insaneinthebrain Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 wow.. this has been a great insight... i a truly thank you really i do ... I do believe that you care about the people you hurt, just not enough. If i can give an analogy, its similar to when you see an animal on the freeway. You care that it doesn't get hurt, but you really don't want want to risk your safety to help them. The problem is that thats not love. Thats not love at all. You are entering love less relationships, where you are manipulating people into thinking that you love them, but when really you don't, and when people are willing to do anything to save this love, you end up hurting them alot more... probably more then you do by cheating, because you let them delude themselves into thinking that you love them.... when i fact you don't. Do you know what that does to a person.??? Probably not! Let me tell you. It makes you think how could this be happening... did she ever love me, was it all a sham.. how could i love someone that didn't love me... how could i not see that it was just a game to them.... why is this happening... is it my fault .. did i not love her enough...... Believe me.. you have ruined lives...... i know you don't believe it .. but you have..... I once had some like you in my life... and frankly i believed every lie she ever told me, down right to the ones that didn't make sense. It was the most pain full thing i ever had to endure.... i even considered going to Iraq and Afghanistan just because i wanted to see what real pain was like... Personally, i think that you should do everyone you get invovled with a favor... Print out what you typed here...and give it to them as a disclaimer. Get some help.... please... and really have you sister she a phsyc. too.. we dont want her to end up like you .... because what ever hurt you ..... might have hurt her... and PD are believed to be genetic... your genes make you prone to them. I personally think something bad happened to you growing up .... My money is on rape, molestation , or abandonment from mom.... It takes a really cold person to say what you just typed her..... you don't now that .. because you cant see it... and that's what the problem is.. YOU CANT SEE BEYOND YOUR SELF....... and relationships are about two people.. maybe more.... Your missing the basic requirement to be in a relationship, and that is the realization that there someone else is involved. REALLY......... I WISH YOU THE BEST ... I MEAN THAT...... you weren't born this way, and you aren't a bad person..... YOU JUST DON'T KNOW BETTER...... I hope one day you figure it out ..... really i do ...... because you will never be happy this way....... just moving from person to person...... its a recipe for a lot of drama, and disaster in the making...
insaneinthebrain Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Very good. Why do you feel the need to control the outcome? The need must arise because at somepoint in her life someone did something to her in a situation that she couldnt control....... This type of attitude toward relationships is common in rape and molestaion victims..... They try to take as much uncertainty about the future out of their lives when ever they can..... That is why so many of them end up in fundementalist and extremist religions. They manipulate and control, they become more important than anything else... Ive seen women ignore their own children ... the ones who have been raped at a young age are the worse cases. I have heard stories of some of them thinking about killing their own children .... If they dont care about the fruit of their loins.. how can they care about anyone else.... They have no empathy..... none..
alexandria35 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Why? I may suffer from a PD but that doesn't make my question any less valid. Oh I could definitely tell you have a PD by reading your initial post. Since many cheaters are not Personality Disordered their reasons for cheating may or may not be the same as yours.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Cool story, dude. But you could have done a LOT better.
insaneinthebrain Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 So you're saying being a cheating b*tch is some kind of a "personality disorder" rather than a moral failing? Is all bad behavior to be medicalized nowadays? Let's just call a spade a spade: OP, like many other serial cheaters, is just a selfish, evil person. The only novelty here is that she blatantly admits it, which I agree would give good cause for the people who think it's a phony or troll post, since typically cheaters are very careful about deliberately dropping their "camoflauge." It could be that the therapy is working....
Osiris1234 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I did this because I want/wanted something more and better than what I had. It was/is purely selfish on my part. I do care about my SOs but I care about myself and what I want far more. I can stop my As whenever I please but I choose not to. My Background: I am 33 years old. I was married for 6 years and unfaithful for all of them. I was never in love with H although he and everyone around us believed that I was. I did everything to make him and people around us believe this. No, it’s not marriage re-writing. It’s the truth. I am good at play-acting and I put a lot of time and effort into maintaining the illusion. I will put time and effort into the things that I want. I married my H because he was there and he offered me the stability, safety and security that I wanted. He made my life more comfortable and he was loyal, sweet and would be and do anything for me anytime. I appreciated that and yes, it was purely selfish on my part. So pretty much you only married him because he offered a house over your head and financial security, so your pretty muching using him. Why not just leave him already and spare his feelings, oh you can't, because you know if he were to divorce you, you wouldn't have the nice lifestyle you have now and would be pretty much homeless.
