JavaButterfly Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Almost three years now and the divorce is still at a standstill. She controls every aspect of our life. Im not sure anymire if he truly wants to stand up to her. In the mean time our life is on hold. Im so confused and scared
TigerCub Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 why is the divorce at a standstill? I always thought a divorce can happen even if only 1 partner in the M wants out. Its not like both keys need to turn like in launching a missile. (yes, that's from seinfeld), but I mean it seriously. If he wants out, why can't the divorce go through - how can the W keep it at a standstill?
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I agree with everyone else. He can stand up and end this. I'm sure she is controlling it by how much she feels entitled to. He won't settle on that amount and she knows it? And she won't budge? It comes down to what he is willing to give up to have freedom. I'm sure it would be hard to work your entire life to lose more than you feel you should. But, if he wants out bad enough he will. I have seen people walk with just the clothing on their back.
Author JavaButterfly Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Got as far as court date fir final. She would not cimplete paj7renting class and now both if them cannot afford to pay their lawyers.....he just lets it go saying nothing he can do cause sge filed ......and he cant file on top of a filing. So we continue this game of wait n see. When we first met he the papers had jus been filed....they both dropped the ball imo We live together and have his kids every other weekend...she has someone in hr life she lives with but doesnt want to let go of the reigns....
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I don't know what state you live in, I know laws are different in each. However, I know that most states have recognized that far too many stbx's were getting away with dragging out divorces. There fore there have been many laws put into place to where this can stop from happening. I know you can not file on top of filing. But you don't have to have a lawyer to get a divorce. You can represent yourself. In my state if it was a court ordered parent clasees needed to be taken prior to D, if one of the parties does not take those, they are in contempt of court. So, is she not since this is mandated by the court? I'm sorry, but if it doesn't involve $ and he is just not willing to commit to what she is wanting (and usually in those cases now, the judge will make that decision if the two parties can not agree), then there is something up here. Somethings not adding up. So, is there a piece of the puzzle i'm missing that would explain this better?
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Oh course there are probably a lot of pieces missing here, as you didn't give us to much to go by. Only two sentences. Maybe instead of us all taking "shots in the dark", you can provide us with the story, so we can best understand what is going on and how we can help support you and give you feed back.
MissBee Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Almost three years now and the divorce is still at a standstill. She controls every aspect of our life. Im not sure anymire if he truly wants to stand up to her. In the mean time our life is on hold. Im so confused and scared Why are you scared? What do you mean she controls every aspect of your lives? I find that hard to believe...please explain. Does she know about you? Is your relationship in the open? I need more info to make a more valid contribution. However, I will say that if you're with a man and you feel like his stbxw controls every aspect of your lives...then yes that is alarming, particularly if you feel like this man rolls over and allows it.
herenow Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Got as far as court date fir final. She would not cimplete paj7renting class and now both if them cannot afford to pay their lawyers.....he just lets it go saying nothing he can do cause sge filed ......and he cant file on top of a filing. So we continue this game of wait n see. When we first met he the papers had jus been filed....they both dropped the ball imo We live together and have his kids every other weekend...she has someone in hr life she lives with but doesnt want to let go of the reigns.... How is it possible for her to "control every aspect of your lives" when you live together? You even get the kids every other weekend. I would say she is being kind if she has agreed to that. No way in he** I would willingly let my kids stay with my H and an OW ever.
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 How is it possible for her to "control every aspect of your lives" when you live together? You even get the kids every other weekend. I would say she is being kind if she has agreed to that. No way in he** I would willingly let my kids stay with my H and an OW ever. I COMPLETELY 100% agree with your statement. In most states, the W or H have the ability to say no or yes to living arrangments with their stbx. She is allowing you to be around her children and allowing you to let you live together. I saw that portion, but didn't make this connection until HN brought it up. She seems like she is very kind. So, again like I said....just seems like their are some huge pieces of this puzzle missing. Could you fill us in??
TigerCub Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 How is it possible for her to "control every aspect of your lives" when you live together? You even get the kids every other weekend. I would say she is being kind if she has agreed to that. No way in he** I would willingly let my kids stay with my H and an OW ever. I COMPLETELY 100% agree with your statement. In most states, the W or H have the ability to say no or yes to living arrangments with their stbx. She is allowing you to be around her children and allowing you to let you live together. I saw that portion, but didn't make this connection until HN brought it up. She seems like she is very kind. So, again like I said....just seems like their are some huge pieces of this puzzle missing. Could you fill us in?? If the wife is living with some guy of her own, she can't really get all demanding on the woman living with her H.
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 If the wife is living with some guy of her own, she can't really get all demanding on the woman living with her H. Hold the phone. Where did I miss that???? Okay, so i'm trying to understand this.... the W is living with OM, and the H is living with OW. And yet, neither of them are trying to get this D finalized. TC... where did you see that so valid piece of info I missed? Am I crazy? Am I missing something in all of this? Is this adding up to you? Or has my mind just completely lost its ability to think and reason???
TigerCub Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Here it is Wannab, Got as far as court date fir final. She would not cimplete paj7renting class and now both if them cannot afford to pay their lawyers.....he just lets it go saying nothing he can do cause sge filed ......and he cant file on top of a filing. So we continue this game of wait n see. When we first met he the papers had jus been filed....they both dropped the ball imo We live together and have his kids every other weekend...she has someone in hr life she lives with but doesnt want to let go of the reigns....
