Why didn't I listen?????

[nonamefornow]

Haven't posted in a while but still reading every day. Things have turned a bit disastrous for me lately (all my own fault btw) as I wish I had've listened to the sound advice given to me late July/early August!!

 

I work with xMM and back in June I took some time off just to get away from him and some head space for myself. Was off for 11 weeks and am now going through a phased return, doc put me on anti-depressants which didn't agree with me, now on anxiety meds.....all over the head of this guy!!! I've been in and out of some serious r/ships in my 39yrs but never, ever experienced anything like this. Is it because it's secret? (on his part anyway, more and more of my friends became aware of the situation over the summer). Never have I felt soooo emotionally drained in my life!

 

Asked for NC in June, yet he kept up with the texts, fought, argued, made friends, told him to leave me alone etc. all summer long via text, with the odd phone call thrown in. When he admitted booking a week's holiday with his wife early August I finally met him for lunch and asked for NC for the duration of 3 week period he'd be off work. He lasted 6 days before FB messaging to let me know they'd fought several times during the holiday (about me). I know, I know, I should have deleted his number, deleted him from my FB and I'll be totally honest here, I didn't because I still had feelings for him and hoped they would eventually dissapate and we'd be able to have some sort of working relationship. I wouldn't go as far as to say a friendship as I believe if it's a true friendship it wouldn't be secret from his wife.

 

Fast forward to present day and after being caught out twice sending FB messages and once on the phone, he is still denying to the hilt any contact with me. He is now attending an addiction counsellor for issues with alcohol. He is blaming over-drinking on why he couldn't seem to leave me alone and almost driving me crazy for past 6 months (I acknowledge my part in this too for replying). He's admitted things have always been volatile at home but things have been really bad recently due to his drinking. This past week all I've heard of is how real possibility of splitting up is on the table, how he needs the counselling to see why this all started in the first place, how financially awful it would be if they split etc. Yes, all about HIM!! So far I've had his wife on phone to me in June, his son FB messaged me the other day, asking what's going on because his 'father' is denying everything/saying nothing, yet he's still now and again hinting that the story may not be over for us, he may decide through the counselling he shouldn't be married to his wife etc.

 

I guess my gut feeling is telling me that he's really just keeping me dangling on the side, in case his wife decides that enough is enough and ends it - that'll I'll be plan B. I really want to believe he did at one point have feelings for me but now I'm feeling a bit like a sounding board, there to listen to his traumas and woes, when everything blows up at home I'm the one he'll whinge to (probably because no one else is talking to him!). I've told him if his wife or son contact me again, I will not lie, despite the consequences. It destroys your spirit when this person has been maintaining they love you to bits, yet when happy home life threatened, he'll deny you exist!! Am I right in thinking I'm PLAN B???

 

HELP!!!

[wannabdone]

Haven't posted in a while but still reading every day. Things have turned a bit disastrous for me lately (all my own fault btw) as I wish I had've listened to the sound advice given to me late July/early August!!

 

I work with xMM and back in June I took some time off just to get away from him and some head space for myself. Was off for 11 weeks and am now going through a phased return, doc put me on anti-depressants which didn't agree with me, now on anxiety meds.....all over the head of this guy!!! I've been in and out of some serious r/ships in my 39yrs but never, ever experienced anything like this. Is it because it's secret? (on his part anyway, more and more of my friends became aware of the situation over the summer). Never have I felt soooo emotionally drained in my life!

 

Asked for NC in June, yet he kept up with the texts, fought, argued, made friends, told him to leave me alone etc. all summer long via text, with the odd phone call thrown in. When he admitted booking a week's holiday with his wife early August I finally met him for lunch and asked for NC for the duration of 3 week period he'd be off work. He lasted 6 days before FB messaging to let me know they'd fought several times during the holiday (about me). I know, I know, I should have deleted his number, deleted him from my FB and I'll be totally honest here, I didn't because I still had feelings for him and hoped they would eventually dissapate and we'd be able to have some sort of working relationship. I wouldn't go as far as to say a friendship as I believe if it's a true friendship it wouldn't be secret from his wife.

