Deversion tactic?????

[wannabdone]

Okay, I wanted to start a new thread, because I've been on here a couple of weeks now and notice a lot of talk about "why does she stay with him", and "whats her deal", and then going on some other sites where W's have had H's that have had A, they say "he says she wants my life", etc.

 

ALL OF WHICH I HAVE PERSONALLY HEARD FROM MY xMM!!!! Him telling me "shes obsessed with you", "she wonders what you are like", "shes ate up with you". Then the W tells me that he tells her "she wants your life", "shes obssessed with you", and the list goes on and on. ALL of which when I confronted him about it he denied. (GO FIGURE!!!)

 

So, my thoughts are these: the reason why OW are constantly thinking about why she isn't leaving, and whats her deal, etc. is because the dirty d*** MM is plotting the two agaisnt eachother. All the while, he sits back and watches these two women fight it out for him. It causes, (with human nature).... competition, anger, all kinds of feelings. And for him....I think its deversion, he blames the OW for the reason he had the A (she chased me, she read me wrong, she seduced me) and blames the W for staying (she manipulated me, i'm a prisoner, she uses my kids agaisnt me). NEVER taking any accountability for his role in this. Which honestly, he has the lead part.

 

I think it would be so much more beneficial if the OW and the W, would notice this and actually realize the common bond they have. They both have been duped by the MM and played like a fiddle.

 

I wanted to see what you guys thought about this. Do you think its a valid point and something that happens more frequently than not?

I'd also like to hear what are some of the lines that have been used on you or someone you know that has caused this anxiety to either the OW or the W.

[Quiet Storm]

I do think this happens. Especially for APD and NPD MM. Women are just puppets in his show.

 

But most of the time, I don't think MM is maliciously plotting the two against each other.

 

I think it is all about him and getting his needs met. If he feels that putting down the wife will get him more sympathy, attention and sex from OW, then that's what he'll do.

 

He has no problem lying to either woman to accomplish whatever he wants at that moment.

[wannabdone]

I do think this happens. Especially for APD and NPD MM. Women are just puppets in his show.

 

But most of the time, I don't think MM is maliciously plotting the two against each other.

 

I think it is all about him and getting his needs met. If he feels that putting down the wife will get him more sympathy, attention and sex from OW, then that's what he'll do.

 

He has no problem lying to either woman to accomplish whatever he wants at that moment.

 

I have often wonder if it was malicious or not. I often felt in my case at first it wasn't, but when he saw it worked for him and worked well, then it became maliciously plotted.

[spice4life]

I think it could be any number of things like the MM is a cake eater or simply unhappy. It is really hard to put a label until you know the MM you are involved with. In my case, I never asked why she stayed...my question was, "why did he cheat?" That was my only concern because if I decided to contemplate a relationship with him, I would want to know what was behind his motivation to cheat. If he was simply a cake eater then my choice is clear and that would be, "see ya later." Once the motivation behind WHY he decided to cheat was clear, I would know what to do from there. I think it is more about you and why you are with him than why the wife stays. Does her motivation really matter in the end anyhow?

[wannabdone]

I think it could be any number of things like the MM is a cake eater or simply unhappy. It is really hard to put a label until you know the MM you are involved with. In my case, I never asked why she stayed...my question was, "why did he cheat?" That was my only concern because if I decided to contemplate a relationship with him, I would want to know what was behind his motivation to cheat. If he was simply a cake eater then my choice is clear and that would be, "see ya later." Once the motivation behind WHY he decided to cheat was clear, I would know what to do from there. I think it is more about you and why you are with him than why the wife stays. Does her motivation really matter in the end anyhow?

 

 

No, absolutely her motivation doesn't matter in the end, not at all. Or in the beginning or the middle. Just seems to be that a lot of people (present company included) get sucked into this competitive/obsessive relationship with the W. And as I look back on it, I see one common element that consistently adding fuel to the fire, and that would be Mr. xMM. So, I was wondering what others thought about that take on it, if they felt like they had the same situation, or if they had even thought about that.

