Troubles Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Well to start this off, lets say i've had a very very rough year since last September, i lost my mother to lung cancer who I was really close with and fell into a deep depression because of this. Several months later passed by and November came along and I met this amazing woman, she turned my life around completely!. We had both come out from similar relationships years before and both had the same, values, morals and so on. Everything went great and we eventually became a couple by January 2011, we were very much in love with eachother. February came and i had gotten some abnormal results from my doctors office. I was diagnosed with lung cancer, like anyone who has this upon their life I became depressed again. After that it became tough within the relationship as alot of the time I did want to be alone and she was really amazing to me, she stayed by myside and tried to be there for me as much as possible. She never gave up on me and told me she'd be there always. We did get into a few arguements here and there though because she did want to be there alot more than I would let her be for me at times, because in a way I feared that I wouldnt get better and that it wouldnt be good. Around May-June I told her maybe we should take a break because I didn't want my depression to down our relationship and I did not want to hurt her by not letting her always be around me for support. She disagree'd and got really angry at me for suggesting this, she always said "couples should stay strong and go through the hard times together" well I listened to her and we stayed together. The first Sunday of September 2011, she told me she couldnt do it anymore, she still believed i was her soul mate and we were amazing together. She wanted to be with me again but she needed me to get back to the guy I was where I let people help and support me through this difficult time. She didn't want to torture herself by holding on. It has been really difficult for me to get by this especially because the day after I lost someone very close to me, and have been trying to cope with everything all alone now. She was my bestfriend and we both agree'd that we both wanted a relationship and wanted to be together, we were both faithfull people who loved eachother and generally had no problems in the relationship except that one. I still love her and spoke to her about a day ago about what this all meant, I asked her fi she was moving on and she said that it didnt matter and she didn't think she should tell me if she was or not. (in other words, yes she is) because she told me "Im not dating anyone, or in a relationship but I am open to whatever happens". She did say to me that she does still want to get back with me and does want to continue from where we left off, also that I am the only man for her and that no other man could even compare, as well as that I am her soul mate and that she will always be there for me and my family but wouldnt untill I helped myself out and bettered myself, she said she needed some time to fix herself also and this was the time she was doing that. Im having a hard time accepting the fact that shes moving forward, especially after a weeks time of breaking up with me when I told her that she said "am i an evil person for wanting someone there?". I dont want her to hold back from being happy but It makes me feel like I didnt mean that much to her since she is moving forward so easily. I don't know what goes through girls minds when they break up with guys, I don't know if she is in a rebound relationship. But i've been having a really hard time coping with this all and having my health on top of it all, I have taken steps to bettering myself and I am still continuing treatment and going to therapy for my depression. I don't know if this is another case of, "you don't know what you got untill its gone" or if our relationship just needs some time apart so we can find ourselves before we give ourselves. What I need major help with, is how do I accept her moving forward and how should I go about it? Do i avoid contact from her at all?
sleepykitten Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Hey there, I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and break up, its hard to really know what to say, there could be all manner of reasons why she left-fear of losing you to cancer after getting too close, not being able to cope with being there for you-some people just cant do it! The main thing i think is for you to go no contact, please dont put your focus on trying to get her back, concentrate on you.
Thieves Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) Aw. Troubles, first I want to say I'm very sorry about you being diagnosed with lung cancer, especially with your mom having it first. I can't imagine how distressed you must be, and I wish there was more I could do than just give you words of encouragement, I really do. I don't know if this is another case of, "you don't know what you got untill its gone" or if our relationship just needs some time apart so we can find ourselves before we give ourselves. What I need major help with, is how do I accept her moving forward and how should I go about it? Do i avoid contact from her at all? To be honest, I think it's a bit of both. You (maybe momentarily) lost your soul mate, so of course when someone like that is removed from your life, you're going to look back and realize the great thing you shared. Secondly, and this is just my opinion, I think you two really may need a bit of time apart until you really get a grip on the fact that you've got lung cancer and are able to deal with it in a stable and effective way. Effective enough where yes, you can still have your 'down days', but you can also allow your significant other to be there for you wholly and completely. Where you can be in it together, instead of one person pushing and pulling away from the other when they try to help. The thing is, and I'm sure this is what really concerns you, is during the time apart while you two are 'finding yourselves', etc., it's possible that one of you (or both) may find out that being in each other's lives in a romantic way isn't in the cards for you two. As for that... well, only time can tell. But sleepykitten's right, you can't spend all your time worrying about this right now. You have to go NC, focus more on yourself, your treatment, and your therapy. You have to get yourself in a better place where you're really ready to accept another person in your life, whether it ends up being the girl you're talking about now or someone else just as great. Focus on getting a grip with your diagnosis, getting to a point of acceptance and finding out who you are. Just always remember: you are not your illness. It's only a part of you, and you're a person outside of that. Don't let it break you, Troubles. So more than ever, now's the time to do any questioning and soul searching that you've ever felt you needed to do. Edited September 15, 2011 by Thieves
Author Troubles Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Thank you both for the kind words, I really do appreciate it. Theives you are right I am very worried that during this time apart that she may find someone new and get into a romantic relationship with them, ( if she isn't already, i think she may in a relationship or seeing someone already)which has really hurt me because it has only been a week since we have broken up and it seems so soon to move forward, this has really been bothering me. I think because I do not know what is going through her mind, if she misses me and so forth it has also bothered me. So I am going to go through with the NC approach and work on myself and see where that takes me. It will not be easy, but my health should be my first priority right now.
appletini Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Your story eerily resembles mine, and I can really sympathise with much of this - regarding the lung cancer, I am so sorry you are going through this. So much of healing physically involves emotional wellbeing, and it's so hard to get better when you are being battered by something like a breakup. To be honest, I think she is doing something of a disservice to you by reiterating that she sees a future and you are "her soul mate". She's clearly open to moving on, but she's also open to getting back together... it's like she's doing what my ex did which was saying "we're done here but I'll give you a call if we're not". It's not giving you much of an opportunity to heal and move on and maybe find someone (not immediately, but eventually) who can love you more.
Author Troubles Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Yeah I know, im kind of left here alone to deal with this all while she gets a move on with things and starts dating, it sucks. But I do know that I ahve to focus on myself and my healing and i do know that I have to get passed my depression at this moment or I wont have any future at all. I think right now she is just missing the physical and is going to someone else to fill that void for her. It just sucks and doesnt help my healing.
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