Why I cheat.

[SerenitySeeking]

I guess the title says it all. I am a serial cheater.

 

I am posting on this forum because I can see how many of you are in pain and seeking answers and I want to provide some insight if I can, just as I am hoping to gain insight into the pain and confusion of the BS. My sister was recently betrayed by her husband and she has been angrily seeking answers from me as to why cheaters cheat.

 

I know why I cheat and my own motivations as well as those of my APs who have often been cheaters too. She has had a hard time accepting my explanations. I do not blame her for it because I can understand that infidelity hurts but I am confused why she seems to deliberately tell me that I MUST have better reasons.

 

The truth is that if there are two people in this world that I am honest with (I know that honesty doesn’t go hand in hand with being unfaithful) that is myself and my sister. I have lied to many people over and over again but never to myself or her. I will start by saying that I am fully aware of my actions and that they are wrong, selfish and unfair to my SO and APs. I own responsibility for my actions because I made conscious decisions to engage in As. I did this because I want/wanted something more and better than what I had. It was/is purely selfish on my part. I do care about my SOs but I care about myself and what I want far more. I can stop my As whenever I please but I choose not to.

 

My Background: I am 33 years old. I was married for 6 years and unfaithful for all of them. I was never in love with H although he and everyone around us believed that I was. I did everything to make him and people around us believe this. No, it’s not marriage re-writing. It’s the truth. I am good at play-acting and I put a lot of time and effort into maintaining the illusion. I will put time and effort into the things that I want.

 

I married my H because he was there and he offered me the stability, safety and security that I wanted. He made my life more comfortable and he was loyal, sweet and would be and do anything for me anytime. I appreciated that and yes, it was purely selfish on my part. I own that it was highly unfair to him and that the very worst thing I ever did to him was marry him – and the very best thing that I ever did for him was D him.

 

When he found out about the most recent A I had during our M he was devastated and in pain. I was shocked that I had gotten careless enough that he found out. I did feel guilty about what I was doing to him but I find it easy to ‘push’ the guilt aside. Yes, I am in IC.

 

He wanted to work on the M. I agreed but not because I wanted the M. I wanted control of the situation and reconciliation gave me the opportunity to buy time to get ‘my ducks in a row’ before I pulled the trigger. I played for time and got it. Once again I was acting selfishly. I’m not sugar coating my thought process or what I did.

 

I’ve read and heard of lot of people say that they made a mistake by having an A or that ‘it just happened’. I very much doubt that. Affairs are conscious choices that require significant investment and planning. You are building a relationship with another person while maintaining your official relationship. To find a satisfying balance and to keep it secret is a difficult task. The only reason to take on this work is because you want to and because what you are getting from the situation is what you want.

 

I have seen regretful WS and while some do genuinely discover they love their SB by going through an A, most others believe they made a mistake in thinking that the AP would offer more stability/love/etc. then their SO.

 

My sister finds it hard to believe that selfishness is the biggest driving force in my actions as I believe it is hard for her to accept that her WS may be the same. Is this a normal reaction? I have read that there is a lot of denial in BS at the beginning but what do you genuinely believe the reasons are for your WS to be unfaithful? Problems in a M are a given. But when I was in love in my younger years (and not with my H) I can promise that I never even slightly thought about being unfaithful. It was the last thing on my mind and I was not even open to the possibility as I do not believe that m/any of you were cheaters before you were betrayed.

 

So please tell me in light of your own experience and understanding of love, was it difficult to understand or accept the motivations of your WS?

Thank you for reading and I hope that you respond. I am genuinely seeking answers in order to help understand my sister and I do not intend to offend people or cause more hurt.

Edited September 15, 2011 by SerenitySeeking

[Kidd]

Calling troll on this one.

[SerenitySeeking]

Calling troll on this one.

 

Why?

 

I may suffer from a PD but that doesn't make my question any less valid.

[Bryanp]

This was one of the most painful posts I have ever read. The fact that down deep it really does not bother you to hurt people that truly love you. You are like a shirt without buttons. You have a whole in your being where a heart should be. I feel so sorry for you for what you are missing in life. You apparently have no clue about what it means to love and respect other people. You have a broken moral compass. Maybe in the next life you will become a better person. Your story is beyond sad. At the end of your life the only thing you will show for it is that you destroyed people who loved you for your own selfish desires. What is wrong with this picture? Good luck.