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Here it is Wannab, Well HOLY HELL, batman....fo sho... in b/w. WOW. So, what is the deal????? This isn't adding up. Which I get that happens a lot of forums, cuz its hard to write out everything. But, seriously...is it just me this doesn't add up with??? I'm really asking.
pureinheart Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Got as far as court date fir final. She would not cimplete paj7renting class and now both if them cannot afford to pay their lawyers.....he just lets it go saying nothing he can do cause sge filed ......and he cant file on top of a filing. So we continue this game of wait n see. When we first met he the papers had jus been filed....they both dropped the ball imo We live together and have his kids every other weekend...she has someone in hr life she lives with but doesnt want to let go of the reigns.... (((((((((hugs))))))))) I don't know what to say except I wish people wouldn't be such jerks and just work out their stuff, eliminating the middle man (like lawyers, mediators and such)...it would save soooo much money. I never had to have a mediator thank God! One time I had to retain a lawyer to protect my inheritance, but I did most of the work:rolleyes:. I wish you well....
pureinheart Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 How is it possible for her to "control every aspect of your lives" when you live together? You even get the kids every other weekend. I would say she is being kind if she has agreed to that. No way in he** I would willingly let my kids stay with my H and an OW ever. Kind? Wow....I think this is what the OP is referring to. It should be a given that the kids see their dad, without the intervention or whatever of the ex. The only intervention that should take place is in the event of abuse. Period.
bentnotbroken Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Kind? Wow....I think this is what the OP is referring to. It should be a given that the kids see their dad, without the intervention or whatever of the ex. The only intervention that should take place is in the event of abuse. Period. I don't' know what state you live in, but it is can be made a part of the visitation agreement in most places that the children aren't exposed to a new partner for a specified period of time. If the affair partner is known that too can be added to a custody arrangement. Been there done that.
wannabdone Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I don't' know what state you live in, but it is can be made a part of the visitation agreement in most places that the children aren't exposed to a new partner for a specified period of time. If the affair partner is known that too can be added to a custody arrangement. Been there done that. In my state the W or H has the ability to not allow the children to visit the oher parent if the parent is living with someone else. It doesn't matter if the divorce is final or not. Even after the D is final, if the xW or xH doesn't want their children staying in a home where their x is living with someone they can put a stop to visitation. Oh course, if the x decides to get married, the other parent can do nothing about this. But as far as living with someone with out the legalities of marriage, they absolutely can. So in my state, that W would be considered to be "kind".
bentnotbroken Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 In my state the W or H has the ability to not allow the children to visit the oher parent if the parent is living with someone else. It doesn't matter if the divorce is final or not. Even after the D is final, if the xW or xH doesn't want their children staying in a home where their x is living with someone they can put a stop to visitation. Oh course, if the x decides to get married, the other parent can do nothing about this. But as far as living with someone with out the legalities of marriage, they absolutely can. So in my state, that W would be considered to be "kind". My state too.
herenow Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 (edited) Kind? Wow....I think this is what the OP is referring to. It should be a given that the kids see their dad, without the intervention or whatever of the ex. The only intervention that should take place is in the event of abuse. Period. The OP CLEARLY states that the BW is controlling "every aspect of their lives". It is the second sentence in the original post if you care to read it. If that is the case, then yes, the BW is being kind. I'm just reading what the OP has said and taking it as the truth. Edited September 14, 2011 by herenow
fooled once Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 How is it possible for her to "control every aspect of your lives" when you live together? You even get the kids every other weekend. I would say she is being kind if she has agreed to that. No way in he** I would willingly let my kids stay with my H and an OW ever. I was wondering the same as you Herenow. The mean old wife isn't controlling where the OW lives, isn't controlling if the OW can be around her kids, isn't controlling them living together. What exactly is she controlling? Kind? Wow....I think this is what the OP is referring to. It should be a given that the kids see their dad, without the intervention or whatever of the ex. The only intervention that should take place is in the event of abuse. Period. No, it shouldn't be a "given" that kids see their dad without the intervention or whatever of the ex. A good mother makes sure her kids are well cared for, aren't around vermin, aren't part of a power play by a parent. A good mother makes sure her kids are well cared for - financially and emotionally. A good mother protects her kids, even from their 'dad' if need be.
donnamaybe Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I don't' know what state you live in, but it is can be made a part of the visitation agreement in most places that the children aren't exposed to a new partner for a specified period of time. If the affair partner is known that too can be added to a custody arrangement. Been there done that. That would be in the best interest of the children anyway, but you have to remember that is lower on some folks' priority list than others'.
herenow Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 It always amazes me when people say the BW is in control. If we had so much control over our H's, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. How is it that a MM can cheat on his wife and then not get divorced because the wife tells him he can't? Seems to me MM cheat because they want to. In that case, why not leave if they want to?
Severely Unamused Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 (edited) It always amazes me when people say the BW is in control. If we had so much control over our H's, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Very true. There is no cartoonish puppet master. The closest thing would be the MP...but even than, the MP isn't omnipotent. And the informed AP definitely has a heads up over the uninformed BS. Knowledge is power. Edited September 15, 2011 by Severely Unamused
MissBee Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Very true. There is no cartoonish puppet master. The closest thing would be the MP...but even than, the MP isn't omnipotent. And the informed AP definitely has a heads up over the uninformed BS. Knowledge is power. Very true! I wish the OP would elaborate on what she means by every aspect of their lives is controlled by the W...as I have a very funny picture in my mind of her telling them where they can go, when they can have sex, them having to ask her permission to do things and these very silly things,simply because I don't know what she means
country_gurl Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 This post is a perfect example of WHY it's not a good idea for any single person to get involved with someone who's separated/isn't yet officially DIVORCED. Just because someone is 'separated' when you meet them, or in this case has filed for divorce, things could stall or take forever to finalize. I feel sorry for the kids in this case; their Mommy is shacked up with some guy and their Daddy is shacked up with some woman and they just go back and forth between the 2 homes yet Mommy & Daddy are still married. They're the innocent ones in all of this who have no say in anything, they just have to do and go what/where they're told.
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