EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Again, it would take me longer than a week before I felt like I was on solid ground. I think it is wise to give the relationship time to mend. When my ex would get moody, it took me MANY weeks to get on solid ground every time she did it. After 6 months of her getting moody every month or two, I got to the point where even months of her not being moody still left me skeptical that she was actually feeling that way but hiding it. As it turned out, my instinct was correct, she was still feeling the same ways, but she just stopped communicating them after I told her I couldn't see a long future with someone as irrationally judgmental as she could be, but they all came pouring out at once after 4-5 months of her acting but not actually feeling stable.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 It isn't so obvious to me that he is upset. you were there so you know better - but if I get the jist of the thread correctly, you're interpreting him saying "I'm not sure you're the one" as him saying "I'm angry at you". Another possible interpretation is "I'm not sure you're the one" meaning "I'm still trying to figure out if we as a couple have what it takes to make a marriage last and have a family to together". In my experience, that second interpretation is usually what (smart) men have in mind when they're thinking about a marriage partner. If your relationship has been rocky of late,it makes sense that he wants to wait to think about marriage. The fact he doesn't want to break up and says he loves you might indicate that he also is glad you found a job and is also hoping you two can step forward on solid ground. Again, it would take me longer than a week before I felt like I was on solid ground. I think it is wise to give the relationship time to mend. Or, said another way, I think it is unfortunate that you two landed on this topic before you both had time to just live your relationship free of the stressand gloominess you must have felt in the last few months. Hopefully you can. I've always found that working out helps me get a better perspective, definitely more so than Loveshack, which, frankly, can be quite aggravating at times. The sense I am getting is that you want to give this relationship a chance, which means that you want to work on it. You are expressing as much doubt as he is right now. The playing field is even on that ground. But it sounds to me like you both want to move forward, and that is what I would bank on if I were you. That's why I agree with this: What if the question was flipped. Are you sure he's the one for you? That your relationship as it is now can lead to a long happy marriage and withstand the stress of raising children? If not, what do you need to make it better? What can you do and what can he do? Start focusing on solutions, on compromise and on hearing each other out. I do think he is the one for me. Despite this recent turmoil, he is one of the best people I know. His positive qualities definately out number the negative. In alot of ways, he has helped me become a better person. My family and friends think he's great and vice versa. We both want the same things in life- a family/children and we have similiar values. We obviously have our differences but I feel we can overcome those.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 When my ex would get moody, it took me MANY weeks to get on solid ground every time she did it. After 6 months of her getting moody every month or two, I got to the point where even months of her not being moody still left me skeptical that she was actually feeling that way but hiding it. As it turned out, my instinct was correct, she was still feeling the same ways, but she just stopped communicating them after I told her I couldn't see a long future with someone as irrationally judgmental as she could be, but they all came pouring out at once after 4-5 months of her acting but not actually feeling stable. I'm sorry you went throught that. But I don't feel unstable as you expressed she was. I think my situation isn't as extreme.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 You also have valid points. I have not met his mom, I have only spoken to her on the phone. She lives outside the US. Remember to still get him to tell you exactly what behavior of yours is sticking with him. He sounds like me in believing that past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, and he's seen something in you that makes him concerned about your future together. When you say you talk about things and then let them drop, that sounds like my ex, she would do that--even if the things weren't resolved. I almost NEVER drop something about my girlfriend that's unresolved. Why would I do that? She'll probably do it again. You have to identify what his issue with you is, whether or not he's being reasonable, and if he is being reasonable, whether or not you're able and willing to change that behavior in yourself.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Remember to still get him to tell you exactly what behavior of yours is sticking with him. He sounds like me in believing that past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, and he's seen something in you that makes him concerned about your future together. When you say you talk about things and then let them drop, that sounds like my ex, she would do that--even if the things weren't resolved. I almost NEVER drop something about my girlfriend that's unresolved. Why would I do that? She'll probably do it again. You have to identify what his issue with you is, whether or not he's being reasonable, and if he is being reasonable, whether or not you're able and willing to change that behavior in yourself. I felt my situation in being jobless contributed to my being "moody" so I started working and have really worked at not being that way anymore. Of course I'm human and won't be perfect just better than before. He also has to some things to adjust about himself as well..
