Mike's Problem

[MaddMike07]

I found out my wife was having an affair with someone she met online. She's known him for over a year and a half... she started talking when my wife's and my relationship had a problem after about 10 years a marriage and five children we grew apart. I stopped talking to her and she tried to talk to me but i was too much of and ass to listen. Her online relationship has advanced greatly he lives in Fargo and us in NY.. He travels for his job and tries to come here to visit her.. I have found out all this because my wife first by mistake left her email up and I read it about 3 or 4 months ago. A week ago I found her password she left it by mistake in the yahoo sign on. So I used it and read all her conversations. My heart hit the ground, I feel like i'm loosing everything, I've called him on the phone, threatened to Kill him and he won't stop messing with my wife and she seems to be eating it up to him, but to me she says she's working on things with us. She wanted to see him I told her she could but we needed a divorce first and she would have to move out and I wanted the House and the Children. This upset her, not what I was looking to do. I told her to stop the relationship with him and come back to our family and she thinks she needs to see him first to make that decision. I don't want her to see him. What I need is some help. I need to know when the 100 lb. weight leave my chest. Everyday I feel like I could die of a heart a tack.. Bottom line. I don't want my wife to leave I don't want my family to break up. I just have so much pain and anger to deal with and have no one to help me with it.. Please help...

[TigerCub]

Hey Mike,

 

First of all, I am sorry you're going through all this.

 

Now onto the important stuff.

I honestly think that she left her email open so you would see it.

she "mistakenly" left the password for you to find.

 

You gave her the reaction she wants

You called the guy and threatened him.

Guy wont back down and now you're only threatening divorce if she goes to see him - no consequences really (unless she does go), and you and the guy are giving her the ego boost she wants.

 

I told her to stop the relationship with him and come back to our family and she thinks she needs to see him first to make that decision. I don't want her to see him.

Tell her you're making the decision for her. You're filing for divorce - and actually start the procedure.

 

Look, I know that you don't want to lose your family and all that, but if she actually sees that you're not full of s**t, she'll really reevaluate things. But if you're begging and pleading and politely asking her "to stop the relationship with him", she'll just go ahead and do what she wants because, what are ya really gonna do?

 

She should be the one begging you for a second chance, and willing to end the A, go to counseling, and really try to fix things, but it doesn't seem like she's really stressing so much about all that - so you need to stand firm and actually show through your actions that you mean what you say and you'll do what you say you will.

 

Otherwise your choices are:

- accept that she has a boyfriend

- go kill the boyfriend (not really)

- actually that's pretty much it ...

[Bugz Bunny]

First her affair isn't your fault and only your W is responsable for the affair...

 

Don't beg her because it's always the same with this stuff...when the BS begs the WS to stay he sounds needy and unattractive and then the WS continues with the Affair until suddenly the BS learns that he must be a lot harder to WS...but until he gets that,the damage is allready done ( i mean in your case PA)...

 

So my advice to you is: man up,file for divorce,she must see that you are serious about this and most important work on yourself and fight for your kids....if she doesn't come back and if she thinks that the OM is worth destroying her familly and a 10 years long marriage then she doesn't deserve you...

 

If you dont respect yourself then neither will she respect you...

 

P.S. try the 180

[Spark1111]

Obviously,this is an intense and long-term emotional affair where they have not yet been able to meet to turn it physical.

 

Can you live with that? Knowing she gets on a plane and has sex with this guy?

 

You need to tell her that you are filing for divorce. Do not call the OM up again and threaten him. Why? You will be fueling the drama and affairs thrive on drama.

 

Stay calm but stay firm. When you erupt in anger it just continues to justify, at least in her head, that OM is a better choice for her. Don't give her, or him, the ammo.

 

You need to have conditions, non-negotiable, communicated to her as what will be necessary on HER part to stay married to you:

 

No Contact, ever again, with OM.

 

Access and passwords to cell phone and email accounts = transparency.

 

IC and MC to restore your marriage.

 

Good luck!

[Doo]

Ask your wife to at least take out a term life insurance policy naming the children as the beneficiaries before she flies out to bang this guy.

 

That way if he turns out to be a serial killer you will get some funds to hire a day-care provider.

[Osiris1234]

I've called him on the phone, threatened to Kill him and he won't stop messing with my wife and she seems to be eating it up to him, but to me she says she's working on things with us.

