What is my husband doing to us?

[MaryH]

2 months ago my husband came home in a strange mood. After a lot of staring into space and looking pained, he told me he was in love with somebody else and wanted to end our 12 year relationship. This came as a complete shock as we always have had a very strong, loving relationship. He had been working abroad for a number of months, and at the beginning of this year I moved over to join him. Only weeks before his revelation we had booked a trip to the US for my birthday later this year, and had been trying to get tickets to next year’s Olympics. In other words, we were making plans for the future.

 

The person he claims to be in love with is a co-worker, from an office in a neighbouring country. She is a 40 year old (he's 32) who has never had a long-term relationship, and is under pressure from her father to get married and have kids like her siblings.

I knew about her in so far that he had mentioned her a fair few times over the previous months, and 2 months previous to that fateful evening I had found some email correspondence between them that I was not happy with. It was very gushy, and going beyond the friendship my husband claimed he had with her. She called him ‘her special friend’ and signed off with ‘all my love’.

After confronting him about the mails he was in tears, on his knees telling me that I was the one he wanted to be with, and that he understood that he overstepped the mark in this friendship. He promised to back off from her. I had no reason to doubt him, he had never done anything to betray my trust and we both put it down to an error of judgement. I asked him periodically about it, and he told me that he was no longer communicating with her other than on work related issues.

 

But less than 2 months later, he claimed that he no longer loved me, and wanted to be with her. I tried to persuade him to take some time away from it all, and he booked a week's holiday by himself to think things through. We also decided that, in order to give him the space he said he needed, I would move back to our house in our home country. I had to give up my job, and leave our 2 cats behind but I thought it would provide him with the time and space needed to sort this out.

 

We agreed that we would give it until the end of the year to see how he felt and what he wanted, and for him to go and see a counsellor to help him understand his feelings. He agreed to, and told his co-worker he wanted to return to a purely professional relationship with her, with no outside phone or email contact.

 

One week after I returned to our home country he had to go to the office where she worked for a couple of days. He had told me he would do the work via video conferencing, but instead he flew out there, and stayed on to spend the weekend with her. I was unaware of this (he told me he was going to spend the weekend on the town with his mate) and found out the following week because the airline he flew with lost his bag, and they rang our house to follow up on the complaint.

I was shocked and dumbfounded. I could not believe to level of duplicity, deceit and betrayal he was inflicting, he is normally such a straight-up, honest guy. He had told me throughout that he had no dealings with her outside of their working relationship, but it was clear he had been pulling the wool over my eyes. He never intended to stay away from her.

I rang him and told him I knew, and how hurt I felt. He said he wasn't thinking, and he had only had dinner with her and hadn't slept with her. As if that justified anything. He said he would be happy to go back and stick to the agreement we had, and back off from her.

 

A couple of weeks or so later he flew over for our annual family get-together and told me that he did not want to continue with the trial separation, he wanted to finish with me for good. We spent a long time talking, and time and time again he said he did not do it because of his feelings for her, he was doing it for himself. He said he was not going to start a (physical) relationship with her, promised me had no intention of doing so but I did not believe him.

 

Coincidentally, leading up to and during the weekend he spent at home and with his family, I received up to 8 hang-up calls every night from a foreign number. I told him about this but he was adamant it was not her, as he did not think she has our home number. Immediately after that weekend, the calls stopped. Personally, I find the timing highly suspicious but I have no hard evidence. The phone company told me I needed to go to the police in order to have the calls traced, but since they came from a foreign number it's out of their jurisdiction anyway so there's not much they could do.

Nevertheless, I am as sure as I can be that the calls came from her. I do find it worrying though, for what 40 year old person would engage in such immature behaviour? Is my husband involved with some unhinged nutcase? Is this why she's never had a lasting relationship?

And sure enough, a week later he flew over again to spend the weekend with her. It seems like he’s trying to justify to himself that by ending things with me, it’s now okay to get involved with her but as far as I’m concerned it is still cheating as we are married.

 

I am now not really in contact with my husband. After finding out that he, yet again, had lied to me and got involved with her straight away, I subsequently found out through our joint frequent flyer account he will be spending what should be our wedding anniversary with her. I am not prepared to let myself get hurt by his lies over and over again, and want no part in his life as long as he is involved with her. It seems as though he’s living in some sort of fantasy, where his actions and consequences mean little or nothing to him. He appears to be completely void of any loyalty and empathy for me and what we built and shared over the past 12 years. And there is a startling lack of guilt over his actions and behaviour. I find what I see hard to reconcile with the person I have known and loved for so long. It is so unlike him to behave is such a reckless and callous way.

