appletini Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I've posted a few times already about my mutual (but devastating) breakup - but I have a quick question for everyone recently going through this right now: Are you hanging on because you're afraid of healing? I reflected on what I was feeling and why, even after such a doomed and mismatched relationship, I keep thinking about reconciliation and how to get him back... and I realized that I am terrified of the moment when I hear his name or think of him and feel nothing. Yet ironically, this is what we all work toward, right...?
denise_xo Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I haven't had a recent experience with this, but I identify with what you say about being scared of healing. I had an extremely traumatic relationship to a man several years ago and in spite of all the **** related to that it was so hard for me to let go because I just couldn't imagine what it would be like to be without any feelings for him, even if the state of having those feelings was extremely negative towards the end and he clearly didn't want anything to do with me. Having him bring up lots of conflicting and sad emotions somehow seemed better than nothing at the time. Sad, but true.
fetish1980 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Yes, fear of moving on from someone who was once the center of your life is terifying. We want to be healed and reach indiffference, that is the ultimate goal. The only way out if the pain is through, and sadly fear is one of the mixed emotions one experiences after a break up along with: guilt, anger, denial, and etc. fetish
Eddie Edirol Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I went through this. I thought that if I moved on from her, that i wouldnt want her if she came looking for me. And if i didnt have someone better, id thro away a good thing. That type of situation never happens, because when you move on, you become more objective and realize you wouldnt want him again, for multiple reasons. So dont worry, when you move on, you will feel so much better, that you will actually wonder why you didnt do it sooner.
Author appletini Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Thanks everyone. Denise, I was in a similar relationship several years ago and can understand that sort of fear... it was a horrible, unloving relationship but I still mourned it for awhile. Not long though, to be honest. Sorry you had to go through that too. I thought that if I moved on from her, that i wouldnt want her if she came looking for me. And if i didnt have someone better, id thro away a good thing. That's exactly how I feel right now, after only 2 days broken up. I'm already feeling the distance between us and feel good about moving on, but it terrifies me because I did really love him, and what if I'm the one throwing it away by not holding onto these feelings? But I think you're right. By the time he's ready to make contact, I'll be at the point of realizing how unfit we were to be together in the first place.
ScienceGal Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I feel that way right now. I think of him all the time and fantasize about him calling and apologizing. I know this will never happen. And he was not a good partner to me. But I hold on still...
ConfusedT Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 OMG Science, i fantasize too. he is this total non-emotional ******* and i just sit and think when will he call to say im sorry, say i miss you, say i love you and made a mistake? he wont so i continue to sit.... i am not afraid of healing honestly, i just cant let go! =(
Thieves Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) I reflected on what I was feeling and why, even after such a doomed and mismatched relationship, I keep thinking about reconciliation and how to get him back... and I realized that I am terrified of the moment when I hear his name or think of him and feel nothing. Yet ironically, this is what we all work toward, right...? Yes! I actually just made a thread kind of similar to this called "What if I never talk to him again?" and all I can say is, yes, I can completely relate. I feel (felt?) like if I accept he was part of my past then I'll slowly forget him, and the feelings will slowly fade into nothing. But do you know what's kind of weird? It's that now, considering I just broke NC recently and am really bummed out about it, the thought of not feeling anything about him doesn't seem so bad. It's like breaking NC kind of snapped a little sense into me and is making me realize how unhealthy it is to have a person affect your moods so much. Seriously, take a step back and look. I truly see now how unhealthy and slightly pathetic it is to trail after a person who is so inconsiderate or oblivious to your pain. I just wish I didn't have to break NC to realize this. I want to be ME again, an individual, not part of a painful non-existent relationship with someone who most likely doesn't care. So after breaking NC, and being angry about it for a while, I'm realizing that I'm more ready to accept that I won't feel much of anything for him sooner or later. I'm ready for it to happen now. I'm ready to get myself back. Edited September 15, 2011 by Thieves
Author appletini Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Thanks Thieves for the cautionary tale... I've thought about breaking NC a few times, but this board has helped me stay strong and on course. Unfortunately, what makes it hard is that we broke up very civilly and lovingly. One of those "it's not right" scenarios... and I know he is hurting as much as I am right now even though he initiated the breakup (and I, very willingly, went along with it). It makes it harder knowing that breaking NC will actually get something of an emotional response. But I guess it also makes it crueler in some ways to do it. Either way, thanks to all of you for your advice.
smudge21 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Totally 100% agree with this - I know eventually she will be a distant memory and I'll find it hard to remember feeling this close to her, she will in many ways, mean nothing to me... and that will be the end of it all. And that is so scary. In a way it's like having a loved one die and the feeling that you're going to forget about them, forget all the good times and what they meant to you. Same with relationships that fear of forgetting the joy you had despite the reason things went wrong. Letting go in this way is so hard.
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