Flgirl44 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I'm not a great writer so bear with me. These are some things that have gone through my mind recently so I thought I would get it off my chest. It's been over a year since my ex-bf of 4 years ( F24, M28) cheated on me during my college graduation with a teen and gave me an STD. This has thrown me into a huge depression. Most of my friends went out of state for grad school, I had no bf, no school, no job, 3,000 miles away from my family. I'm starting to climb out but it's been really hard. Here's some things I've learned/ felt along the way. ---- The cheating happened and my love for him didn't die right away, it died slowly and painfully over the course of the following year. ----The love for him could've survived had he not drawn out the process of divulging the truth. ---- His love for his own comfort overshadowed my need for truth and honesty and helped me realize that many times the cheater's lack of empathy and compassion that drove them to do it in the first place is the same lack of empathy and compassion required help you deal with it and move forward. --- Finding out the brutal truth can be helpful if they are truthful about everything, if not-it's just torture. (why would he tell me she wore lingerie and all the amazing sex they had without being honest about the most basic-like how many times and how long it went on) Probably to subtly hint at what I wasn't doing for him, but why not just be honest at that point the cat is already out of the bag so to speak. ----I have cheated so it helped me understand the dynamic that goes on in their head. Made it near impossible to get over. Somewhat ironic and sad to have such perspective. ---Part of the reason I dwelled on it so long and came back was ego. It hurt my ego and pride and I think I hung on to the relationship to fix that broken pride. This was a mistake. ---Many people say women are more bothered by emotional aspect. Im not. I don't want to compete with the sex they had, so I never even tried. Our sex life got worse, I didn't try to rock his world like some do when they fight for the relationship I closed up. I would masturbate constantly the second he left the room, or while he was home just so I would know I was withholding. I still have a sex drive mother****er, it's just not with you. I know this was unhealthy and part of the reason I left. ----You don't realize how much dignity you have left in that situation when you are in the midst of it because you feel like you've been stripped of everything. I didn't realize until a year out that I did indeed have something to lose at that point by going back to him, and I should've protected what I had left. ----It's always worse than what you think. There are very few cases where the person 'just kissed them', 'didn't have feelings' etc.... Many chances what you guys liked to do together, and how you ****ed...thats what he did with her. People are not so original. Remember that feeling you had when you guys first met? He/she did that with someone else. ---In the initial stages you look for information as a way to "make it okay" or "not as bad" once you realize that it is "not okay" and "is that bad" you will get angry. ---The cheating also stripped me of my rose tinted glasses. Once I stopped loving him the fairytale way I was able to see that he was a dick and that's why I pulled away to begin with. You hear that guys, sometimes your actions cause women to clam up, that's why it's so common. --- One thing that helped was realizing that while what he did was bad, it just means we have differing opinions on love and monogamy. This is what hurts the most. Feeling we were on the same page and compatible, only to find out with many years invested that is not the case. It helped to realize that through this not everyone has the same values and dwelling on why someone doesn't act as you would is very detrimental in all areas of life. It's a huge waste of energy. I decided to stop dwelling on why he would do this if he loved me etc.... the plain fact is he didn't love me the way I want to be loved. My definition is the only one that mattered and he didn't meet it, that's what you should focus on. Thanks for listening. We weren't one of the couples that got stronger and it's because he wasn't truly sorry, and he was selfish even before the cheating. I'm curious what you all think and if you have any similar thoughts of your own.
fltc Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 ...again, if your partner cheats, end it immediately! Recovery isn't possible, you may think it is, you may get back together for years but the mental pictures will bother you forever, the betrayal will haunt you forever, you'll never be able to totally trust him/her again and very few of us are able to live with that. If you end it immediately, your healing will progress faster, if you can find someone else, your healing will progress even faster but it will still take years and never be complete. I'm sure I'll hear from those who have "successfully" reconciled but if you say you trust him/her totally and you say the thought of betrayal never bothers you, you're being less than truthful.
nofool4u Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 there is only one thing I need to get over cheating. and thats not being with the one that cheated on me.
Doo Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 You should have revenge sex with your ex-bf's best friend, brother, or other person close to him.
Author Flgirl44 Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 there is only one thing I need to get over cheating. and thats not being with the one that cheated on me. I agree. Those thoughts of cheating still pop up from time to time but it is a lot less painful and less frequent when im not sitting in the same room as the person responsible for it. As much as I loved him, my heart is too heavy in his presence and it's not fair to myself. I don't want to live that way, I mourn the fact that he created this dynamic that I have to walk away from.
nofool4u Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 You should have revenge sex with your ex-bf's best friend, brother, or other person close to him. or how about this? --> http://www.badsamaritan.com/archives/2001/04/bad_advice_this_cheating_heart.php
Author Flgirl44 Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 You should have revenge sex with your ex-bf's best friend, brother, or other person close to him. Can't say I haven't thought about it. I've thought about keeping him around and just live my life the way I want, if someone comes along i'd take the opportunity. That's not a real relationship though, I want to feel in love. Admire the person I am with, respect them, honor them, and they inspire me to be a good person--not bad.
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