Clarity23 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I originally posted this in the breakup forum but didn't get much response. And since this girl was not actually ever my official GF I thought maybe it would be more appropriate here. Ok. I'll try and make this short but it's not likely so I hope you can bare with me. A little over a year ago I started dating my co worker. I'm 28 she is 25. We dated for about 2-3 months. Basically she was more into me than I was into her. I enjoyed spending time with her but I remember telling myself I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I think it was also because of the where I was at in life. I just moved out to the beach, summer was just starting, I recently started a new job and made new friends and on top of that I was a year out of a relationhip that was terrible. I guess I just wasn't willing to settle down with someone unless it was someone I absolutely couldn't refuse. Part of me also told myself that the next serious relationship I get in, I want to last so I'm going to be more careful with who I pick. So anyway after a few months she told me that she wanted more and I said that I wasn't ready and just wanted to be friends. She agreed and said that was fine and that we could be friends and when I was ready for something more then we could see where it would go. Keep in mind that she was actually very hurt by this and throughout the relationship I, according to how she felt, treated her badly and hurt her badly. So we tried to be friends but she couldn't handle it when she found out that I started getting interested in someone else. And she actually tried sabotaging my relationship with the new girl I was dating. Eventually a few months later she started dating another guy from work and they became boyfriend and girlfriend. I was fine with this. I continued to date around casually but no one really stuck with me. So about 6 months pass and I start seeing her at work a little more often and I begin to want her back. I also hear that she is not very happy in her current relationship and has been asking other co workers how I've been doing and most of them insisted that I could probably get her back. So at this point I have dated around and no one has really caught my interest or compared to her. Also I am getting older, my friends who were once single now have girlfriends and I overall just feel like I'm ready for something a little more serious. I start thinking that maybe I let something good go and I just didn't realize it. Now she has a BF and I could lose my chance forever. So I start emailing her at work. Asking if she would like to grab coffee and meet up. At first she is hesitant but I keep persisting. She asks me why I want to hang out so bad and I tell her I still have feelings for her. She says she's not just gonna fall back for me after I didn't care the first time. She eventually agrees to meet up with me. My plan was to sit her down, catch up for a bit and ask her if she was happy in her relationship and if she thought there would ever be a chance of us giving it another try. But before I could do that she breaks up with her BF. 4 days after she breaks up with him. We hang out and hit it off right away. Just like old times. We hang out for 2 weeks and she is showing all the signs that she is really into me again. but during the second week I got very busy with work and I had to keep turning down offers she was making to hang out with me. Then she asks me to hang out over the weekend but I had plans with friends so I told her I could hang out with her on that Sunday. She agreed. But seemed upset that I was "such a busy guy". This is where everything changed. We talked a bit over the weekend. Everything seemed fine. She even voiced her concern that she felt like she was just "another one" of the many girls I'm probably dating. I assure her that is not the case and there is no one else. Which there really wasn't. So she does her thing and I do my thing that weekend. We hang out on Sunday and everything once again seems normal. Then the next day I contact her to hang out and she seems different. A little stand offish. At this point I start panicking and wondering what happened. "She must have met someone else over the weekend" I though to myself. So I decided I should have a talk with her and let her know that I want to do this right this time and that I want to give the relationship a real chance. I call her and ask if she can talk.. she says "am I in trouble?" and I say "why would you be in trouble?" she then says she thought I may have over heard at work that her friend tried introducing her to someone. (I didn't hear anything at work). I just reply with "i'll talk to you when i get there" So I go over there and I find out that her friend did try introducing her to a guy that weekend but she insisted that she had no interest in him whatsoever. I then begin to tell her that I want to take the relationship more seriously and basically want to be exclusive. She agrees to it that night and just says she still wants to be able to go out with her girlfriends when she wants etc.. i tell her of course she can. I encourage her to have time away from me when she wants. So everything seems fine. Then 2 days later she texts me and tries to break it off basically saying she had time to think and she needs time to herself, she just got out of a relationship and needs to have a clear head before she makes the next move. I freak out. I go have a talk with her. She basically says she likes me alot but dosn't want to get into anything serious right now. She wants to be open to meeting someone if it comes up. If she goes out and someone sparks her interest she wants to be open to it and not feel like she can't. I foolishly agree and say we can just take it day by day, continue to hang out like we have been and see where it goes. So basically over the next month she was very hot and cold. One week would barely contact me or hang out. The next week hang out almost everyday until eventually she just kept slowly pulling away and I couldn't take it anymore. During this time I tried my best to show her I cared for her. Took her out, was very nice and affectionate, I just wanted to show her that I was serious this time and really wanted it to work. I had one final talk with her to see where she stood and she basically said she really cared and likes hanging out with me but the more we hang out the more she likes me and feels like it is going in the direction of a relationship