Need some reassurance

[carnut2013]

Well, to make a long story, long here it all is.

 

Met my ex wife back in college back in 2005, things were great, we had fun and what ever. I graduate, move back home, while she was finishing out her degree about a year later. I had some issues while I move back home, but what 23 year old guy has an issue moving back in with his mother. But its ok, I was unsatisfied with my job, got a new one, something I always wanted to do, work for the rail road. She graduates, she moves up to were I was based out of, a good sized metropolitan area, and she goes to her other school she wanted to do, and I was working..... ALOT. But shes ok with it because the checks are huge, and life was pretty peachy. Fast forward another year and we are married in 2008. We move out of our apartment and rent a town home to get a little more space, get another dog. She starts wanting more and more stuff, what ever, the checks are still big and what not. I get furloughed in Nov 24, 2008 and she acts like its not a big deal. She is working and makes very little, so I had to get a job to maintain the bills and her lifestyle that she was accustomed too. Before I know it, she is just asking the world and I try to deliver. The sex is slowing down, and I feel emotionally distant. At this temporary job, I was talking to another girl about marital issues just because I needed to express my self and she was very very nice and supportive. My wife catches wind of all this and flips out. I told her what happened and she still crucifies me. I told her I wanted help and marriage counseling, she said we didn't need it and we can just talk to her parents (WTF?) because they have been married for 30 years. Anyways, moving forward, I get called back to work, and things are OK, the economy hiccuped again, I get cut off for a few months but called right back because of the retirements, but this is all expected. During this time, I have been feeling depressed and go on anti depressants. Later on I was diagnosed with severe depression, and get on stronger medications.

 

Anyways she is being a bitch (whats new) and I am doing some temporary work, and of course one day a bunch of people were talking about marriage issues at the lunch table, and of course, I ask about how to make things better and stuff. Anyways I ended up texting back and forth with a person at work, and she was unhappy too, and we sent a couple of pictures of our genitals back and forth and that is it. She said we need to be clean and tell our spouses or she would tell my wife. I said no, I will tell her and I told her. Again I was crucified (this was to be expected this time). I told her I wanted help and we finally go to a therapist. About 6 weeks later she tells me she wants a divorce and that her family was on their way to pack up the house that we bought in 2009. I get upset and leave to go to my parents house. As I left town, I noticed her family's vehicles are all parked at the gas station.

 

Anyways a little bit about her so you can understand a little. When we bought her a car in 2008 she was like oh well I need to talk to my parents about buying this, and I told her it was unnecessary because we are both adults and can handle this (25 and 26 at the time). It wasn't a huge price (15k). Well they didn't really care for it so what ever. Then the next time I really wanted a new car because mine was getting pretty beat up. So I got what I REALLY REALLY wanted, a 2003 BMW 5 series. Again she was like i need to talk to my parents about this because they know best. Again I told her that it was my car and we are adults. So we ended up with it, and she took it, and stuck me with the car she wanted to begin with but decided my bmw was better. She took it to her mom and dads and they said that it was a dumb decision. She was always going to her mom and dads which was about 2 hours away. And she always wanted me to stay the night. I told her that we are getting a little old to be having sleep overs at mommy and daddys and we can go down for the day, but I think we can sleep at home. And when we were down there, we were catering to what ever her mom wanted done. And her mom controlled her dad.... very badly, he just existed.

 

Me and her mom never really got along, we co existed peacefully though, i wasn't her best buddy, but i was OK with that. Her mom and dad make ALOT of money so they have every thing brand new and new house and new cars and what ever. I got along with her sister OK, but she was also always telling my wife what to do alot or what ever she did was stupid if she didn't think it was correct. Her sisters husband was always picking on my wife to the point of being maliciously mean.The rest of her family were ok, and i got along with them just fine. my wife was always saying you need to open up to my family and learn to tell them every thing, I told her I have a family and mother and I didn't need 2 sets of moms and what ever.

 

Also I happen to be a car nut, a huge car nut, and always liked something to work on. I never blew our life savings on anything, and we all know car hobbies are never cheap, but the bills were always current and there was always money left over. I also have a couple of other hobbies but they are winter indoor hobbies and I like to be outside in the summer. Anyways, she didn't do much other than watch TV. She always said my hobbies were stupid and I didn't need anything like that. She was always killing my hobbies or my dreams. And she was always saying "a wifes job is to tell her husband no". She never cooked and barely cleaned. It was just a very big struggle.

 

Anyways, I just wanted to vent and talk about how she did all this and she cleaned out my house and took EVERY thing and moved back home with her parents. I just have a bed, a dresser, tv and a computer. So in turn, i took all the money out of our savings account and hired a lawyer, he said i did the right thing.