 

Fast forward to present day and after being caught out twice sending FB messages and once on the phone, he is still denying to the hilt any contact with me. He is now attending an addiction counsellor for issues with alcohol. He is blaming over-drinking on why he couldn't seem to leave me alone and almost driving me crazy for past 6 months (I acknowledge my part in this too for replying). He's admitted things have always been volatile at home but things have been really bad recently due to his drinking. This past week all I've heard of is how real possibility of splitting up is on the table, how he needs the counselling to see why this all started in the first place, how financially awful it would be if they split etc. Yes, all about HIM!! So far I've had his wife on phone to me in June, his son FB messaged me the other day, asking what's going on because his 'father' is denying everything/saying nothing, yet he's still now and again hinting that the story may not be over for us, he may decide through the counselling he shouldn't be married to his wife etc.

 

I guess my gut feeling is telling me that he's really just keeping me dangling on the side, in case his wife decides that enough is enough and ends it - that'll I'll be plan B. I really want to believe he did at one point have feelings for me but now I'm feeling a bit like a sounding board, there to listen to his traumas and woes, when everything blows up at home I'm the one he'll whinge to (probably because no one else is talking to him!). I've told him if his wife or son contact me again, I will not lie, despite the consequences. It destroys your spirit when this person has been maintaining they love you to bits, yet when happy home life threatened, he'll deny you exist!! Am I right in thinking I'm PLAN B???

 

HELP!!!

 

 

First off, ALWAYS GO WITH YOUR GUT. If your gut tells you he is dangling you along, then your gut is probably spot on.

 

Second, try not to beat yourself up too much. You live and learn from your mistakes. Is this the first time you have gone through or tried NC? This tends to become a vicious cycle that will happen over and over again. I"m glad he is getting counseling, my only hope is he will be honest with his counselor and himself really be able to heal himself. He won't be able to figure out what he needs until he does that. But enough about him....lets get back to the real deal at hand. YOU. I know how hard this is. TRUST ME. You want to believe it this, you want to believe that love conquers all, you some how look at this as this will right all the wrongs in your life. A's have been often put on the level as a gambling addiction....and it makes sense if you think about it. The thrill that keeps you coming back is the thrill of "you might win this time", if we won each time, yeah we would like it, but it wouldn't be so addicting, we would just know if we ever needed $ we could go to the casino and get it....it would be a constant. But the fact that typically you will win (or not) 1:36 ratio, it keeps you on the edge, wondering if this hand will pay off....and will it pay off big, or just a little. I don't think for most people its the secretiness. Maybe in some instances it is. But I think its more of the will I win that gets us. Also the passionate feelings here....whether they be passionate feelings of anger, betrayal, or happiness....all very passionate though.

 

I think the best thing to do is always set goals that are reasonable and that you know you can obtain. If you set goals unrealistic, you are setting yourself up for failure. Plain and simple, if your not ready for NC, your not ready. Now I don't think we are ever really totally ready for NC, but you know when its right for you. So figure out something you know you can maintain, and will start making yourself feel stronger, then you can up it, once you feel stronger, and do a little more. If you take it that way, you won't get so down on yourself for failing. NONE OF US LIKE TO FAIL.

 

I would say for yourself that until this MM can be honest with everyone....get away. Start coming up with an idea of how you can make that happen. That might not be over night, but come up with a valid exit plan, that you can uphold and not fail at. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS HURT AND SORROW.

 

I am so sorrry you are hurting. Hang in there.

 

(((((hugs)))))))

[So Very Confused]

I know what you mean about regretting not taking the good advice that was offered before. I know I'm guilty of that. Don't feel alone in that. I still read through the threads I've posted and know that the truth has been spoken. Don't beat yourself up about it.

