Update

[JaneyAmazed]

I know it's been a while since I've updated. I have been so busy lately. I am back in school and working. For those of you who don't know my story, my posts began in January of this year! I can't believe it's been over 9 months since dday. The last month has been a turning a point. My H has been able to express his feelings more than he did at first. He kept a lot of emotions and pain inside. When he started to talk about it, he admitted he felt better. I've given 100% of myself to him and to my marriage. I don't even recongnize the person I was last year. I think of xOM once in a while, but not often. When I do, there's no pining. There's just relief that I came to my senses. It's almost embarrassing because he would not be the kind of guy I'd be proud to be with if I were single. Enough about him though. My H and I realized how many changes we needed to make in our marriage, and it has made a huge difference. Before we led parallel lives. Now we live our lives together. We make decisions together. We make more time to spend together and with our kids. The distance I felt before is gone. Yes, he's been angry and hurt and we've had our share of fights this year, but it's helped us understand each other better. I've cried more this year than I can ever remember. It's hard facing who I was, what I did, and how I hurt my H and myself. There's a time to stop beating myself up, and start living. I have started living. I'm still not certain of the future. My H and I are in counseling, and we have a long way to go. There's still a possibility that he may not be able to get past this in the long run. I just pray that he does, and meanwhile I love him with everything I've got. I will fight for my marriage as long as it takes.

[seren]

Oh Janey, I am so pleased for you, I know there is still a lot of work to do and it can be hard and at times there will be anger, but it can work and marriages can get better and stronger just as long as you continue to talk and listen to each other. I wish you the very, very best xx Seren

[bentnotbroken]

As long as he has the facts to make a choice, you will know that no matter what that choice is.....it was his to make. Counseling IMO is one of the best tools aid in rebuilding anything. A relationship, a person, a family. Blessings.

[East7]

Hi Janey,

glad for you that you are fixing your marriage. You A was too short but I see that it takes time to repair the things.

 

It's almost embarrassing because he would not be the kind of guy I'd be proud to be with if I were single. .

 

It is too easy to say this now. How do you know?

 

This is your rationalization to make it look like "it wouldn't work anyway" to validate your choice.

 

I have no idea about the personality of your OM but the fact is you had a relationship with him, you picked him, were attracted to him and if you weren't married maybe you would have had a normal LTR.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi Janey,

glad for you that you are fixing your marriage. You A was too short but I see that it takes time to repair the things.

 

Hi East,

 

I'm not sure what to make of the "too short" statement. Too short by whose standards? Married people aren't supposed to have affairs at all, ideally. Are you trying to say that her affair was "too short" for her to have any idea of her feelings because it wasn't as long as yours? Is there an acceptable length to an affair before others feel it "mattered"?

 

 

It is too easy to say this now. How do you know?

 

This is your rationalization to make it look like "it wouldn't work anyway" to validate your choice.

 

I have no idea about the personality of your OM but the fact is you had a relationship with him, you picked him, were attracted to him and if you weren't married maybe you would have had a normal LTR.

 

I believe the OP posters here should stop assuming this is how all MPs feel after they choose their marriage over the A. Its not said about you personally. People take a look back with hindsight all the time and realize that they dated a person that they would never have chosen under normal circumstances.

 

Janay said she would never have dated him as her usual self. That's her truth. Let's not try to make her feel that her feelings are "wrong" or "bad".

 

People make mistakes. She feels her affair and AP were the wrong choices for her. She was even kind enough not to say why he was wrong for her.

 

Its not a statement about the worth or worthiness of the OM.

[East7]

Hi East,

 

I'm not sure what to make of the "too short" statement. Too short by whose standards? Married people aren't supposed to have affairs at all, ideally. Are you trying to say that her affair was "too short" for her to have any idea of her feelings because it wasn't as long as yours? Is there an acceptable length to an affair before others feel it "mattered"?

 

Her A lasted 3-4 months which is relatively short compared to the average that "I know " (1-2 yrs) and I see that the impact is still very important. I never said an A is right. Of course it was wrong.