and she doesn't like that. She wants to still be able to explore other options and be single for the summer. I tell her I can't do that anymore. I like her and want a serious relationship and if that's not what she wants, I can't wait around any longer. So we decide to stop hanging out. 2 days later she removes me off her Facebook and I find out from friends she is posting pictures of her and a guy at a amusement park. After she told me there was no one else in the picture and she wanted to see where it would go with us. Shortly after she gets in a committed relationship with this guy and they are BF and GF. I was devastated. She said she didn't want a BF and then gets one right after me. I go 3 weeks no contact then I buckle. I was/am still so confused on what happened. I just want closure. Want to know why it didn't work. I try contacting her to get closure. She says there is nothing to talk about. It's just not going to work out with us. I ask to just meet up for a few minutes so we can talk. Keep in mind we work together and I'm just hoping she can talk to me so I can get some clarity and we can be on good terms so it will not be awkward. She ignores my request. Then I see her at work like a week or 2 later. She texts me saying she dosn't want it to be akward etc but she dosn't want to go back and forth. I say "there is no back and forth, I just want some clarity". She once again ignores my request. 3 or 4 weeks pass. I am still struggling with it. Then I see her at a work party. She is very drunk. We talk for a bit. She keeps giving me these long drawn out hugs for like 20 seconds each. I just laugh about it and am friendly with her. I Tell her friends to make sure that she is OK and makes it home safe etc.. Then 2 days later she emails me at work. Saying she heard I was concerned about her and how much she appreciates it etc... She also says that she knows that I wanted to talk and get closure earlier so if I still want to we can soon. I say yes I still want to. We make plans to talk the following week and of course when that day comes what does she do? She cancels on me and says "raincheck?" I say ok, when can you meet? She says I'm busy next week I'll let you know. She never lets me know. I contact her a week later and ask her what's up. She says she is super busy. sorry. I respond with one final message basically letting her know I was frustrated cause she was the one who brought up talking again and now is flaking. I told her if she is TRULY busy and can't talk then I understand that. But I don't want the run around either. She doesn't respond. OK. So that is where it stands now. I know that was very long and THANK YOU if you read it all. I did leave out ALOT of details too. That last contact was about a month ago. I am still deeply struggling with this all. I have been going to a therapist, talking with friends and family regularly. I know this is a messy situation. First off trying to make a relationship work that didn't work the first time. We work together. She was already hurt from me the first time and probably didn't trust me. I was even doubting the relationship at first when we did get back together the second time. Part of me felt like there was too much baggage and I wanted something new. UGGGH! There are just so many theories: I messed up She didn't like me as much this time She couldn't open up to me because I hurt her the first time She wanted something new or a better match We work together and there was too much baggage. I didn't really want her back, I just wanted her cause she rejected me the second time. I only wanted her back cause she had a BF but once she broke up with him I had my doubts. I forgot about the reasons I broke up with her the first time and was just missing something familiar... etc... Everyone seems to tell me that it's not about her its just about the REJECTION. That I didn't even want her in the first place it was just that I coudln't/can't have her now. But no matter how many people tell me this. I just can't help but feel like I am to blame for all this. I rejected her the first time and when I had a second chance I went and hung out with my friends that one weekend instead of hanging out with her and it scared her off again and that's when I messed up. I HAD A SECOND CHANCE! AND I MESSED UP! And the worst part is, I work with her and have to see her EVERYDAY. I LOOOOVVVEE my job, make good money and can't bring myself to quit or find another job but at the same time I can't seem to get over this. I just want to know what went wrong! Was it my fault? Am I to blame? This girl wasn't even my GF, we just dated, but I am so distraught over the whole situation. Anyway ok, this is turning into a novel. I just wanted to vent. I would love to have your thoughts, advice, suggestions. Anything to help me see clearly through this situation. THANK YOU.
Author Clarity23 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 I read all of this and all it boils down to is the fundamentals: girls want what they can't have. So what do I take from that? Are you saying that I should have done something different? Or that she never really liked me? She has a BF now. So obviously she HAS him. So why is she staying with him?
bwilder Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I'd suggest to pick a reason, any one on your list and go with it. Give yourself some closure. It really doesn't matter. Does it? The fact is you are hurt from being rejected. You are hurt because you pictured spending some real time with this person. It doesn't matter the reason, the end result is the same, she doesn't feel the same way that you do. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can start to heal, and not get so affected by her actions (which by the way, I'm sorry she is putting you through all that. It sounds awful). If you don't want to leave your job, you have to start healing and maybe really try to understand the grieving process and be mindful of your emotions and the hurt that you are feeling. That's what i'm doing, and I think it's helping. That and writing all of my feelings down in a journal- it's pretty cathartic. I tell myself every morning that "he is not coming back. and that i'm hurting but it's normal, and one day I won't hurt anymore." It's totally corny. I don't care. It helps me accept the reality that yup, he's not coming back. For me, i can get stuck in denial, and it's not a good place to be for too long. Good luck getting better
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