ImThinkingWTF Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Im a female, for the past 8 years my best friend has been a guy. We are\were very close and I considered him like a brother. I told him things that I havent told anyone and he has always been there for me. There has never been any type of sexual chemistry between us at all. It is strictly platonic. When he started dating his gf we went on vacations together with her, him, me and my ex. I moved away for about 2 years but moved back into the state 6 months ago. I have always invited her to do things just me and her, when I wanted to invite him somewhere I ALWAYS texted her to see if her and him wanted to go do something. I never left her out of any conversations, yes, me and my friend are close but nothing inappropriate. They only time ive seen him since ive been back is when she was also present, im not affectionate towards him (that would just be weird). About 3 weeks ago he called me to essentially break up with me. He said that his gf was uncomfortable with our relationship. I asked him why, what did I do...he said that she really didnt give him a solid reason but that she just didnt like that we were so close. NOTHING WAS GOING ON. I harbor no feelings for him. And basically told me that he couldnt be friends with me anymore. He and her both defriended me from facebook, and I havent heard anything from him since. I am very upset and cry about this situation everytime I think about it. I feel as though a family member has died. I dont know what to do....I want to email her or him just to get my feelings out there but, at the same time I feel like if our friendship was important to him he would have stood up to her, or atleast contacted me. We are both in our late 20s shes, 22.
D-Lish Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I went through the same thing with my ex male friend. We were close, friends only- also neighbours. Our lofts were side by side and we were the best of friends for 3 years... Until he met his now wife. She banned our friendship. She was actually hostile towards me pretty much all the time. He too walked across the hall (4 feet) and told me he couldn't talk to me anymore because she told him he wasn't allowed to be friends with me anymore. It was awkward- she moved in with him and our doors were literally 4 feet away from one another. I'd have to see them all the time and there was just a cold silence when she was around. Him and I did not continue to sociialize, but when she wasn't around he'd still come over. She made him cut off all his female friends- including the one's with bf's or husband's. It's about being insecure.
Author ImThinkingWTF Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 The thing that bugs me the most is that his gf has always been nice to me and vice versa. There has never been any issue arise what so ever. It was like one day she woke up and just decided that she didnt like me anymore. Even though my friends say that it has nothing to do with me specifically, I cant help but feel like its me. We still share a huge circle of friends and I have skipped a few events because I didnt want to run into them. I feel ostracized. Thank God I dont live across the hall from them.
climbergirl Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 My ex best guy friend had to do this with me per his gf's instructions. We didn't speak for 2 years and we lived ~1000 miles from each other! Not much you can do unless you ask his gf directly. Any chance she picked up on any feelings (other than platonic) he has towards you? Are you positive he only has platonic feelings for you?
Author ImThinkingWTF Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Well, thats what a couple of my other friends have suggested. That he likes me as more than a friend but, in 8 years of friendship, I have never picked up on that and hes never acted on it or let anything slip. Would sending her an email make any difference? I dont even know what I would say because I feel like telling her how important he is to me would just make things worse...
climbergirl Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Well, thats what a couple of my other friends have suggested. That he likes me as more than a friend but, in 8 years of friendship, I have never picked up on that and hes never acted on it or let anything slip. Would sending her an email make any difference? I dont even know what I would say because I feel like telling her how important he is to me would just make things worse... Go ahead and send her an email. Ask her why, but given that you seem to have been on friendly terms with her before, I would say that friendship with both is important to you.
keepsmilin74 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 You might be safe but maybe it was HE who started to develop feelings for you, that you didn't notice, but she did since she spends more time with him. Maybe write her (not him!) a letter, not asking why, just lay out how this made you feel ostracized like your last post. Having been friends with BOTH of them so long, you think you could at least get a hint why you're suddenly chopped liver :/
keepsmilin74 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 lol got distracted by something in the middle of my reply and looks like you covered what I posted by the time I hit submit ... just ignore that ... heh
D-Lish Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 The thing that bugs me the most is that his gf has always been nice to me and vice versa. There has never been any issue arise what so ever. It was like one day she woke up and just decided that she didnt like me anymore. Even though my friends say that it has nothing to do with me specifically, I cant help but feel like its me. We still share a huge circle of friends and I have skipped a few events because I didnt want to run into them. I feel ostracized. Thank God I dont live across the hall from them. My friend's gf was nice to me for the first few months- sometimes overly nice. I really was ostrasized. I had moved to a new city when I met my neighbour and his circle of friends became mine for 3 years. We'd spend many evenings and weekends hanging out in a big group in either of our places. Then, after he wasn't allowed to socialize with me, I'd hear everyone partying and laughing and having fun- and I'd be sitting in my place in my pj's.
Trolly Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 For the last 6 years i've carried a rule going into relationships. No new friends of the opposite sex. Friendships of the opposite sex that existed before the relationship were completely acceptable. I'm by no means saying that my way is the right way, but in any event I have always thought that it's completely unreasonable to dismantle long standing friendships and disrespectful to the significant other in that you're taking away something that strongly shaped them. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. You should email and try to clear the air or find some resolution.
Cristian Luca Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Oh damn he is a coward. Just move on to better friends.
Mcnulty Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 What happens if and when their relationship ends? If he asked to be friends again would you accept? I'd tell him to shove it. He has put a partner ahead of a long standing friendship. I feel for you, you seem like a decent person, do you need people in your life who are going to discard you over a third parties insecurities? I value my friendships dearly and if a gf of mine asked this, I would be questioning if we are right as a couple...the relationship ain't that strong if sh-t like this happens in them!
Author ImThinkingWTF Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 I will write her an email to try to get my feelings across. But, at this point, since he has made no effort to contact me, I don't have a desire to be friends with either of them anymore. I just thought that our friendship was as important to him as it was to me.
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