sadcalifornian Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 This is why I believe that the healthy people are the ones who can detach and move on upon discovering A. The odds are that their M may be salvageable but by and large the issues are so deep-rooted and have something to do with WH/WW's character flaws that it is better to walk away than trying to save it. I also agree that the biggest element in A is the selfishness, and I also think A is never a product of "Mistake". It is a huge indicator of one's character as a person.
Everest_21 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 You are cold ,psychopathic,narcissistic , mean-hearted , scheming ,degraded, pathetic woman I have ever come across in this forum .So seriously tell your sister that your own convictions motivations are not for her ears or they will surely wipe-off her trust and faith in the fact that good people are still out there.Ask her to meet some professional some who can really help and not a witch-doctor like you.....
nofool4u Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 So please tell me in light of your own experience and understanding of love, was it difficult to understand or accept the motivations of your WS? the motivations didn't matter to me. all that matters is leaving her when she cheated. if the excuse as many people who cheat will say is that they didn't get enough attention, which alot of times is an overblown excuse, then the situation would be like "ok, I can admit that things might have cooled down in the relationship. now pack your bags"
nyrias2 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 No doubt that she is aware of that. I would've suggested that she see a psychologist...but she already knows about that option. Why? I am not sure a sociopath cares about other people knowing that he/she is one.
nyrias2 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Maybe not, but how can you say you do care..then say you don't think about the pain you're causing. That means you don't care. There is no empathy there. You manipulate You care more about YOU. Have you been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? Your mode of thinking is comparable to a serial killer..only you emotionally kill. You may need to be on some mode of medication to regulate your feelings. You may care..but it is seriouly distorted. If people are wise here, they will not tell you what they think in accordance to your question..it will give you more fuel to "get your ducks in a row" in the future if you don't get real help now. You didn't say what she cares ABOUT. It is perfectly logical that she cares about how the worlds see her, and wants to maintain a particular image. She may even cares about her spouse to an extent (like towards a puppy, or a stranger) but obviously NOT care enough about the pain she may cause. I am not sure she needs help. Why change her? You may want to help her "victims" but I am not sure she needs help. As long as she operates within the confine of the law, i don't see why she could not live as a sociopath. We live in a free country. If someone wants to live a narcissistic life, who are you (or am i) to stop it?
nyrias2 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 So pretty much you only married him because he offered a house over your head and financial security, so your pretty muching using him. Why not just leave him already and spare his feelings, oh you can't, because you know if he were to divorce you, you wouldn't have the nice lifestyle you have now and would be pretty much homeless. Didn't you just answer the question? Of course she is not going to leave him and spare his feelings. She won't be the first, and won't be the last girl to marry a guy for reasons OTHER than love and care.
nyrias2 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Let's just call a spade a spade: OP, like many other serial cheaters, is just a selfish, evil person. The only novelty here is that she blatantly admits it, which I agree would give good cause for the people who think it's a phony or troll post, since typically cheaters are very careful about deliberately dropping their "camoflauge." I disagree. Cheaters, like any humans, like to gloat to. And it is perfectly SAFE to gloat in an anonymous internet forum. In fact, i am surprised there are fewer blatantly gloating cheaters here. You know, research shows that 70% of the cheaters got away with it, so there are a lot of them who have something to gloat about.
SoulStorm Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 You didn't say what she cares ABOUT. It is perfectly logical that she cares about how the worlds see her, and wants to maintain a particular image. She may even cares about her spouse to an extent (like towards a puppy, or a stranger) but obviously NOT care enough about the pain she may cause. I am not sure she needs help. Why change her? You may want to help her "victims" but I am not sure she needs help. As long as she operates within the confine of the law, i don't see why she could not live as a sociopath. We live in a free country. If someone wants to live a narcissistic life, who are you (or am i) to stop it? So in other words..we shouldn't try to have her change so she can continue having victims? So it is fine to treat her victims but not the cause of the villainy? In that case lets free all the offenders out of jail..let them commit their terror..then just treat the victims as long as they stay in confines of the law. You didn't say what she cares ABOUT. I did in an earlier post..she cares about herself.