 

I believe the OP posters here should stop assuming this is how all MPs feel after they choose their marriage over the A. Its not said about you personally. People take a look back with hindsight all the time and realize that they dated a person that they would never have chosen under normal circumstances.

I didn't take it personally, I just don't like rationalization. Maybe she has now good/valid reasons to think xOM wasn't a good match for her. But why didn't she think he wasn't worth it while she had a relationship with him?

[donnamaybe]

Don't dwell on the attempted derailing of your thread, Janey. Just focus on your man and your M and yourself.

 

I'm glad you posted. I was wondering how things were going for you. Keep up the good work!

[NoIDidn't]

Her A lasted 3-4 months which is relatively short compared to the average that "I know " (1-2 yrs) and I see that the impact is still very important. I never said an A is right. Of course it was wrong.

 

The average affair last for exactly as long as hers did. The longer ones are the anomalies. The effects of an affair can vary with the length, but the experience of the betrayed that finds out about it is about the same no matter what. That's what she's dealing with. Her H's reaction to it.

 

I didn't take it personally, I just don't like rationalization. Maybe she has now good/valid reasons to think xOM wasn't a good match for her. But why didn't she think he wasn't worth it while she had a relationship with him?

 

I didn't see it as "rationalization", I saw it as "realization". She never said anything about his "worth" and that's exactly why I responded to your statement about her feeling something about him months ago that led her into the A. It was never about his "worth". At least not individually or explicitly.

 

I'm sure hindsight has given Janay plenty of valid reasons as to why he wasn't ultimately a good choice for a relationship, but she had to go through it to get to that realization.

 

Your reaction is not uncommon from a former OM/OW to the MM/MW coming to this "realization". I bet my response is common to that of anyone that supports marriage or former BS feeling that its not "rationalization" as well. It still doesn't change the fact that most affairs are never about the OP as much as they are about the person that had the affair. And even Janay hints at that when she says she's not even the same person she was from a year ago.

 

I see the statement that the former MP is saying that the OP they chose does not align with the person they now find themselves to be. I don't see it as them making a blanket statement that the OP was a "bad" person. My H had an EA nearly seven years ago. He said she wasn't his type after the dust settled as well. But he never said she was a bad person. She had a lifestyle that he didn't feel he would fit into neatly. She had hobbies and beliefs that didn't really align with his hobbies and beliefs. The EA was about her listening to him and making him feel in ways that he was not feeling with me in our marriage. But he would never say she was a bad person. Even I wouldn't say that.

 

I could see saying it was rationalization coming from a person that is clearly not trying to save their marriage and only doing surface things to avoid being kicked out. That's not Janay's stance at all.

[PhoenixRise]

Janey

 

Congratulations on the progress you and your husband have made.

[confusedinkansas]

YAYYY! Good for you Janey!

 

....& As Donna said - Don't dwell on those that are trying to tear this down. This is a GREAT & uplifting "You Can Do It Too" thread.

[herenow]

Hi Janey,

glad for you that you are fixing your marriage. You A was too short but I see that it takes time to repair the things.

 

 

 

It is too easy to say this now. How do you know?

 

This is your rationalization to make it look like "it wouldn't work anyway" to validate your choice.

 

I have no idea about the personality of your OM but the fact is you had a relationship with him, you picked him, were attracted to him and if you weren't married maybe you would have had a normal LTR.

 

East, Janey is here telling us how she really feels. This isn't speculative or hypothetical. This is Janey's true feelings.

 

So many times BW's are accused of not being able to accept that a MM really loves his OW. However, many of those same OW's refuse to accept that a MM stays married because he may actually love his wife and he really didn't love the OW. Here you have a MW who tells you that the OM was not right for her and she loves her H. Why is that so hard to just accept?

 

Also, have you ever dated a man and known within a short period of time he wasn't someone you would marry? I don't think that concept is unreasonable. As a matter of fact, sometimes you may know after only one date. So, how is several months not enough time to know?

[ladydesigner]

East, Janey is here telling us how she really feels. This isn't speculative or hypothetical. This is Janey's true feelings.

