waynesworld Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 The girl I've been seeing has put on some weight. Her eating habits have gotten worse and she isn't as active lately. It seems to be getting worse, and my physical attraction to her is waning. I don't expect a bikini model's body, but health and fitness is an important part of my life. How do I tactfully bring this up? I've suggested that we work out together to both get in better shape, but she begs off because she doesn't like going to the gym or playing sports.
stillafool Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Was she plump when you first started dating her?
Author waynesworld Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Was she plump when you first started dating her? No, she was in decent shape. She's let herself go though, that's the problem.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 How old is she, how long have you been going out, and how many long-term relationships was she in before you?
grkBoy Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 How do I tactfully bring this up? I've suggested that we work out together to both get in better shape, but she begs off because she doesn't like going to the gym or playing sports. I'd probably tell her the truth in a polite way. Like invite her again to work out or do something active. When she refuses, then just tell her you need to talk. Simply tell her what you said here. You don't like that she's gaining weight and plumping up. Make it clear you're not looking at her to become some Victoria's Secret model, but the bigger she gets the less she is the woman you fell for. Sometimes people have to hear the hard truth.
Author waynesworld Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 How old is she, how long have you been going out, and how many long-term relationships was she in before you? She's 28. We started out just dating casually 4 or 5 months ago, but it's gotten more serious. She was actually the first to bring up the weight gain and she thought she might have been pregnant, but that turned out not to be the case. I've just noticed that her eating habits have slowly gotten worse, and her not being active is compounding the problem.
Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 She's 28. We started out just dating casually 4 or 5 months ago, but it's gotten more serious. She was actually the first to bring up the weight gain and she thought she might have been pregnant, but that turned out not to be the case. I've just noticed that her eating habits have slowly gotten worse, and her not being active is compounding the problem. I don't see a little bit of weight gain as a huge issue. But men tend to be a little more superficial, IMO. Something like that wouldn't bother me. Do you like her for who she is or what she looks like?
AHardDaysNight Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 It's harder for women to lose weight as they get older. I'd say the age is an issue.
stillafool Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I'd probably tell her the truth in a polite way. Like invite her again to work out or do something active. When she refuses, then just tell her you need to talk. Simply tell her what you said here. You don't like that she's gaining weight and plumping up. Make it clear you're not looking at her to become some Victoria's Secret model, but the bigger she gets the less she is the woman you fell for. Sometimes people have to hear the hard truth. It's true. You should mention it to her because if she continues to plump up you aren't going to be happy. One can't help what they are attracted to and if extra weight turns you off, I can understand it especially when she wasn't that size when you started dating. I could understand if she were pregnant or had a health problem.
casuallyconfused Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Do you live with her? If so you cook dinner so its healthy and maybe go for a walk and encourage her to join. Buy healthy snacks for the house. Weight is a touchy subject with women. My husband never brought my weight up even when i got heavier. I wanted to lose weight. She has to want to lose weight or get in shape. You cant make her.
Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Do you live with her? If so you cook dinner so its healthy and maybe go for a walk and encourage her to join. Buy healthy snacks for the house. Weight is a touchy subject with women. My husband never brought my weight up even when i got heavier. I wanted to lose weight. She has to want to lose weight or get in shape. You cant make her. Totally agree
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 It's harder for women to lose weight as they get older. I'd say the age is an issue. Bull****. People get lazier and tend to eat more as they get older...if you want to blame that on age, feel free, but the exact same thing can happen to anyone at any age.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 She's 28. We started out just dating casually 4 or 5 months ago, but it's gotten more serious. She was actually the first to bring up the weight gain and she thought she might have been pregnant, but that turned out not to be the case. I've just noticed that her eating habits have slowly gotten worse, and her not being active is compounding the problem. Has she been in long-term relationships before? If so, did she gain weight in her previous relationships? When a partner begins to gain weight yet were thin entering the relationship, they're taking the relationship for granted. It's useful to know if they have a history of the same behavior.
Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Bull****. People get lazier and tend to eat more as they get older...if you want to blame that on age, feel free, but the exact same thing can happen to anyone at any age. Its actually very true that for women it is harder to lose weight as we age.
Author waynesworld Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Do you live with her? If so you cook dinner so its healthy and maybe go for a walk and encourage her to join. Buy healthy snacks for the house. Weight is a touchy subject with women. My husband never brought my weight up even when i got heavier. I wanted to lose weight. She has to want to lose weight or get in shape. You cant make her. No, we don't live together, but I like your idea. We could cook, eat out and even do groceries together. I know weight is a sensitive subject, but as some of the other posters have pointed out, I have to say something and being direct may be the best approach.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Its actually very true that for women it is harder to lose weight as we age. I repeat--bull****. People just give up more easily as they age because they get comfortable, which is what makes it harder.