 

Tell him you will get the police involved and have a restraining order against him if he doesn't back off, and tell your wife she is forbidden to contact him anymore.

 

She wanted to see him I told her she could but we needed a divorce first and she would have to move out and I wanted the House and the Children. This upset her, not what I was looking to do.

 

Dude regardless thats what you weren't looking to do, you actually did the right thing, she needs to realize the consequences of her actions by ANY means necessary. DO NOT let up until she finally comes to her senses, BE A MAN AND TAKE CONTROL, THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT!.

 

 

I told her to stop the relationship with him and come back to our family and she thinks she needs to see him first to make that decision.

 

Tell her she can go see him but your coming along and if she refuses because she wants to see him alone then **** that.

 

But yeah you really need to go ahead and file the divorce and make the decision for her.

 

DONT BE A DOORMAT

[Decimated]

Mike, We my wife and I were married for 12 years with 3 children at that time. We enjoy a upper middle class life style with all of the trimmings. We had a good marriage and we were happy...or so I thought.

 

I discovered my wife was having an affair 2 years ago. I found cell records showing texts and calls between them going back 3 months. She told me they were just friends. She wouldn’t admit to anything other then that. I was angry. I told her to never speak to him again or I will divorce her. She agreed and ended it. Like you I never thought my wife would do anything like this either. It was out of character for her, or at least the her that I knew.

 

That was in August 2009. We focused on each other and everything seemed to be fine after that. I thought I had just dodged a bullet. She seemed happy and I considered us reconciled. With in 3 months the EA she told me she ended turned into a PA. I didn’t find out until December 2010…it had been going on for a year. She had become such a skilled liar she was able to take it under ground for over a year before I began to realize what was going on.

 

As time went on I began to feel her distancing from me. I started digging again and discovered little bits and pieces of info…nothing conclusive. She admitted they were still friends and this time she admitted it was an EA only. I kept digging but I couldn’t find out anything. I gave her the same ultimatum as before… never speak to him again or I will divorce you. She began to drag her feet this time. Finally I went to see some attorneys. Only then did she start to comply with my demands. It still took months for her to stop contact. The GPS tracker I put on her car showed that they had met a couple times in parking lots during the day.

 

She was taking her sweet old time disconnecting from him and still lying about it. She finally did stop but it took months. Our recovery was going slow after that…she was morning the loss of him. Nothing sucks worse than watching your wife go through this. No one is morning for me and my pain! Out of frustration I contacted the OM’s wife to expose the OM.

 

It turns out she knew more than me. She sent me many months worth of messages between my wife and the OM….all in order. This was the most painful stuff I have ever read. It took days to get through it. It literally destroyed me inside. She had stopped contact by this point but now I knew the full extent of the truth. It was a full blown PA. My point is my wife would have taken her secret to her grave. She was so filled with shame and fear that I would leave her that she can hardly talk about it. My healing and our progress have been much better since that day but it has been pure hell.

 

I was too afraid to follow the advice from the folks on this board. Their advice was simple…file for divorce. Nothing wakes up a cheating spouse like a fresh set of divorce papers. You can still work on reconciliation in the mean time. This will show her that you are serious. Bluffing will not work…trust me. I tried this. Their affair is like an addiction. You must come down on them like a ton of iron. Cheaters need to experience the consequences from their actions and an EA IS cheating. Given time and opportunity, it will become a PA. She needs to see what she will lose. Cheaters have to be broken…so to speak.

 

Not a day goes by when I didn’t wish I had just filled for divorce. I wish I would have done it at the beginning. The emotional and physical toll is overwhelming…and deadly in the long run. I lost 13 lbs in the first month alone. Filing would have saved me 2 years of my life and her EA would have stopped at an EA…not a PA. You need to get to the point where you feel the anger (not violence) of her betrayal. She must not see a door mat when she looks at you. You shouldn't just settle for bring happy that she is still there with you...that is not nearly enough. Remember...talk is cheap and from her right now, it means nothing! She needs to learn a lesson. She must fear what you will do, and what could happen if she decides to fool you again. My wife was afraid that her family and our children would find out what she did. I told her if I divorce her I will tell them the truth. I will not take the blame for her failure in our marriage.