[Severely Unamused]

I believe you.

 

I'm glad that you are at least self-aware enough to own your actions.

 

Often, the explanation is that simple. Many WSs are quite simply...delusionary enough to think differently.

 

Thank you.

[SoulStorm]

I guess the title says it all. I am a serial cheater.

 

I am posting on this forum because I can see how many of you are in pain and seeking answers and I want to provide some insight if I can, just as I am hoping to gain insight into the pain and confusion of the BS. My sister was recently betrayed by her husband and she has been angrily seeking answers from me as to why cheaters cheat.

 

I know why I cheat and my own motivations as well as those of my APs who have often been cheaters too. She has had a hard time accepting my explanations. I do not blame her for it because I can understand that infidelity hurts but I am confused why she seems to deliberately tell me that I MUST have better reasons.

 

The truth is that if there are two people in this world that I am honest with (I know that honesty doesn’t go hand in hand with being unfaithful) that is myself and my sister. I have lied to many people over and over again but never to myself or her. I will start by saying that I am fully aware of my actions and that they are wrong, selfish and unfair to my SO and APs. I own responsibility for my actions because I made conscious decisions to engage in As. I did this because I want/wanted something more and better than what I had. It was/is purely selfish on my part. I do care about my SOs but I care about myself and what I want far more. I can stop my As whenever I please but I choose not to.

 

My Background: I am 33 years old. I was married for 6 years and unfaithful for all of them. I was never in love with H although he and everyone around us believed that I was. I did everything to make him and people around us believe this. No, it’s not marriage re-writing. It’s the truth. I am good at play-acting and I put a lot of time and effort into maintaining the illusion. I will put time and effort into the things that I want.

 

I married my H because he was there and he offered me the stability, safety and security that I wanted. He made my life more comfortable and he was loyal, sweet and would be and do anything for me anytime. I appreciated that and yes, it was purely selfish on my part. I own that it was highly unfair to him and that the very worst thing I ever did to him was marry him – and the very best thing that I ever did for him was D him.

 

When he found out about the most recent A I had during our M he was devastated and in pain. I was shocked that I had gotten careless enough that he found out. I did feel guilty about what I was doing to him but I find it easy to ‘push’ the guilt aside. Yes, I am in IC.

 

He wanted to work on the M. I agreed but not because I wanted the M. I wanted control of the situation and reconciliation gave me the opportunity to buy time to get ‘my ducks in a row’ before I pulled the trigger. I played for time and got it. Once again I was acting selfishly. I’m not sugar coating my thought process or what I did.

 

I’ve read and heard of lot of people say that they made a mistake by having an A or that ‘it just happened’. I very much doubt that. Affairs are conscious choices that require significant investment and planning. You are building a relationship with another person while maintaining your official relationship. To find a satisfying balance and to keep it secret is a difficult task. The only reason to take on this work is because you want to and because what you are getting from the situation is what you want.

 

I have seen regretful WS and while some do genuinely discover they love their SB by going through an A, most others believe they made a mistake in thinking that the AP would offer more stability/love/etc. then their SO.

 

My sister finds it hard to believe that selfishness is the biggest driving force in my actions as I believe it is hard for her to accept that her WS may be the same. Is this a normal reaction? I have read that there is a lot of denial in BS at the beginning but what do you genuinely believe the reasons are for your WS to be unfaithful? Problems in a M are a given. But when I was in love in my younger years (and not with my H) I can promise that I never even slightly thought about being unfaithful. It was the last thing on my mind and I was not even open to the possibility as I do not believe that m/any of you were cheaters before you were betrayed.

 

So please tell me in light of your own experience and understanding of love, was it difficult to understand or accept the motivations of your WS?

Thank you for reading and I hope that you respond. I am genuinely seeking answers in order to help understand my sister and I do not intend to offend people or cause more hurt.

 

Do you realize that with what you have posted..you could be diagnosed as sociopathic?

Very controlling too.

Your post was written to manipulate a desired response. Not answer a question. You very well know why your sister thinks as she does..you are just seeing how many more thinks as she does.