 

So many times BW's are accused of not being able to accept that a MM really loves his OW. However, many of those same OW's refuse to accept that a MM stays married because he may actually love his wife and he really didn't love the OW. Here you have a MW who tells you that the OM was not right for her and she loves her H. Why is that so hard to just accept?

 

Also, have you ever dated a man and known within a short period of time he wasn't someone you would marry? I don't think that concept is unreasonable. As a matter of fact, sometimes you may know after only one date. So, how is several months not enough time to know?

 

great post herenow. I have been accused of the same thing, for my true feelings about my XOM now. When people talk of affair fog, I'm a believer. I guess I should say my XOM was not right for me or me for him. The affair just never should have happened in the first place. That is the hard and embarrassing realization for me, is that I had such a lack of control, regard for myself and for others.

 

Janey what a wonderful post from you. Much luck to you and your H and that you have many loving years ahead of you!

[herenow]

It's always hard to admit stuff we don't want to accept. It was hard for me to accept the fact that my H had sex with an OW. But, it happened, it's fact and I had to deal with it. I'm sure it would be hard for an OW to accept that a MM she cares for doesn't feel the same. But, in reality that is what happens in some affairs. MM and MW who have affairs, in some cases, find they truly love their spouse and do what it takes to fix the marriage. Maybe not all, but it does happen.

 

So, why doubt what Janey is saying about herself? Why not just be happy that she has made the right choice for her and wish her the best. BTW, that is what I do when OW come here to tell us of their success. I wish them the best as I truly believe that when a person loves someone, they will do what it takes to be with the one they love. And, if they are marred, they will have the respect to let their spouse go and find true love as well.

Edited September 15, 2011 by herenow

[skywriter]

JaneyAmazed,

 

Wow, back in school and working! Sounds like your plate is full.

 

You said your H is opening up and you two are communicating. That, in my opinion, is half the battle, (maybe more), towards a better relationship.If you can't express yourselves verbally, whataya got?

 

Reading your words about not recognising yourself, rings true for me as well. It's so extremely difficult to explain that others,who've never been down that path.

 

Yes, it is time to stop beating yourself up. You owe that to your marriage to let the healing process move you and your H forward.

 

Thanks for the update, Janey. I'm happy to hear your story.

[denise_xo]

Thanks for the update, Janey. I'm happy to hear your story.

 

Me, too. Great to hear the good news

[nofool4u]

Good to hear Janey. I hope your husband can really try to block out the images, as they will never go away, but hopefully he can be happy again.

 

I say this as you are one of the RARE people who have cheated and seem truly remorseful for what you have done and are doing exactly what a WS should do to right her wrong.

 

Just know that this will always be in your husband's mind. And if once in a blue moon he has triggers and gets upset, you need to understand that and not get defensive with him.

[findingnemo]

East, Janey is here telling us how she really feels. This isn't speculative or hypothetical. This is Janey's true feelings.

 

So many times BW's are accused of not being able to accept that a MM really loves his OW. However, many of those same OW's refuse to accept that a MM stays married because he may actually love his wife and he really didn't love the OW. Here you have a MW who tells you that the OM was not right for her and she loves her H. Why is that so hard to just accept?

 

Also, have you ever dated a man and known within a short period of time he wasn't someone you would marry? I don't think that concept is unreasonable. As a matter of fact, sometimes you may know after only one date. So, how is several months not enough time to know?

 

Hey East, have ever dated a man?

 

Jokes aside. Rationalization or realization? I think what matters is how you feel in the moment that you post. Janey feels what she feels. Knowing that a few months ago I was posting a "Hurray, I'm free" and genuinely feeling as such, it is possible that she may feel different later. But isn't that what the fighting for her M is all about? She is fighting her "feelings" because she knows she loves her H. Just like many MMs when push comes to shove will choose their BS' and with good reason. Are those rationalizations or realizations?

 

The see-sawing of feelings seems to be normal based on what APs as well as WS' post. For some, they figure out what is best for them quickly and come to the realization that they must i) end the A and work on their M, or ii) move on to the AP or a fresh start.

 

Janey, I wish you all the best in your recon.

