heartbroken

[lolpol]

I'm writing to you for some advice, as I have very few people that I can turn to in relation to my current 'situation'.

 

background:

I met my 'soul mate' 4 years ago. we were perfect together. no problems at all. 100% trust. when i first met him, 1 guy who cared for me warned me off him, saying he was a lady's man. however, i knew from day 1 that he had fallen for me big time & knew he wouldn't hurt me. he proposed May 2010. We married in april this year.

 

I am always commented on for my natural beauty (i'm not trying to be big headed). I get male attention all the time, but I don't like it. its not wanted attention if you know what i mean. I never react to it, i always ignor it. people always say i am radient & never seen without a smile. The smile was because I was happy. genually 100% happy. I thought my life was perfect. I thought my man was perfect and that i was being a good partner to him. he is very attractive also, and he gets lots of female attention, which he loves. (we are different in that way). i simply felt proud to be with him. proud that he had chosen me to settle down with & become his wife. I work, earn a good income & we socialise together have lovely holidays, live for the weekend. We don't 'party' we go out for drinks and meals, cinema, quiet nights in. Neither of us go clubbing. we are both in our early 30's.

 

I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago, which is great and what me & my husband both wanted. But unfortunately I can't be happy because I discovered something else too. I found out that he had done something he shouldn't have. He'd been texting with an ex 'fling' (the fling happened before he met me, so I don't mind that bit), but the texting was the worst kind you can imagine. Of a sexual nature, and pictures exchanged also. The girl involved is very standard looking (i'm not being shallow or trying to big myself up)

 

its so hard for me to admit all of this, because it hurts so much and I even feel ashamed that somethin like this has happened to me. but i realise now that if I want someone to help me get over it, they need to know the truth. It happened all last year, (started january 2010 and ended Nov 2010). They talked about meeting up on the 'sly' but they never did because apparently 'he was only ever available on a very limited basis' (did he make his excuses?? I hold that hope) They only met up once, in November 2010 when they bumped into each other on a night out and she (the girl involved) says nothing happened on that night because she had a new boyfriend. My husband says nothing happend on that night because when he saw her in the flesh (after over 4 years) it dawned on him what was happening and he decided to end it.

 

I discovered all this by texting a suspicious number on my husbands phone and pretending that I was him.

 

you know how upset and hurt, betrayed, shocked (and so on) that I must be feeling right now, so I don't need to explain any of that to you.

 

My husband is devostated. he doesn't know why he did it and he hates himself. he begs me to give him another chance. which i intend to do. (why should i change my whole life plan, ruin my unborn baby's life, for something we are totally innocent in). I've only been married 5 months!!! I can't believe what is happening to me. WHY????

He says that he is going to prove himself to me. he admits being an idiot. he cried his eyes out when he saw what he had done to me. he says that in the future, i might look back on this and see it as a good thing because he will make my future perfect.

 

We both want to give it another go, but I am struggling.

 

I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I feel like i can't breath when I get the visions in my head.

 

we had no problems last year. everything was perfect. he proposed and we planned our wedding and future. this makes it all worse for me because i think if he can do it when everything is perfect, what kind of future do I have with him? he also fully knew my views on cheating and always assured me he would never hurt me. he's hurt me in the most possible way.

 

please be gentle with your advice. i'm very emotional and fragile right now. I dont want you to tell me to leave him, he'll never change etc. I'd like to hear from people who have been through similar situations & managed to get through it.

 

Thank you in advance for your help. sorry if my writing is a bit scatty. I'm still a bit shakey..

[Quiet Storm]

I am not going to tell you to leave him, but I will be honest with you.

 

I think your H does love you, but you aren't enough to fill his need for variety.

 

You were warned early on that he is a ladies man. These types of men often do settle down and love their wives, but their appetite for variety does not just disappear because they are married. Like you said, everything was perfect, so his cheating is not a reflection on you or the status of your marriage.

 

It has nothing to do with you. A woman can be everything her husband ever wanted in a woman, but if he craves novelty and variety, those urges won't stop (they may dwindle as he ages), even if he finds his perfect woman. You can't morph into a new and different woman, and he understands this. He doesn't talk to his wife about this because he knows that it has nothing to do with her, it's all him.

 

Can he change? Yes and no. I doubt if his desire for variety will ever go away, but he can learn to control it and not act on it.

 

His reaction to your discovery tells me that he does love you and doesn't want to lose you. He is most likely what we call a "cake eater", a man who wants his marriage AND other women, too.