You will now try to inquire of me how I came to that conclusion,,,but I'm not going to tell you.

It will only feed your controlling modus operandi..

 

You may not be a troll..but you ma'am are a dangerous woman to be in a relationship with.

[Severely Unamused]

Do you realize that with what you have posted..you could be diagnosed as sociopathic?

Very controlling too.

Your post was written to manipulate a desired response. Not answer a question. You very well know why your sister thinks as she does..you are just seeing how many more thinks as she does.

You will now try to inquire of me how I came to that conclusion,,,but I'm not going to tell you.

It will only feed your controlling modus operandi..

 

You may not be a troll..but you ma'am are a dangerous woman to be in a relationship with.

 

No doubt that she is aware of that.

 

I would've suggested that she see a psychologist...but she already knows about that option.

[SidLyon]

I guess the title says it all. I am a serial cheater.

 

I am posting on this forum because I can see how many of you are in pain and seeking answers and I want to provide some insight if I can, just as I am hoping to gain insight into the pain and confusion of the BS. My sister was recently betrayed by her husband and she has been angrily seeking answers from me as to why cheaters cheat.

 

I know why I cheat and my own motivations as well as those of my APs who have often been cheaters too. She has had a hard time accepting my explanations. I do not blame her for it because I can understand that infidelity hurts but I am confused why she seems to deliberately tell me that I MUST have better reasons.

 

The truth is that if there are two people in this world that I am honest with (I know that honesty doesn’t go hand in hand with being unfaithful) that is myself and my sister. I have lied to many people over and over again but never to myself or her. I will start by saying that I am fully aware of my actions and that they are wrong, selfish and unfair to my SO and APs. I own responsibility for my actions because I made conscious decisions to engage in As. I did this because I want/wanted something more and better than what I had. It was/is purely selfish on my part. I do care about my SOs but I care about myself and what I want far more. I can stop my As whenever I please but I choose not to.

 

My Background: I am 33 years old. I was married for 6 years and unfaithful for all of them. I was never in love with H although he and everyone around us believed that I was. I did everything to make him and people around us believe this. No, it’s not marriage re-writing. It’s the truth. I am good at play-acting and I put a lot of time and effort into maintaining the illusion. I will put time and effort into the things that I want.

 

I married my H because he was there and he offered me the stability, safety and security that I wanted. He made my life more comfortable and he was loyal, sweet and would be and do anything for me anytime. I appreciated that and yes, it was purely selfish on my part. I own that it was highly unfair to him and that the very worst thing I ever did to him was marry him – and the very best thing that I ever did for him was D him.

 

When he found out about the most recent A I had during our M he was devastated and in pain. I was shocked that I had gotten careless enough that he found out. I did feel guilty about what I was doing to him but I find it easy to ‘push’ the guilt aside. Yes, I am in IC.

 

He wanted to work on the M. I agreed but not because I wanted the M. I wanted control of the situation and reconciliation gave me the opportunity to buy time to get ‘my ducks in a row’ before I pulled the trigger. I played for time and got it. Once again I was acting selfishly. I’m not sugar coating my thought process or what I did.

 

I’ve read and heard of lot of people say that they made a mistake by having an A or that ‘it just happened’. I very much doubt that. Affairs are conscious choices that require significant investment and planning. You are building a relationship with another person while maintaining your official relationship. To find a satisfying balance and to keep it secret is a difficult task. The only reason to take on this work is because you want to and because what you are getting from the situation is what you want.

 

I have seen regretful WS and while some do genuinely discover they love their SB by going through an A, most others believe they made a mistake in thinking that the AP would offer more stability/love/etc. then their SO.

 

My sister finds it hard to believe that selfishness is the biggest driving force in my actions as I believe it is hard for her to accept that her WS may be the same. Is this a normal reaction? I have read that there is a lot of denial in BS at the beginning but what do you genuinely believe the reasons are for your WS to be unfaithful? Problems in a M are a given. But when I was in love in my younger years (and not with my H) I can promise that I never even slightly thought about being unfaithful. It was the last thing on my mind and I was not even open to the possibility as I do not believe that m/any of you were cheaters before you were betrayed.

 

So please tell me in light of your own experience and understanding of love, was it difficult to understand or accept the motivations of your WS?