Author waynesworld Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Has she been in long-term relationships before? If so, did she gain weight in her previous relationships? When a partner begins to gain weight yet were thin entering the relationship, they're taking the relationship for granted. It's useful to know if they have a history of the same behavior. Hmm, this is interesting. She's been in several long-term relationships before, but I don't know the details, so I can't say if this is a pattern for her.
tman666 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 There's really no good way to bring it up without hurting her feelings. She'll have to start making some lifestyle changes if she's going to lose weight. You can be supportive and encourage these good habits, but you can't force them on her. She'll have to come to the conclusion herself that losing weight and leading a more active lifestyle are important to her. You can't help your waning attraction for her. You can't just flip a switch and suddenly be turned on by fat girls. Basically, at this point, I would gently try to include her in your own healthy lifestyle. If she will have none of it, you might want to present her with "your problem". "Hey sweetie, there's something I need to talk to you about. I've been having a problem for a little while, and I need to tell you about it. I'm having a much more difficult time lately getting excited about sex and physical intimacy with you at your current weight. I wish I could just magically snap out of it, and I've been trying, but it's something that I can't seem to get over. I think that we, together, should form a lifestyle partnership that is more focused on healthy eating habits and being active. I really want to be with you and only you, and I care about you deeply, but I miss the physical intimacy that we used to have." When you drop the bomb on her, she'll probably be hurt for a while. It's not a fun thing to hear that your partner doesn't find you attractive. However, hopefully she'll come around and realize that in order to keep the relationship alive, she's going to have to make an effort. My brother's ex girlfriend gained a bunch of weight in the last couple of years of their relationship until he was at a point that he didn't find her attractive at all. He would do his best to bring it up, but she would lose her **** every time he suggested that she make the slightest effort to change, not only for the relationship, but for her own self confidence. Lo and behold, he eventually got tired of it and dumped her azz. I think it'll be very telling of her character as to how she responds to this. I would personally avoid someone with such a sense of entitlement that they wouldn't entertain a reasonable request from their partner to try and look better (I say reasonable, because as you already mentioned, you can't suddenly expect someone to look like some bikini model in two months or it's over. Doesn't work like that). Ultimately, you have to look at your needs and desires and draw a line in the sand. You might love her, care about her a lot, and be in love with her personality, but you have to decide for yourself whether that stuff outweighs your desire to have a relationship with a healthy sex life. I feel for both of you. Good luck.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 The girl I've been seeing has put on some weight. Her eating habits have gotten worse and she isn't as active lately. It seems to be getting worse, and my physical attraction to her is waning. I don't expect a bikini model's body, but health and fitness is an important part of my life. How do I tactfully bring this up? I've suggested that we work out together to both get in better shape, but she begs off because she doesn't like going to the gym or playing sports. Keep in mind that she might have kept in shape just to land a man, then she thought she could go back to eating crap once thought you werent going anywhere. So be prepared for her not wanting to eat wthe healthy food you make, or eating crap while she isnt around you. She also listened to her friends about the myth that love is unconditional, no matter how much she weights. But you'll have to explain to her that attraction is conditional, attraction and love are 2 different things altogether. Since you like to keep healthy and fit, fitness is very important to you, and its too hard for you to watch her doing this to herself. If she still doesnt want to work on it after you talk to her, you will have to bail. Youve only been dating 5 months, and shes already letting herself go, so you will have to pry as to why she feels its ok to do that. This doesnt look good for the future, post birth weight, all that. If she doesnt want to go to the gym, she doesnt want to keep fit, this is the way she might be for life.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Hmm, this is interesting. She's been in several long-term relationships before, but I don't know the details, so I can't say if this is a pattern for her. Ask her about her weight in the past relationships, but don't do much more than that. Do it at a time when it can be relevant to the topic at hand that is subtle and doesn't make you sound like a dick by asking it out of the blue. I GUARANTEE you she'll know why you're asking and the question itself will has a decent chance of making her realize on her own she's taking you for granted. How she reacts from there is yet another indicator as to whether she cares about her weight or not. You've GOT to communicate that you're not attracted to overweight women though. Have you done that before? I always make sure I do that up front, and so far, it has worked every time. I was in a 15-year relationship where the girl remained quite thin and she repeatedly said she made an effort to stay that way because she knew I wasn't attracted to overweight and obese women.
Cypress25 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Bull****. People get lazier and tend to eat more as they get older...if you want to blame that on age, feel free, but the exact same thing can happen to anyone at any age. Actually, it's harder for everyone to lose weight as they get older, men and women. Your metabolism slows down as you age. It happens to women earlier than men because of menopause. The effects are also more obvious in women, even before menopause, because they start to lose bone mass and lean muscle in their 30's. That doesn't happen to men until their late 40's. You've GOT to communicate that you're not attracted to overweight women though. I think that's a given. Women aren't stupid, they know that being overweight will make them less attractive to men. If she's gaining weight, she's not doing it on purpose. I'm sure she's already aware of the weight gain and she already feels bad about it. She doesn't need to be told. She'll have to start making some lifestyle changes if she's going to lose weight. You can be supportive and encourage these good habits, but you can't force them on her. She'll have to come to the conclusion herself that losing weight and leading a more active lifestyle are important to her. +1. Don't expect her to do it for you. If she's going to lose weight, she'll have to do it for herself, because she wants to, not because her boyfriend is threatening to dump her if she stays at her current weight. You're not really concerned about her health, you just want her body to look a certain way, and I'm sure she knows that.