I wonder if he is going through some sort of emotional crisis, and that his affair is just an escape. He’s never been very talkative about his feelings; it’s not something they do in his family. He did tell me he feels like he has no one to talk to, especially now that I can no longer act as his sounding board. This was one of the reasons I suggested counselling, but I do not know if he is still doing that. But without it, how will he ever untangle the mess he’s making?

Edited September 15, 2011 by MaryH
Pasting font names.

[Ballerfamily]

you are an honest, loyal, loving spouse...that is why it is so hard to understand....he is in a fog, and as long as they are together he will remain in that fog for the time being...its mind blowing...we can't understand how they can act like this...nothing he says or does means anything...do not take it to heart...questions for you....will you wait for the fog to lift? is he worth it with the new baggage? leave him alone, he will be back prolly sooner then later, especially if you 180 him...now the fight between heart and brain...he is no longer the pure, innoncent man you married...

 

let the brain win...it will save you time and alot of pain and heartache...they aren't worth it...they are broken, messed up people...it will always be a temptation for them...I will not live my life wondering...I have things to do an experience...it will never be the same...he is gone...its worse being around them then lonely on your own...believe me, it hurts the same, but eventually the sun smiles at you again...you will go to the gutter because you lost your man...but you won't stay there long if you leave him alone...trust me on this

 

for you especially, on Dday, he gas lighted you more, and continued the betrayal and deceit....that is a bad sign as far as reconcilation goes...most men, when caught, usually tuck there tails and behave for awhile at least...he did not...he is gone..im so sorry

Edited September 15, 2011 by Ballerfamily

[PhoenixRise]

I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to focus on you and building a life you can love for yourself alone.

 

I know this hurts. I know it is hard.

 

But right now your husband is on a romantic high and he can't see anything past that.

 

You can't spend your time and energy worrying about wheather or not he is seeing a therapist or how he will untangle the mess he is making. He doesn't think he is making a mess and you will not be able to make him see otherwise. As far as he is concerned, right now, he is in a Win Win situation. On the one hand he has his relationship with the OW which he believes will make him happy and on the off chance that the OW doesn't work out he has you. Waiting. Wanting him back. Win Win.

 

Start creating a happy life without him. I know it hurts (believe me I know) to have to re-imagine your life without your spouse/partner, but you have to do it.

 

Figure out where YOU want to live then do that without regard to what will make his life easier.

 

See a lawyer and find out your legal rights in a divorce. Tell your spouse you are filing the papers because if he is riding off into the sunset with OW then you need to get on with your life.

 

Don't let him treat you like you are optional.

Don't let him take for granted that you will be there with open arms when/if he comes back.

 

Good Luck

[MaryH]

Many thanks for your comments so far. Just to clarify, I have already done exactly as you suggested; as soon as I moved back to our marital home (we were in a rented place abroad) I adopted a little cat, started seeing a counselor to help me cope with the emotional termoil I found myself in, and started to look into activities I like. And landed a fab new job, which is a great help and distraction.

I only have a small circle of friends, and due to having relocated from abroad to be with him 12 years ago, no family of mine around. His family are pretty supportive but equally at a loss as to his behaviour. They were all very surprised as they thought we had a very solid marriage. And for obvious reasons, they don't want to take sides.

I do not call, text or email him, and don't intend to do so unless of major importance. He has emailed and rang me a few times but I tend to not answer.

Though I am doing alright by myself now, it is hard not to worry about his metal state and the consequences of his actions as they will impact me and my future life. I am not one to give up easily, after all, we've had 12 fab years together. But also do not allow being treated like a doormat. I guess I'm just looking for answers to what went wrong...and maybe how to try to salvage things.

[Mutant Debutante]

I don't have any advice, but that's awful. I'm sorry.

[whichwayisup]

Look after yourself and focus on you. Right now he's in a complete affair fog, and isn't thinking clearly. He's caught up in the whirlwinds of lust and crush like feelings, things he hasn't felt in years.. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he does! He just is very attached to this OW and what he feels for her is intense and magnified since it is an affair.

 

There's nothing you can do right now, trying to woo him back or convince him he's making a mistake is pointless..he needs to figure this out on his own, and it may be something he'll regret one day, leaving and wanting to pursue this OW.

Tough lesson and hard consquences, but that's for HIM to deal with and suffer through, not you.

 

Sorry you're hurting though, he's an idiot for doing this to you.

[Spark1111]

You sound like such a wonderful, warm and caring spouse.

 

He's being an idiot right now, so it's time to stop all your warm, caring and wonderful ways.

 

Get angry; angry enough to file for divorce, liquidate assets, and start moving on with or without him.

 

Focus on you. Ship his stuff back, change the locks.

 

You deserve a loving, considerate partner who puts you first and respects you enough not to lie and gaslight you.

