Where I am

[half_ofa_heart]

Today is his Birthday and their 20th anniversary; the main reason for our break-up. Well not the event but the consequence of the event – the romantic getaway for 2 L

 

It has been almost 4 weeks since I saw him last. Contact has been little to NONE (mostly none; a few IM’s and emails but only 2 phone calls). I spent the first 3 weeks in utter turmoil and devastation. Yesterday was the first day that I actually felt good; I finally got some sleep the night before and was finally able to eat more than just crackers. Today??? I’m not feeling as good as I was yesterday but am so much better than I have been so I’ll take it.

 

I am accepting the end of us and am trying not to beat myself up too much over my poor decisions. My last words to him were “please get some counseling.” I didn’t say it in a mean spirited way but in a concerned voice. I told him that if I meant anything to him that he should honor it by getting himself counseling to help him find his “happy place” and I meant it. I genuinely hope he at the very least fixes whatever is missing in his marriage. Without sounding like a martyr…it would somehow validate ending our relationship.

 

Resolved??? Is that where I am? I accept that “I” believed what we had was special. “I” believe that he feels his marriage is where he belongs therefore cannot be with me and there is nothing more I can do to change that so its time for me to move on. "I" believe that he loves/loved me the best he could but in the end, wasn’t enough for me. Does it hurt? ABSOLUTELY! Do I blame him? Not today but tomorrow is a different day. I wish the best for him.

[nonamefornow]

Oh Half - I can identify with what you're going through at the moment (except I'm struggling with wishing him the happiness at this point!).

 

I have lost approx 28lbs since this all began (now weigh about 100lbs, far too light) and am FORCING myself to eat to try and gain some weight. He's started counselling for addictions and I know he'll probably have a really happy M once he's beaten his demons but I'm still pissed that I got dragged into the mix when he was clearly so unstable.

 

I really hope you start feeling better soon - I haven't seen him in 3wks or so but he's still texting (albeit quite limited now). Dreading facing him in work in a few weeks

[wannabdone]

I am so sorry HOH. That story is heart wrenching. I can relate. You are both doing what is best for the both of you. He is obviously torn, and you love him enough to let him go so he does not have the turmoil. And you can not longer sit around and be hurt by this, you deserve to have happiness, so he has let you go so you can find that.

 

My heart hurts for you. Hang in there doll. You will find peace and happiness.

 

((((hugs)))))

[half_ofa_heart]

Oh Half - I can identify with what you're going through at the moment (except I'm struggling with wishing him the happiness at this point!).

 

I have lost approx 28lbs since this all began (now weigh about 100lbs, far too light) and am FORCING myself to eat to try and gain some weight. He's started counselling for addictions and I know he'll probably have a really happy M once he's beaten his demons but I'm still pissed that I got dragged into the mix when he was clearly so unstable.

 

I really hope you start feeling better soon - I haven't seen him in 3wks or so but he's still texting (albeit quite limited now). Dreading facing him in work in a few weeks

 

I think you will in time. I believe when we truly care about someone, we wish them no harm. If we loved them, then I believe that wishing them happiness brings happiness to us.

 

My xMM is very confused as well he should be. He has muddied up his waters and now needs to filter them just to see straight.

 

Your MM (or xMM) has his own demons he needs to battle. My ex H was an alcoholic and it finally killed our marriage and almost him. Right now its hard for you to imagine but you are truly blessed to NOT be a part of that (directly); it is awful to watch someone you care about go thru that kind of inner turmoil knowing there isn't a darn thing you can do to help or fix it.

 

At the end of the day, we need to focus on the things we DO have control over (US) and focus less on the things we don't (THEM).

 

Hang in there - you too will get to a good place.

[nonamefornow]

I think you will in time. I believe when we truly care about someone, we wish them no harm. If we loved them, then I believe that wishing them happiness brings happiness to us.

 

My xMM is very confused as well he should be. He has muddied up his waters and now needs to filter them just to see straight.

