jimbean21 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 My ex (let us call her Kate) and are I both 21 year old seniors in college who met during our sophomore year (we would end of dating for 1.5 years). Kate does have a bit of a drinking problem that made me nervous. When Kate drinks, she will often black out. This has led to some embarrassing moments such as her breast slipping out of her dress, urinating in my bed and so on. The first major incident occurred while Kate was on a school-sponsored trip (end of Sophomore year). She had blacked out and made out with another guy. Her roommates would later inform me that she was so drunk that they were concerned for her safety. Kate called me the next morning sobbing, and explained what had happened. She told me how sorry she was, and that I had every right to end the relationship. I listened to what she had to say and told her that I would need to think about the situation. I called her back to let her know that I thought we could still salvage the relationship; she left the trip early to return home. Once she returned we met up and were able to work past the situation. A similar situation happened last year (junior year), where a guy supposedly kissed her. This past summer was going smoothly and I visited Kate in June. When I arrived, Kate was a bit off, she would describe it as being nervous after having not seen me since early May. We had a great weekend, and again everything was going good. Kate called me saying that she had been thinking and she thought we should break up. She had felt that we were more like best friends, and there wasn’t much passion (despite having an amazing sex life). I was troubled by this but what could I do. She asked if we could still be friends and my exact words were “unlikely” I just didn’t think it was possible after being so close. Within a week, Kate was back to texting me daily, especially about her brother who had been thrown out of the house. I told her that she needed to make up her mind about us because we were still communicating like a couple. Kate said her feelings were still mixed and she needed time to sort through things. Kate and I would get back together in August. A few weeks later we decided to separate as the relationship didnt seem to be the same. She cried and then we took a drive to a local park where she carved our initials into a wooden gazebo. On the walk back home, I broke down and started crying, this had been my first true relationship and this girl meant the world to me. She was actually surprised that I cried because I am not emotional but she was relieved to see that I cared so much. Kate and I stilled talked, a few days later I got a call from her around midnight. Apparently, she had been very upset about our breakup and had been crying for the past few days, her roommates were not supportive. Kate had been crying in a bar and was upset because her friends had left her in the bathroom. I decided to walk her home during which time she sent several mean texts to her roommates. This would lead to a fight amongst the girls and during the weekend, Kate and I hung out and seemed to rekindle our relationship. She talked about how far I thought our relationship could go, and even talked about kids which freaked me out a bit. She would have a long talk with her roommates about the fight on Sunday. On Monday, I received the “can we talk” text again. This time Kate said she wanted to take another break to focus on herself and her drinking. Her roommates (who like me) said that she always has a guy in her life to use as an emotional crutch. Kate believed this to be true and wanted to go through this alone. I accepted her wishes and gave her space until she started texting and talking to me on g-chat after a day or two. During one of the talks, I asked her if she would want to pick up where we left off after she dealt with her problems; her response was “I would love to.” Now here is where all hell breaks loose. Last Thursday I receive a text from one of my roommates that Kate is at a bar dancing and making out with another guy. Apparently, while a few of my friends were staring at her she made eye contact with them, then grabbed the guy’s face and started kissing him again. I ran to the bar and just stared at her, she looked right back but didn’t even flinch. I was extremely upset and felt like my heart had exploded. I sent her a text saying, “well you got over me fast.” My roommates and a few other friends sat me down once the bar closed and explained how sorry they were. They told me how much they hated Kate for the way that she had treated me in the past, and how they witnessed Kate make out with two guys during the Summer but didn’t have the heart to tell me (technically we weren’t dating). The next morning she responds by saying that I have it all wrong and that we should talk after class. After class, we start talking and she seems annoyed to discuss the situation. I asked her what had happened and could not get a straight answer, she said she never meant for it to go that far, and she had been crying all morning. She then says that she’s a disrespectful person and has been disrespectful to me, also that I should have some self-respect and treat her like a “douche” which is what my friends had been doing (roommate texted her **** you after the bar had closed). I was at a loss for words and just walked away. Throughout the weekend, I saw her with the same guy who turned out to be a coworker and not a student at our university. They were dancing very close and kissing while I was dying on the inside. I sent a few text messages asking Kate to talk with me one more time just for closure. She finally responded on Sunday, and we talked on the phone. Again, she was annoyed and asked why I kept texting her (sent 3 text messages), I told her that I just wanted some closure. I told her that the worst part was that she didn’t even seem to care that our friendship/relationship was destroyed. Kate said that it had been hard on her as well but talking about it would only make it worse. She said she had avoided me to give me space so that we both could move on. I would later find out that her coworker had slept over Saturday night. Yesterday, she added him on facebook and defriended me. We still see each other on campus and she gives me a slight wave. This whole situation has left me dumbfounded; I can’t imagine how we went from talking about our future after college and even kids, to this. I would love any advice or insight into Kate's behavior.