 

I'm so sorry you are here. You seem to be doing everything right. Stay strong.....

[Snowflower]

Though I am doing alright by myself now, it is hard not to worry about his metal state and the consequences of his actions as they will impact me and my future life. I am not one to give up easily, after all, we've had 12 fab years together. But also do not allow being treated like a doormat. I guess I'm just looking for answers to what went wrong...and maybe how to try to salvage things.

 

 

Mary, it sounds like you are doing everything right! (((hugs))) because I know this is very hard.

 

The best advice I can give is detach, detach, detach from him! His mental state and the consequences of his actions will be for him to bear alone.

 

I recognize a lot of my feelings in what you write when my H did something similar. I also had a hard time detaching. After all, this man had always shared his problems and feelings with me before and allowed me to help...now suddenly he was a stranger and I didn't know him anymore. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to deal with.

 

He will feel the consequences of his actions...in ways you may never know about. I believe you can't do such a horrific thing to someone who loves you-without receiving some type of consequences eventually. Not karma exactly, but he might regret the mess he has made of his life.

 

It sounds like you are doing well though and congrats on the new job! Focus on your job and yourself and you will get through this.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry you find yourself here. The pain will be your companion for a little while. Use it as a motivator to taking care of you and moving forward.

[jthorne]

But without it, how will he ever untangle the mess he’s making?

First, I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. To answer your question, he won't. I don't know how many times I have made this exact same point in my tenure here at LS. He simply won't. And whatever stuff he's got now, he takes where ever he goes, be it with you or somewhere else.

 

Like other's on this thread have advised, please take care of you. That includes protecting yourself financially.

[NXS]

I'm just wondering about this:

 

She is a 40 year old (he's 32) who has never had a long-term relationship, and is under pressure from her father to get married and have kids like her siblings.

 

and this:

 

as soon as I moved back to our marital home (we were in a rented place abroad) I adopted a little cat

 

Do you have children? Is it an issue with you both?

[MaryH]

No, we haven't got any kids, by choice. Neither of us ever wanted any. This has never been an issue in our relationship, we both felt like this from the start and it hasn't changed over the years.

[Woman In Blue]

Nevertheless, I am as sure as I can be that the calls came from her. I do find it worrying though, for what 40 year old person would engage in such immature behaviour? Is my husband involved with some unhinged nutcase? Is this why she's never had a lasting relationship?

LOL...you'd be amazed at the lengths to which OW lower themselves for their married boyfriends. ESPECIALLY those who are being 'pressured' by mommy and daddy to snag a man and start spitting out the kids like this one is. She sounds positively pitiful. Since she's 40 and STILL hasn't managed to land a man, perhaps the dowry her parents are offering potential suitors should be upped by a few more goats and perhaps a camel? Pathetic.

 

I subsequently found out through our joint frequent flyer account he will be spending what should be our wedding anniversary with her.

Just for sh*its and giggles, I'd go ahead and cancel that airline reservation for him. You have my permission. LOL..this guy is such a complete dumbass, turning himself inside out for some 40 year old desperate woman who couldn't snag herself a single guy so she had to start hunting in the married pool. They SO deserve each other.

 

But without it, how will he ever untangle the mess he’s making?

Just give him enough rope to hang himself. Sooner or later he'll realize what a little bi*tch he's been acting like but by then, it'll be too late and you won't WANT his sorry ass back.

[country_gurl]

LOL...you'd be amazed at the lengths to which OW lower themselves for their married boyfriends. ESPECIALLY those who are being 'pressured' by mommy and daddy to snag a man and start spitting out the kids like this one is. She sounds positively pitiful. Since she's 40 and STILL hasn't managed to land a man, perhaps the dowry her parents are offering potential suitors should be upped by a few more goats and perhaps a camel? Pathetic.

 

 

Just for sh*its and giggles, I'd go ahead and cancel that airline reservation for him. You have my permission. LOL..this guy is such a complete dumbass, turning himself inside out for some 40 year old desperate woman who couldn't snag herself a single guy so she had to start hunting in the married pool. They SO deserve each other.

 

 

Just give him enough rope to hang himself. Sooner or later he'll realize what a little bi*tch he's been acting like but by then, it'll be too late and you won't WANT his sorry ass back.

 

Well said!

 

I too suggest that Mary cancel their airline reservation (perhaps the day before they're due to fly).

 

It's strange to me that the OW is being pressure by her Ma and Pa to get hitched and pop out children yet she's with a man who doesn't want kids.

[MaryH]

Thanks for the advise regarding canceling his airline reservation, but I will not allow myself to stoop to that sort of level. I aim leave my dignity intact no matter what.