othersideofthepillow Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 So here it is. I am the dumpee. We were together for about a year. Its been a few months since the break up. Right after the break up no contact was made by either of us. After a few weeks, she started to initiate contact. This continued for a few weeks. At one point, i did not answer anymore. She did not like that. Got upset asking why I wouldnt respond and I told her i was busy. After that, some communication continued. I than went to her place for a visit (different day) and she was a little distant so I chose to leave. She wanted to know where i was going and i informed her that she was confusing me and sending me mixed signals. She informed me that she only likes me as a friend now. i told her not to contact me at all anymore than and i cannot be friends since i see her as more than a friend. So, will she contact me again even though i told her not too? Does she still have any romantic feelings left and just afraid to admit them to me since she was the one that ended it? She doesnt want to get back together right? She was just stinging me along? Your thoughts and opinions - ladies please let me know your opinions too!
smudge21 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Sadly she probably has lost those feelings for you and doesn't want the relationship back, otherwise, she would get it back and do whatever it takes to do so. It's more than likely she got used to having you around and yeah, likes you a hell of a lot still, but doesn't want what you want. She simply misses you and can't get used to you not being there. Her ego is probably bruised as you stood your ground and went NC. For most dumpers, this is confusing as they often expect some begging and pleading. They end up questioning themselves - "did he really love me at all..." - that sort of thing. I think there are a lot of heartless dumpers out there who like to keep stringing an ex along, they feed off the dumpees hopes and love the attention. I don't see that here and I'm sure you'd know if that was the case. I just feel dumpers sometimes have regrets but in the same way don't want to go back - they get stuck in the middle and kinda' want the ex around but don't at the same time. Hence where "do you want to be friends" often comes from. Like you I told my ex I had to say goodbye and made it clear. Yeah, she's been in touch and I can tell there are feelings there, but they'll never be as I want them, so sadly we can never get back together or even be close friends. Sad but true. Stay NC and live your life... no one can say what tomorrow will bring, so try not to focus on it.
Author othersideofthepillow Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 That is what i feel about the situation as much as it hurt to hear someone else say it, but honesty is honesty and the world isn't a nice place. I have been able to let go of the "old" relationship that ended (and it did need to end). The missing her never goes away. Some days are good. Some days are bad. I am trying not to think about her/getting back together since she has only "friend feelings" for me now. It would have been nice to give it another chance, cause a lot of things have changed since (both within myself as well as reasons that caused the break up) but i can't force someone to give it another try. I miss her as the woman i love and also as my best friend.....
A7X Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I hear you on this one! I missed her like that once as well and it's hard to live threw this. Both unfortunatly and thankfully, I learned her true colours that made those feelings go away for me...
Author othersideofthepillow Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 maybe now that i'm completely gone reality will set in for her and "those" feelings will come back - DOUBT IT but who knows
EgoJoe Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 What you have done has put you in the best position possible for those feelings to come back but don't count on it and plan for them not to. Now, make yourself more attractive...learn about being a challenge, leader in a relationship etc. Keep your head up, you've done well and handled it like a champ.
Author othersideofthepillow Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Thanks for the posts so far. An i have indeed tried to handle it the best way possible. I have done phenomenal work on myself (lost 25+ lbs - I WAS NOT OVERWEIGHT AT ALL - but i am back to my lean, muscular form) and have stored ALL the areas that went wrong/areas that i need to handle differently in my next relationship(s) in my long term memory. No one can say if indeed in time it will be with her again, but like you said EgoJoe i am working myself to fight those thoughts of it being with her again and focusing on moving forward. Any opinions from the female perspective....?
