I really shouldn't date...ever.

[That_girl]

I'm on 25, but I truly believe that dating is just not for me anymore. Every relationship I've been in has ended terribly. And being out in the dating world again is really not doing good things for my confidence.

 

In most recent events, I started seeing a friend of a friend and there was chemistry there. But I slept with him too soon (which I rarely do, but it's been a while...) I thought it wouldn't have been such a big deal and that he genuinely liked me. But of course after about a month of dating him, I start to feel used and worthless. Maybe because the last time I saw him, we slept together and I thought we were getting closer, but he hasn't contacted me in 5 days. He is usually the one that initiates contact, and he generally contacted me every day or every second day.

 

I don't know what I did. I know that I didn't actually do anything...I didn't push him for a relationship or anything. I did express that I dont typically sleep around with random people, and he said that he understood that and that it wasn't "about that" with me and that he liked me.

 

Guess I was fooled. He liked me alright, he liked me for a quick piece when he felt like it. Granted, we only had sex like 4 times in the whole month...and we have hung out and not had sex. I just don't get it. Why do men think it's okay to do this to women? Just blow them off like it's nobodies business?

 

I suppose I could call him myself, but I'm used to being chased. I know it sounds terrible, but I've always had abandonment issues and I'm usually really into guys that are persistent and relentless with me. Also, I kinda feel like I don't need him to tell me that he's "just not into me".

 

I just feel so defeated when it comes to this ****. I just want someone to love me, that I don't have to be afraid to love back. I'm sick of dating and mind games and abusive, and emotionally damaging relationships. After all I've been through I kinda feel like I never want to put any effort into anything again.

 

I know I sound awful, I've just been going through some really rough stuff lately (not all having to do with men) and I just feel so down. I don't need a phonecall from this dude to make me feel better, but I DO. What's wrong with me?

[dizy]

I am almost feeling the same thing, in a less intense way. I feel by reading your story that you expect too much. Every relationship requires a lot of effort and time to maintain it. You can't expect everything to be perfect. When you started sexually with this guy and you expect him to love you as a person and not just sex partner you have to give him the time to get to know you. and the problem with this situation, (and myself) is that you wait for a call from him when you need one. why don't you just pick up the phone and call him? if he is nice and supportive then great , if he doesnt give a sh** about your life and your bad day then get over him.

 

Don't stay there and expect miracles to happen. If you want him to be there for you let him know. dont be afraid to be annoying. you have the right to be =)

[That_girl]

Thank you for your reply:) I guess I'm just afraid to be annoying. I'm so afraid of rejection that I wont ever put myself out there in situations like this. I think it has something to do with the fact that I was cheated on in my last relationship. The one prior to that was my first real love and after 3 years together, he left me because he couldn't "deal with my **** anymore". The first was very physically abusive. And then of course, there is my dad- who I didn't speak to all throughout childhood because he never cared enough to make contact.

 

I know I have to get over my past, it's just really challenging. I feel like the more I put myself out there, the more I get knocked down.

[omkara]

In most recent events, I started seeing a friend of a friend and there was chemistry there. But I slept with him too soon (which I rarely do, but it's been a while...) I thought it wouldn't have been such a big deal and that he genuinely liked me. But of course after about a month of dating him, I start to feel used and worthless. Maybe because the last time I saw him, we slept together and I thought we were getting closer, but he hasn't contacted me in 5 days. He is usually the one that initiates contact, and he generally contacted me every day or every second day.

If you didn't get any enjoyment out of that sex, then and only then, should you feel "used." Like you said, "it's been awhile" since you had any, so you mostly did it to satisfy yourself.

 

I don't know what I did. I know that I didn't actually do anything...I didn't push him for a relationship or anything. I did express that I dont typically sleep around with random people, and he said that he understood that and that it wasn't "about that" with me and that he liked me.

Now, this might sound crazy, buutttt... Sometimes you don't have to do anything for guys to act like ***holes. We can do that all by ourselves.

 

Guess I was fooled. He liked me alright, he liked me for a quick piece when he felt like it. Granted, we only had sex like 4 times in the whole month...and we have hung out and not had sex. I just don't get it. Why do men think it's okay to do this to women? Just blow them off like it's nobodies business?