Edited October 24, 2011 by findingnemo
Grammar

[MorningCoffee]

Good to hear Janey. I hope your husband can really try to block out the images, as they will never go away, but hopefully he can be happy again.

 

I say this as you are one of the RARE people who have cheated and seem truly remorseful for what you have done and are doing exactly what a WS should do to right her wrong.

 

Just know that this will always be in your husband's mind. And if once in a blue moon he has triggers and gets upset, you need to understand that and not get defensive with him.

 

I have to say, the bolded is not always true. Janey, it is probably wise advice nofool4u is giving, but speaking just from my own experience, it is entirely possible that as reconciliation takes hold, with enough time, your H may really never have those images or even the memory in his mind again. I know that, within a couple years of my W's affair (I was totally blindsided and betrayed -- he'd been my one close male friend, too, and his wife was also a social friend of ours) following a separation and gradual reuniting, these things hardly ever crossed my mind.

 

By five years post-A, we were closer than ever, our lives had totally changed, by moving to a new location, and by choosing to adopt, as we became parents. It was a whole new world, and I doubt I thought about that chapter again more than a few minutes spread out over the remaining 20+ years we had together before she passed.

 

So I agree with nofool4u, and would say be prepared, as I know you are, that your husband will sometimes trigger and get upset, and all the rest, but I also want to encourage you that it is not an automatic reality that a replay will always haunt your husband.

[JaneyAmazed]

Hey East, have ever dated a man?

 

Jokes aside. Rationalization or realization? I think what matters is how you feel in the moment that you post. Janey feels what she feels. Knowing that a few months ago I was posting a "Hurray, I'm free" and genuinely feeling as such, it is possible that she may feel different later. But isn't that what the fighting for her M is all about? She is fighting her "feelings" because she knows she loves her H. Just like many MMs when push comes to shove will choose their BS' and with good reason. Are those rationalizations or realizations?

 

The see-sawing of feelings seems to be normal based on what APs as well as WS' post. For some, they figure out what is best for them quickly and come to the realization that they must i) end the A and work on their M, or ii) move on to the AP or a fresh start.

 

Janey, I wish you all the best in your recon.

 

I just noticed my update was back up! I'd like to say that yes, my feelings see-saw all the time. When I read old updates, I realize that this is how I was feeling at that moment. The months following an affair are traumatic and feelings are all over the place. I've gone from being relieved, to missing to xOM, to being angry at xOM, to hardly thinking about him,etc, etc. Sometimes I feel like no time has passed and other times I feel like a lifetime has passed. This particular update (from this thread) I really didn't have xOM on my mind much. It changes from day to day, week to week. I still know that those feelings don't change the direction I'm heading in. My marriage is what's most important to me now. And yes, I do understand my H will have those images for a long time. I hate it so much. He shares with me sometimes about how he has to deal with reminders and triggers. I've had a lot of maturing to do this year. I know that my updates will not be consistant emotionally, but I don't change my actions based on those emotions. At this moment in time, I really do feel like my marriage has a good chance of survival. My H and I spent the weekend alone without the kids last weekend. We used it as an opportunity to talk and reconnect. I felt like we were dating again. I hate having reminders and triggers of the affair. I know he does too. My hope is that one day it won't sting so bad and that we can have the marriage we are fighting for. All we can do is keep communicating, helping each other, and moving forward.

[JaneyAmazed]

I have to say, the bolded is not always true. Janey, it is probably wise advice nofool4u is giving, but speaking just from my own experience, it is entirely possible that as reconciliation takes hold, with enough time, your H may really never have those images or even the memory in his mind again. I know that, within a couple years of my W's affair (I was totally blindsided and betrayed -- he'd been my one close male friend, too, and his wife was also a social friend of ours) following a separation and gradual reuniting, these things hardly ever crossed my mind.

 

By five years post-A, we were closer than ever, our lives had totally changed, by moving to a new location, and by choosing to adopt, as we became parents. It was a whole new world, and I doubt I thought about that chapter again more than a few minutes spread out over the remaining 20+ years we had together before she passed.

