Anyone's ex ever wanted to be "friends?"

[TheDovic]

Hi guys,

 

I posted the other day stating my ex gf had contacted me after a period of NC saying she is sad and misses me and would like to be "friends" so we could spend some time together.

 

Don't think she's trying to let me down easy as some dumpers tend to do because it's been over two months and I've barely showed any interest, neediness and NO desperation.

 

My question is, has anything like this happened to anyone else? Have you ever been friends with an ex, and how did this turn out?

 

All comments welcome

[smudge21]

Simple question - how would you react if your ex started talking about her new relationship, or that she was getting engaged or even pregnant to her new guy? If that hurts in the slightest way, then you're not ready to be her friend.

 

The reason she's probably contacting you is to feed her own ego - not in a nasty way, but in a way that she is or was used to you being around and showing her interest. So in a way she is missing you, but is not sure, hence why she's suggesting friends only.

 

I did that same, responded to those bread crumbs as she wanted to know I was still being friendly with her. I was as I have no ill will towards her, but once she knew that, she went quiet again. I knew she would as I know her. I know she just needed that bit of her ego stroked.

 

To come back though, there is no harm being friends with an ex aslong as all the feelings have gone and that usually takes a lot longer, typically went both parties are in other relationships. Your choice.

[TheDovic]

Just me then!? She's calling me pet names and was jokinglt cross with me for not inviting her around to watch "The Office" on Sat nite. She also said she wants to start doing things together cos she misses having fun with me!

 

Please, any advice at all is welcome

[geegirl]

She wants to have all the benefits of being in your life and enjoying the "good parts" of what you both had but without a relationship. While she can't commit to you anymore in that fashion, she wants the good times with you, which she now packages as a friendship. Don't read into things. She wants the benefits of an R, except without the R.

 

You can have her in your life, ONLY if you are indifferent about her. If you know that you have even an inkling of emotion for her, I would highly suggest you keep NC. If you are already questioning her intent, chances are, you're going to get hurt if you keep in contact.

 

Remember, she is not as emotional as you are so she can keep you in her life on her terms. You on the other hand are still emotionally tangled so you're at risk, not her.

[Mack05]

Just me then!? She's calling me pet names and was jokinglt cross with me for not inviting her around to watch "The Office" on Sat nite. She also said she wants to start doing things together cos she misses having fun with me!

 

Please, any advice at all is welcome

 

Crumbs Crumbs Crumbs. Be all means be her friend and spend the next few weeks and months wondering whats going on and then getting your heart broken all over again. You are like a lot of people on this site Dovic. You are looking for advice and when it's the advice you don't want to hear, you casually ignore it and keep posting until you get the advice that you do want to hear.

 

Read Homebrew's post above yours now -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t286064/. The correct thing to do is this -> You talk to her and explain that you are no longer a couple and that you have no desire to be friends. Why? because you are not ready and you have no idea (if ever) when you will be. You wish her well and ask her to respect your need for space..Now two things will happen.

 

1) She will stick to NC and then you have your answer. She just missed your company, but never wanted to get back together. This will save you months of additional heartbreak.

 

2) She will move heaven and earth to get back with you. She will show you with actions she wants you back. She will respect you more, because you made her work hard to get you back and will be less inclined to leave you in future, without seriously thinking it through first.

 

Giving in and meeting her, you may as well get a tatoo of doormat written on your head. If you choose option 2 and she comes back in a big way, then you have another series of questions you need to answer. Can I trust her?, being the biggest one. She left me once, whats stopping her doing it again. Rebuilding trust after a relationship ends (and then there is a reconcilation) is a massive task. It's the reason why so many reconcilations fail. You will also have to deal with problems, that you just weren't expecting. Yes some people get back together and make it work, but they are in a small minority. I have read a few posters on LS recently describe a relationship ending "as broken glass". It's near impossible to put it back together.

 

As arrogant as this may sound, I have given you the correct advice. Now are you going to heed this advice or keep posting until you hear something you want to hear? (which is the incorrect advice). Your choice buddy..

