he will treat and speak of and blame you one day.

 

Great post.

 

Also, Jessica, she can't THROW him out; it is his home too. She can ask him to leave and he can tell her to pound sand. She can't change the locks on him and she can't bar him from the marital home without court intervention.

 

He is blaming you, wanting you to feel bad for him and offer to take him in. To be the option instead of the priority.

 

Hopefully, you ignore his calls and let him deal with his mess on his own like a grown up.

[wannabdone]

Great post.

 

Also, Jessica, she can't THROW him out; it is his home too. She can ask him to leave and he can tell her to pound sand. She can't change the locks on him and she can't bar him from the marital home without court intervention.

 

He is blaming you, wanting you to feel bad for him and offer to take him in. To be the option instead of the priority.

 

Hopefully, you ignore his calls and let him deal with his mess on his own like a grown up.

 

 

BING-FREAKIN-O!!!! I always told my xMM when he would start crying and whining about being homeless and blah blah blah... I would tell him that she can't kick him out. His name is on that house too....he could tell her what was up, and get his **** together while she did. and then leave the house when the D was final. people do it everyday.

 

But always the blaming on the OW. GEEZ!!!

[Silly_Girl]

Also, Jessica, she can't THROW him out; it is his home too. She can ask him to leave and he can tell her to pound sand. She can't change the locks on him and she can't bar him from the marital home without court intervention.

 

 

 

Great idea! If she's up in his face, upset and angry, and demands he leave, he should just hang on in there regardless. Such fun for the children....