NoIDidn't Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Why? I may suffer from a PD but that doesn't make my question any less valid. Do you realize that with what you have posted..you could be diagnosed as sociopathic? Very controlling too. Your post was written to manipulate a desired response. Not answer a question. You very well know why your sister thinks as she does..you are just seeing how many more thinks as she does. You will now try to inquire of me how I came to that conclusion,,,but I'm not going to tell you. It will only feed your controlling modus operandi.. You may not be a troll..but you ma'am are a dangerous woman to be in a relationship with. Oh I could definitely tell you have a PD by reading your initial post. Since many cheaters are not Personality Disordered their reasons for cheating may or may not be the same as yours. Yep, the minute I read the OP, I thought this is the writing of someone with a personality disorder. OP, you may never be able to understand the "Why" of the feelings of those you have hurt or the hurting that you know. But I think its commendable that you are trying and in IC. Not many of the PD'd ever seek IC thinking the problem lies within everyone else. And I agree with Alexandria. Given that you have a personality disorder, your reasons for cheating aren't likely to line up with the non-personality disordered individuals. I wish you the best of luck in IC.
Circular Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 When I read this I was intrigued because of the rarity of female SCs, it tends to be a far more common trait of males to be SCs because of emotional compartmentalization. From all the reading I've done the pattern for females is they cheat once, rarely cheat twice, and if they do typically it winds up being the same person due to the emotional bonding. Here it's quite obvious even, the OP has no sense of empathy or a very limited sense of empathy (a more common male issue). The usury approach to others shows a borderline sociopathic tendency almost like an extreme bi-polar. It's interesting to see that this validates a lot of what I've read.
reboot Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I personally found the OP fascinating. I truly believe many such people exist. I just hope they aren't the majority.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I personally found the OP fascinating. I truly believe many such people exist. I just hope they aren't the majority. Me too. And, I do hope she gets help. To be honest, when i read the first post, I thought the OP was a guy, not a woman.. unless I missed it? I certainly hope there are NO children involved.
Spark1111 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 When I read this I was intrigued because of the rarity of female SCs, it tends to be a far more common trait of males to be SCs because of emotional compartmentalization. From all the reading I've done the pattern for females is they cheat once, rarely cheat twice, and if they do typically it winds up being the same person due to the emotional bonding. Here it's quite obvious even, the OP has no sense of empathy or a very limited sense of empathy (a more common male issue). The usury approach to others shows a borderline sociopathic tendency almost like an extreme bi-polar. It's interesting to see that this validates a lot of what I've read. Circular, I too read a lot and know that the average number of partners among bipolars while married is 14 during the manic stage! That's bio-chemical in nature, does not reflect on their love for their spouse, but of course, most wind up divorced! These are the people who are compulsive risk takers and cannot say no! Then you have the chronic philanderers who DO compartmentalize. They are the conquistadores and it is often culturally or family of origin based: They love spouse and family, but it is accepted to bang anyone you can on the side as long as you are discreet. Sex with many gratifies them sexually as it boosts their ego and prowess as a man's man. Very macho culture. Then you have the psychopathic serial cheaters: They were abused as children, either emotionally, physically and often, but not always sexually, and they DO develop a PD, and they have an obsessive need to be in control beacause they FEAR being out of control. It is not so much about sexual gratification or sexual gratification as it is about seeking sex with strangers as a panacea when feeling out of control by stressors in life. It is more about empowerment and release then sex. These are the hardest to treat, the hardest to change. They are very smart. Unfortunately, they do not love anyone as much as they fear being out of control by fear. They are the hardest to treat and rehabilitate, and are hard to diagnose because they tend to be very intelligent and therefore, somewhat obtuse. Unfortunately, most of the public confuse the three sub-types. Only a trained professional, after extensive time and counseling, can do so. Even then, a PD can fool many most of the time.