This sounds like the classic case of falling for your fling. I don't understand how he blew you off if he was always the one who would contact you. Plus, it's only been 5 days. Cut the guy some slack.

 

I suppose I could call him myself, but I'm used to being chased. I know it sounds terrible, but I've always had abandonment issues and I'm usually really into guys that are persistent and relentless with me. Also, I kinda feel like I don't need him to tell me that he's "just not into me".

Here lies your issue. Stop playing cat and mouse games. It doesn't just "sound terrible," it IS terrible! If you have abandonment issues, YOU would be the purser, YOU would be the one to call him, YOU would make sure you're still on good terms. Maybe he just got tired of you not meeting him halfway, so he stopped caring. Y'know what happens when he stops caring and you PRETEND not to care? Stalemate.

 

I just feel so defeated when it comes to this ****. I just want someone to love me, that I don't have to be afraid to love back. I'm sick of dating and mind games and abusive, and emotionally damaging relationships. After all I've been through I kinda feel like I never want to put any effort into anything again.

If you're sick of "mind games" then stop playing them! All the "damage" you're cause is self inflicted.

 

I know I sound awful, I've just been going through some really rough stuff lately (not all having to do with men) and I just feel so down. I don't need a phonecall from this dude to make me feel better, but I DO. What's wrong with me?

Don't play the victim. No one's gonna feel sorry for you. Not when your pride is the only thing stopping you from calling "the dude."

[Feelsgoodman]

Maybe because the last time I saw him, we slept together and I thought we were getting closer, but he hasn't contacted me in 5 days. He is usually the one that initiates contact, and he generally contacted me every day or every second day.

 

I don't know what I did. I know that I didn't actually do anything...I didn't push him for a relationship or anything. I did express that I dont typically sleep around with random people, and he said that he understood that and that it wasn't "about that" with me and that he liked me.

You said it yourself - you didn't actually do anything. He musts have gotten tired of always being the one to initiate contact and figured you weren't that into him.

 

Some girls are really dumb when it comes to dating. They expect men carry 100% of the burden of keeping the relationship going. I once broke up with a girl just like you - she almost never contacted me first. She was actually quite shocked when she found out that was the reason I didn't want to see her anymore. "But you're a man!" she exclaimed. "You're supposed to be more proactive." And I was like "F*ck this...why am I supposed to be the one to always make plans and initiate sh*t? I'm not an event planner. "

[omkara]

I once broke up with a girl just like you - she almost never contacted me first. She was actually quite shocked when she found out that was the reason I didn't want to see her anymore. "But you're a man!" she exclaimed. "You're supposed to be more proactive." And I was like "F*ck this...why am I supposed to be the one to always make plans and initiate sh*t? I'm not an event planner. "

 

Hell yea!

 

I support the **** out of this post.

[That_girl]

Thank you, it helps to hear the guy's perspective, even it was a little abrasive:rolleyes: Think I needed to hear it!

 

I dont expect him to call because he's a guy....I just dont wanna make a move because I'm scared. Scared that he doesn't like me. It's really lame, and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me- but I just dont know if I can handle any more rejection these days. Being cheated on puts you in a really bad place emotionally, even though it happened months ago.

[surferchic]

If you didn't get any enjoyment out of that sex, then and only then, should you feel "used." Like you said, "it's been awhile" since you had any, so you mostly did it to satisfy yourself.

 

Now, this might sound crazy, buutttt... Sometimes you don't have to do anything for guys to act like ***holes. We can do that all by ourselves.

 

This sounds like the classic case of falling for your fling. I don't understand how he blew you off if he was always the one who would contact you. Plus, it's only been 5 days. Cut the guy some slack.

 

Here lies your issue. Stop playing cat and mouse games. It doesn't just "sound terrible," it IS terrible! If you have abandonment issues, YOU would be the purser, YOU would be the one to call him, YOU would make sure you're still on good terms. Maybe he just got tired of you not meeting him halfway, so he stopped caring. Y'know what happens when he stops caring and you PRETEND not to care? Stalemate.