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I felt my situation in being jobless contributed to my being "moody" so I started working and have really worked at not being that way anymore. You're categorizing your past behavior as simply "moody." To him, he may have seen a major character flaw in the specific thing you were being moody about. Are you sure you remember the specific things you were arguing and disagreeing about? If you're not totally sure, ask him, because the odds are high that HE remembers them. If it has been too long, he may not and would have to really dig his memory. If he has indeed forgotten the specifics of his issues with you and can only generalize you as "moody," then that's a result of his lack of communication. Tell him he's got to forgive you if he can't even remember his issues well enough to get them out in the open and resolve them, and that going forward, if the same issues arise again that you've both got to deal with them at the time as opposed to running from them only to forget them so that they again lead to unresolvable resentment.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Oh yea--when he's being blunt and insensitive, call him out on it. Try not to clam up and cry--direct your hurt back at him and tell him he's being an arsehole. If he's at all conscientious, it will cause him to re-evaluate the sensitivity of what he just said. If he's constantly being an arsehole, make sure you're also constantly CALLING him an arsehole so that's he's crystal clear that the type of person he THINKS he is doesn't match the reality of what you're seeing, because I highly doubt HE thinks he's being an ass.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Of course you move faster with your feelings..you were the cause of problems/resentment. Good job of dodging my perfectly valid points earlier because of how it made you 'feel'. I just don't respond to being spoken to in a disrespectful way. Jester, as evidence points out, she dodges all of the points that suggest she has to change something about her to make her relationship work. Shes a grown adult who is insisting on being handled with kid gloves, and since she is so ridiculously over sensitive about words spoken to her, you can never get the point across to her that she is over sensitive. Its a big block that probably has haunted her relationships up to this point. Its all about her enjoying her emotions about feeling upset, and not wanting to have to work to understand her partner, or at least communicate to him in HIS way so that he can understand her. He probably understands her already and is too frustrated to be bothered anymore. You can only deal with someone who misinterprets everything you say for so long.
Kamille Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 To him, he may have seen a major character flaw in the specific thing you were being moody about. Personally, I would be weary of entering that terrain. I'm still curious to know why Allie interpreted his assertions to mean he was upset. To me, he sounded like someone who felt fairly in control and who was expressing his view, not someone who was upset, or even feeling perticularly resentful. She got upset. Allie, you need to figure out what you need to get over being upset. So I repeat: there's a very good chance his issues aren't with Allie per se, but rather with how they interact(ed) together (in the past few months). That's altogether different, and if he's young, he might not have that insight into what exactly needs to change for him to feel like this relationship is the one for him. The onus shouldn't be on her or on him to change some basic carachteristics. We all have flaws and we all have qualities. The onus should be on understanding each other better and working together towards rebuilding the relationship. What is good, however, Allie, is that you both know you want the same thing: family, marriage, children. You also both know you want to work on this. Go from there.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Jester, as evidence points out, she dodges all of the points that suggest she has to change something about her to make her relationship work. Shes a grown adult who is insisting on being handled with kid gloves, and since she is so ridiculously over sensitive about words spoken to her, you can never get the point across to her that she is over sensitive. Its a big block that probably has haunted her relationships up to this point. Its all about her enjoying her emotions about feeling upset, and not wanting to have to work to understand her partner, or at least communicate to him in HIS way so that he can understand her. He probably understands her already and is too frustrated to be bothered anymore. You can only deal with someone who misinterprets everything you say for so long. sorry to say but you don't have a clue about who I am, or my bf yet you insist to say he is a victim and there must be something wrong with me. Most people here are very helpful and then there are a chosen few that are not..