Spark1111 Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 this reminds me about what one of my profs. said years ago ahe felt that those with antisocial personality disorders may be the ultimate in empaths. they are extremely adept at "reading" other people and their feelings and using this knowledge to best suit their own needs and exploit the other person. while they may be able to "read" feelings such as compasssion, kindness, love, sadeness, and know right from wrong, this does not mean they can experience these emotions nor does it mean they understand them. but they are very skilled at imitating them. combine this hightened empathy with therir skill at mimicking emotional response with their lack of conscience and you have a very dangerous person. they will say what they think they shiould say and act how they feel they should feel, but it is all hollow. the frightening thing is that, from what i understand, there is no known accepted therapy or treatment for this condition. Absolutely the hardest to treat, with a very low rate of success. The hardest to diagnose too! Few Professionals have even seen a true PD as they can mimic many other pathologies. They are smart, obtuse, and will mimic whatever you need them to. They read people and their weaknesses very, very well, even counselors! They are so far removed from a true, authentic self and are highly intelligent, using both skills (developed to escape the abuse) that they fool themselves best of all. They are the hardest patients to treat in psychotherapy, which IS what makes them dangerous. They charm and succeed, but leave a path of relational devastation in their wake! And that often includes many, many people, including the therapist!
Circular Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Absolutely the hardest to treat, with a very low rate of success. The hardest to diagnose too! Few Professionals have even seen a true PD as they can mimic many other pathologies. They are smart, obtuse, and will mimic whatever you need them to. They read people and their weaknesses very, very well, even counselors! They are so far removed from a true, authentic self and are highly intelligent, using both skills (developed to escape the abuse) that they fool themselves best of all. They are the hardest patients to treat in psychotherapy, which IS what makes them dangerous. They charm and succeed, but leave a path of relational devastation in their wake! And that often includes many, many people, including the therapist! Yes, 100% true. They imitate emotion, they don't feel it themselves. Empathy though is a mimic trait, it's that they know intellectually how they should act or how they are expected to act and they've learned and lived by this their whole lives. They are master manipulators and know how to get what they want. Have known one first hand most of my life. And, no it's not me
samsungxoxo Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I think it's good that at least the OP is writing how she feels or rather doesn't feels and must be wondering how is there a lack of empathy. I would say it sounds more like a narcissist since sociopaths don't even recognized they have problems nor come seeking for insights online. They would just go on with their lives and not care one bit to even question their own behavior. If she's a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder than there is some hope but if she were sociopathic then there's no cure for that (except maybe a bit of help through medications). The fact that she wants to share this means she wants to find out how she acts that way and why she cheats without feeling guilt and can keep doing it over and over again.
visualbasicide Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Those of us that loved our spouses would have died for them, and in a way many of us have. Took me a year and a half to figure out what you just posted. We think that because we were married and devoted to someone we are supposed to be able to trust that it works both ways and when the truth in the lies comes out it's very hard to grasp that someone we would give so much for would take everything and then do anything to avoid remorse or accountability. If you love someone and believe they love you too then this is an alien concept. It's far easier to think we have done something wrong than it is to hammer in the simple fact that the person we thought we could trust the most could just as easily put a gun to our heads and pull the trigger, except you would have to have a spine to do that. My ex showed more emotions getting rid of one of our dogs than she did when she betrayed me, took my daughter, home, friends, family and life away from me. Hard pill to swallow. The person I loved either never existed or died sometime after I got married. I'll let the professionals worry about who is living in a fairy tale, I've moved on.
betterdeal Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 this reminds me about what one of my profs. said years ago ahe felt that those with antisocial personality disorders may be the ultimate in empaths. they are extremely adept at "reading" other people and their feelings and using this knowledge to best suit their own needs and exploit the other person. while they may be able to "read" feelings such as compasssion, kindness, love, sadeness, and know right from wrong, this does not mean they can experience these emotions nor does it mean they understand them. but they are very skilled at imitating them. combine this hightened empathy with therir skill at mimicking emotional response with their lack of conscience and you have a very dangerous person. they will say what they think they shiould say and act how they feel they should feel, but it is all hollow. the frightening thing is that, from what i understand, there is no known accepted therapy or treatment for this condition. I wonder how your professor knows that someone doesn't feel an emotion, or was she or he making that up?
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