 

 

 

If you're sick of "mind games" then stop playing them! All the "damage" you're cause is self inflicted.

 

Don't play the victim. No one's gonna feel sorry for you. Not when your pride is the only thing stopping you from calling "the dude."

 

Wow, talk about dating boot camp!

 

I can truly appreciate the responses.It may not be what we wanna hear, but perhaps some of us need to hear it.

 

Although, I will say try not to completely dismiss the fear & abandonment issues of females...it's real. I started a thread similar to this one in that my LDR guy stopped calling everyday.it started spearing as if he was playing games, so I pulled back. We're currently not really in communication just since my post. Although, there are parts of my life that he may not be able to accept and I can't keep giving him my energy because he started reminding me of my father, i.e. controlling to my mother. Additionally, father was never involved emotionally, physically, etc with me or my sisters. We are the products of that situation & we're trying to cope as best we can and trying to have positive,meaningful, lasting relationships.

 

So men remember, girls grow up to be mothers, lovers etc.Be good to your daughters, as the song goes. When you abandon your daughters you negatively impact her future for life...

 

The pain that has been ingrained in some of us is real guys.

[Zaphod B]

Like most women, you seem to be attracted to bad boys. Try looking for a nice guy instead.

[omkara]

Wow, talk about dating boot camp!

 

I can truly appreciate the responses.It may not be what we wanna hear, but perhaps some of us need to hear it.

 

Although, I will say try not to completely dismiss the fear & abandonment issues of females...it's real. I started a thread similar to this one in that my LDR guy stopped calling everyday.it started spearing as if he was playing games, so I pulled back. We're currently not really in communication just since my post. Although, there are parts of my life that he may not be able to accept and I can't keep giving him my energy because he started reminding me of my father, i.e. controlling to my mother. Additionally, father was never involved emotionally, physically, etc with me or my sisters. We are the products of that situation & we're trying to cope as best we can and trying to have positive,meaningful, lasting relationships.

 

So men remember, girls grow up to be mothers, lovers etc.Be good to your daughters, as the song goes. When you abandon your daughters you negatively impact her future for life...

 

The pain that has been ingrained in some of us is real guys.

 

That's all well and good, but what happens when BOTH of you have abandonment issues? Then what?

 

You can't play so helpless all the time. Grow a pair of ovaries and call your man once in awhile.

 

If you don't want to take our advice, then don't. But don't come back here crying to LS when things don't work out, because we don't wanna hear it. You're not our girlfriend.

Edited September 15, 2011 by omkara

[DirtyDancing]

Never lose hope. I would wait a reasonable amount of time and contact this guy just to say hi, if he hasn't done so first. There's no harm in that. I understand your fear of rejection by not being the one to contact him again, believe me.

 

And again, at 25, you are too young to lose hope! I can say this as an older and wiser 27 year old also faced with being single and vulnerable after years of long term (and sometimes unhealthy) relationships. It's hard to put yourself out there. But sometimes you have to, if you're ready. Life's too short to regret something you wish you had done if only you had the courage.

 

Hang in there!

[Imajerk17]

Wow, talk about dating boot camp!

 

I can truly appreciate the responses.It may not be what we wanna hear, but perhaps some of us need to hear it.

 

Although, I will say try not to completely dismiss the fear & abandonment issues of females...it's real. I started a thread similar to this one in that my LDR guy stopped calling everyday.it started spearing as if he was playing games, so I pulled back. We're currently not really in communication just since my post. Although, there are parts of my life that he may not be able to accept and I can't keep giving him my energy because he started reminding me of my father, i.e. controlling to my mother. Additionally, father was never involved emotionally, physically, etc with me or my sisters. We are the products of that situation & we're trying to cope as best we can and trying to have positive,meaningful, lasting relationships.

 

So men remember, girls grow up to be mothers, lovers etc.Be good to your daughters, as the song goes. When you abandon your daughters you negatively impact her future for life...

 

The pain that has been ingrained in some of us is real guys.

 

So what. Men go through pain too. We've had to suffer belittlement, humiliation, rejection, girls disappearing on us after we've done a lot for us, and so on.