 

But I just wanted to ask... Am i really that bad of a person. I really loved her alot and always took care of her. She had every thing and yet she took it all. I know what I did was wrong but I wanted to make things right... I guess it wasn't good enough. I think her mom made this decision and told her what to do.

 

Thanks guys for listening.

 

Oh I wanted to add our sex life was very dismal. But I never slept with any one else or anything like that. She always claimed that she was insecure with her woman parts (I thought they were fine - I enjoyed them when I got them). She was always making excuses for something. The therapist even said that she was making excuses for herself and myself....

 

I would be happy to contribute for any more if needed.

Edited September 15, 2011 by carnut2013

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Good advertisement for waiting until at least 30 to get married these days.

 

Your wife sounds like she would be happiest lounging around the pool, interspersed with getting a mani/pedi and playing a little tennis at the club while the domestic help took care of the house for her. Not a problem. I know lots of people who live like that. Doesn't sound like you're one of them. Incompatible.

 

No kids, minimal assets, both parties employable. Call it even, draft settlement, sign here. No hard feelings.

[carnut2013]

Thanks. I just still feel like I was the worst person in the marriage. I know i am better off now just alot of pain still.

 

But your right, she is uptown shopping mall and I am neighborhood fun hang out guy. Again I never bought my car as a status symbol... it is just a car I always wanted. She wanted the car for status, otherwise she would have kept her own car.

[carnut2013]

she actually packed up the house, didn't leave me a plate or a fork and went to go live with her mom and dad.

 

I still feel heart broken. and the worst is I feel like im just a loser (i know im not) but that was divorced in 3 years and is under 30.... I just want to know what a girl is going to think of a guy that is 30 years old and divorced?

[carnut2013]

Thanks, its just been a struggle. I am starting to feel a little better about things in life. Its been a big struggle when you dedicate your entire life to some one and never to yourself. I used to get some things at the beginning, but towards the end it was getting bad.

 

At least I am not the only one.

[sadhubby]

i know its a cliche but something better will come your way all of you im 39 i thought my life was over i just went on a date for the first time in over 11 years and this women was amazing 30s the new 20s .

[carnut2013]

Thanks its nice to hear that being older isnt as bad any more.

 

I know its nice to know that i am not alone out there. it just sure felt like it to begin with. on a good note i have been feeling alot better lately, so its just time will heal all.

 

I look back at it all now and should have seen the writing on the wall....

 

What 28 year old woman wants to spend the night at her mom and dads all the time? I know we all love our families, and that is great, but there comes to a point when you have to say enough is enough.

 

Oh and when I just sat down, she would always ask me to get up to go do something or get her some water or something stupid. It was very irritating. But I did it because I was doing what a husband should do, make his wife happy.

 

Love is very confusing.

Edited September 19, 2011 by carnut2013

[KathyM]

She has a princess complex because of her upbringing with her wealthy parents. She hasn't learned to live an independent life separate from her parents. They call the shots for her, not you. Not a healthy person to have a relationship with. It's very hard to maintain a relationship with a woman like that. They are extremely high maintenance. You, however, were at fault for the ultimate destruction of your marriage. Your mistake was to confide in other women about your marital problems and develop too close of a personal relationship with other women. You messed up big time with that, and were unfaithful, even if it never resulted in intercourse. You exchanged pictures of your genitals with some woman while married? Every wife is going to go ballistic over that, regardless of what other issues you are having . Not surprising that she has filed for divorce. Regardless of what issues she was having, you were unfaithful. Next time, pick someone that isn't so high maintenance, has a healthy relationship with her parents, not a dependent one, and don't turn to other women to cry on their shoulder about your marriage. Turn to your wife, and if issues can't be resolved with her, then see a marriage counselor. You have to have appropriate boundaries in a marriage, and neither she nor you had them. She didn't have appropriate boundaries with her family, and you didn't have appropriate boundaries with other women. That is what caused the breakdown of your marriage.

[carnut2013]

Thanks, but again I believe what I did was wrong. But you hit the nail on the head.

 

But... Looking back on things, i am glad this all happened now. No kids. But you sound just like the therapist in our first session together. But when we went to another one the therapist said that she needs to try this and this to make things better. my ex decided that the therapist was a quack and said that we no longer need to see her. then 5 days later she said she wanted a divorce.

 

But again, I was going on anti depressants about a year or so into our marriage. There definitely was issues, and I went the wrong way. But now its going to be different from now on. Plus no more princesses