devastated828 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Here is my situation…I’m going to explain everything in as much detail as I can. I apologize if this is too long but I want everyone to know all the facts because I seriously need help. I’m looking for help and hope. I know I need to move on so please don’t tell me that because it will just hurt me even further. I’m a gay male college student. But I’m not your typical gay guy. I’m very masculine, muscular, and I can probably out bench press half the guys in my gym. I’m attracted to the same type of guy. They are hard to find let me tell you. Over a year ago I finally found someone who was perfect for me in everyway. I never thought I’d find anyone like me..believe me I would search on several online dating sites within 200 miles. We dated for a year and two months. This past summer was very hectic for both of us. I got an internship and was busy focusing on my career (my industry is very competitive) and my boyfriend got a job. Two weeks before school started we were still in love. We went to a concert and he could hardly keep his hands off of me. (Which was odd because we didn’t do PDA) but nevertheless I knew he really loved me because of it. The week before school started back we both started arguing over and over again about everything. This lasted about a week. Every few months or so we’d get into a bit of an argument but we were really good about working out our feelings and communicating and I thought it would just be another one of those. I was wrong. He wanted a break. We have broken up before and it lasted only two weeks. As soon as I started talking to someone else he got jealous and realized he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. This time things were different. I started the breakup off wrong…I begged for him to come back. He wanted to see what “else was out there” since he had really only been with one other guy before me. He wanted a break to realize what he was missing. So I waited patiently but still in contact with him. The only problem was he wouldn’t even see me. He didn’t want to be friends, or even see me at all because he was afraid feelings would still be there and that we’d act on it. This went on for a month. I was miserable..extremely depressed but still hoped that once school started and we all got into our routine he would come back. I spoke with him a few weeks ago and asked him where he was at. I said that I had moved on and was seeing someone else (in reality I wasn’t) and he said that he was seeing someone too and still did not want to be friends with me because he didn’t want to “confuse the two”. He said that the past the month was awesome and that he had so much fun without me and didn’t think we were compatible and that he didn’t feel like he’d ever want to get back with me. He said he’s had so much fun and partied all the time and did whatever he wanted to do. I said I could do those things to….which I know I can…but he wouldn’t let me prove it to him… He told me to move on and see other people I became severely depressed…even suicidal…It’s been about 2 and a half weeks since that incident and I’ve been following some things I’ve seen online about getting your ex back. Several sites suggest that I completely cut off contact (he was texting me and talking to me on facebook a lot) And that I go have a blast and do new things. I have been doing this…I’ve been meeting new people, took up swimming and guitar, have gotten a professional job in my field (even while still in college), deleted my facebook, deleted his number out of my phone and have been on a few dates. I have run into him a little and have screwed the contact up a few times but for an entire week I have been quiet. Today I received a text message from him talking about how I keep running into one of his friends. I said yeah and he asked what I talked about with her. I told him I asked who he was dating and he said he wasn’t dating anyone yet but he was just having fun. I said that I was doing the same and he said it was good because it would help us both move on and that he was moving on slowly. Final Conclusions. I still think there is something for us. I hear stories all the time about couples who break up and get back together and I want to be in that same book. We have a lot in common (even though he can’t see that) and we have been through so much. I think he just got scared that we were dating so long. But I still love him and want to be with him. What can I do to accomplish my goals? Have I been doing the right things? Have I not? Any recommendations based on personal experiences? It is so hard to move on from this one and it hurts especially since there aren’t many people out there that are compatible with me. Thank you for any and all advice
Author devastated828 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Anyone? I could really use some support
ludovico Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 From what I gather, he sounds like he is intent on exploring other options... sorry... I know how horrible it feels... However, I would direct you to the following threads: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t272674/ and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ Questions 6 & 7
Besmy Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Hello dear Devastated, I am a straight woman, so clearly not an expert of boy/boy relationships, but here my humble thoughts. You say that he broke up to see "what else was out there". This seems to happen to a lot of people and is called GIGS (Grass Is Greener on the other Side Syndrome). Often these people later come back because they realise that other potential partners out there are not better than the one they have left, in fact they are often worse. This takes time though, and unfortunately requires the dumper to actually being with someone else to be able to make a comparison. It seems that he's still got feelings for you but - sorry to say this - they aren't probably that deep, otherwise he would still be with you. When you say: Today I received a text message from him talking about how I keep running into one of his friends. I said yeah and he asked what I talked about with her. I told him I asked who he was dating and he said he wasn’t dating anyone yet but he was just having fun. I said that I was doing the same and he said it was good because it would help us both move on and that he was moving on slowly. I think you shouldn't have told him everything, revealing that you are curious about who he is dating. How is he supposed to become jealous of you and want you back if he takes you for granted because you make him very clear that you are perfectly available, waiting for him and still very much into him? You shall use some strategy, eh! So here is the general advice most of us would give you: go NC (No Contact). Pretend to ignore him. If he texts you don't text back until he sends at least 3 sms, then answer after a few hours with a short message, no flirting. Make him wonder whether you still care or you have moved on. You can go to places where you know you may find him and show yourself looking gorgeous and having great fun (pretend to have fun eh!) with others to make him jealous. Of course, if he cares he will get jealous, if he doesn't, well at least you know where you are. Don't run after him, don't show him that you will always be there for him, that will only push him away. A big hug and keep us posted.