 

And OW's looks don't matter. Many times MM have beautiful wives and cheat with someone much less attractive. When married men are looking to cheat, they pursue women who they think will be willing to cheat with them. Usually women with low self esteem, because they willingly accept less than they deserve from a man. It's not about how hot she is, but how easy she is.

 

How do you get through it? Take care of yourself the best you can. Try to eat, even if it's just small meals throughout the day. Drink a lot of water. Focus on you and your baby.

 

I'd tell him he needs to get counseling to help him learn proper boundaries. I'd tell him that this cannot happen again. He should be transparent with his phone, facebook, passwords etc. so that he can begin to earn your trust.

 

Again, I am not telling you to leave him, but be realistic. Realize that this probably won't be an isolated incident, and you will likely have suspicions, missing blocks of time.

 

Realize that his desire is to stay married to you, and that because of this he may not be truthful about his attraction to others. Many men like this fear their wife's reaction if they are honest.

 

One incident can be worked through, but keep your eyes and ears open for future incidents. Pay attention to your gut feelings, and call him out on anything that doesn't sound right.

 

Make sure he lets you vent to him and get your feelings out. He may say "It didn't mean anything" to him, which may be true for him, but not for you. Don't let him push you into "getting over it". He needs to realize that he hurt you and it's up to him to help you heal. He should be willing to do whatever you need right now.

 

(((lolpol)))

[casuallyconfused]

Of course since your pregnant and he seems to be remorseful...Id say to do your best to work it out. Maybe counseling will help to work past this because at some point you will have to learn to trust him again. You may not ever forget, but you can forgive.

 

You will also eat again and must for the baby. Eat something. You will also stop crying.

Ive been cheated on and i know it doesnt feel good right now. You didnt do it and have nothing to be ashamed about. Mad, yes.

 

I think he needs to learn to deal with attention from other women. You both are still young and im sure that maybe just settling down got to him because your more quiet now in your lifestyle. Im not making excuses, but he needs to do what he can to make you feel better. Right now you are very fragile. I pray things work out and once your beautiful baby is here it will all be worth it.

[lolpol]

Thank you two so very much for getting back to me with very comforting and kind replies. I know you speak sense. I'll try everything that you have recommended... I feel a tiny bit better today. I've been bombarded with flowers, chocolates, cards (with lots of kind words in) from my husband. He so wants to make it better, I can see it in his eyes. He says his punishment is seeing me in bits the day i found out and gradually discovered more. He says that that image will haunt him for the rest of his life and will also be a reminder to him of what his selfish behaviour can do. For this reason, he says he will never ever do it again.

He suggested having my name tattooed on his wedding finger, so that if i worry he may take his ring off, my name will be there anyway. Haha. This idea actually made me smile a tiny bit.

He has also put a screensaver on his phone of me in my wedding dress..again so that if i thought he might get his phone out to do something sinister, he will see my face and this will remind him of his life with me.

I'm willing to give it all a try.

I suggested councelling (for me - to get over this sadness/jelousy) and he doesn't want me to do that. he says he wants to fix what he has broken. I said that i'll give it a go and if i feel so sad in a few months time, i'll reconsider my thoughts about councelling.

Thank you again. I was worried that people on here might just tell me to leave him, he's a rat, he'll never change etc. But its something I can't do. I've only been married (to what I feel is my soulmate) for 5 months and have only just found out i'm pregnant. I therefore can't cope with it all ending now.

I believe people deserve second chances. However, i'll make it clear that I don't believe in third chances.

Thank you

[olddouche]

I was a ladies man for a long time before I fell in love. Actually I was more of a giant douchebag than a ladies man.

 

This guy sounds like he made a mistake that he really regrets, and deserves a second chance.

 

He was just flirting with the idea of having sex with someone else. This ties to his fantasies which all men have. He did step over the line.... He really shouldn't have texted with that slutty home-wrecker and I'm sure he realizes that now.

 

Fantasies are healthy and everyone has them... I think its unrealistic to never flirt or fantasize in a long-term relationship. But crossing the line and acting on attractions outside your marriage is wrong.

 

Forgive him and move on with the awesome life ahead of you but, let him have it for awhile. Even though you love him you need to show him how hurt you are.

 

I have had big problems with my partner and the thing that really hit me hard is when she would refuse to be intimate with me. Don't push him away too much, just give him the couch for a couple nights.

 

Make him feel the pain because it will imprint on his memory and he will be less likely to slip up again.

[olddouche]

good luck!!