[Silly_Girl]

Can't say I've seen what you describe as a pattern, based on posts here.

[NoIDidn't]

Okay, I wanted to start a new thread, because I've been on here a couple of weeks now and notice a lot of talk about "why does she stay with him", and "whats her deal", and then going on some other sites where W's have had H's that have had A, they say "he says she wants my life", etc.

 

ALL OF WHICH I HAVE PERSONALLY HEARD FROM MY xMM!!!! Him telling me "shes obsessed with you", "she wonders what you are like", "shes ate up with you". Then the W tells me that he tells her "she wants your life", "shes obssessed with you", and the list goes on and on. ALL of which when I confronted him about it he denied. (GO FIGURE!!!)

 

So, my thoughts are these: the reason why OW are constantly thinking about why she isn't leaving, and whats her deal, etc. is because the dirty d*** MM is plotting the two agaisnt eachother. All the while, he sits back and watches these two women fight it out for him. It causes, (with human nature).... competition, anger, all kinds of feelings. And for him....I think its deversion, he blames the OW for the reason he had the A (she chased me, she read me wrong, she seduced me) and blames the W for staying (she manipulated me, i'm a prisoner, she uses my kids agaisnt me). NEVER taking any accountability for his role in this. Which honestly, he has the lead part.

 

I think it would be so much more beneficial if the OW and the W, would notice this and actually realize the common bond they have. They both have been duped by the MM and played like a fiddle.

 

I wanted to see what you guys thought about this. Do you think its a valid point and something that happens more frequently than not?

I'd also like to hear what are some of the lines that have been used on you or someone you know that has caused this anxiety to either the OW or the W.

 

LOL. I agree its likely a diversion tactic used while the person in the middle gets their sea legs back.

 

It could also be true in some cases, not necessarily all, though.

 

I was told that the OW wanted my life. But I figured that was because she was offered my life and shut that down pretty quickly. When a woman is told that "my W doesn't have to work, but she doesn't do this or this or that and that" she is going to think of how she would be different and say how she would be different.

 

I was told that the OW was obsessed with learning about me. But when your H is busy telling not so innocent tall tales about what you've done or painted a picture that's conflicting, of course you're going to wonder about his W.

 

I called my H on each and every deflection he tried to use. He figured out pretty quickly that those tactics to save his behind weren't going to work on me. We were going to get to the bottom of why he cheated, not why she was trying to replace me. His cheating was the biggest problem, not her alleged "envy".

 

Once a D-day occurs, these guys are all about getting out of the mess with the least amount of emotional damage ...to themselves.. as they can. It dawns on them that they've said things that can be used against them about the other person, so they reframe what they've said to make the women look at each other instead of at the man in the middle.

[Spark1111]

I have often wonder if it was malicious or not. I often felt in my case at first it wasn't, but when he saw it worked for him and worked well, then it became maliciously plotted.

 

No, i don't believe it is is maliciously plotted.

 

I think it becomes habit, as the ends (having all needs met by two women) is justified by the means (whatever I have to say, I will say).

[wannabdone]

LOL. I agree its likely a diversion tactic used while the person in the middle gets their sea legs back.

 

It could also be true in some cases, not necessarily all, though.

 

I was told that the OW wanted my life. But I figured that was because she was offered my life and shut that down pretty quickly. When a woman is told that "my W doesn't have to work, but she doesn't do this or this or that and that" she is going to think of how she would be different and say how she would be different.

 

I was told that the OW was obsessed with learning about me. But when your H is busy telling not so innocent tall tales about what you've done or painted a picture that's conflicting, of course you're going to wonder about his W.

 

I called my H on each and every deflection he tried to use. He figured out pretty quickly that those tactics to save his behind weren't going to work on me. We were going to get to the bottom of why he cheated, not why she was trying to replace me. His cheating was the biggest problem, not her alleged "envy".

