Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 That's EXACTLY why I wish we could read each other's minds. We'd stop being so sensitive about what we actually think about each other as children because we'd hear it constantly around us every minute of every day. As it is, we go around naive about what human beings actually think, and as a result, most of us go to our graves never understanding the human mind or how we're perceived by people. Yea, still not enough info. We still can't objectively help you because you're not giving us both sides. If your looking for some earth shattering example, I don't think I have one. There was a situation about a month ago he went out of the state on business. We had a quarrel one night over the phone, don't remember what about, but the next day he didn't contact me at all. So I became worried and it took me calling 3 or 4 times before he picked up. He decided to "ignore" me and than that started another arguement about how I felt he was "punishing" me by letting me worry.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 He has a double standard perhaps? He says whatever he wants and you are supposed to get over it? But when you say something he doesn't like, he holds onto it for awhile?? hmmm. sometimes it seems that way.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Yes.. and this is why living together before marriage is not recommended by many relationship professionals. There is a much higher % of divorce among those who live together before marriage and those who don't. 80% vs 50% the last time I looked. Got a source for that? Googling it just now showed a VERY wild variety of percentages in both directions from various studies, I can't make any sense of the reality of it.
iJester Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I like to talk things out by not making insensitive comments but by speaking to one another with respect and when he made comments like that, it makes me feel like he is trying to hurt my feelings. Again, grow the **** up. He wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, he was trying to make you realize how ridiculous you were being. An invite to a wedding is not a marriage proposal, yet you asked him, why he invited you to the wedding if he's not sure you're 'the one'. Then went and slept on the couch when you got a realistic answer. I'm curious, how was he supposed to filter what he was saying? What would be an acceptable way to tell you he's not convinced? You should be thankful that he's so honest and forthcoming with you. As enigmatic clarity said, you're only giving one side. I want to hear in your own words, what you think your moodiness consists of, and what your b/f means by you "yell and nag" at him.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 If your looking for some earth shattering example, I don't think I have one. There was a situation about a month ago he went out of the state on business. We had a quarrel one night over the phone, don't remember what about, but the next day he didn't contact me at all. So I became worried and it took me calling 3 or 4 times before he picked up. He decided to "ignore" me and than that started another arguement about how I felt he was "punishing" me by letting me worry. I can virtually guarantee you HE remembers the specifics of your disagreements. These unresolved quarrels don't go away, they fester forever. You two really don't communicate well enough at the moment to stay together over the long term. If you don't go back and resolve the disagreements, then they'll end your relationship.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Again, grow the **** up. Don't think this is anyway to speak to someone. Leave it at that.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 You two really don't communicate well enough at the moment to stay together over the long term. If you don't go back and resolve the disagreements, then they'll end your relationship. I agree with you. But I think it needs to be talked about and then move on, not still carry the anger with us.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Got a source for that? Googling it just now showed a VERY wild variety of percentages in both directions from various studies, I can't make any sense of the reality of it. Sure. Give me a day or two and I'll dig it up. Keep in mind that I did alot of that research more than 5 years ago. It has been pretty consistent for years though. Dug it up after my divorce back in 1999 too. We lived together briefly before marriage. Years later, one of his reasons for not supporting my graduate school efforts was that it wasn't 'convenient' for him. This is a typical complaint of people who live together. Usually something comes along to test the relationship, and all of a sudden, things aren't 'convenient' anymore.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 sometimes it seems that way. Allie, I think your relationship is doomed because you cannot effectively communicate. Its all about how you feel and nothing about how hee feels. You dont try to understand what hes trying to tell you, because youre too busy expecting him to hurt your feelings, instead of asking him to clear things up. And thats why he doesnt want to talk to you, you remind me of a woman I dated who took EVERYTHING I said the wrong way. So until you stop trying to be hurt, and start trying to understand how he speaks and who he is, he will dump you soon. Not only that, but when you are moody or depressed, you obviously acted in a way that completely turned him off, in a way he felt he couldnt support you. So unless you can guarantee him that you wont be that moody ever again, that you will not take your moods out on him, he wont want to be with you, and you definitely arent the one for him. He doesnt want to live with someone who refuses to try to understand him, and who cant control their own moody behavior. When you dont try to understand him, and youre only thinking of your own feelings, its very selfish, and no one wants to be with someone like that.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 sometimes it seems that way. Sorry to hear that. Sometimes people have a hard time putting themselves in the other's shoes. Have you ever asked him... "How would you feel if....?"