 

This link helped me when freaking out:

Edited September 16, 2011 by olddouche

[country_gurl]

Thank you two so very much for getting back to me with very comforting and kind replies. I know you speak sense. I'll try everything that you have recommended... I feel a tiny bit better today. I've been bombarded with flowers, chocolates, cards (with lots of kind words in) from my husband. He so wants to make it better, I can see it in his eyes. He says his punishment is seeing me in bits the day i found out and gradually discovered more. He says that that image will haunt him for the rest of his life and will also be a reminder to him of what his selfish behaviour can do. For this reason, he says he will never ever do it again.

He suggested having my name tattooed on his wedding finger, so that if i worry he may take his ring off, my name will be there anyway. Haha. This idea actually made me smile a tiny bit.

He has also put a screensaver on his phone of me in my wedding dress..again so that if i thought he might get his phone out to do something sinister, he will see my face and this will remind him of his life with me.

I'm willing to give it all a try.

I suggested councelling (for me - to get over this sadness/jelousy) and he doesn't want me to do that. he says he wants to fix what he has broken. I said that i'll give it a go and if i feel so sad in a few months time, i'll reconsider my thoughts about councelling.

Thank you again. I was worried that people on here might just tell me to leave him, he's a rat, he'll never change etc. But its something I can't do. I've only been married (to what I feel is my soulmate) for 5 months and have only just found out i'm pregnant. I therefore can't cope with it all ending now.

I believe people deserve second chances. However, i'll make it clear that I don't believe in third chances.

Thank you

 

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. As you're now pregnant, you have to really take good care of yourself, for your sake and the sake of your unborn baby, as I'm sure you know.

 

I hope my comments don't upset you but I feel they need to be made:

 

1. All of the flowers, cards, chocolates and "things" in the world (as a way of showing you he's sorry) are "nice" but they are just things. "Things" don't rebuild broken trust.

 

2. His suggestion of having your name tattoed on his ring finger is a bit much, if you ask me. There are plenty of women on this planet who would very easily be willing to have a fling with a married guy, even if they know he's married (some actually prefer married men because they get the fun and excitement without having to make any commitment)....so a ring or tattoo aren't necessarily going to stop anything.

 

3. Him putting a pic of you in your wedding dress as the screensaver on his phone is touching but if he's claiming to have done this so that it will hopefully prevent him from "doing something sinister", that's not all that reassuring if you ask me. His desire to be faithful to you should be deeply instilled and have no bearing on whether he has a picture of you to 'keep him on track.' He shouldn't be so weak and at risk of straying that he needs a picture of you to keep him faithful; the love and respect he has for you should already be enough.

 

4. It's a HUGE red flag to me, the fact that he's unwilling to go for marriage counseling and that he thinks that you 2 together can just 'fix what's broken.' That's absurd. You've only been married a mere 5 months and he's already cheated on you; you have a baby on the way. If this wasn't a time for some professional marriage counseling, I don't know what would be. You need a trained professional who can work with you both to get at the ROOT CAUSE of what's caused him to do this and you need to get doing it ASAP because going through pregnancy and the hormone surges that go with it are going to cause you to be all over the place anyway, nevermind mind adding to that that you're now dealing with this painful realization. Marriage counseling should not even be an OPTION, it's a MUST....and you should seriously be putting your foot down that it's an absolute REQUIREMENT and a NON-NEGOTIABLE. I can't stress this enough. You deserve this and your unborn child deserves this.

 

LASTLY and most importantly, I would INSIST that both of you be tested for ALL STDs; including HPV and Herpes (blood test for the latter, and you have to specifically ask for this, the blood test for Herpes is not just part of a standard STD panel). If he was to have passed on an STD to you, if you're unaware then it could also be transmitted to your unborn child and cause serious health/developmental issues. I can't stress this enough. Even if you don't "think" they were physical or he denies that they were or you're pretty sure from the texts that they weren't --- you have to be 110% CERTAIN.

Edited September 17, 2011 by country_gurl

[lolpol]

I've started eating, sleeping and stopped crying. Its been 11 days since I discovered the above. 18 days since I discovered I'm pregnant. Unfortunately I have started with complications and we are both worried for the baby. I have been booked in for an early pregnancy scan to make sure everything is ok as I have been losing blood for 3 days now. It just another blow, but its taking my mind off the 'other' thing. My husband is distraught, blaming himself for bringing this on me. I'm booked in for the scan on Thursday. fingers crossed.

