stillhurt Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 As I have been posting in the last few days, my ex suggested we meet up. I somehow thought that I could handle it. We haven't seen each other in months and he has a girlfriend. After I said yes, he actually tried to back out because he was afraid that our attraction would be too strong. I told him that it would be fine and I thought we were strong enough. We met up for drinks and I started to tell him that although I am getting my balance back I needed him to know how much he hurt me. That I thought he was a jerk for the way he ended our relationship. I told him how at one point I was depressed and felt suicidal. The reason behind this was not to make him feel bad. It was more like I need closure. He jumped into a relationship 4 weeks after we broke up. In those 4 weeks we were still talking about the possibility of getting back together. We would flirt and chat on the phone almost everyday. So, I hope you guys can see why I was so hurt. He gave me the impression that we were going to reunite. He was also my first relationship ever. If you read my past posts many of you will see that I had been struggling with this pain and betrayal for the last 7 months. I felt like so many things were left unsaid because I wanted to appear strong in the aftermath of our breakup. I did NC the first 2 months and we ended up in bed when we reconnected. I felt so bad that I went NC again, and it freaking happens again! The 1st time it happened, I actually thought that we had a chance, because of all the words he used to get me to sleep with him. Like the "girl was nothing to him, that she was just filling a void. That there was still something between us." So, I waited around for him to come back. But, of course he never did. In fact, he sent me an email saying that the guilt was all his but he wasn't going to end his relationship and that he hoped that he can get over me. I felt used and betrayed. This set me back big time. I fell into an abyss of depression, pain, and regret. Again, he was my first boyfriend and I am in my 30's. This time, he didn't even say any of that. He said that he doesn't want to end his current relationship, but he still wants me for sex only. Honestly, I knew that sleeping with him was not going to get him back. I was just weak and gave in. But, the second it happened, I broke down. I realized that I had made a hurtful mistake towards his gf and started crying. It freaked him out. I had never intended for it to get so far. We were just fooling around. It was in that moment that all hope for us died for me. I actually felt the pain, because I knew that the act ended everything between him and I. There was nothing good left. It's been replaced by ugliness. Every hope and dream died for me in that second. Although I feel horrible about the girl, I now see him clearly for who he is and how he is not what I want. I had to see that he could cheat on his current gf with no real care to anyone's feelings, but his own. For me, there were still strong feelings tied into my actions, but for him it was purely sex. I now see that he will continue to lie to her and keep this secret from her to keep himself safe. I had told him that I was not going to be ok if we slept together again, but he had persisted. I am not innocent in all this. I take full responsibility. But,TBH, in a lot of ways I am almost glad it happened because I see clearly now. I wish I could've reached this point without the act happening, but it's too late now. I told him that he has to tell me straight to my face what the deal was. No more stringing me along, no more crumbs. And, he told me. He said he doesn't know where we will end up, but he does not want to get back to what we had. Not in the near future. There was no crumbs in that. I didn't want one freaking crumb to keep me dangling. I feel like a total a-hole. I feel sick and actually slapped myself a few times last night because I was so disgusted with my actions. I let myself down. I let my principles go, and have no self-respect right now. All for someone who was not worth even an oz of my love. I thought I had values, but now I just feel like a worthless piece of crap because I gave in to someone who was essentially using me for his own pleasure and this time told me so! He is not who I thought he was. I thought he was loyal, and honorable. Please don't hate me. How am I ever going to forgive myself?
geegirl Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 You live and learn. It was the kick in the ass that you needed to wake you up. You forgive yourself by realizing that you are human and that you love this man. You were overcome by your feelings and your hope for him and you made an error in your judgement at the heat of the moment. Move on and don't look back. If you really respect and feel bad about your part in all this towards the girlfriend, don't ever entertain him again. She doesn't have a prize and neither did you.
Besmy Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Hey stillhurt, we are not here to judge each other but to help each other. I can actually understand how you ended up having sx with your ex, first I guess because he's hot, and second because you maybe thought that by having that level of intimacy he would reconnect to you. Who can blame you? (At least I hope the sx was good....) Yes he's having a rebound relationship. I am surprised that he wants to have sx with you just for the sake of that, I mean, is his new gf of his soooo very bad in bed? Is she not giving him what he needs that you are instead perfectly able to give him? If yes, why waste any more time with her? To hold hands? Wouldn't it be more practical for him to go with another one all together instead of going through the hassle of going with you? So that doesn't make that much sense to me but we should ask our male friends here on this forum, maybe they would understand more this behaviour. Now, what to do next - it depends. You can continue meeting him and having sx with him as I understand he has suggested, knowing that it's not love or not the type of love that you wish, or you go NC and really try to move on once and for all. As for his rebound gf, she will get hurt anyway because, unfortunately, being a quick rebound, he's not in love with her as demonstrated by the fact that he meets up with you and has sx with you. Their relationship I fear is doomed to fail not because of you but because of him. Anyway, try to be selfish and think about yourself rather than her. Don't feel guilty for meeting up with him or having (hopefully good) sx with him because it's human. A big hug.