 

Your MM (or xMM) has his own demons he needs to battle. My ex H was an alcoholic and it finally killed our marriage and almost him. Right now its hard for you to imagine but you are truly blessed to NOT be a part of that (directly); it is awful to watch someone you care about go thru that kind of inner turmoil knowing there isn't a darn thing you can do to help or fix it.

 

At the end of the day, we need to focus on the things we DO have control over (US) and focus less on the things we don't (THEM).

 

Hang in there - you too will get to a good place.

 

Thanks HOH

 

Haven't got the hang of the 'quoting' yet - took me minutes to find out how to bold! And I consider myself to be computer literate.....ah well!! I will try and keep the bolded in mind - just sent him 3 angry texts - if I do get a reply, I will try my best to ignore and concentrate on MY feelings. I know I've had a lucky escape in a way, just hard to let go of the concentrated feelings I have for him - never felt so strongly or put up with so much nonsense from anyone EVER before!! Think I'm losing my sense of self here...why him?

[nonamefornow]

Oh the quoting actually worked.....maybe I am computer literate after all!!

[half_ofa_heart]

Thanks HOH

 

Haven't got the hang of the 'quoting' yet - took me minutes to find out how to bold! And I consider myself to be computer literate.....ah well!! I will try and keep the bolded in mind - just sent him 3 angry texts - if I do get a reply, I will try my best to ignore and concentrate on MY feelings. I know I've had a lucky escape in a way, just hard to let go of the concentrated feelings I have for him - never felt so strongly or put up with so much nonsense from anyone EVER before!! Think I'm losing my sense of self here...why him?

 

No one can answer that but you and you will be able to in good time.

 

i know its hard but you really should try to exercise no contact. Contact of any kind is a reaction that in the end will make you feel even worse about yourself. It serves no productive purpose.

 

You can't fix him or your relationship with him. Once you realize that and accept it, you will feel such a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

 

Good Luck

[fooled once]

. I believe when we truly care about someone, we wish them no harm. If we loved them, then I believe that wishing them happiness brings happiness to us.

.

 

I want to say that if you get to a place where you do NOT care about it; it doesn't mean you didn't at one time care.

 

Example: If he (or any MM) really cared about the affair partner, then they never would have wanted them to be in a place of hurt, secrecy and sadness. If they cared, they would have done whatever they could to be with their affair partner. They would not have put them in the position of being a secret mistress.

 

At one time I loved my ex husband. Now I am indifferent bordering on disgust; but that doesn't mean at one time I didn't love him. With the MM I was with; again, at one time I loved him and now I don't wish him ill will or happiness - I have no feelings whatsoever for him.

 

I don't believe you have to want happiness for someone who hurt us. I don't believe that to not be happy for them equates to not caring for them.

 

Indifference is a good emotion IMHO. I won't cry the day my ex dies; but I also won't dance. I will just remember at one time he was important to me; but he nor our feelings back then defined us.

 

If you were to find out he has trashed you to anyone who will listen, will you still wish him well? If you were to find out he has done hurtful things to you, will you still wish him well?

 

Moving on and putting the past to rest IMHO helps us move forward. Getting to the point of not caring if they get counseling, are happy in their marriage or whatever doesn't mean you didn't care. Will you wish him well when he has another affair and leaves his wife eventually for her? I hope all former OW can get to a place where what HE does doesn't affect them.

[MissBee]

I want to say that if you get to a place where you do NOT care about it; it doesn't mean you didn't at one time care.

 

Example: If he (or any MM) really cared about the affair partner, then they never would have wanted them to be in a place of hurt, secrecy and sadness. If they cared, they would have done whatever they could to be with their affair partner. They would not have put them in the position of being a secret mistress.

 

At one time I loved my ex husband. Now I am indifferent bordering on disgust; but that doesn't mean at one time I didn't love him. With the MM I was with; again, at one time I loved him and now I don't wish him ill will or happiness - I have no feelings whatsoever for him.

 

I don't believe you have to want happiness for someone who hurt us. I don't believe that to not be happy for them equates to not caring for them.