 

Thank you country gurl. I felt that your message was a bit negative. Without sounding too optimistic, I do think that my husband suggested these things as he just wanted to be doing something physical to make me feel better. I know that they are all material things and that the changes need to come from the head and heart. However they are shows of affection, to let me know he will do anythin to make things better. I spoke to him again about the councelling thing and he agrees that if I need it in a few weeks/months that he will support me and he will also go along too if needed. I also told him that if he feels he needs a bit of variety when it comes to women, he needs to speak to me or seek some help if he wants us to work. I am realistic and told him that if he gets urges to go to other women again, he has to leave me because he is wrong for me. He is better off single and I am better of without him if that is the case. We'll see..

 

Thank you olddouche. Its actually nice to hear from a guy on things like this. I'd love to hear from more men who have left their old ways behind. Do they really do this?? Can they?? I truely hope so.

[Afishwithabike]

I'll tell you the story of my friend. She is tall, good looking, has the body of a fashion model (not kidding about this. She is slim and tall like someone you see on a fashion runway). She's also very well educated and has a job of her own. Her husband cheated during the first year of marriage right around the time she had their child. He begged forgiveness. She gave him a second chance. They didn't have any counseling. She did everything she could think of to make him happy thinking some how that his cheating was her fault. Fast forward ten years, she finds out that he has been cheating on her again and this time he had been cheating for six years! He lied so well. She didn't discover it. He confessed out of guilt. After the first incident of cheating, he became very good at hiding it and taking it undercover.

 

Cheating during the first five months of marriage is bad. I'm sorry to say this to you, but it's not a good sign for a long-term, successful marriage. The first few years are supposed to be your honeymoon period when you're so carefree and happy. You haven't been tested by the problems of life like the stress of several children, problems at work, arguments with relatives, bills to be paid. It's not right for a married man to cheat when he's in his 50s, but that is more understandable than someone who cheats right off the bat in what seems like a happy marriage.

 

Not getting counseling is a bad idea. Even my friend now says it was bad of them not to get outside professional help. They never discovered the root causes of his infidelity. If you are going to make this marriage work, you will need to get counseling otherwise I fear you'll be back here with another tale of woe regarding your husband's infidelity.

 

He's a good liar as you know. If you hadn't discovered his texts and sexy photos, you would have thought he wasn't cheating. So when he says he's sorry and he won't do it again, you need to remind yourself that his man is very capable of saying one thing to you and doing another. I'm not saying that to hurt you, but to remind you not to be naive and gullible.

[lolpol]

Thank you 'afishwithabike'. I appreciate your contact.

 

My Husband hasn't cheated since we got married (I don't think anyway).. We got married in April 2011, but I found out that he had done the text thing from January 2010 to November 2010. So it stopped 5 months before we got married. However I still take on your advice because I think that even though we weren't married last year, we were planning our wedding. He proposed to me during the time he was texting her. He says it was a friendship to start with, but because they had a bit of history together, it became inappropriate after about 4 months of casual chat.

 

Now that it has been a few weeks since the discovery I see everything from a different angle.

 

I just really don't know what to do. I love him so much and he loves me too.

 

He has added guilt now because I've had a miscarriage. He blames himself and to be honest I'm quite happy that he feels that way, even though it could have been a natural cause.

 

We are hoping to start trying for a baby again in a few months. He wants it so desparately.

 

I have up days and down days. He loves it when its an 'up' day. But he gets angry now when I have a down day. He says I'm dragging it out and trying to dig further.

 

I'm so scared that there may have been another one (another secret girl or something). I've remembered that there was a text message came through his phone in the middle of the night one night last year. It was from a girl, and it was just a blank text. At the time I thougth it strange, and quizzed him about it, but he said it must be a mistake on her part. Now I don't know how to find out. He has deleted every girl's phone numbe from his phone so I can't enquire with the number.

 

I just really don't know what to do. I can't see my future without him. I'm so gutted that I may not actually know him at all.

 

Is your friend and her husband still together? are they working through it *again??? I feel really sorry for her

[blueskyday]

Oh, I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby...Please accept a warm virtual hug at this moment..

 

Please go to counseling. Even if it's just you. You are grieving the loss of the baby, as well as the marriage you thought you had. And yes, it is a requirement for you to stay in this marriage that HE goes to therapy with you as well.

 

You have leverage to make this happen. He should be doing everything possible to let you have control here and to prove that he willing to put you first. Demand it. Require it. You have no chance without finding out the basis for his cheating and fixing those reasons, which have nothing to do with you. Honestly, walk if he won't go to therapy. It shows he is still about himself, and not you. Ignoring your best interests led him to cheat in the first place.