eerie_reverie Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 How much weight are we talking about? You've only been dating 4-5 months... how much plumper could she have gotten? If it's a matter of a couple of pounds (<10), and she's aware of it, I think it's on you to stop being so shallow. IMO, weight fluctuates... maybe she's having a fat moment. I would hate to be with someone who expected me to be at my best all the time. If we're talking a considerable amount of weight, I think a serious conversation is in order... but don't make it about sex, IMO, women are very sensitive about that, and that might ruin sex with you for her for a while. Instead, make a pact to get healthier together. Then, set a good example.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Actually, it's harder for everyone to lose weight as they get older, men and women. Your metabolism slows down as you age. It happens to women earlier than men because of menopause. The effects are also more obvious in women, even before menopause, because they start to lose bone mass and lean muscle in their 30's. That doesn't happen to men until their late 40's. This is incredibly out of context in this thread--this 28-year old woman is not getting overweight because of her age, she's getting overweight because she eats like **** and she doesn't exercise. Everyone reading this knows that, or they're in denial. Period. For that matter, an otherwise-healthy 60-year old is overweight because of their life choices as well. Clearly. Attach a scientifically-measured weight to exactly how age relates to weight gain, or stop using it as a crutch. To simply say "it's harder to lose weight as you get older" is something people end up using purely as an excuse to let themselves go. I think that's a given. Women aren't stupid, they know that being overweight will make them less attractive to men. If she's gaining weight, she's not doing it on purpose. I'm sure she's already aware of the weight gain and she already feels bad about it. She doesn't need to be told. Of course it isn't a given--MANY women think that men who aren't attracted to overweight men are shallow, it's posted all over this forum constantly. She may believe her beau is non-shallow and feels free to gain weight if he doesn't explain he's not attracted to larger women.
Cypress25 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 To simply say "it's harder to lose weight as you get older" is something people end up using purely as an excuse to let themselves go. No, it's scientific fact and it's been documented for years. The effects of aging on the metabolism are well-known. As you get older, you'll have to eat less and exercise more just to keep from gaining weight. If you eat the same way in your 40's as you did in your 20's, you'll gain weight. This is especially true for women when they hit menopause. The human body changes as it ages, everyone knows that. I can't wait until you're 45 and you start developing a gut because you think you still have a 25-year-old metabolism. You won't be able to eat this way forever. If you look at the standard BMI charts for men and women, you'll see that there are actually 2 charts for each, divided by age: http://www.csgnetwork.com/bmicalc.html. There's one BMI chart for women age 18-34, and a separate BMI chart for women age 35+. That's because women over 35 are supposed to weigh a little more than younger women. It's normal and expected. Here's another one that shows healthy weights for women based on age: http://commonsensehealth.com/Womens-Health/Healthy_Weight_Height_Chart_for_Women.shtml Same goes for body fat percentage. Men and women are supposed to have a little more body fat when they're older. You can see the tables here: http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/library/blbodyfatcharts.htm. This is part of the natural aging process, whether you like it or not. She may believe her beau is non-shallow and feels free to gain weight if he doesn't explain he's not attracted to larger women. I hate to tell you this, but women don't base all of their decisions on whether or not men find them attractive. Women don't want to get fat, for any reason. Even if they thought their boyfriend wouldn't mind, they still wouldn't "feel free to gain weight" because it would make them feel worse, physically and emotionally. If my boyfriend said to me, "I don't care if you get fat, I'll love you regardless," I still wouldn't want to get fat. Not because I'd worry about losing him, but because I care how I look and feel. I have my own feelings, I don't just mirror my boyfriend's feelings.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) It's harder for women to lose weight as they get older. I'd say the age is an issue. It is harder for everyone to lose weight as the yget older. But she is 28, not 48. Further, women tend to have more fat then men to begin with, and not just in the "right places" as some men would describe. Women have more fat in general to keep the baby warm. Lastly, I agree with most of Cypresses comments. Women don't get purposely fat to spite their male partners. I also think her weight gain is less about her health to you and more about your level of attraction and what you feel you deserve. I heard someone say that men get into relationships hoping that their partner will never change and women get into relationships hoping their partner will change. And both are horribly selfish. You either accept someone for who they are or you don't. A woman trying to change man's habits isn't any more accepting of who he is then a man expecting his partner to never change. Once we get over the age 25 it's time to see people then on a different level then "hot" or "not". OP, life is going to offer you a lot more changes and challenges then just a partner whose weight changes. Her inability to remain the same exact weight when you met her might not make her a good partner for you and your inability to be an accepting partner toward her might not make you the best partner for her. It's your choice. That's all you really have control over anyway. Edited September 16, 2011 by Disenchantedly Yours
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