Author stillhurt Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 I just wish I can erase it all. He feels really bad about what happened and is also regretting it. He said that he hates that he hurt me so much and feels bad about the gf. I just wish we both had controlled ourselves. I am the real culprit because he told me that it's just sex. That should've been enough for me to get out!
Besmy Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 What he says is nonsense, I don't believe for a sec that he regrets having fun with her, you and who knows who else. He plays the victim but I have no sympathy for him what so ever. He comes across as a player. you say: I just wish we both had controlled ourselves. Well, if there are still feelings and attraction it's difficult to control them, no? Stop feeling guilty.
Author stillhurt Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Besmy, That is a big problem. We had a great sex life and we both miss it. ( More so me than him since he has someone) The attraction between us was really strong and we used to talk about how great the sex was when we were together. But, I don't want just sex from anyone I am seeing. I wish it were that simple. If he wasn't with anyone right now, the harm would be only on us. But, he likes this girl and says that she's a good girl. (like i am now bad) I don't think she is really a rebound. They have been together for 6months. I don't want to be a part of that which is why I kept NC. GeeGirl is right. He has proven that he's not good for anyone now. I have to be the one to do the right thing and stop committing these mistakes. He told me last night that I was the only person he has cheated with. That he has made out with others while in a relationship, but never sex. That made me feel 100x worse. I was the only a-hole in all his relationships weak enough? He said that he thinks it's because he still wants me even to this day, but since he knows that he can't offer more than that, there is no way we can continue. I think he just likes it now cause he knows he's doing something bad. No matter what, I have to stay away!
Author stillhurt Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 The feeling of being used is horrible. I can feel my mood going straight down. Thank you for the hug Besmy.
geegirl Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I just wish I can erase it all. He feels really bad about what happened and is also regretting it. He said that he hates that he hurt me so much and feels bad about the gf. I just wish we both had controlled ourselves. I am the real culprit because he told me that it's just sex. That should've been enough for me to get out! He has been playing the two of you for awhile now so he was planning all this to work in his favor. He is only telling you he feels bad because 1) your reaction 2) wants to portray to be the good guy. How can he have any remorse when he can tell you blatantly that he wants his relationship but just wants sex from you. Stillhurt, stop beating yourself. You were given a valuable lesson. Embrace it and move on. Chances are, if he didn't get to cheat with you, he would have done it with someone else. Doesn't make what you did right, but you did it because of the situation that you were in. Don't for one second believe he was/is remorseful. He's showing you what he needs to show you. At the end of the day, he always needs to look like the good guy. That is all it is. He openly cheats and you believe he has a moral compass to be regretful that he hurt you and her. If he had that within his fiber, none of this would have happened.
Author stillhurt Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Well, That is the reason our relationship is over, because we both know it's not gonna last if it's just sex. I know that if he's the right guy, he wouldn't put me through any of this. I don't know why I love him so much. It makes no sense to anyone looking in. Geegirl, I will try to make myself proud from this moment on. I have a lot to learn and make up for at this point. I will go back to NC starting today. I want to be better and stronger. Wish me luck.
geegirl Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Well, That is the reason our relationship is over, because we both know it's not gonna last if it's just sex. I know that if he's the right guy, he wouldn't put me through any of this. I don't know why I love him so much. It makes no sense to anyone looking in. Geegirl, I will try to make myself proud from this moment on. I have a lot to learn and make up for at this point. I will go back to NC starting today. I want to be better and stronger. Wish me luck. It makes sense for those looking in Still. We just have clarity about his intentions. Mostly because we've been with assclowns too and went through the same thing you did. You're in love, blinded. It's normal. Don't beat yourself up about that as well. You're going to be fine! You were given what you needed and one day you will look back and be thankful for the lesson even if it was painful. From pain comes growth. Stay NC because you have to by now at least see him for what he is. Hopeful but I know you see. It will all be clear as you detach. Good luck! Come here when you feel weak. Because he will bother you again. Stay on the path. Choose: Barrel through temporary pain and feel good at the end or broken, hurt and confused indefinitely? Your choice. You can do it. I know you can. You've done it before.
Author stillhurt Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 I actually don't think he will contact again. I have been the one reaching out this last round of crap. So, it's gonna be my job to stay NC and if he stays NC it will make it much easier for me.
Author stillhurt Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Thank you, and let's hope in a few months I will be on here to advise those who need it, instead of asking for help.