gbadboy Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Hey, I'm a gay male too and I've been going through a horrible horrible break up. Trust me, I feel your pain and I know what we go through - our options are limited, especially because gay guys tend to have a specific type of person they're physically into. I think the reason why you're stressing it so much is because you're afraid you won't find anyone else like him at all. Do you really think that? As you grow, you'll see that maybe your views on the "right guy" could be altered - you might look for more in person that what you're currently looking for. If you really want him back you have to remove yourself completely for him. If the thought of seeing him is too painful for you, cut him off completely. IF you run into his friends, as tempted as it is, dont ask them about him. Chances are though, they'll go back and tell him they ran into you - and when he finds out you didnt ask for him - he'll be shocked. You guys had a long deep relationship so that is your advantage. Sure he's partying it up, but that's just a phase a lot of gay guys go through. THey like and love the attention but it will get tired soon enough and when it does, he will remember you ONLY ONLY if you've removed yourself from the picture COMPLETELY. My ex and I broke up but it was unforunately my fault, I broke his heart and put him through a lot of pain. My friend tried to get him to ask me back out and when he did I mistakenly rejected him. Now i want him back but its too late. HE's out partying every night now.....to get his mind off me. And he got kicked out of his house so he has no where to go so he's staying at my friends place, which is very painful for me , because its like how do I move on with him staying at my friends place. So like you, my ex is out filling that "void" you left in him - he's out partying and prob meeting ppl - but today will make 1 week of NC and I'm actually thinking I will never never see him again unless he wants more with me. He's 23 and im 32, so maybe that says something. Ask yourself this - what pains you more? Seeing him and being around him and accepting a friendship when you really want more? OR completely removing yourself from him and not seeing you? Chances are you'll say both options are painful -HOWEVER.......the second option is temporary whereas the first option is on-going pain. People tell me to "move on" and I hate when they say that b/c its easier said then done........especially when you know there is love buried there. But as a fellow gay guy, if you want him back cut him and everyone ASSOCIATED with him out of your life. Dont just cut him out and maintain links with his friends cuz you'll see hear about him etc. So do an absolute cut off and let TIME (months) take over. Time will do its magic in the meantime and he'll come back to you.
gbadboy Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I keep re-reading your post b/c I draw so much similiarites. Like you, my ex and I were off and on. And at first we tried the friend thing but we realized that was just us being together period b/c we still hung out and hence feeling still loomed. It wasn't until our final break up in July where he cut me off completly. He's very close with my friends and I tried to be his friend in hopes that could lead me to more with him but he told my friend he cannot be my friend right now because it might get him sucked back into me. That actually is similar to your story above. And actually that's a good thing. If your ex is afraid to be your friend b/c he's afraid he'll get sucked back in - that means there are feelings there still. That should make you feel good. He's in a different phase right now - the partying flirrting phase. Its not b/c he doesn't love you - it's because he want's some freedom. But it's a phase, and every phase has a start and end point. Eventually this phase will die down and he'll want to settle down and that's where you come in. As long as you maintain NC and keep your class and dignity (and not become the pyscho obbessive bf) he'll remember this at the end of his partying phase and will want to come back to you. Im not saying you sit and wait. Go ahead and do whatever you want knowing that he'll eventually come back to you after this phase is over and weather you take him back at that point or not is up to you. LIke you, I also deleted my facebook b/c we share mutual friends and I cant stand it. ANd like you my ex is out partying all over the place having fun. It would be impossible for your ex and mine to start dating immediatley b/c they have feelings. IN fact, if they were to get into something else, it would take a few months. Today will mark 1 week of absolute NC. But before I began this NC, I met him last week and we had a good conversation. And while he said he didnt want to work it out with me (hurt bad to hear it) - he said that out of his anger and heart break over me . We did spend one on one time with each other talking about stuff, and its weird b/c they way we "were" with each other was in a non friend way. I was sitting on top of him, and he'd wipe my tears with his hands. He'd bump my head with his........and when I was leaving, he asked me to stay and invite my brother over to hang out........I told him that i dont think i could be his friend after this b/c it pains to much and immediately i think he got afraid, and tables have turned... now it seems he still wants me in his life. Anyway, the point of all of this is - I wanted to have one positive final talk with my ex BEFORE I began my NC. And that is what you should do also if you haven't already. I didnt want NC to begin on a bad note with him. The last image your x should have with you is a POSITIVE one, IF you want them back. And while he said he didnt wanna work it out, i know he saying that out of anger and lack of trust (not lack of love) . he told me he doesn't like to see ppl he cares about cry. He told me he would always be here for me no matter what. Hearing those things and jus having those "intimate" interactions is the fuel i required before i could begin the NC. So if you dont have the fuel yet, get it and then go NC. it will help.
Recommended Posts