 

I've been through this. My ex fiance cheated on me during our first year together. You are more than likely wanting to make it work no matter what. I was in the state of wanting to preseve our connection...at first...and then the rage kicked in, and then the depression, etc...all the stages of grief.

 

A few things to keep in mind. A cheater doesn't tell all. They tell what they HAVE to. No worries that he deleted his phone numbers. Go look at your cell phone bill. All numbers will be there. Look for numbers called over and over again, especially at night when he leaves work, or in the morning when he goes to work.

 

He may not be in a place where he can tell the whole truth yet. Therapy will help with that, and you can't begin to fix anything until he is completely forthcoming about everything. That requires bravery on his part, but don't feel sorry for him. He needs to man up. You can't begin to trust him again until he is honest.

 

Above all, kick his a$$ out for a while, if you feel you can. You need time to heal and feel safe while he fixes his crap. Then he can come back and you can rebuild slowly.

 

Don't cling to him because you lost the baby. I hope you have family and friends who are safe people for you to count on. You can grieve with your ex, but watch out. He has hurt you. Be careful with your heart. He hasn't been a good care-taker of it, or you.

 

Please keep posting here so we know how you are...

Edited October 4, 2011 by blueskyday

[Lucky_One]

I am incredibly sorry for your miscarriage. It is a very hard thing to lose a baby; I have had 3. But I also have a fantastic teenaged son, and whenever I think of the miscarriages (which is not often at all), I remember that I would not have had HIM had the first pregnancies gone to term. Things happen for a reason, even though they break our hearts at the time. (((((lolpol)))))

 

I know your H doesn't want you to have counseling, but I honestly think that between the cheating and the miscarriage that it would do you much good to have a neutral party to talk to.

 

Back to issue at hand....

 

He says his punishment is seeing me in bits the day i found out and gradually discovered more.

 

Why did you have to discover more gradually? Did he lie about this when you confronted him? What made you 1) look at his phone and 2) text an unknown number and 3) who told you that it ended in Nov 2010 and 4) what did the girl reply to "his" text? I would never ever text an unknown number in my H's phone; it could be a business contact or a friend, and I have no reason to not trust him anyway.

[lolpol]

Hi Luckyone..

 

In reply to your questions:

 

Why did you have to discover more gradually? Did he lie about this when you confronted him? - Yes, the day I found out, I phoned him at work in tears and told him I was unwell. He came straight home and found me in a state. He thought something was wrong pregnancy wise, but I told him I had had a text from a girl. He denied it to start with, but then when i said i would ring her to seek clarification, he said she was a friend who he had been chatting with - nothing more. However a day or so later I didn't think things added up, so I checked his phone bills again (more thoroughly) and realised that pictures were exchanged. I therefore sent a text to the number again saying 'remember the pictures we sent' and she replied saying 'oh yes, very well, and the way we described everything we would do to each other' etc etc..

 

What made you 1) look at his phone - I was using his phone to ring my own phone one day when i had misplaced it.. I was scrolling through to get to my number when I noticed a phone number saved under the letter 'b'. I immediately said who is 'b'?? he said he didn't know. Which made me wonder.. I can't explain it but I just knew. It was my gut instinct I suppose. He had lots of numbers of girls etc in his phone (past gf's and just friends) which I wasn't bothered about because I trusted him. However, something made me suspicious about this one.

 

and 2) text an unknown number - as above really. I left it for a while but it kept coming into my mind. So one day I decided I needed to get to the bottom of it for my own piece of mind. I rang the number first, by witholding my number & a female answered and I just hung up. (I did this because if it had been a man's voice, I would have left it there, mind at ease). I also checked the phone bills and saw the number occur regular between Jan 10 & Noveber 10. A week or so later I plucked up the courage to text the number from my own phone, saying this is my new number & signed it from him.

 

and 3) who told you that it ended in Nov 2010 - i knew it ended in Nov 2010 because that is when the phone bill stops showing the number. Also, once I told the girl that it was really his wife, she admitted everything to me and said she was sorry.

 

and 4) what did the girl reply to "his" text? - when she thought it was him, she just said stuff like oh not heard from you for ages, how are you? etc. My texts were v brief, but she became very flirty and mentioned meeting up. I said I'm very busy, and she said 'thats a shame'. After she told me about the 'inappropriate' texts I confessed that I was his wife, not him...