Mack05 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) Stillhurt, I see that home"ihavenevermadeamistakeandwilljudgeyoufrommyhighthrone" brew has kicked you when you are down. Just when you least needed it, right? Apparently he is loved on this forum. I guess I am in the minority, who think this guy is a judgemental, egotistical clown. But hey what do I know right? I'm sure his right hand man Wilsonx will tell LS, why I am wrong and his 'mentor' is perfect. Yawn... Listen, I am sure both guys (homebrew/wilsonx) can go through my threads with a fine toothcomb and try to easily embrass me, but here is the thing. They can't (see why below)..Stillhurt no matter how many mistakes you have made in your life, I promise you that I have made more. No one has the right to come to your thread and judge you or cast dispersions about you. Sometimes, we have to learn the harshest lessons in life (even after we ignore all the good advice and common sense we receive). It's what we do with these harsh life lessons that count..When your self esteem is high, you won't make the same mistake u just made. You wont care what judgemental people like homebrew or anyone else think about you. You will just rise above it and show your true class. I have long recovered from my own broken heart. I still post here though, because I don't want good people to suffer like I did. Stillhurt, I'm sure 6 months from now that mistake u just made, will help save at least one person from so much unnecessary heartbreak. Chin up, you have lost the battle, but you will win the war.... Edited September 16, 2011 by Mack05
wilsonx Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) Stillhurt, I see that home"ihavenevermadeamistakeandwilljudgeyoufrommyhighthrone" brew has kicked you when you are down. Just when you least needed it, right? Apparently he is loved on this forum. I guess I am in the minority, who think this guy is a judgemental, egotistical clown. But hey what do I know right? I'm sure his right hand man Wilsonx will tell LS, why I am wrong and his 'mentor' is perfect. Yawn... Listen, I am sure both guys (homebrew/wilsonx) can go through my threads with a fine toothcomb and try to easily embrass me, but here is the thing. They can't (see why below)..Stillhurt no matter how many mistakes you have made in your life, I promise you that I have made more. No one has the right to come to your thread and judge you or cast dispersions about you. Sometimes, we have to learn the harshest lessons in life (even after we ignore all the good advice and common sense we receive). It's what we do with these harsh life lessons that count..When your self esteem is high, you won't make the same mistake u just made. You wont care what judgemental people like homebrew or anyone else think about you. You will just rise above it and show your true class. I have long recovered from my own broken heart. I still post here though, because I don't want good people to suffer like I did. Wow, what bashes! I have only bashed one of your threads, and that was the bashing of homebrew's personal boundaries. Its has nothing to do with mentor crap, you were telling someone that they could not do something based on their own experience. Homebrew in this case, you said that he was eliminating a good portion of the population. That's his right based on his experience just like you are saying now. That has been our only disagreement. I give credit where credit is due and your post on one of my thread was one of the best posts on LS I think and I tell people all the time this. I stay out of the rest of them because you are right and I have nothing to add. You arent the only one that has made mistakes bro, you and I probably have paved the way for the stupid highway but after doing so we learned ****, not doing that **** anymore, I still am making stupid mistakes as of yesterday, and I facepalm myself. Its part of life, you chase that clown until you are tired of him beating you up and then you go knock on another door.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278306/?highlight=clown Edited September 16, 2011 by wilsonx
Author stillhurt Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 I am sure Homebrew was just trying some tough love on me. I did feel really bad after reading your post, but I think that I got your message. My bf picker is not broken ok? This guy totally let me believe that we were going to make it. He never cheated on me when we were together (not that I know of, but obviously I am a fool.) We just had a very messy post breakup situation. And, his gf is the same age as me ok?! My problem is that I believed in love and overlooked the fact that it was an infatuation for him, while it was love for me. I did learn my lesson the hard way. It was my first relationship and now I know that while I was holding onto all this crap about love and how you're supposed to work through things, he has moved on. He took advantage of the fact that I still loved him and still wanted him. He should've just left me alone and same goes for me. I thought he was contacting me because he cared and he misses me, but this time I know he met me for only one thing. I grew up in a family with strong values and always thought I would maintain my self-respect and not hurt anyone. This is the worse thing I have ever done in my life. I have never hurt anyone or myself. But I really let myself down. I let him do this to me. He's an ass, but I should've been stronger and resisted. I tried to listen to recommendations and good advice I got from here, but I am weak when it comes to him. If I didn't meet up with him, none of this would've happened. The worse is that he is still trying to make it seem like he's a decent guy and that if we didn't tempt each other he wouldn't have made the mistake. NC is going to be tough for the next few weeks as I want to contact him to let him know that I finally see how he used me and is not the same person I fell in love with. It took me 7 months of pain and ugliness to get to this point. No matter what, either tough words from Homebrew or wise words from GeeGirl, they're truly appreciated.
geegirl Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 NC is going to be tough for the next few weeks as I want to contact him to let him know that I finally see how he used me and is not the same person I fell in love with. It took me 7 months of pain and ugliness to get to this point. No matter what, either tough words from Homebrew or wise words from GeeGirl, they're truly appreciated. There is no need to break NC to tell him something he already knows. If you believe by telling him you can vinidcate yourself from the negative view that you believe he has of you or to make him feel bad about his actions, it's pointless. People who do not have a moral compass nor a conscience, do not care what you think about them. Whatever you say will slide of his back. To him, it was just an opportunity. If he really cared about you and your well being, he would have had it within him to set you free. He didn't because all he was thinking about was himself. So, you can derail yourself again and break NC to tell him something that pretty much will not register or impact him, or you can keep moving on and rebuilding your life again while he remains being the douchebag he will always be.
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