 

It sure sounds like the MM has some issues to deal with and he is trying really hard not to lay the blame anywhere else. Blaming the A on his drinking? Really? That's such a load of BS. Honestly it sounds like he's run out of options. He probably tried to blame it on her for a long time and that quit working. Then he probably blamed it on you and that quit working. I guess now he's going to blame alcohol until that quits working.

 

My xH used to do the same thing kind of. He would say and do the meanest things and then when confronted about it, he'd say "well, I had too much to drink". Like that was supposed to excuse his behavior and make me feel any better about what had happened.

 

Bottom line is he's still making excuses and he's going to be a tough nut to crack. I hope they are seeing a really good counselor.

 

I hate to tell you this, but I do think you are Plan B for him. I think she's probably Plan B too though. He's only thinking of himself and how to get what he wants.

 

If I were you I'd do some hard thinking about whether or not this is really something you want to deal with the rest of your life. Do you want to be with someone who drinks too much? Do you want to be with someone who blames all of his problems on something or someone else? Stop worrying about him and what he's going to do and worry about you and what you want to do.

[MissBee]

I think the question that needs to be asked is: what is go great about this man that with all that, you'd want to be with him?

 

I understand attachment, I understand and have experienced how irrational it is, and even when you know someone is no good for you and not the best thing since, you don't automatically become detached....but it has served me well to keep reminding myself of the reality and asking myself, what is so great about this person?

If a single guy's life was such a mess and all he did was complain to you about everything under the sun and he had alcohol abuse issues and all the rest, would you be tripping all over yourself to date him?

 

Women put up with a lot from men in general...single and married. Things we have no business putting up with. Codependency seems to be in a lot of our natures...believing we can heal a man into loving us and doing right by us...when we can't.

 

Everyone has their fair share of issues, that's fine but we need to draw the line and realize that sometimes in life, we have to sit this dating game out! Not everyone is suitable to be a relationship partner period and then sometimes during different phases of our lives, we're not suited to be with anyone, although we can come out the other side and be ready. I had to realize this, which helped me to let go of certain "relationships", as it wasn't about me, it was realizing I could be the best thing since, this person could truly like/love me, but is just unable to be with me for their own issues and need to work on themselves! It is not for me to try to speed it up or to insist on trying to "be there", hoping to get a relationship from someone who CANNOT offer a healthy one! This man doesn't seem to be in a very good place. Leave him alone. He cannot make a good boyfriend to you and certainly isn't a good husband to his wife. His life is topsy turvy and you need to block him and give yourself that peace and him and his family the space to work things through.

Edited September 15, 2011 by MissBee

[wannabdone]

I think the question that needs to be asked is: what is go great about this man that with all that, you'd want to be with him?

 

I understand attachment, I understand and have experienced how irrational it is, and even when you know someone is no good for you and not the best thing since, you don't automatically become detached....but it has served me well to keep reminding myself of the reality and asking myself, what is so great about this person?

 

If a single guy's life was such a mess and all he did was complain to you about everything under the sun and he had alcohol abuse issues and all the rest, would you be tripping all over yourself to date him?

 

Women put up with a lot from men in general...single and married. Things we have no business putting up with. Codependency seems to be in a lot of our natures...believing we can heal a man into loving us and doing right by us...when we can't.

 

Everyone has their fair share of issues, that's fine but we need to draw the line and realize that sometimes in life, we have to sit this dating game out! Not everyone is suitable to be a relationship partner period and then sometimes during different phases of our lives, we're not suited to be with anyone, although we can come out the other side and be ready. I had to realize this, which helped me to let go of certain "relationships", as it wasn't about me, it was realizing I could be the best thing since, this person could truly like/love me, but is just unable to be with me for their own issues and need to work on themselves! It is not for me to try to speed it up or to insist on trying to "be there", hoping to get a relationship from someone who CANNOT offer a healthy one! This man doesn't seem to be in a very good place. Leave him alone. He cannot make a good boyfriend to you and certainly isn't a good husband to his wife. His life is topsy turvy and you need to block him and give yourself that peace and him and his family the space to work things through.