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Allie, I think your relationship is doomed because you cannot effectively communicate. Its all about how you feel and nothing about how hee feels. You dont try to understand what hes trying to tell you, because youre too busy expecting him to hurt your feelings, instead of asking him to clear things up. And thats why he doesnt want to talk to you, you remind me of a woman I dated who took EVERYTHING I said the wrong way. So until you stop trying to be hurt, and start trying to understand how he speaks and who he is, he will dump you soon. Not only that, but when you are moody or depressed, you obviously acted in a way that completely turned him off, in a way he felt he couldnt support you. So unless you can guarantee him that you wont be that moody ever again, that you will not take your moods out on him, he wont want to be with you, and you definitely arent the one for him. He doesnt want to live with someone who refuses to try to understand him, and who cant control their own moody behavior. When you dont try to understand him, and youre only thinking of your own feelings, its very selfish, and no one wants to be with someone like that. He totally has a right to feel the way he does. I'm not perfect by any means, and I have made mistakes. And I want us to move forward together. I listened to everything he said last night and internally processed it, which is why I'm here now.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Sorry to hear that. Sometimes people have a hard time putting themselves in the other's shoes. Have you ever asked him... "How would you feel if....?" Yeah, he says stuff like "oh that wouldn't bother me" etc.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Allie, I think your relationship is doomed because you cannot effectively communicate. Its all about how you feel and nothing about how hee feels. You dont try to understand what hes trying to tell you, because youre too busy expecting him to hurt your feelings, instead of asking him to clear things up. And thats why he doesnt want to talk to you, you remind me of a woman I dated who took EVERYTHING I said the wrong way. So until you stop trying to be hurt, and start trying to understand how he speaks and who he is, he will dump you soon. Not only that, but when you are moody or depressed, you obviously acted in a way that completely turned him off, in a way he felt he couldnt support you. So unless you can guarantee him that you wont be that moody ever again, that you will not take your moods out on him, he wont want to be with you, and you definitely arent the one for him. He doesnt want to live with someone who refuses to try to understand him, and who cant control their own moody behavior. When you dont try to understand him, and youre only thinking of your own feelings, its very selfish, and no one wants to be with someone like that. He's not here to explain his side, for sure. But at least she is here trying to get some insight. This doesn't sound like a person who is inconsiderate of his needs. My perception is that he thinks the world should revolve around his needs 24/7... that he gets to say and do whatever he wants, without any consequences... and if 'god forbid' life happens in a way that places any undue burden on him and his immediate happiness, he takes it out on her in some pretty passive aggressive ways. It seems she's the one holding this thing together... not him at all.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Yeah, he says stuff like "oh that wouldn't bother me" etc. Interesting. My guess is that you are also not the kind of person who would actually call his bluff on that... Something to consider though... If he shows no interest in tempering his words that hurt you, you have two choices. Deal with it or leave. I personally would not want to stay with someone who had no interest in finding other ways to communicate that improved the relationship. This is a big deal though. It is good you are trying to sort this out.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 He's not here to explain his side, for sure. But at least she is here trying to get some insight. This doesn't sound like a person who is inconsiderate of his needs. My perception is that he thinks the world should revolve around his needs 24/7... that he gets to say and do whatever he wants, without any consequences... and if 'god forbid' life happens in a way that places any undue burden on him and his immediate happiness, he takes it out on her in some pretty passive aggressive ways. It seems she's the one holding this thing together... not him at all. I don't think he feels that the world should revolve around him. But I do feel he should be able to say what he wants without consequence. He doesn't think he says things that are insensitive. But he does and than when I come back with that, he gets short..
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I agree with you. But I think it needs to be talked about and then move on, not still carry the anger with us. Talked about AND resolved. Your previous conflicts are currently unresolved, and as long as they remain that way, he won't think you guys have a shot at a permanent relationship. The entire idea of psychoanalysis is to go back and deal with **** you should have resolved long ago that you didn't at the time. This is why the "never go to bed angry" cliche is absolutely essential to a healthy relationship--if you bury your resentments, they stay there and become harder to deal with as time goes on because you can no longer remember the specifics of them. Your alternative to dealing with issues as they arise is self-psychoanalysis or assisted psychoanalysis...that's SO much harder. You've got to get him to go back, communicate, and resolve his concerns about you.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Interesting. My guess is that you are also not the kind of person who would actually call his bluff on that... Something to consider though... If he shows no interest in tempering his words that hurt you, you have two choices. Deal with it or leave. I personally would not want to stay with someone who had no interest in finding other ways to communicate that improved the relationship. This is a big deal though. It is good you are trying to sort this out. He just isnt' a "feeling" type of guy. He is extremely intelligent (has a PHD) but doesn't have a clue about being sensitive.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Talked about AND resolved. Your previous conflicts are currently unresolved, and as long as they remain that way, he won't think you guys have a shot at a permanent relationship. The entire idea of psychoanalysis is to go back and deal with **** you should have resolved long ago that you didn't at the time. This is why the "never go to bed angry" cliche is absolutely essential to a healthy relationship--if you bury your resentments, they stay there and become harder to deal with as time goes on because you can no longer remember the specifics of them. Your alternative to dealing with issues as they arise is self-psychoanalysis or assisted psychoanalysis...that's SO much harder. You've got to get him to go back, communicate, and resolve his concerns about you. "This is why the "never go to bed angry" cliche is absolutely essential to a healthy relationship"- I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS. But he would just walk away and at times not wanna talk about a situation and just go to bed. This would leave me feeling ignored and not cared about.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 My perception is that he thinks the world should revolve around his needs 24/7... that he gets to say and do whatever he wants, without any consequences... and if 'god forbid' life happens in a way that places any undue burden on him and his immediate happiness, he takes it out on her in some pretty passive aggressive ways. Unless I glossed over something, that sounds like a load of melodramatic bull****. Where'd you get all of THAT from in Allie's descriptions?