Thank you for reading and I hope that you respond. I am genuinely seeking answers in order to help understand my sister and I do not intend to offend people or cause more hurt.

 

I have bolded 2 bits.

 

One of my biggest fears is that my WH is the same. That it all boils down to extreme selfishness, and that the reconciliation we have been having for the last (nearly) 3 years is a big act on his part. [On my bad days...]

 

Can I ask how long you stayed "getting your ducks in a row" after d-day, before you "pulled the trigger"?

[SerenitySeeking]

I am in IC for the problems that have been outlined above. I have many years of work ahead of me and I do not intend to M again at this stage.

 

I am not heartless. I do care but I do not think about and can forget about the pain my actions are causing to my SO or others because it is not as important to me at that time - if you can understand.

 

I do know it is wrong. I can say that I never WANT to hurt people but that as the logical result of my actions will be hurt. It's just that I don't really think about it.

 

I repeat that I do not want to cause offense and I expect to be called many names since I have in the past. I did not want to cause more hurt, I want to know what I can say and do to help a BS in the early stages after finding out about an A. I am not doing a good job right now despite all my reading on this site.

[SerenitySeeking]

 

Can I ask how long you stayed "getting your ducks in a row" after d-day, before you "pulled the trigger"?

 

 

I took 8 months.

[Saul Goodman]

i hope this is not real but a social experiment of sorts. I have never read anyone so devoid of compassion and emotion for another's feelings. It's eerie scary.

 

What? She has a genuine PD. I don't find this post that hard to believe.

 

It's actually useful for people that are married to genuine sociopaths (I'm guessing that this is what she has).

[Woggle]

i hope this is not real but a social experiment of sorts. I have never read anyone so devoid of compassion and emotion for another's feelings. It's eerie scary.

 

Us who have been the receiving end of this kind of thing know all too well about it. At least she is getting help which is more than I can say for others.

[Spark1111]

I have read that serial cheaters are control freaks. It empowers them, more than it sexually satisfies them.

 

You seem to foot the bill and are answering questions honestly.

 

Why the need for control? Why the need for more? Why is it never enough for you?

 

And I personally believe the selfishness is a ruse, a disguise, to mask how out-of-control you really do feel most of the time.

 

Why? And when did it start?

[Saul Goodman]

These two tidbits don't appear to me to be something written by the same mindset. They just don't jive to me.

 

I think it makes sense.

 

She is capable of empathy. But only to a certain degree.

[SoulStorm]

I am not heartless. I do care but I do not think about and can forget about the pain my actions are causing to my SO or others because it is not as important to me at that time - if you can understand.

Maybe not, but how can you say you do care..then say you don't think about the pain you're causing.

That means you don't care. There is no empathy there. You manipulate

You care more about YOU. Have you been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder?

 

Your mode of thinking is comparable to a serial killer..only you emotionally kill.

You may need to be on some mode of medication to regulate your feelings.

 

You may care..but it is seriouly distorted.

 

If people are wise here, they will not tell you what they think in accordance to your question..it will give you more fuel to "get your ducks in a row" in the future if you don't get real help now.

[Seraph1]

I feel sorry for you OP and I am glad that you are getting IC.

 

I had to think hard about why you would tell this story until I read that you wanted to know what to say and do to help your sister. I would say that the other posters are right and that you lack empathy to a certain degree so you are unsure how to behave and relate to your sister in an honest way which can help her right now.

 

The only advice I can give is to listen to her and NOT keep telling her why you cheated. It sounds like she already knows. Talk to your counsellor and perhaps suggest that your sister go and see a counsellor herself to talk about how she is feeling.

[woinlove]

I feel sorry for you OP and I am glad that you are getting IC.

 

I had to think hard about why you would tell this story until I read that you wanted to know what to say and do to help your sister. I would say that the other posters are right and that you lack empathy to a certain degree so you are unsure how to behave and relate to your sister in an honest way which can help her right now.

 

The only advice I can give is to listen to her and NOT keep telling her why you cheated. It sounds like she already knows. Talk to your counsellor and perhaps suggest that your sister go and see a counsellor herself to talk about how she is feeling.

 

This seems like good advice.