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Personally, I would be weary of entering that terrain. I'm still curious to know why Allie interpreted his assertions to mean he was upset. To me, he sounded like someone who felt fairly in control and who was expressing his view, not someone who was upset, or even feeling perticularly resentful. She got upset. Allie, you need to figure out what you need to get over being upset. So I repeat: there's a very good chance his issues aren't with Allie per se, but rather with how they interact(ed) together (in the past few months). That's altogether different, and if he's young, he might not have that insight into what exactly needs to change for him to feel like this relationship is the one for him. The onus shouldn't be on her or on him to change some basic carachteristics. We all have flaws and we all have qualities. The onus should be on understanding each other better and working together towards rebuilding the relationship. What is good, however, Allie, is that you both know you want the same thing: family, marriage, children. You also both know you want to work on this. Go from there. I think you are correct in its about how we communicated in the past. We can do better. btw he is 34.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Shes a grown adult who is insisting on being handled with kid gloves, and since she is so ridiculously over sensitive about words spoken to her, you can never get the point across to her that she is over sensitive. She shouldn't let him get to her like she does, but come on, that "materialistic" comment when she told him the average price of a wedding is $20K was an insensitive thing to say when she didn't actually express a preference herself for such a wedding. The main reason she shouldn't let this get to her is if she's got a choice between him not communicating at all versus communicating but coming across like a dick, which is better? Coming across like a dick at least means there's communication and gets things out in the open--she just needs to call him out when he's being a dick so he'll tone it down.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Personally, I would be weary of entering that terrain. I'm still curious to know why Allie interpreted his assertions to mean he was upset. To me, he sounded like someone who felt fairly in control and who was expressing his view, not someone who was upset, or even feeling perticularly resentful. She got upset. Allie, you need to figure out what you need to get over being upset. Her thread title tells you what she needs. To her, he is the one, but to him, she's not, yet. One of the two of them has to enter the terrain of what his reservations are, and since she's upset over it, I'd do it if I were her.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Her thread title tells you what she needs. To her, he is the one, but to him, she's not, yet. One of the two of them has to enter the terrain of what his reservations are, and since she's upset over it, I'd do it if I were her. I know it will take time for him to feel good about it, since he has expressed that he wasn't happy with how things have been, but I wasn't either. I guess I didn't think it meant we were almost over. What I thought was a bump in the road he took as an indicator that maybe we aren't meant to be. But he also needs to get a clue that he isn't perfect. He says he knows he's not but I feel hes been putting alot of blame on me.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 She shouldn't let him get to her like she does, but come on, that "materialistic" comment when she told him the average price of a wedding is $20K was an insensitive thing to say when she didn't actually express a preference herself for such a wedding. The main reason she shouldn't let this get to her is if she's got a choice between him not communicating at all versus communicating but coming across like a dick, which is better? Coming across like a dick at least means there's communication and gets things out in the open--she just needs to call him out when he's being a dick so he'll tone it down. I do call him out on stuff. Sometimes he apologizes and other times he says I'm too sensitive.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 sorry to say but you don't have a clue about who I am, or my bf yet you insist to say he is a victim and there must be something wrong with me. See how you misinterpreted my post? This is why he talks to you like he does, theres no way to get through to you, because you will think what you want anyway, instead of listening. I didnt say anything was wrong with you, I said you didnt want to understand him. Oh sure, when Im telling you what you dont want to hear, thats when you decide I dont have a clue about who you are. But you dont want help, you just want validation for how you feel. Everyone here but you can see it from a mile away. The main reason she shouldn't let this get to her is if she's got a choice between him not communicating at all versus communicating but coming across like a dick, which is better? Coming across like a dick at least means there's communication and gets things out in the open--she just needs to call him out when he's being a dick so he'll tone it down. Yeah but because she is making it all about her, we have no clue as to what kind of guy he is, to make his comment. Its pretty clear that he might be too frustrated to talk to handle her with kid gloves. If she has been way over sensitive all this time, Im sure he built up to be this way over time, Hes probably sick of toning it down, he cant be himself. It could be an incompatibility issue. Thats if his language to her isnt completely unreasonable. If he is coming across like a dick, and really does constantly talk to her like shes a sailor, she has to get over that to communicate with him his way. She has to change first to tell him in HIS language that he is hurting her, then maybe he will listen to her. BUT if he gave up on this relationship, nothign she does will help. From what she said, he is checking out because of her behavior during her depression, and shes glossed over how so many people already said in this thread how that behavior killed it for him.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Like I said I'm not perfect. No one is.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Yeah but because she is making it all about her, we have no clue as to what kind of guy he is, to make his comment. I think it's because she doesn't know what his side is and what his specific issues are that make him skeptical she's "the one". She needs to find out.
