unwanted attention

[breadandbutter]

Theres a guy at work that I believe seems to think I have the hots for him. Its little things he does that make me feel uncomfortable, for example during a conversation he asked why I gave him the 'look'...hence now Ive stopped making any form of eye contact with him. The other day, i was at my desk bending over for my shoes, he came up to my desk and asked me what I was doing...I had the feeling he was checking out my ass. During drinks after work, he left first but gave me a hug and no one else. When I walk past his desk and in my own thoughts, he said hello and I continued walking, he came up to my desk today and asked me what I was doing, and why I dont talk to him or say hello...he seems very persistant to get my attention, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I dont want to give him any sort of impression that I fancy him because I dont what do I do.

[Wolf1969]

I can give you my impressions as a guy.

 

1. The look. Did you ask him "what look?"

 

2. You had the feeling that he was checking out your ass. There's no way to prove that unless you have eyes back there. Could he have been? Sure. Was he definitely? You don't know. He could have just happen to come over right then.

 

3. He gave you a hug and nobody else. Were there any other women in your group? If not, there's your answer.

 

4. Walking by him and not acknowledging his "Hello" is rude. You can certainly reciprocate and keep walking.

 

It sounds to me like he is trying to flirt and maybe not being so subtle about it. You don't mention how long you have been working with him. Did you just start? Did he just start? If you have both worked there for a while, does he do this to other people? Other women? Has he asked you out directly? Maybe you're simply reading too much into it? Hard to say either way.

[breadandbutter]

1)Ok firstly once an old male collegue told me that sometimes all it takes is eye contact with some guys to make him think you like him (hence the look)...and no I did not ask this guy 'what look'

 

2)Fair comment i dont have eyes on the back of my head so you cannot really be sure, but another time I put some extra make up ready to go out and he said I looked nice (none of the other guys said this)

 

3)Yes there were other women in the group, yet he only hugged me

 

4)Ive been there just over 2 months and him longer, I dont actually need him for anything so technically dont need to speak to him at all (other men dont say hello when I walk past their desks).

 

5)And only today he seemed to be standing real close up to me (like almost invading my personal space)...no he does not do this to other women, he has not asked me out (thank god) but did ask one time why I didnt invite him to another after works drink and I replied it was organised last minute

 

Yes I agree with you about the flirting, I dont want any of it at all, no looks, no flattery, no standing to close to me.....no persistence, I dont want to give him the wrong message.

[denise_xo]

Next time he asks you how you are, tell him how you've just fallen in love with a gorgeous, sexy man. Alternatively, talk about your fabulous weekend with your boyfriend.

[breadandbutter]

gorgeous sexy man? he might think im talking about him

[denise_xo]

gorgeous sexy man? he might think im talking about him

 

well, you have to make it clear that it isn't

 

More generally, I find that it's a lot about projection and projecting 'unavailable', 'not interested' etc in subtle ways through body language, the way you talk, the way you respond to what is being said, and so on.

[Eddie Edirol]

Next time he asks you what youre doing, you should say "Im working, you should be too" very coldly. That way you shoo him away without having to be presumptuous.

 

Also , WHY did you let him hug you? Dont let him get close to you ever again. If he asks why, even if you have to do it in front of people, you say "Im not comfortable with you touching me". i know you dont want to be straight up with him, but you have to do this to keep him away from you, as long as he isnt doing anything that you can call HR about. You have to be extremely cold, dont ever face him, and make it clear that youre not interested in talking with him.

[nofool4u]

Theres a guy at work that I believe seems to think I have the hots for him. Its little things he does that make me feel uncomfortable, for example during a conversation he asked why I gave him the 'look'...hence now Ive stopped making any form of eye contact with him. The other day, i was at my desk bending over for my shoes, he came up to my desk and asked me what I was doing...I had the feeling he was checking out my ass. During drinks after work, he left first but gave me a hug and no one else. When I walk past his desk and in my own thoughts, he said hello and I continued walking, he came up to my desk today and asked me what I was doing, and why I dont talk to him or say hello...he seems very persistant to get my attention, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I dont want to give him any sort of impression that I fancy him because I dont what do I do.

 

It wouldn't be one of these situations would it?

 

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f39_1180686387

[tman666]

It wouldn't be one of these situations would it?

 

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f39_1180686387

 

HAHAHA TRUTH!

 

[daphne]

I've experienced a lot of this in the past myself, and am currently experiencing it as well. When I was younger, I was too subtle, like you. Guys like that aren't going to set boundaries for you. They're going to try to run over them to see how far it gets them. Like Eddie said, you're going to have to be blunt. And do not let him touch you. Don't let any guy touch you that you're not comfortable with.

 

I really like the idea of gushing about a fictitious bf. I used to have a problem with having to lie to get someone to back off, but it's just pragmatic. You can watch their affection shrivel up right in front of you.

 

What you've been doing is not working. You're going to have to get a lot better about setting boundaries or he will continue to make you uncomfortable. And then blame you for his behavior. It's routine for this type of guy.