geegirl Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I believe Kate will be Kate. This is who she is. The issue lies with you in that you are tolerant and accepting of such toxic behavior towards you. She will always be this way. Analyze her any way you want. She is showing you who she is. Clear as daylight. The question is, what about YOU makes you want to keep going back?
appletini Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 "Now here is where all hell breaks loose." What! Everything before that sounded like utter chaos, I had no idea what was coming next. I can't say for a fact that she is a "bad" person or an evil person, but I do think she is a either 1) a weak person, or 2) a person with a substance abuse problem. If she's #2, she needs help plain and simple. She needs to address it and find treatment. If you feel you are the one to nudge her in that direction, it's your call, but I don't recommend it based on your history and your feelings for her. If you're still on good terms with her roommates, maybe you can go through them, but I don't know... it seems so messy. I recommend stepping away... If she's #1, then you should understand that no matter what she says, how she apologizes, or what she does for a few days at a time, a couple drinks or a new guy at a bar will unravel it all. You will want so much to believe her every time, but you will keep getting your heart broken. Sorry for the tough love, but I've been in your position. Run.
wilsonx Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) I believe Kate will be Kate. This is who she is. The issue lies with you in that you are tolerant and accepting of such toxic behavior towards you. She will always be this way. Analyze her any way you want. She is showing you who she is. Clear as daylight. The question is, what about YOU makes you want to keep going back? Geegirl, you know the answer to this... you posted the best story on Loveshack http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278306/ STOP LOOKING FOR THE CLOWN. The whole problem with this story is that these types of people are extremely manipulative if you have never dealt with someone like this before. You do not know which way is up. But everything that homebrew stated is true. She is a piece of ****, you are much better off that she defriended you, TRUST ME. You are going to feel pain like no other but use that pain as a reminder of what not to look for in a future relationship. Adding to this, I think you should take a look at this website jimbean21 http://www.joy2meu.com/emotional_honesty.htm and go through it. Edited September 16, 2011 by wilsonx
Author jimbean21 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Thanks for the advice. I realize I attempted to hold on to the relationship for far too long. Kate was the first girl I and dated, and the first girl that I loved which made it harder to end. While it does still hurt things have been getting better. The relationship had obviously been toxic for a long time but I at least I learned some things. God help that poor bastard that shes using as a rebound. Again, thanks for the tough love.
geegirl Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Geegirl, you know the answer to this... you posted the best story on Loveshack http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278306/ STOP LOOKING FOR THE CLOWN. And Kate seems to be like the clown that won't bat an eyelid when she's smashing you down. Time for you to wake up. I do believe it would help for you to find some counseling as to why you tolerated this behavior for 8 years. It will help you figure out why you do what you do and in turn help you make better choices in future.
Chi townD Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 If you don't respect yourself, not a lot of people are going to respect you. Avoid her at all costs. She MIGHT feel guilty about how things went down and she MIGHT try to contact you after a while. Ignore her. She's shown you more disrespect that love in your relationship and to be quite frank, you're better off without her. Don't let her see that what she's doing is bothering you. That's what she wants, don't give her the satisfaction.
Author jimbean21 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 And Kate seems to be like the clown that won't bat an eyelid when she's smashing you down. Time for you to wake up. I do believe it would help for you to find some counseling as to why you tolerated this behavior for 8 years. It will help you figure out why you do what you do and in turn help you make better choices in future. I agree, I have woken up and would just like to clarify that Kate and I dated for 1.5 years and not 8. I have no plans of contacting her. Unfortunately, we will see each other on campus, and she has started to wave when our paths cross.
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