 

So I agree with nofool4u, and would say be prepared, as I know you are, that your husband will sometimes trigger and get upset, and all the rest, but I also want to encourage you that it is not an automatic reality that a replay will always haunt your husband.

 

 

Thank you so much for this! It gives me hope!

[Snowflower]

Good to hear Janey. I hope your husband can really try to block out the images, as they will never go away, but hopefully he can be happy again.

 

I say this as you are one of the RARE people who have cheated and seem truly remorseful for what you have done and are doing exactly what a WS should do to right her wrong.

 

Just know that this will always be in your husband's mind. And if once in a blue moon he has triggers and gets upset, you need to understand that and not get defensive with him.

 

This is really nice of you to say, nf4u!

 

I agree that Janey has done everything in her power to heal her marriage and rectify the pain she caused to her H.

[nofool4u]

I have to say, the bolded is not always true. Janey, it is probably wise advice nofool4u is giving, but speaking just from my own experience, it is entirely possible that as reconciliation takes hold, with enough time, your H may really never have those images or even the memory in his mind again.

 

 

yet, you are here. not saying that reconciliation isn't possible and things may be good again, but I don't believe that images are completely blocked out and triggers don't ever happen. even for someone that has, for the most part, successfully blocked out ALMOST everything and really doesn't think about it on a daily basis.

 

So I agree with nofool4u, and would say be prepared, as I know you are, that your husband will sometimes trigger and get upset, and all the rest, but I also want to encourage you that it is not an automatic reality that a replay will always haunt your husband.

 

I think a replay will haunt him, but it will be at a level that may not really bother him that much. but if it does, he may choose to bottle it up.

 

and from reading some of Janey's posts, it seems that so far blocking things out for her H isn't in the cards, at least just yet. seems he has his triggers and doubts here and there.

[nofool4u]

This is really nice of you to say, nf4u!

 

I agree that Janey has done everything in her power to heal her marriage and rectify the pain she caused to her H.

 

well its true. she is probably the only WS that I have read here that I feel just may deserve that 2nd chance. if I was betrayed, the significant woman in my life had better do the things Janey is doing if she expected a 2nd chance.

 

In my experience I know that I will never stay with someone who cheated on me. did that once for a brief period, never again.

 

so I guess what I'm saying is, if I were to try to give a cheater a 2nd chance, she damn well better be like Janey.

[JaneyAmazed]

well its true. she is probably the only WS that I have read here that I feel just may deserve that 2nd chance. if I was betrayed, the significant woman in my life had better do the things Janey is doing if she expected a 2nd chance.

 

In my experience I know that I will never stay with someone who cheated on me. did that once for a brief period, never again.

 

so I guess what I'm saying is, if I were to try to give a cheater a 2nd chance, she damn well better be like Janey.

 

Lol! I love this. Here I am up in the middle of the night. My H is out of town. I was feeling kind of down. The truth is I love my H more than I've loved anyone in my life. If I didn't love him or if were staying with him only for security or for the kids, then he'd deserve better. I am the one who has had to do a complete 180 this year. This year has been as hard as hell. I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to go through all the emotions I've gone through. I just believe in my heart things will get better. My H told me today that he hopes that 2012 will be better than this year. I told him it HAS to be! lol! It can't be worse unless we divorce! I believe that we go through trials in life to help up grow. We can give up or we can hurt for a while and really grow. We are both growing, and it's making our marriage change in ways I never imagined.

Edited October 30, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[Gentlegirl]

Great to hear from you again. You seem to be making a success of you reconciliation and that must be very difficult.

 

It seems that your A has instigated changes that were long overdue in your marriage. No doubt it caused a great deal of pain for everybody, but the result seems to be positive.

 

For many reasons, I would say that xMM would not have been somebody who would fit into my life, family or circle of friends. We just clicked at the time. His real life is so many times removed from mine in all ways.

 

I have done a lot of reading on affairs stats. 3-4 ,months is about average. Mine was 3 years which is far longer than normal.

 

It actually means that xMM was very comfortable with the whole deal and in no way about to upset his world for me.

 

Keep going Janey and keep posting from time to time.

 

GG