Edited September 15, 2011 by Mack05

[Mack05]

Adding. In my opinion and I could be wrong about this. I think she is not sure, that she has made the right decision in leaving you. Stress can make people do silly things they regret (afterall we are all human). I think she wants to be friends and maybe see's what happens after that. By going NC on her, the message you are giving her is -> thanks for the luke warm sentiment, but I am better then that and I deserve better treatment then that. You are saying to her "If you want me back u fight for me, if not best of luck to you in your new life".

[Thornton]

I have a rule of not being friends with exes. When exes are friends, either one or both of them is using the other for an ego boost, or is hoping for a reconciliation. Because of the history between them, the friendship will always be inappropriately close, and this is likely to cause issues in a future relationship.

 

I really don't see the point of jeopardizing a new relationship for the sake of an old one which didn't work anyway. My new relationship is my priority, and my ex is history. So I don't stay friends with exes, and I don't date anyone who is friends with their ex - it simply isn't worth the hassle.

[gbadboy]

My ex and I broke up after I broke his heart and the last straw happend when he still asked me out and I rejected him (big mistake on my part,which im now living with). After that, he became furious with me - very furious that he mustered up strength to ask me out after i initially hurt him and i still rejected him. And when I caught my senses a week later and asked him to take me back, he said no and has stuck to it since.

 

So in a desperate attempt, I asked if we could be friends , but he said he couldn't be my friend right now as doing that might get him sucked back in, but in time. I continued to beg for the friendship but he has been keeping his distance and he is still fueld by anger. He is angry with me.

 

But 2 months have passed and we finally had 2 decent face to face conversations and while he's still hurt he isn't as furious as he once was. He's still angry yes, but it's since decreased. In fact we laughed, smiled, flirrted a bit. I sat on top of him, cried , he'd wipe my tears from my face and said stuff like "i dont like seeing ppl i care about cry" and "that ill always be here for you no matter what" etc. etc.

 

Stuff like this I would NEVER imagine him doing or saying 2 months ago with all his anger he had. I would rest my head on him and he'd hold me and do weird stuff like your ex does stuff like fix my clothes while im talken to him, fixed my hair etc, bump my head with his. just cute stuff.

 

And when I was about to leave, he asked me to stay back and to invite my brother over (he's cool with my brother)......

 

He also began to question me what ive been up to and went through my cell phone to see if ive been talkin to ppl (while it wasn't a thorough check, he still glanced and bit) and found nothing to throw against me. Im glad he went through my phone actually and i gladly gave it to him because it shows he's still "curious".

 

Anyway, im rambling but the point is - after his anger decreased and we became much more civil, I began to read signals and our friendly interactions were causing me to fall deeper and deeper for him. It made my heart grow more and more.......but the fact of the matter is, he's not willing to give us another try not out of lack of love, but out of lack of trust over me.

 

So after our meeting, the tables turned and now I told him I myself dont think I can be his friend afterall, because while im having fun sitting with you here and joking around /flirrting, its reminding me TOO MUCH of how we use to be. And its painful.

 

Ive never told him I cant be his friend up until now. And as a result he was shocked and he wants me in his life still and doesn't want me to cut myself out. In fact he insisited that "you're gonna see me again"

I think what happend here is that he always thought id be in his life in some form so he had power. But he minute i said , I cant be his friend, it caught him off guard.

 

( Its weird how the human pysche works:

 

Person A tells person B i dont want you in my life. Person B begs and begs Person A to re-consider but Person A is adamanet.

 

But when Person B says, "you're right" i cant be in your life, it suddently catches Person A off guard b/c they always thought B would be there , hence Person A starts to re-consider!)

 

 

But honestly, my emotions, my feelings for him are too strong - so strong that no I cannot be his friend.

 

Today will make 1 week of complete NC and Im thinking its the only way to go.......not only that, but I have to cut off all reminders of him - people/places/things etc and do a complete erase.

 

I only want him to contact me back IF and ONLY IF he wants to give us another try. I can't settle for anything else.