 

 

Absolutely agree!!!

 

We love the POTENTIAL we see they have, not who they actually are and what they actually give to us.

And somehow helping us helping them, fulfills us. Which is a WONDERFUL quality to have, (helping people), but we have to have boundaries, and when those boundaries are crossed (and we are allowing them to be) ...makes something that is a great and wonderful quality to have, become detramental and harming.

[nonamefornow]

Thanks all for your replies. He's told me today the counsellor told him he needs to deal with the issue of drinking first and foremost and is not able to make any other decisions until this is done.

 

When he has abstained from alcohol, I'm sure his M will inevitably repair itself, as the issue causing the problems (since he won't admit contact with me!) will be knocked on the head. Said he discussed with the counsellor that these problems in his M have been building up for 20yrs but again, counsellor feels he's not ready to deal with anything other than quitting drinking.

 

He's still insisting he is so comfortable with me and can talk to me more easily than 'her', I'm his best friend and soul mate. The evidence I see before me though is that he continues to live with her and the volatility, swinging between periods of greatness and complete calm and blow ups! I KNOW I need to let go of this and move on for my own sanity and just regret the time I've wasted over the course of half of this year listening to his crap when I've been trying to deal with my own problems!

 

Thanks again for your input

[Gentlegirl]

Thanks all for your replies. He's told me today the counsellor told him he needs to deal with the issue of drinking first and foremost and is not able to make any other decisions until this is done.

 

When he has abstained from alcohol, I'm sure his M will inevitably repair itself, as the issue causing the problems (since he won't admit contact with me!) will be knocked on the head. Said he discussed with the counsellor that these problems in his M have been building up for 20yrs but again, counsellor feels he's not ready to deal with anything other than quitting drinking.

 

He's still insisting he is so comfortable with me and can talk to me more easily than 'her', I'm his best friend and soul mate. The evidence I see before me though is that he continues to live with her and the volatility, swinging between periods of greatness and complete calm and blow ups! I KNOW I need to let go of this and move on for my own sanity and just regret the time I've wasted over the course of half of this year listening to his crap when I've been trying to deal with my own problems!

 

Thanks again for your input

 

Have been thinking about you.

 

These guys are like blood suckers. They latch on and keep feeding off you until you have no more to give. Already you have suffered considerably because of him and his selfish pursuit of you. If you get rid of him, I guarentee he will be on the prowl looking for another before you can blink.

 

I know you have an emotional attachment to him. Now honestly, would you want a full time life with him... alcoholic, wife breathing down your nedk and now his son?????????? He does need to sort out his alcoholism without any further complications. It's like trying to give up smoking.... on thing at a time.

 

It would be a living hell. You health and well being have already been put at risk.

 

As for being his best friend , well I can hear the violins playing as he plays his sympath card. He is in deep **** at home and needs somebody to tell him it's not his fault. Please tell him he's a poor excuse for a man!

 

Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

 

Gentlegirl

[nonamefornow]

Oh God I feel like I've set myself 20 paces back!! I am easing myself back into work this week (without his presence) and am on phased return for a month. He's been texting today re his counselling and I've given very short replies to his long texts. In the last hour I couldn't withold my anger (telling me when usually his wife and he reconcile, there are big hugs, big kisses) but today, though emotional, he only gave her a hug! Then she begged him to sleep in the marital bed!

 

F**k I let go....I know I'm being silly but asked how much she'd beg if she knew what had happened between us? (She only knows of some 'suggestive' FB messages - from him) but nowhere near the extent. ATM I am so tempted but I'm angry - hopefully I'll sleep on it and see how silly I'm being (for my own benefit, not his) but ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

[wannabdone]

Oh God I feel like I've set myself 20 paces back!! I am easing myself back into work this week (without his presence) and am on phased return for a month. He's been texting today re his counselling and I've given very short replies to his long texts. In the last hour I couldn't withold my anger (telling me when usually his wife and he reconcile, there are big hugs, big kisses) but today, though emotional, he only gave her a hug! Then she begged him to sleep in the marital bed!

