bnuttz Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 First off, sorry for the length of this, but I wanted to put it all down. I don't even think any of my friends/family know the entire story. Here it is. I just want some thoughts from outsiders, because I think everybody I talk to has a bias. I started seeing girl in 2002 while in college. We were definitely college sweethearts and she was the first love I had. We moved in together in 2004 to share an apartment while still in school. It was a happy time, but one night she came home crying to tell me she cheated on me with one of her friends. Being that I was broke and we had this lease for another several months, I worked on forgiving her, and we made it work. In 2005 I moved across the state for work. We tried to make long distance work, and for the most part were successful. In the summer of 2006 she traveled out to CA to visit family and friends. When she came back, she said she was going to go back out there to visit her friend again. I asked if I could go with her, and she refused. Then basically said she wanted to separate to find herself. I was devastated, but we still talked almost daily. After several months I probably talked her into getting back together. Later I found out she was sleeping with one of her friends out there from a friend I knew who knew that guy. I don't know if it was when we were together or not though, so I let it go. Things were good again, although we were still living across the state from each other. In 2008 I made plans to move out there with my job to be with her. Well she comes to visit me on my birthday and tells me she met another guy at a club and is going to see him. Again I am devastated. This time I see another girl or two, but nothing serious. She continues talking to me, but of course when I tell her I am seeing somebody she gets mad. Eventually the other guy she was seeing tells her it is me or him, and she chooses me and comes back. I am single at the time and take her back. Things are good again, but I told myself before getting involved I can't take anymore cheating or straying, that is it. Well things go great and I end up proposing to here in 2009. She ends up moving over by me. The first year goes great. She developed depression in 2010 after she started talking to a therapist about her mother, and things got really rough. She went on a bunch of medication, lost her job and ignored the help I tried to give her to get her to transfer jobs. She didn't help with anything around the house and didn't want to go out and do anything with friends. She ended up getting upset that I was still going out and doing things with friends without her. I was probably not sensitive enough to her depression, but I helped her with bills and covered her rent. She ended up finding a friend she started hanging out with. I let it go, but ended up hearing that she went to visit family with him without telling me, and went to Boston with him again, without telling me. I ended up hearing about that from her sister. I also saw inappropriate text messages from and to him, but she assured me they were just friends and nothing was going on. I believed her. Eventually I found her not wearing the engagement ring so I took it back. She got blacklisted in town basically and ended up applying for a job in her old town, and then across the country. She took the job across the country and I helped her move down there in 2010, I loaned her the money to do so on the account that she would pay me back. Mainly to get her out, as I was extremely stressed at this point. Of course she promised to pay me back, but that never happened. I wanted to move where she is, to be with her, but also to be in that city. But the more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to be with her. Eventually I moved on and started dating. I am now on my third relationship since this, and that has been going on for almost 6 months. But I don't find myself happy. She calls me once in a while, and the most recent time she told me she wants to be back together. She has been very sad i called off the wedding, she is upset I am seeing others, etc. I feel a draw to her, but that wouldn't be wise would it? None of my friends like her anymore, but for some reason I still want something, I don't have closure. Would giving this thing another chance be utterly stupid? I'm just so confused about everything right now. What are some thoughts from others who may have went through similar situations?
geegirl Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry but the fact that she cheated on you multiple times is not enough of a reason for you to completely cut her out of your life and move on? She's disrespected you time and time again and you've literally taught her that it is acceptable behavior by consistently accepting her back which in turn is a green light for her to do it over and over again. You can't completely detach from her and see her for what she is because you keep talking to her. Essentially, keeping your feelings on a burner. What closure are you looking for? The woman cheats. She has issues that needs to be dealt with and only she can do that. She has disrespected you time and time again. She treated you like a doormat. What are you hoping from her to help you move on? Closure comes from within in that you know you cannot allow yourself to be with someone who basically kicked **** in your face, is volatile and most of all unable to give you two valuable assets in building a strong and lasting relationship, trust and loyalty. If your brother was with a woman who cheated on him several times, and he was confused about taking her back, what would you tell him? And don't be biased. Edited September 15, 2011 by geegirl
Author bnuttz Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 I know you are right. I do need to cut all ties or I will always feel like this. Well she is getting the last of her stuff next month from me, so that will help, and I know that is why these thoughts have been popping up. It is hard after being with somebody for 8 years. The one thing that came out of this is I know I can't be a punching bag for another girl, and I haven't been in my relationships since. Its funny how emotions cloud judgement.
geegirl Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) I know you are right. I do need to cut all ties or I will always feel like this. Well she is getting the last of her stuff next month from me, so that will help, and I know that is why these thoughts have been popping up. It is hard after being with somebody for 8 years. The one thing that came out of this is I know I can't be a punching bag for another girl, and I haven't been in my relationships since. Its funny how emotions cloud judgement. I have a feeling you can't feel invested in your relationships because you're distracted by her. You have not emotionally detached from her completely, feeling indifference. You cannot fully give yourself to someone else nor can you gauge or appreciate the potential of the R or the person you are involved with because you are half in/half out. Plus, it's very unfair to the other person that you are with, if you cannot be present in the relationship 100%. The other person is open and ready for a complete relationship with full investment but that is not what she is getting. Yes, emotions will cloud your judgement. And until you give yourself space and time to gain mental clarity, you will always be stuck. Once your brain takes over and that comes with time, you will be able to see her for who she is and soon enough you will be emotionally free and healthy again to consider opening yourself up fully to new opportunities. Edited September 15, 2011 by geegirl
MIK1000 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I have a feeling you can't feel invested in your relationships because you're distracted by her. You have not emotionally detached from her completely, feeling indifference. You cannot fully give yourself to someone else nor can you gauge or appreciate the potential of the R or the person you are involved with because you are half in/half out. Plus, it's very unfair to the other person that you are with, if you cannot be present in the relationship 100%. The other person is open and ready for a complete relationship with full investment but that is not what she is getting. Yes, emotions will cloud your judgement. And until you give yourself space and time to gain mental clarity, you will always be stuck. Once your brain takes over and that comes with time, you will be able to see her for who she is and soon enough you will be emotionally free and healthy again to consider opening yourself up fully to new opportunities. Get out while you are still young. Don't waste anymore years of your life with such a rolling stone. She's no good and you know that yourself. Get out there and find someone who treats you the way you deserve.
danceallday Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) BN - You have done everything you can. The constant cheating does not have so much to do with you, it is that individual's problem with self esteem and narcissism. You need to go into complete nc because her toxicity has broken you down and broken your barriers down. NC is the only way you are going to regain your self esteem and clear your head. Do not call, text, email or return any contact from her. If you have any of her items fold them up neatly and mail them to her. Block her on fb and post on this site often. I find this website useful: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-no-contact-rule-rose/ I was in a long term relationship with someone who had not dealt with their issues and did not know what they wanted or who they were. I went down in flames with them. Time to step back and focus on you. What do you want? What do you need? What can you do to heal and maker yourself happy? It is a sad thing that is happening to you and I am truly sorry. I really wish you the best of luck. Edited September 16, 2011 by danceallday
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