 

You need to set boundaries. It's better to be cold. He's being rude, don't worry about how you come across. If he does not respect teh boundaries, make it clear that you will talk to someone. You need to start documenting yesterday. Each conversation and incident. So you have a record of what happened when or if you have to go to HR.

 

Currently, I've spent the entire 2011 ignoring and coldly avoiding eye contact with an old married guy who is a stage 5 clinger that doesn't get that I'm not interested. He still won't leave me alone but I don't work directly with him and I just walk away. I have learned not to care if I appear rude. It feels a lot better to have control than to be ingratiating to someone who is trying to push his sexual agenda on me. The last guy like him still sends me birthday cards and used to stalk me. You do not want to go through that torture.

 

Good luck.

[Eddie Edirol]

It feels a lot better to have control than to be ingratiating to someone who is trying to push his sexual agenda on me. The last guy like him still sends me birthday cards and used to stalk me. You do not want to go through that torture.

 

Good luck.

 

This is a great point, you will feel much better when you feel in control rather than feeling helpless hoping for him to go away.

 

My gf is getting this at work on an almost daily basis. She has guys asking to go out for coffee, asking for her number, and she has to tell then straight up "No thanks, Im not interested, my bf wouldnt like that". If she just stayed nice to them and made up excuses to turn them down, they would keep trying. One guy has tried twice, and though he is nice about it, the third time she has to tell him the same thing she will be rude, and doesnt have a problem with it.

 

Not to derail the thread, but Daphne, Im lmao at the term "stage 5 clinger", but I dont know what the other 4 stages are, can you elaborate? I want to be able to use it right. We have many clingers on this board.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[stillafool]

Next time he asks you what youre doing, you should say "Im working, you should be too" very coldly. That way you shoo him away without having to be presumptuous.

 

Also , WHY did you let him hug you? Dont let him get close to you ever again. If he asks why, even if you have to do it in front of people, you say "Im not comfortable with you touching me". i know you dont want to be straight up with him, but you have to do this to keep him away from you, as long as he isnt doing anything that you can call HR about. You have to be extremely cold, dont ever face him, and make it clear that youre not interested in talking with him.

 

 

Exactly! There is no way you should have let him hug you. I absolutely agree that you should tell him the above. How old are you?

[Feelin Frisky]

Anyway you can get a hickey on your neck from someone or something else? Seeing that on a girl at work that I like always cures my infatuation.

 

Bust seriously, ever hear of people playing "cupid" on the job where they'll say something to someone else to found out if there is a chance? Well, there is also reverse cupid. Is there anyone you know that he knows that you can ask to tell him you're not into him at all and really want him to stop cruising you? You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable while you're working and maybe intimidated. If it bothers you too much you can tell him nicely that whatever he's got in his head about you ain't happening with you and you'd appreciate being left alone. After that, it's definitely time to see an authority if you don't want to go there now. Good luck.

[daphne]

My gf is getting this at work on an almost daily basis. She has guys asking to go out for coffee, asking for her number, and she has to tell then straight up "No thanks, Im not interested, my bf wouldnt like that". If she just stayed nice to them and made up excuses to turn them down, they would keep trying. One guy has tried twice, and though he is nice about it, the third time she has to tell him the same thing she will be rude, and doesnt have a problem with it.

 

Not to derail the thread, but Daphne, Im lmao at the term "stage 5 clinger", but I dont know what the other 4 stages are, can you elaborate? I want to be able to use it right. We have many clingers on this board.

 

Stage 5 clinger is from the Wedding Crashers. We do have many clingers on this board.

 

Sounds like your gf knows how to handle this kind of guy. I wish they taught all girls how to assertive in this kind of situation early on.

 

Funny, I once told a guy at a sushi bar that was trying to ask me out that I didn't think my bf would be cool with it. My then bf didn't really care, but I was trying to give the guy a polite hint that I wasn't interested. He blasted me for being with a psycho and being so desperate for a bf that I'd put up with anything. I got tired of being polite to a social retard who was trying to push me into a date that I clearly didn't want and I called him a loser. I usually don't talk to people like that, but sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire. Interestingly, he brought a girl to the same place and tried to make me jealous.

[breadandbutter]

Thanks for all your advice, im going to be leaving this company anyway. When he overheard he said 'you're leaving me?' And even today he was trying to get my attention by walking past my desk and tapping on it totally bizzare.

[KathyM]

Theres a guy at work that I believe seems to think I have the hots for him. Its little things he does that make me feel uncomfortable, for example during a conversation he asked why I gave him the 'look'...hence now Ive stopped making any form of eye contact with him. The other day, i was at my desk bending over for my shoes, he came up to my desk and asked me what I was doing...I had the feeling he was checking out my ass. During drinks after work, he left first but gave me a hug and no one else. When I walk past his desk and in my own thoughts, he said hello and I continued walking, he came up to my desk today and asked me what I was doing, and why I dont talk to him or say hello...he seems very persistant to get my attention, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I dont want to give him any sort of impression that I fancy him because I dont what do I do.

I would suggest you tell him next time he says something that indicates interest, that you don't want to give him the wrong impression, but you would prefer to keep things on a professional level with him. I think that would get the message accross.