CarboniteCammy Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Hi! My name is Cammy, and I'm a StarWars fan, so hence the name. I'm writing because I am in a relationship with someone, with whom I'm in love, but we're having some problems and I'm not sure how to go about dealing with them. Our whole relationship has moved very fast from the get-go. We met online, lived in the same city, and really clicked. We both love going to live shows, and being busy and active. We're also both highly intelligent people (him more so then me, he could join MENSA if he wanted to and is brilliant at his job in IT. I'm more garden variety). After knowing each other only two months, we made the decision to move in together. We're both over thirty, so we're not stupid teenagers any more. No offense to stupid teenagers! ;-) I was one once, so I guess I can talk! hehehe! The week I moved in, we had an er...sexual accident...and now I am pregnant. Funny how that works...maybe we are stupid teenagers, just in adult bodies. While it was an accident, both of us have said that we want kids and we do love each other very much. So, you can imagine how terrifying it is to have moved so quickly, and me thinks that some of our issues are due to perhaps not knowing each other as well as we might and also having some pretty heavy issues thrown in right away. While I can't speak for him, I know that there are some things in the relationship that I'm becoming uncomfortable with. They are causing arguments and I am not behaving as well as I should during the arguments. I have resorted to name calling, which is a low brow, base thing to do. However, some of his behavior is infuriating to me and causes me emotional pain. Here are some issues I have dealt/am dealing with: * ogling other women while we are out (like to the point where he turns around and stares at them while they walk by) * flirting shamelessly with other women * unable to hold his alcohol * getting just plain mean when he has any whiskey * a 1950's style idea on how a woman should behave in a family setting * his DUI (I have to take him everywhere. Literally) * he doesn't listen to me when it comes to my dog (I'm a crazy dog lady, and I do agility, herding, conformation, and some obedience with my dog) The hardest thing, though, is that when I disappoint him, I feel like he loves, respects, and wants me less. I suppose I should have prefaced that by saying that when we first started dating, he thought I was perfect. No, I'm not kidding. We are alot alike, and I have put a great deal of effort into my relationship with him. I do most of the cleaning, laundry, dishes, cook occasionally, take him everywhere he needs to go, give him tons of attention, and I take part in his hobbies with him (such as building robots and flying model airplanes and helicopters). However since that point and despite my best efforts to be cool, we've had several fights regarding his behavior and again, I've resorted to name calling and other poor methods to get my point across. Most of our fights occur when he's had whiskey. It brings out the worst in him. Honestly, I think we'd be fine if he would just stop drinking that. I need help in dealing with these things. Even if I was not having his child, I would still want to work things out with him. I love him very much, although here recently I do not feel that he loves me like he did. His desire for me has waned, and I question whether it's because I'm pregnant or whether it's because of the fighting. I do not think I will ever be able to live up to what he expects me to be. I promise that I try very hard. I wish I could go have a cigarette right now. Does anyone have any advice? If is harsh advice, please try to be somewhat gentle in getting your point across. Many of you are pro's here at answering such questions, so please keep in mind I am new. Thanks!
carhill Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Welcome to LS. You might be thinking of the Corbomite Maneuver, with a very young Clint Howard playing Balok. I was fortunate enough to be a child watching Star Trek in first run as I built radios and telescopes and actually grew up in a 50's-60's healthy household with a SAHM. Advice? Your BF is who he is. The bloom is off the rose. He can't hold his liquor. Smart doesn't always equal good relationship material. On your side, you chose to quit smoking while pregnant and it's tough. I know; my mom did the same thing back in the 50's when nearly everyone smoked. It's not easy. Pregnancy emotions and quitting smoking emotions are affecting your perspective. Pretty normal stuff. With a child on the way, I'd be inclined to encourage him to take a hard look at his drinking and how it affects his behaviors. He's going to be a father soon and a young life will depend on him. Have you and he had any pregnancy counseling? Is this yours and his first child? I wish I could type out a manual to follow but IMO there is none. Do the best you can and trust that it'll work out, one way or another.
AHardDaysNight Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Wow, it does sound like you're dealing with a lot. Have you guys thought about couple counseling? It's clear that there's a lot of problems that he's going through, that you could both battle together. Not knowing how to handle your alcohol does not make you a bad person. By all intents and purposes, there are a lot of good alcoholics out there. As far as the 'oogling women' bit, does he stare them down, or is it just a brief glance? If it's the latter, you should know that men never stop being attracted to women, even after they're married! Nor will you stop being attracted to random attractive men. It is completely normal, as long as you don't act on it.
coolheadal Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Best to stay away when their drunk with the booze like that. Not much you can do with him unless he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous group to get help. Just don't fight with when he's drunk. Lock him up in the broom closet if he get's out of control and let him cool down.
Author CarboniteCammy Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Hi guys, thanks for your input. Yes, this is my first baby. And no, we haven't considered counseling. He is kind of a macho man, and I'm not sure he'd even consider going. I suppose maybe it wouldn't hurt to bring it up. As for when he ogles women? Oh, it's bad. He will literally grin and stare them down and *maybe* even turn around and say things like, "Damn, baby!" *sigh* Look, I get that we're mammals and that we don't mate for life usually and that its normal to be attracted to other people even while monogamous, but really? Maybe he does that because he's so dependent on me. He doesn't have that many friends and the ones he does seem to have aren't around when they should be. His "best" friend is one of the shadiest girls I've ever met in my life time. I'm pretty much the only one he can can count on to be there for him. Even his parents kind of suck at life when it comes to being there for him. I feel like alot of our problems stem from lack of respect on his part. Is there any way to earn respect in a relationship? I know that I have a hard time establishing boundaries with people. Ie- I tend to be a real door mat. Then, I get passive aggressive after the fact. Maybe if I was happier overall, I wouldn't be so moody. Maybe what I need to do is just not worry about him so much, or his needs, and concentrate more on getting myself to a better place emotionally. Especially with a baby coming.
coolheadal Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Need to make friends for him or take him out since you have to drive him around to parties. Tough life there but you'll make do and seek help for him to get back off the wagon with the booze. You don't want that to get out of control. Not with a little one on it's way?
Author CarboniteCammy Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 I thought I would update you all... I had a threatened miscarriage today and I had to drive him to go to a bachelor party, then drive myself to the hospital and go through the ordeal all alone. All the blood, ultrasounds, poking, and prodding, 101 degree fever... I think he knows he screwed up. I sent him a text responding to him asking how I was doing, and I told him about the fever. He responded with, "OMG! I'm so sorry! Are they going to admit you??" Like it would matter if they did. He'd still be at the party playing paint ball. I feel really horrible right now. I can't even tell you. I'm sure I could have called friends to be with me in the hospital, but it would be really hard to have explained why HE wasn't there, considering it's a Saturday and no one has to work. I'm looking for apartments right now close to where I work. I'd rather be alone then have someone this callous be my partner for my whole life. This is HIS baby!!!! My God!!
phillyfan Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Dude good 4 u, u can do this betta on ur own, he isn't no roll model for ur kid. Take it from me girl all us dudes ain't like him there's a dude out there who wil treat u n the baby like gold. He ain't a man a real man ain't gona let his girl go thru that Sh*t alone, u need a good man n that ain't him.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 The evolution toward leaving this guy made the most sense from the first word. Things the OP is describing are not "problems". They are "symptoms", all of the same, central problem. The entire scenario describes an infinitely slim chance of the two partners involved living in any kind of happiness and harmony together for a decade let alone a lifetime. Get out now while his shortcomings haven't yet rendered you hopeless for your future.
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