LuluinAZ Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Sometimes when a dumper ends a relationship, it is after a lot of soul-searching and what-iffing... that can take a while so when they finally do initiate the break up, they have had a chance to get over you a little. You, on the other hand, haven't had that luxury, so it comes as a shock and you begin to grieve for the relationship. You are going through the stages of grief now, maybe you are in the bargaining stage (maybe if I look great, etc.), but your ex has passed through the stages. We all love at different speeds and depths. There are breakups that devastate you and others that are a blip on the radar. Sometimes we wonder how someone can get over us so quickly, and others when we wonder why someone is making such a big deal out of things. This has become a reality for me this week that my S has moved on and I cannot stand any more blows to my dignity, so I'm taking the steps to move on too. I'm taking the advice of many people here and getting on with my life, improving myself, getting in touch with people I've lost touch with and in general, seeking out the joy I need that I won't be receiving in the relationship any more. You sound like you are well on your way, but that you find some hope in reuniting.... her words say she doesn't want to, but that she misses your company.. sometimes. That doesn't sound like it's very good for you and is making you off balance. Hope this helps and that you will be able to heal sooner rather than later.
IfiKnewThen Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 quote LuluinAZ: Sometimes when a dumper ends a relationship, it is after a lot of soul-searching and what-iffing... that can take a while so when they finally do initiate the break up, they have had a chance to get over you a little. You, on the other hand, haven't had that luxury, so it comes as a shock and you begin to grieve for the relationship. You are going through the stages of grief now, maybe you are in the bargaining stage (maybe if I look great, etc.), but your ex has passed through the stages. We all love at different speeds and depths. There are breakups that devastate you and others that are a blip on the radar. Sometimes we wonder how someone can get over us so quickly, and others when we wonder why someone is making such a big deal out of things. This has become a reality for me this week that my S has moved on and I cannot stand any more blows to my dignity, so I'm taking the steps to move on too. I'm taking the advice of many people here and getting on with my life, improving myself, getting in touch with people I've lost touch with and in general, seeking out the joy I need that I won't be receiving in the relationship any more. You sound like you are well on your way, but that you find some hope in reuniting.... her words say she doesn't want to, but that she misses your company.. sometimes. That doesn't sound like it's very good for you and is making you off balance. Hope this helps and that you will be able to heal sooner rather than later. this is such good advise. i would like to write a personal note and ask you a question..just for a little advise
Author othersideofthepillow Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 i understand what you mean. there have been times in past relationships that i wondered what it would be like, however, that's all it was - a wonder. my feelings for the past relationship(s) were always strong enough to easily combat them make them a insignificant blimp on the "what if" radar. at first it was a what if i look good, but now its for myself. i am proud of my new appearance and look forward to keeping it up. there where many instances of "miss you", "why are you not responding/ignoring me", "please talk to me" texts and in the end turned out to be just something for me to respond to (obviously the latter 2 texts were when i decided i was/had enough confusion). there are many things in her life right now and i do wish her all the best in life and with the obstacles that she will undoubtedly face in the near future...there is always a "hope" and "wonder" and perhaps feelings do remain on her end, but like they say actions speak louder than words and i cant hold on to "just words".
Mary-Jane Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 there are many things in her life right now and i do wish her all the best in life and with the obstacles that she will undoubtedly face in the near future...there is always a "hope" and "wonder" and perhaps feelings do remain on her end, but like they say actions speak louder than words and i cant hold on to "just words". You are doing things for yourself - that's great, just keep going. In this situation it doesn't look like there is much hope in short term (that's not to say she won't regret her decision after more time has passed, maybe years, but that shouldn't be your concern then, hopefully) so best to try and get over it, without being there for her. Time will help.
Author othersideofthepillow Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) i used to be "kinda" there (after the split - was ALWAYS THERE while we were together) for her but now im gone and dont want to be there anymore. no reason to be if nothing will come from it cause she wants something different than what i do. i am proud of the steps ive taken as well as the lessons that i have learned since the split. another thing i might add though as im wondering this, we moved in together (lasted for some time as well as got a dog together - living here in Florida seems every couple has a dog lol)...will those 2 things, now that they are not there anymore, make her feelings come back and want to give it another shot? i know they wont, but im not a woman and dont know if things like living together and having a dog together are held closer or of more value to them....so i would really love a womans perspective with this issue Edited September 16, 2011 by othersideofthepillow
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