 

Indifference is a good emotion IMHO. I won't cry the day my ex dies; but I also won't dance. I will just remember at one time he was important to me; but he nor our feelings back then defined us.

 

If you were to find out he has trashed you to anyone who will listen, will you still wish him well? If you were to find out he has done hurtful things to you, will you still wish him well?

 

Moving on and putting the past to rest IMHO helps us move forward. Getting to the point of not caring if they get counseling, are happy in their marriage or whatever doesn't mean you didn't care. Will you wish him well when he has another affair and leaves his wife eventually for her? I hope all former OW can get to a place where what HE does doesn't affect them.

 

Great post!

 

I also went through a phase in getting over my ex where I convinced myself I wished him well....but I really didn't...as I only wished him well in so far as it seemed like he was "learning his lesson" and felt regret about me. I only wished him well in that I felt somehow more noble by doing so....it was all very weird.

 

Today, I do wish him well, as I do any other human being. I harbor no ill will for anyone and hope he has a good life as I would hope for myself and everyone else. But I am not invested in his life or progress and if it were in shambles or glorious, it makes no difference to me.

 

Like other exes gone by....I harbor no ill will and if some life tragedy befell them, I would feel sad for them, like I would anyone else but on a day to day basis I am not emotionally invested or concerned about their happiness or unhappiness anymore. That's indifference.

[pureinheart]

Today is his Birthday and their 20th anniversary; the main reason for our break-up. Well not the event but the consequence of the event – the romantic getaway for 2 L

 

It has been almost 4 weeks since I saw him last. Contact has been little to NONE (mostly none; a few IM’s and emails but only 2 phone calls). I spent the first 3 weeks in utter turmoil and devastation. Yesterday was the first day that I actually felt good; I finally got some sleep the night before and was finally able to eat more than just crackers. Today??? I’m not feeling as good as I was yesterday but am so much better than I have been so I’ll take it.

 

I am accepting the end of us and am trying not to beat myself up too much over my poor decisions. My last words to him were “please get some counseling.” I didn’t say it in a mean spirited way but in a concerned voice. I told him that if I meant anything to him that he should honor it by getting himself counseling to help him find his “happy place” and I meant it. I genuinely hope he at the very least fixes whatever is missing in his marriage. Without sounding like a martyr…it would somehow validate ending our relationship.

 

Resolved??? Is that where I am? I accept that “I” believed what we had was special. “I” believe that he feels his marriage is where he belongs therefore cannot be with me and there is nothing more I can do to change that so its time for me to move on. "I" believe that he loves/loved me the best he could but in the end, wasn’t enough for me. Does it hurt? ABSOLUTELY! Do I blame him? Not today but tomorrow is a different day. I wish the best for him.

 

Hey Half ofa Heart!

 

You sound like you are doing ok. Yes tomorrow you might feel another way, and the next another way...BTDT. This is where I was at at one point, no real time to hate, I just wanted him to be happy and move on with my life and heal.

 

Your on the right track....((((((hugs)))))

[half_ofa_heart]

Thank you to EVERYONE for your responses!!! It's been a rough ride to say the least but coming here has helped more than mere words can describe.

 

To say that I am indifferent couldn't be further from the truth. I still love and care for him deeply hence the well wishes for him. I know what you all are saying about previous relationships and how you don't wish them harm but that you don't really even think about them. I know I too will arrive there someday but for now... I accept that I still love him and that we cannot be together. With that being said, I like to think that - for my own sake - that it wasn't for nothing. That if we can't be together that at least he's happy. I know that I will be happy someday as well!!! But to think that we threw this away and both of us are miserable... that is just sad to me and I don't want to think about that.

 

It may be wishful thinking but it works for me right now. I wanna be happy and would want that for anyone that I have cared about in the past. It helps me heal.

 

Thanks again... I'm still just taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

[Emme]

:bunny:HUG:bunny: Birthday's are the hardest! I love your attitude. You are stronger with every day. Pain is pain, but not to let that keep you down is what's important. I hope the rest of the day keeps you in that same positive mind frame.