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Until last night I thought we were moving forward in a positive way, but the convo turned into a different animal. Guess I just feel like if things were moving on well, why is he still so upset..
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 "This is why the "never go to bed angry" cliche is absolutely essential to a healthy relationship"- I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS. But he would just walk away and at times not wanna talk about a situation and just go to bed. This would leave me feeling ignored and not cared about. Tell him he needs to ****ing listen to it. As long as he won't openly communicate, he will always be susceptible to any relationship he's ever in failing at some point. This quality in people is the primary reason divorce and breakup rates are so high.
Author Allie32 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 I'm trying to understand him saying "it takes longer than a week for me to be hopeful about the future of our relationship" I guess I move faster with my feelings. I know everyone is different.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Sure. Give me a day or two and I'll dig it up. Keep in mind that I did alot of that research more than 5 years ago. It has been pretty consistent for years though. Dug it up after my divorce back in 1999 too. Well that's OK, you don't have to, but do you understand the thinking behind why living together before marriage leads to more divorce? I would expect it to work the opposite way.
Chocolat Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I wasn't speaking in terms of a wedding "we" would have just in general. We had a really nice night until this conversation came up. The last 5 days have been wonderful and than POW- Back at square one. Huh? You just happened to be abstractly discussing marriage with your boyfriend? I am sure your bf heard this as attempt on your part to dig into his feelings on the topic. And, in fact, that's what you were doing: And than I don't remember why but at some point I asked him if he could see us getting married some day. You say you've just come out of a rough period with your bf, so it is completely understandable that he is not ready to discuss marriage with you. Seems like you went on a fishing expedition and didn't hear what you were hoping for. I don't blame you for being upset because no one wants to hear that they are not "the one" but, at the same time, I hope you can see that your actions brought this on. Right now is when you should be focused on rebuilding your r/s, not probing your bf as to whether he sees himself marrying you. Of course he doesn't at this point! I can virtually guarantee you HE remembers the specifics of your disagreements. These unresolved quarrels don't go away, they fester forever. I don't know if they fester forever, but I do agree that your bf probably has a crystal clear recollection of your past moodiness and disagreements. I agree with you. But I think it needs to be talked about and then move on, not still carry the anger with us. Show him with actions. Words are cheap. As far as your bf can see, there has been little f any change. Deciding to sleep on the couch to punish him for not saying what you wanted to hear only further reinforces his opinion of you as moody. His fear -- and it's not unfounded, imo -- is that you are someone who reacts overly negatively to common life stressors and disagreements. Face it, if you spend a lifetime with someone there will be all sorts of problems over the years - jobs lost, illness, problems with kids, etc. Your bf is not unreasonable in wanting to know how you will handle these events.
2sunny Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 "This is why the "never go to bed angry" cliche is absolutely essential to a healthy relationship"- I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS. But he would just walk away and at times not wanna talk about a situation and just go to bed. This would leave me feeling ignored and not cared about. this isn't a quality deep within a man that I'D want to spend the rest of my life with. you seem to be wanting him to want you - but ask yourself why YOU should have to settle for a man that is unfeeling, insensitive and cold to how YOU may be feeling? life is too short to expect him to be decent, loving and kind - when it's not at the core of WHO HE IS! he's showing you what he's about - since you don't like it - you should end this. he shouldn't be expected to change - in fact, it most likely will get worse. Until last night I thought we were moving forward in a positive way, but the convo turned into a different animal. Guess I just feel like if things were moving on well, why is he still so upset.. HE'S UPSET? this is so back wards - and good reason to understand that you two are NOT a good match.
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