ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Come to think of it, he has only apologized once or twice... ... and what events precipitated his apology? How did you respond before and after his apology? Not something you need to answer for all of us. Just some food for thought. It is possible that he really does believe that he doesn't need to change and that all of the 'problems' are with you. Not a fun existence and not promising if that really is the case. There is also the possibility that his prior apologies were a) not accepted b) lorded over him c) some other feeling that made him not feel safe being vulnerable in the future.
Kamille Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Why not? By this logic, instead of continually reminding him he needs to pick up after himself around the house, she should break up with him. It could be that whatever his issue with her is something she doesn't realize about herself that she'd be better off changing in future relationships and quite possibly with him. Why wouldn't she want to know those things? The point is the focus shouldn't be on "what she is doing wrong", the focus should be on how they can make their relationship better. I've found, from experience, that when the focus is on the relationship and not the "fatal flaws" of the partners, the little amendments are easy to negotiate. "I would like us to figure out how we can distribute tasks fairly for the sake of our relationship" is different than "you're a slob, could you pick up after yourself". Once leaves room for the negotiation, the other leads to being on the defensive. I mean, you are free to disagree, as is Allie. What I'm sharing is what has worked for me.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 The point is the focus shouldn't be on "what she is doing wrong", the focus should be on how they can make their relationship better. I've found, from experience, that when the focus is on the relationship and not the "fatal flaws" of the partners, the little amendments are easy to negotiate. "I would like us to figure out how we can distribute tasks fairly for the sake of our relationship" is different than "you're a slob, could you pick up after yourself". Once leaves room for the negotiation, the other leads to being on the defensive. . I agree with this, if he doesnt interpret this the wrong way. If she says: "I would like us to figure out how we can distribute tasks fairly for the sake of our relationship" He could think it translates to: "Let me tell you all the things youre doing wrong..." If she owns up to some of the blame first, then he might not be on the defensive right off the bat when it comes to making compromises. Tricky shyt.
daphne Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Like I said I'm not perfect. No one is. Neither is your bf. But I do get the distinct impression that you are not truly self aware in how your behavior affects him. What you're saying is something my ex repeated VERBATIM to me over and over, like an excuse, without taking responsibility for his behavior. And it was egregious. Not to say that yours is, or that your bf doesn't have his own issues. But I definitely think saying your'e not perfect is a quiet cop out. Which is fine if you don't want to improve the relationship. But everything you've said leads me to believe that you are not hearing what he needs from you, and he seems to be acting out a bit because of it. Also, I had a gf that would talk much the same way you do. You hear a very one sided story where the guy sounds like a total schmuck. You get the feeling there are things that are being left unsaid. Especially after the third guy, same pattern, he's a schmuck but she has pushed him to his limit. Having dealt with her on a personal level for years, I know that what she's leaving out is that she's a selfish, pushy person who has to have her way and will steam roll the guy and is really critical and overbearing. So he invariably bails and then she's upset and doesn't know why he's such an *********. An extreme example, but I see the similarity about not accepting responsibility for improving your own behavior. And the sleeping on the sofa does smack of punishment. That's not really going to work if he doesn't see you as the one. His action seems to be of one who thinks he has all of the power, and has one foot out the door. You can do much to change that, but you have to open your eyes to your own behavior and his needs first. If he were the one writing the post, I would have to tell him he was being an a$$ for several things. But this is more directed to you.
Author Allie32 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Well we had a long talk last night. I said what I needed to say and he said his. There are things I don't agree with and some blame I don't feel responsible for. I think he has carried over some of his bad habits from his previous relationship into ours. I feel a little better but we are treading carefully.
Hot Chick Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Well you should watch what you say when you bring up weddings. When you said "Weddings are expensive these days, they are $20,000 for an average wedding in the U.S." that sounds kind of insistent and that you are looking to get married in the near future and that you do want an extravagant, expensive wedding. When you saw the comment annoyed him, you should have just let it go, but you didn't. It does sound a bit materialistic, to be honest, and there is at least SOME expectation when you make a statement about the high cost of weddings in the U.S.
Author Allie32 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Well you should watch what you say when you bring up weddings. When you said "Weddings are expensive these days, they are $20,000 for an average wedding in the U.S." that sounds kind of insistent and that you are looking to get married in the near future and that you do want an extravagant, expensive wedding. When you saw the comment annoyed him, you should have just let it go, but you didn't. It does sound a bit materialistic, to be honest, and there is at least SOME expectation when you make a statement about the high cost of weddings in the U.S. Um how about NO. He asked me what the average wedding in this country costs- and I answered it.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Or maybe not bring up marriage at all haha. That's a very serious topic, and unless you're ready for all the cards to be laid out on the table (as what has happened in that last convo.), you may want to steer away from such matters until time permits, especially if there's been rough incidents recently. I know if that happened to me, I'd say the same thing. The man gets down on the knee, not the other way around. So even if you think he's the one, that has no bearing on how he feels. So it may be good to keep that in mind to prevent yourself from getting upset. Not making excuses for him at all, but clearly, marriage is not in the cards now nor in the near future. Just take it day by day. I'm not a fan of this approach. I'm the kind of person who needs to know... and open conversation never scared me. It is good that the OP knows how he feels. Now she can act accordingly. If she wants to be in a committed relationship, she can't be expected to wait around forever batting her proverbial eyelashes. Without going back through all of the prior posts... I'm not sure how long they've been together. As for me? A year, even less... is enough time for me to decide. If after a year, there isn't some motion in that direction, then I'm moving on. No matter how much I care about them. There are other men out there who really want marriage and are ready for a commitment. No sense wasting time on those who don't for whatever reason... if marriage is what she wants.
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