bluenightowl Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 What if you were dating someone, things got intimate then all of the sudden she rejects you for another person. You both had a connection however and she wants to continue to spend time with you. Does it make sense to try to be friends realizing that perhaps you both could make for great friends? And then go and date other people. Also keep in mind she is a rebounder. What would you do?
jerbear Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Only if the friendship is mutual then by all means. Normally it will take some time to let the intimacy portion go away.
Cracker Jack Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I would move on. Been in this situation a few times, and really have no interest in being in it again.
FitChick Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Ask her to fix you up with one of her friends or co-workers because that is what friends do.
thatone Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Ask her to fix you up with one of her friends or co-workers because that is what friends do. and then she'll be strangely unwilling to do so and he'll realize that she wants a backup plan, not a friend. what do i win?
DirtyDancing Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 and then she'll be strangely unwilling to do so and he'll realize that she wants a backup plan, not a friend. what do i win? There's your answer. She likes you if she wants to have you in your life... but it's not as a friend.
coolheadal Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Ding dong! Wake up from this you're not the want she wants. Friend Zone is not the same as being a Full-Time Boy Friend (a.k.a lover) huge difference. Don't be a Backup Guy either doesn't work too well. Just move on for a better choice. That's the smartest move you can make.
rafallus Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) I would either reject it outright or just didn't care in following up. IME, women who offer friendship after turning you down, don't do so, because they genuinely like you as a person, but want your attention. Often, afterwards, if you actually stop pursuing and adhere to less intimate relation (and that doesn't necessarily mean cutting all contact, also applies, when you do, gasp, treat her as an acquaintance), they start asking "Why so cold/official?" as in they want you to keep pursuing. And, if you don't go back to pursuing, they mysteriously cut all contact... Edited September 15, 2011 by rafallus
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I would either reject it outright or just didn't care in following up. IME, women who offer friendship after turning you down, don't do so, because they genuinely like you as a person, but want your attention. Often, afterwards, if you actually stop pursuing and adhere to less intimate relation (and that doesn't necessarily mean cutting all contact, also applies, when you do, gasp, treat her as an acquaintance), they start asking "Why so cold/official?" as in they want you to keep pursuing. And, if you don't go back to pursuing, they mysteriously cut all contact... Maybe that has been your experience. That is not what I do or have done. I don't treat my male friends as backup plans... and if a guy did that to me, I would resent it as well. If a guy says he wants to be friends, and then later pursues me and does the hot/cold thing, I'd be wary too. When I ask for friendship, it is legitimate... and I don't ask it of every man either. They have to demonstrate that they are a decent, caring person first. Someone I want to invest my time with as a fellow human being. No sense throwing the baby out with the bathwater, IMHO. Although, I've come to accept that most men I come across won't want to be MY friend unless they plan on getting their d*ck in me at some point. Which (not surprisingly) makes me realize they were never really interested in me as a human being anyway. Probably just something to f*ck. No friend. No relationship. Perfect.
ThsAmericanLife Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 and then she'll be strangely unwilling to do so and he'll realize that she wants a backup plan, not a friend. what do i win? That would be one test then, wouldn't it? If she doesn't act like a friend, then she isn't a real friend. But to cut out the option entirely just because she happens to be female seems limiting.
counterman Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Depends. I'm sort of in this situation now. I'm friends with this girl I had asked out on a date... we went on one date and we've only hung out once ever since but will be hanging out again. I'm not dating atm due to my busy schedule but will date other girls as soon as I can. I think friendship has to be mutual, if she wants a friendship and is willing to put in effort, then yeah, I think it may work. But if she wants you to keep pursuing, then moving on is best. How do you know when she really wants friendship? I've asked this girl out on the 1st date and also the 2nd meeting. I'm going to ask her to hang out again...but I don't always want to be the one to ask her to hang out. She said she wanted friendship, so should I tell her this in person? That if this is just a one-sided friendship sort of thing, I don't want it?
iJester Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) Just ignore her. If she asks you directly, "are you mad?", or something along those lines, just tell her you're not interested in friendship but your door is open to dating if she ever changes her mind. Ask her not to contact you anymore unless that's the case. About half the time it works and I end up sleeping with her, but I'm never in this situation anymore, because I lay it out in the beginning and don't accept offers of friendship. Edited September 15, 2011 by iJester
somedude81 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I think it's really weird that women even do this. I didn't ask her out because I wanted to be her friend. What does she think shes doing by offering friendship instead? It's basically a consolation prize.
grkBoy Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 What if you were dating someone, things got intimate then all of the sudden she rejects you for another person. You both had a connection however and she wants to continue to spend time with you. Does it make sense to try to be friends realizing that perhaps you both could make for great friends? And then go and date other people. Also keep in mind she is a rebounder. What would you do? 1) Never get involved with a rebounder 2) Walk away If you can burn/bury the "wanting her as a GF" thinking, then you two could be friends. However, if you're going to be friends with her hoping she'll come around and try again with you...then you're only fooling yourself. I've had many women go from hot-and-heavy to LJBF. In the end they didn't even want to be friends. They just quickly changed their mind and wanted the easiest/conflict-free way to get rid of me. They were more hoping I'll quietly go away and never return.
EasyHeart Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I've had many women go from hot-and-heavy to LJBF. In the end they didn't even want to be friends. They just quickly changed their mind and wanted the easiest/conflict-free way to get rid of me. They were more hoping I'll quietly go away and never return.This. She has no interest in being your friend. She thinks she is being "nice" by saying "LJBF" instead of "I don't want to date you because you are not good enough for me, loser," which is what she truly thinks. Run away and don't look back.
Mangomonkey Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I suggest you dont think too much about it and just let it go. I recently rejected a women and offered friendship. She accepted but everytime i talked to her I can tell she wanted me. I figured it would simply be easier on her if i just faded away. I think its more cruel to keep someone around who likes you rather than just being able to be a friend. So dont think too much of it. And ask her to hook you up with one of her friends.
somedude81 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I suggest you dont think too much about it and just let it go. I recently rejected a women and offered friendship. She accepted but everytime i talked to her I can tell she wanted me. I figured it would simply be easier on her if i just faded away. I think its more cruel to keep someone around who likes you rather than just being able to be a friend Wow, you handled that....like a woman.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 1) Never get involved with a rebounder 2) Walk away If you can burn/bury the "wanting her as a GF" thinking, then you two could be friends. However, if you're going to be friends with her hoping she'll come around and try again with you...then you're only fooling yourself. I've had many women go from hot-and-heavy to LJBF. In the end they didn't even want to be friends. They just quickly changed their mind and wanted the easiest/conflict-free way to get rid of me. They were more hoping I'll quietly go away and never return. I think all this advice from everyone has been spot on. I agree with everything above in particular. Most of my ex's when I think about it, never really wanted to be friends, just wanted to feel like I wanted them until they found someone. I remember one even saying "why can't we just be friends", and then as soon as she found a BF, wanted nothing to do with me.
Author bluenightowl Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Just ignore her. If she asks you directly, "are you mad?", or something along those lines, just tell her you're not interested in friendship but your door is open to dating if she ever changes her mind. Ask her not to contact you anymore unless that's the case. About half the time it works and I end up sleeping with her, but I'm never in this situation anymore, because I lay it out in the beginning and don't accept offers of friendship. very good advice. My experience with women is that all the ones that I ignore, tend to come back knocking on the door at some point, and some saying exactly what the iJester wrote "are you mad at me?" My heart wants to write these people big long letters and offer friendship, but I think in these cases silence sends the strongest message.
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