 

F**k I let go....I know I'm being silly but asked how much she'd beg if she knew what had happened between us? (She only knows of some 'suggestive' FB messages - from him) but nowhere near the extent. ATM I am so tempted but I'm angry - hopefully I'll sleep on it and see how silly I'm being (for my own benefit, not his) but ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

 

 

HOLD UP JUST A MINUTE. Let me get this straight. So this happened and then he texted you and told you that they hugged, but she wanted to f***????? Are you freaking kidding me??????

 

Don't you see he is TRYING and succeeding, I might add to hurt you??? And to spike that anger and compeitive streak in you?????? Who does that when they love someone????

 

OMH..... this guy is a completely douche bag....I'm sorry. But my lord.

[woinlove]

Thanks all for your replies. He's told me today the counsellor told him he needs to deal with the issue of drinking first and foremost and is not able to make any other decisions until this is done.

 

When he has abstained from alcohol, I'm sure his M will inevitably repair itself, as the issue causing the problems (since he won't admit contact with me!) will be knocked on the head. Said he discussed with the counsellor that these problems in his M have been building up for 20yrs but again, counsellor feels he's not ready to deal with anything other than quitting drinking.

 

He's still insisting he is so comfortable with me and can talk to me more easily than 'her', I'm his best friend and soul mate. The evidence I see before me though is that he continues to live with her and the volatility, swinging between periods of greatness and complete calm and blow ups! I KNOW I need to let go of this and move on for my own sanity and just regret the time I've wasted over the course of half of this year listening to his crap when I've been trying to deal with my own problems!

 

Thanks again for your input

 

Please don't spend another moment now, thinking of regretting the time you've wasted. Just resolve to do your very best to not have to regret tomorrow or the next day or the day after. You can move toward the life you want and every day you do that is a day filled with nothing to regret. What is done is done, but the rest of today and beyond is still to happen and it is up to you. Do you want to regret tomorrow? No way!!

[cavedweller]

nonamefornow,

 

If you guys are 'soul mates' tell him to move out and file for a divorce..Then you two can be together.

 

my 2 cents

[fooled once]

Why do you keep engaging with him?

 

Why do you keep the contact? You stated you asked for NC and he disrespected your request and contacted you. Does it not bother you at all that he has no respect for you? Does it bother you that he thinks you give a crap about HIS marriage and how it is going or not going?

 

You must still have hope because you continue to engage him in conversations.

 

Until you decide you are no longer his therapist, his fall back plan, his plan B you will continue this rollercoaster.

 

Please - for your OWN mental health (which he seems to not give a crap about); tell him to STOP contacting you. You cannot control what he does (and if he again contacts you after you telling him not to - which again shows how little he respects you) but YOU can control what YOU do. If you want out; stop responding. If you want out, stop engaging with him.

 

If you want to hang on because just maybe some day he might be free (and I firmly believe this will only be because his wife has enough of him and kicks him out, whereby you "win" him by default) then continue this secret relationship. I am stunned that he cannot see what is going on with you mentally and I cannot believe you continue to engage with him knowing full well that you are having emotional issues with dealing with him. That really concerns me You shouldn't have to avoid work (unless you are filthy rich and can afford to not work) and be on medication because of a relationship. Maybe you can talk to a counselor about all this?

 

Good luck.

[Gentlegirl]

In view of him telling you that she wants to **** with him... I think he is a sicko.

He's getting a sorry thrill from HURTING THE HELL out of you. He knows exactly what he's doing and it's what I would call sadistic.

He has power over you and loves it.

No wonder you have been depressed.

 

Somehow... stop it!

 

Gentlegirl.