 

Think about it like this - do you have any intimate feelings for your regular friends? I doubt it. If your friend starts to talk to you about guys/girls, does it bother you? Of course not. And thats why friends can be friends b/c there was never and never will be any romantic intimate attachment between them.

 

I was a fool to think I could be his friend. While ya a friend might give me a chance to still see him - whats the point of me seeing him when its paining me too much?

 

If the sight of your ex makes your heart start to beat fast , your kneess shake and you cant seem to take your eyes off of them, then that is NOT a friend. Best thing to do is keep away at all costs and only accept them back into their life as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

[TheDovic]

To Mack - Thanks for the advice dude it makes a lot of sense. And you're right, I'm writing the same thing desperately looking for reassurance! But as everyone on this site knows it's easy to cling onto the tiniest glimmer of hope. kinda gets me through another day thinking I might still have a chance but really I know I'm just torturing myself and prolonging my pain.

 

To gbadboy - Really interesting perspective on the human psyche, and it makes a lot of sense. Can I ask, did you say to your ex you wanted them back before going nc so he will know he can have you back in his life if it is as part of a relationship?

[gbadboy]

Yes Dovic.

 

I made it absolutely clear to him that I can't be his friend and that I want more and if I can't have more than this is probably the last time I'm going to see you.

 

He sort of freaked and said , "you're going to see me again". I replied, "how am I suppose to be friends with someone I love?"

 

He replied, "well people do do it....." (which doesn't make sense b/c in our earlier conversation that day he claims, I truly dont love him)

 

He then said "So you ruined our relationship and now you want to ruin our friendship?"

 

I don't believe he thinks I have the strength to cut him out completely. I strongly believe he feels im just being an over-dramatic person filled with emotions. I don't think he thinks I'm being serious especially because for the past 2 months ive been trying so hard to get him back. I think he thinks I will never give up and that ill always be there.

 

I myself don't know if I have the strength to do it..........but......Im praying that I find the strength. I know time will help.

 

If I ever get a text from my ex similiar to the one you got from your ex - I would reply , "I miss you too but its impossible for me to be your friend because I still love you. If you can't give me more than that , then we have to go our seperate ways"

[TheDovic]

Thanks gbadboy. I appreciate the help

[jenjen83]

Me- can't believe I'll never see u again

Him- you don't *have* to never see me again, that's up to you

Me- it is?

Him- of course

Me-you'd meet up as friends?

Him- of course I would

 

I really don't understand men.

Edited September 15, 2011 by jenjen83

[radiodarcy]

yes. but as always it had to be on his terms. which meant i had to be content and listen to him talk about the other girls he was dating and i wasn't allowed to get upset or uncomfortable about it.

 

he just could not understand why i couldn't get past my feelings and get on with the friendship. i got tired of trying to explain it to him so i simply ended the friendship.

 

i am not a robot and i refuse to shut down my feelings on his time.

 

as Thornton said, you really can't be friends with an ex - - ever. there really do need to be boundaries when a relationship ends. of course, i should have seen the red flags when my ex told me he was friends w/ all of his exes; because he still cares about them. and just about every woman he ever dated had a problem with it - - gee i wonder why.

[fiat500]

It's never an offer of true friendship though. It's forcing you to forgive them if you agree to it so they don't have to feel guilty about their decision. It's having their cake and eating it. They get to date other people and still have the benefit of you but as just a friend.

 

My ex threw me under a bus when he dumped me. He told me I was crazy and that I changed even though he was the one that went off to college. He said all these cruel and heartless things.

 

Then. When i went to finally pick up my stuff at his house (he was never planning to return them to me, i had to call to get them) he asked if there was ANY CHANCE of being friends in the future. It was insane. Here he had been on the phone telling me that I was crazy and not giving me a chance to defend myself and then he asks to be friends. If I was so crazy, why would he want to be friends with me???? Because he's a selfish b*tch and all the excuses he spat over the phone for dumping me were just that. Excuses and lies.