 

 

Does being a girl who suffers entitle you to a Medal Of Freedom or something?

[Imajerk17]

I suppose I could call him myself, but I'm used to being chased. I know it sounds terrible, but I've always had abandonment issues and I'm usually really into guys that are persistent and relentless with me. Also, I kinda feel like I don't need him to tell me that he's "just not into me".

 

I just feel so defeated when it comes to this ****. I just want someone to love me, that I don't have to be afraid to love back. I'm sick of dating and mind games and abusive, and emotionally damaging relationships. After all I've been through I kinda feel like I never want to put any effort into anything again.

 

These two paragraphs stood out to me. What, a guy has to resist your "no"s and force himself on you or something? You're probably picking the wrong guys.

[iJester]

That_girl, you deserve every bit of this(the dating part, I dunno what else you're complaining about, so I can't comment on that). Lazy, selfish, hypocrite. Enjoy it

Edited September 15, 2011 by iJester

[grkBoy]

That_girl, you're too hard on yourself, and too cynical.

 

Just call him. He needs to know you like him too.

 

Stop worrying about the right or wrong thing, or looking weak or needy. If you two are dating regularly, then he needs to see you're into him as well.

 

Call him and say hi. Tell him you miss him. Flirt with him if you want. Have some fun.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

That_girl - your 25. Don't give up entirely on dating. But I am going to share some things with you that I have learned through my own experiences.

 

I'm going to tell you the same thing I've told a few men on here. You can't determine your worth on the shirt tails of other people. If this is wrecking your confidence ask yourself what is sparking those feelings. (You did mention abandoment issues.) My guess is you were probably lacking confidence to begin with and this experience only heightened the foundation you already had. Take some time for yourself. To not worry about men or dating or if they are going to love you or leave you. Learn about yourself and think about what it is you want out of life and the kind of man that you want to be apart of that life. Beyond the "nice, funny and handsome" that is pretty generic. Ask yourself some tough questions. And start to see yourself as the prize. It's not all about him liking you and validating you through that. You have to ask yourself what kind of man do you want to be part of your life.

 

My second piece of advice to you is to not sleep with someone so soon. We all have gotten wrapped up in our emotions and hormones and no one can fault you for that without being a hypocrite themselves. Even the men responding to you angerly and are being belittling are acting out on their emotions. We've all been there. But if you want to see if a guy will stick around, create some anticipation and make him work for it. After all, he isn't going to give you a relationship just because you want one. Don't give him sex so easily either. Too many men do think it's okay to sleep with a woman with a "love her and leave her" attitude. But you can control avoiding those men by not sleeping with someone too soon. I am not condoning these type of men. I don't have much respect for them myself. But there are things you can do to try and avoid such a situation.

 

I do have a question for you. Do you not pursue men because of abandonment issues or because the kind of man you seek is one that will pursue you? This is an important question to ask yourself. I was often given the advice o take the first step. And when I did, it wasn't right for me. I wanted a man that would be aggressive in his pursuit of me. Naturally not all men are like that, and that's fine. But for me, the man that is right for me, will pursue. That doesn't mean he *always* has to call or make dates all the time, I can do that too, but I like me some old fashioned courting. Don't apologize for the way *you* want to see a relationship go. Despite bitter tirades to the contrary by certain people that need a different kind of partner then who you might be.

 

In your case, I say give him a quick texted to say Hi. Don't call him.

 

And start to focus on yourself. It's not going to be easy but start working through those feelings and emotions you have. Because your young and you have plenty of time to learn about yourself and what your looking for and having a healthy relationship. But it starts with you. And you'll find yourself in a better place. It doesn't mean you won't meet men that aren't nice or good. But you will be able to more easily spot the good ones from the bad and tell the bad ones to move along. Chin up.

[surferchic]

That's all well and good, but what happens when BOTH of you have abandonment issues? Then what?

 

You can't play so helpless all the time. Grow a pair of ovaries and call your man once in awhile.

 

If you don't want to take our advice, then don't. But don't come back here crying to LS when things don't work out, because we don't wanna hear it. You're not our girlfriend.

 

Lol! All I can do is laugh.

 

Thanks coach.