 

Once a D-day occurs, these guys are all about getting out of the mess with the least amount of emotional damage ...to themselves.. as they can. It dawns on them that they've said things that can be used against them about the other person, so they reframe what they've said to make the women look at each other instead of at the man in the middle.

 

 

I agree with you, not in all cases. But it does seem to be used frequently. And your H telling you that the OW wanted your life, that was told to my xMM's W. I didn't want her life at all. I didn't want to be just like her. Thought never crossed my mind, and honestly the words never came from my mouth. He would try and bitch about her, and I would tell him to stop. (this was towards the end), because I said I refused to have my time consume about what the hell she was doing.

 

And yes, it is all about getting the less damange to themselves. Just amazing to me.

[So Very Confused]

In my A, we don't discuss his W very often so in my case I don't think he was playing us against each other. He has different diversion tactics he uses, at least with me. I have no doubt they will use any diversion available to keep up the cake eating and keep getting what they want without having to make any personal sacrifices.

 

I'll admit that after D-day I did wonder what she was thinking. This isn't his first A, and according to him, it's not the first she's been aware of. I did wonder why she stayed with him. Why she didn't leave. (I read in another thread on LC some really good answers to those questions and have a better understanding of her position now) Then I realized I was asking the wrong question. I should be asking myself why I stay with him and why I don't leave. Why am I settling for crumbs? Why don't I go find a guy that is available? It's not about her or him, it's about me and what my problem is.

 

I often think of a story my xMM shared with me about a 3some he had with his W and another woman. He told me how flattering it was to have 2 women fighting over his attention and his p****. I think that's a good illustration of what his motivations are. He's flattered that the two of us are knocking ourselves out to make him happy. He'd be crazy not to exploit that all he could.

 

Sometimes I think that quote about "I've seen the enemy and he is me" is true in this case for me. He hasn't stirred up anything between me and his W, but in my own mind I have. I can't really blame him. I blame me.

[MissBee]

LOL. I agree its likely a diversion tactic used while the person in the middle gets their sea legs back.

 

It could also be true in some cases, not necessarily all, though.

 

I was told that the OW wanted my life. But I figured that was because she was offered my life and shut that down pretty quickly. When a woman is told that "my W doesn't have to work, but she doesn't do this or this or that and that" she is going to think of how she would be different and say how she would be different.

 

I was told that the OW was obsessed with learning about me. But when your H is busy telling not so innocent tall tales about what you've done or painted a picture that's conflicting, of course you're going to wonder about his W.

 

I called my H on each and every deflection he tried to use. He figured out pretty quickly that those tactics to save his behind weren't going to work on me. We were going to get to the bottom of why he cheated, not why she was trying to replace me. His cheating was the biggest problem, not her alleged "envy".

Once a D-day occurs, these guys are all about getting out of the mess with the least amount of emotional damage ...to themselves.. as they can. It dawns on them that they've said things that can be used against them about the other person, so they reframe what they've said to make the women look at each other instead of at the man in the middle.

 

This!!!!!

 

The BW vs OW thing is not the point....the man in the middle is.

[mzdolphin]

I have often wonder if it was malicious or not. I often felt in my case at first it wasn't, but when he saw it worked for him and worked well, then it became maliciously plotted.

 

One of the few things I admired about exMM was that he didn't put the wife down. He even said his marriage wasn't horrible. He said he felt like they were just going through the motions and that he imagined that when they got older, they would be more active. She is 61, he is 54, but a very active 54. I'm 45 (soon 46).

 

He said he just thought about me all the time and thought I was a better match for him and wished he had made different choices when he was younger. (I left him and moved away in the early 90s, when we were both single. It was mostly a career choice for me). I am posting an email he sent me when I suggested no contact months ago. We were still exchanging emails at the time. Of course I removed my name, etc. In the end, I realized it was unhealthy, even if what he was saying was true. I didn't trust him and could no longer even worry about whether he was sincere or not.