Kamille Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I know it will take time for him to feel good about it, since he has expressed that he wasn't happy with how things have been, but I wasn't either. I guess I didn't think it meant we were almost over. What I thought was a bump in the road he took as an indicator that maybe we aren't meant to be. Wait. Nowhere in what you reported he said did he say that he felt you guys were almost over. If anything, I understood he meant the opposite. That he didn't feel you guys were ready to talk about marriage, but that he wanted some time to see how things would sort through in the next few days. Her thread title tells you what she needs. To her, he is the one, but to him, she's not, yet. One of the two of them has to enter the terrain of what his reservations are, and since she's upset over it, I'd do it if I were her. Yes. They should enter the terrain of what his reservations are about the relationship, not about her. In jher shoes, I would ask him this simple question: "What do you think we need to do to make our relationship stronger?" I would never advise anyone continue a relationship where they are hoping to change their partner, or where they are asked to change. Especially if the future of the relationship depends on the change. No one should be in the position of trying to convince their bf or gf that they're worth it. That would be a major power imbalance and would probably only lead to resentment, drama and feeling stiffled. The way I see it, there are three components to a relationship: him, her and the relationship (how they interact, what they're building, their history together, how they communicate). Centering the focus on "him" or "her" is asking for trouble, for judgement, for resentment. Centering the focus on the relationship, in my experience, leads to better communication and better compromises.
Kamille Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Allie, from this thread alone, I am getting the impression that you might be over-interpreting what he said. He said he wasn't sure you were the one, you are interpreting it to mean he thinks the relationship is almost over. You are also under the impression he is upset, when nothing you have said here really leads to the conclusion he is upset. I noticed a few other examples as the thread went along, when you will abstract from statement A, that he must feel B - which leads you to feel C (upset, concerned, worried). In other words, you might have a propensity to jump to conclusions. So step back. When he say statement A, ask him what he means. If he says A and you think it means B, ask for the clarification: when you say you're not sure I'm the one, it makes me feel like you think this relationship is nearly over. The one thing you can work on is to stop interpreting what he says and take it at face value.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I don't think he feels that the world should revolve around him. But I do feel he should be able to say what he wants without consequence. He doesn't think he says things that are insensitive. But he does and than when I come back with that, he gets short.. I dunno about that. There are some things that, once said, can't be taken back. I've never called any of my SO's a name. Not once. Never hit any living thing either. There is such a thing as 'fighting fair'. Not every concern needs to be brought up... it is called picking one's battles. These are things that couples learn how to manage together or not... If that effort is one sided, it really is doomed in the long run. If your whole relationship is based on him expecting you to be doing all of the accomodation, it will never work. Quick question. Has he ever apologized for anything? Ever?
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I would never advise anyone continue a relationship where they are hoping to change their partner, or where they are asked to change. Especially if the future of the relationship depends on the change. Why not? By this logic, instead of continually reminding him he needs to pick up after himself around the house, she should break up with him. It could be that whatever his issue with her is something she doesn't realize about herself that she'd be better off changing in future relationships and quite possibly with him. Why wouldn't she want to know those things?
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Everyone here but you can see it from a mile away. Nope... you aren't speaking for everyone here... not at all.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 I dunno about that. There are some things that, once said, can't be taken back. I've never called any of my SO's a name. Not once. Never hit any living thing either. There is such a thing as 'fighting fair'. Not every concern needs to be brought up... it is called picking one's battles. These are things that couples learn how to manage together or not... If that effort is one sided, it really is doomed in the long run. If your whole relationship is based on him expecting you to be doing all of the accomodation, it will never work. Quick question. Has he ever apologized for anything? Ever? Come to think of it, he has only apologized once or twice...
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Jester, as evidence points out, she dodges all of the points that suggest she has to change something about her to make her relationship work. Shes a grown adult who is insisting on being handled with kid gloves, and since she is so ridiculously over sensitive about words spoken to her, you can never get the point across to her that she is over sensitive. Its a big block that probably has haunted her relationships up to this point. Its all about her enjoying her emotions about feeling upset, and not wanting to have to work to understand her partner, or at least communicate to him in HIS way so that he can understand her. He probably understands her already and is too frustrated to be bothered anymore. You can only deal with someone who misinterprets everything you say for so long. no, the above sounds like your issues from a past GF. The OP is here trying to figure things out.
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