zak_neutron Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Hi I'm recently separated from my wife of 20 years. It was an acrimonious split and one of the key elements to marriage failure was my wife was unable to show affection. I don't just mean sex, I mean basic warmth, love and concern. I am now living alone and feel ambiguous about the dating side of things. Firstly, I feel very unsure of how to do this. I get on with lots of people and my job brings me into contact with lots of people. But this is always in a work/professional sense. I probably show confidence - but when it comes to interpersonal talking - feel I might come across clumsily Secondly, I feel uneasy about future relationships - "once bitten, twice shy" - but I also feel I do have a lot of love to give and would like to receive. Dating websites - I think I would feel awkward. Not sure. Many Thanks
brokendreamz Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Hey Zak, I was in a similar position to yourself 8 months ago so I know exactly where you're coming from and this site will be a massive help to your new life. My first suggestion is not to think about dating just yet. I'm assuming this split is fairly recent?.. Focus on yourself, get fit if you aren't already, get a new wardrobe and spoil your self for a while - be selfish and get to know who you are again. Sometimes being in a relationship for that length of time can lead to one loosing their identity so focus on you for a bit. Once you are in a better place I would honestly recommend dating websites; it's not an exact science and don't worry if you don't have much luck to begin with - it's definitely a slowly slowly catchy monkey type deal unless you look like Brat Pitt! The first few dates are pretty awkward and it can be humiliating if you realise she's not in to you or vice versa but just look at these experiences as practice. It took me about 3 months to get my profile right and 5/6 dates with different girls for me to finally relax on these dates and go with the flow. Just have fun with it, don't put pressure on yourself to find the next Mrs X instantly and don't look too far ahead. I saw a great quote on one of these boards, it went something like this... ' The biggest mistake in life is to look too far into the future - the chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time. Good luck with your journey and keep posting. Peace!
Author zak_neutron Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Hey brokendreamz That sounds great advice. I have (re)started at the gym and I'm keen cyclist. I like the idea of spoiling myself The quote you give is spot on. I have a tendency to overly focus on "what if's" and that quote seems like a good antidote to that mindset. I would also agree - yes, I have lost a sense of personal identity. Yes, I have always had a work identity - but personal one maybe not - maybe a morphed/warped version of me trying to fix my marriage - who knows? Hope things are working for you now. All the best Zak
Recommended Posts