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Good morning. I hope you're doing fine. I tried sending you messages, then it occurred to me that you blocked them as promised. I think of you daily and I so much wanted to drive to *** after the Sunday practice. It wouldn't have mattered that you may have slammed the door in my face. I know you want to let go and sever the emotional ties we have. I respect how you feel. I've been thinking trying to assess where I am emotionally. I'm trying to understand why I'm wrestling with letting go of you. I think because I don't want to. It's selfish I know. I guess I'm floating somewhere in between, too. I want this. I want that. Maybe, it's something in the middle I'm seeking. I wonder where we end up emotionally, but I believe we will fare much better. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit. Sure, we all bounce up and down, wanting and not wanting, giving and not giving. But you have so much to give -- love, talent, a reassuring smile and enduring strength in your beliefs. You are a gifted woman. Honestly, in retrospect, I believe you are the woman I was looking for. I was to young, stupid and blind to understand years ago. I wish I could have handled things differently, but I can't change the past. But the future looks bright for you. I still hope to be apart of it in some way. I don't want to straddle this emotional fence any longer. Soon, I will have to do something about it. I can't look at my wife, yet wonder what the rest of my life with you would be like. I need to curb my desires for you. My heart has attached itself to you. I don't know what do about that. I just feel in my heart we could have been happy together. Nothing lingers like the past -- good, bad or indifferent. ******, I sometimes wish I could hit the reset button. It looks as though you have and you're moving on. I love you.

[fooled once]

Okay, I wanted to start a new thread, because I've been on here a couple of weeks now and notice a lot of talk about "why does she stay with him", and "whats her deal", and then going on some other sites where W's have had H's that have had A, they say "he says she wants my life", etc.

 

ALL OF WHICH I HAVE PERSONALLY HEARD FROM MY xMM!!!! Him telling me "shes obsessed with you", "she wonders what you are like", "shes ate up with you". Then the W tells me that he tells her "she wants your life", "shes obssessed with you", and the list goes on and on. ALL of which when I confronted him about it he denied. (GO FIGURE!!!)

 

So, my thoughts are these: the reason why OW are constantly thinking about why she isn't leaving, and whats her deal, etc. is because the dirty d*** MM is plotting the two agaisnt eachother. All the while, he sits back and watches these two women fight it out for him. It causes, (with human nature).... competition, anger, all kinds of feelings. And for him....I think its deversion, he blames the OW for the reason he had the A (she chased me, she read me wrong, she seduced me) and blames the W for staying (she manipulated me, i'm a prisoner, she uses my kids agaisnt me). NEVER taking any accountability for his role in this. Which honestly, he has the lead part.

 

I think it would be so much more beneficial if the OW and the W, would notice this and actually realize the common bond they have. They both have been duped by the MM and played like a fiddle.

 

I wanted to see what you guys thought about this. Do you think its a valid point and something that happens more frequently than not?

I'd also like to hear what are some of the lines that have been used on you or someone you know that has caused this anxiety to either the OW or the W.

 

I agree with you - I think the MM loves having 2 women fight over him. BUT only one of the women KNOW he has 2 women - the OW. The wife most of the time has no idea.

 

And MANY OW don't feel they are being duped or used or whatever while they are IN the affair. They firmly believe the MM is in love with them, only them and he WOULD leave if he could. But during the affair, the OW is fed all kinds of lies/lines and crap. She believes all the tales from the MM about how mean his wife is, how trapped he is, how controlled he is, blah blah blah.

 

Normally, it isn't until D Day that BOTH women are clued into what is going on - and only after they have SPOKEN to each other. We all know many times the MM throws the OW under the bus to the wife with the many excuses of how the OW wouldn't leave him alone, came onto him, etc and he tells the wife that. VERY rarely does the MM ever tell the wife the HONEST truth; and very rarely does the MM tell the OW the truth about his marriage. In most cases, he belittle and criticizes his wife to the OW, in many cases to gain sympathy!