 

Your sister's WH may not be like you - and almost certainly is not if he is not a chronic cheater. Just try to listen and, if you are able, show compassion and love for your sister and don't make it about you and how you are. Help her with practical things when you can - like making her a meal, running errands, giving her something she will enjoy, whatever you think might make her feel loved and cared for.

[SerenitySeeking]

 

Your sister's WH may not be like you - and almost certainly is not if he is not a chronic cheater. Just try to listen and, if you are able, show compassion and love for your sister and don't make it about you and how you are. Help her with practical things when you can - like making her a meal, running errands, giving her something she will enjoy, whatever you think might make her feel loved and cared for.

 

Thank you.

[SerenitySeeking]

 

Why the need for control? Why the need for more? Why is it never enough for you?

 

And I personally believe the selfishness is a ruse, a disguise, to mask how out-of-control you really do feel most of the time.

 

Why? And when did it start?

 

It started in my late teens although I didn't start cheating until I was about 23.

 

I'm not really too sure why what I have isn't enough. It should be.

 

I need control because if I manage the situation then I can get what I want from it. When I can't control the situation I am uncomfortable. I'm finding it uncomfortable to even try to explain those reasons now and I would prefer not to and avoid the questions.

 

I guess that the most coherent answer I can give is: When I am not in control I have no power over the outcome.

[2long]

I can understand your sister's desire for perspective on what her WH might be thinking or what might explain his choice 2 cheat on her.

 

But regardless of the outcome of his affair - i.e., whether they stay married or divorce - is going 2 have less and less 2 do with your perspective on his cheating, then less and less on his own explanations (assuming he gives her any), and more and more on what she wants for the rest of her own life. What her values are. What her concepts of integrity and morality are.

 

And once she understands that her own happiness comes from within, and not from those around her who have professed 2 love her but clearly don't have the capacity 2 do so (because they have a skewed impression of what love even is), she may not need you anymore.

 

I've seen many times where a BS recovers their own sanity before the WS pulls their head out of their nethers. It is at this time that the relationship is at one of its greatest risks of ending, because the BS knows they will be better off without a cheater, but the cheater might not quite be ready 2 stop cheating. I've also seen WSs come running home and wanting 2 reconcile when the BS has had enough and is starting 2 move on without the WS.

 

You say you're in IC? Are you also still cheating? I don't know what you hope 2 accomplish if you haven't put a stop 2 the selfish behavior.

 

-ol' 2long

[Steen719]

I think your sister ought to come here and get support (without saying whose sister she is). She might gain some insight from both sides of the affair.

[Spark1111]

It started in my late teens although I didn't start cheating until I was about 23.

 

I'm not really too sure why what I have isn't enough. It should be.

 

I need control because if I manage the situation then I can get what I want from it. When I can't control the situation I am uncomfortable. I'm finding it uncomfortable to even try to explain those reasons now and I would prefer not to and avoid the questions.

 

I guess that the most coherent answer I can give is: When I am not in control I have no power over the outcome.

 

Very good. Why do you feel the need to control the outcome?

[Saul Goodman]

If people are wise here, they will not tell you what they think in accordance to your question..it will give you more fuel to "get your ducks in a row" in the future if you don't get real help now.

 

That is an interesting thought SS. And I honestly mean Serenity no disrespect by saying this...

 

If her treatment does fail (and sociopathy and the like does have a low rehabilitation rate; somebody get the numbers), than all we and IC are doing is helping her better manipulate other people.

 

So let's hope IC works.

[SoulStorm]

It started in my late teens although I didn't start cheating until I was about 23.

 

I'm not really too sure why what I have isn't enough. It should be.

 

I need control because if I manage the situation then I can get what I want from it. When I can't control the situation I am uncomfortable. I'm finding it uncomfortable to even try to explain those reasons now and I would prefer not to and avoid the questions.

 

I guess that the most coherent answer I can give is: When I am not in control I have no power over the outcome.

 

Remember this..those who seek to control are controlled by fear.

When you do this you turn people into objects in order to make yourself feel safe. It is not fair to make anyone disposable for your own benefit.

[michelangelo]

Your empty life devoid of true affection is a sad way to be. The using of a good man as you have done is despicable. frustratingly, because of your sociopathic attitude you will not really care about reading this assessment.

 

My wish would be that you stop using people and find a way to change.