 

Look at it this way. If you file, she will know you are serious. This could be enough to get her out of the fog. If she stops her affair and totally recommits to your marriage, that’s good right? You can always stop the divorce process. If she doesn’t stop her affair then your marriage is over and you have your answer. Either way, you will have your answer. The sooner you move forward with her or move on without her…the better off you will be. Remember, you can’t stay where you are now.

 

The same goes for exposing their affair to his wife and family. Is he married? If he is married and his marriage breaks up as a result of your exposure, and your wife leaves to go with him…you will have your answer. If she stays with you…you will still have your answer.

 

Ask yourself: Do I want to spend the rest of your life wondering where she is, what she is doing, and with whom she is doing it with? You now know what she is capable of in terms of deception.

 

Please learn from my mistakes. Don’t wait for something to happen…make it happen! You must control the situation…not her. She has been bulling you around with her lies and deceit for long enough.

 

Good luck my friend. I feel your pain.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Decimated

[SerenitySeeking]

I was too afraid to follow the advice from the folks on this board. Their advice was simple…file for divorce. Nothing wakes up a cheating spouse like a fresh set of divorce papers. You can still work on reconciliation in the mean time. This will show her that you are serious. Bluffing will not work…trust me. I tried this. Their affair is like an addiction. You must come down on them like a ton of iron. Cheaters need to experience the consequences from their actions and an EA IS cheating. Given time and opportunity, it will become a PA. She needs to see what she will lose. Cheaters have to be broken…so to speak.

 

 

I agree with Decimated. By allowing her to see this other man you are giving her permission to act however she wants. You are also telling her that you are happy to be her doormat. She will make use of this position and abuse it terribly.

 

However, there is a downside to 'shocking' your WS into coming back to you. Be careful of reconciliation being offered and moving at 'her pace'. This is often a ploy to keep you sweet and buy time while she thinks things through a little longer. It allows her to prepare herself until SHE is ready to pull the trigger. I know because I did it and I am not proud of it. The pattern is easy to see for those outside of the situation but not to those who are hoping for more.

 

The bottom line is we bet on your love for us to hold out as long as we will do just enough to keep you hoping. It's cruel and utterly selfish but it is a conscious choice we make.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this. You need to remember that you do deserve better and that someone that is madly and deeply in love with you does not cheat. I've lived through that side too so I am personally aware of the difference.

[jnj express]

She DOES NOT get to see the other guy

 

Tell her if she wants to see him, to take her clothes, toiletries, and all her personal belonings with her, and she is not to come back to the family--You make it plain---IF SHE CHOOSES to go to the other man---the mge. is OVER---then and there.

 

You need to yank her out of the fog

 

She doesn't know a da*n thing about thig guy, cept what he wants her to know---

 

You have to be tuff about this----tell your wife, you know you cannot control what she does, but you do control what you do, and you do control what will happen to the family, and if she chooses him over you, then that is fine, but that will be it for the mge.

 

Also tell her the minute she leaves to see him, you will consider the 2 of you as seperated, so she will from that moment on be responsible for all her own finances, but also for paying her half of ALL the bills

 

Do not take any BS, from her, just lay it out for her, and walk away---do not argue--be icy calm, and let her know you are DEADLY SERIOUS---you do not do this now---what you feel later if she sees him, and it continues will be a million times worse for you----heed the advice you get here, if is full of experience

[Steadfast]

By a very large percentage, when a wife openly admits attraction for another man, she's already gone. Her feelings for you have died...at least, romantically. There remains conflict however, and real world issues (divorce and separation from her children, financial worries, loss of respect, etc) are magnified when the reality of her actions is realized.

 

Things can only get to this point if you put them there. And you have to.

 

Understand that no amount of talking from you or anyone else will change her mind. No counseling, no pressure from family or friends NOTHING will change her feelings. In fact, the opposition will strengthen them. What will bring her out of the fog? Only her. Her mind, her heart and her brain.

 

I know it is incredibly heartbreaking and sad, but your only chance at this point is to methodically shut down the marriage. No threats, no temper fits, no begging and no show of fear. Don't act...proceed with the solemn knowledge that your wife does not love you any longer, and take action to end the suffering the quickest way possible. Keep in mind that you deserve, and will have better. Real love demands no less. Do you understand?

 

In some cases, when a wayward wife really, truly sees what she's about to lose it'll snap her back. Sadly, this is a very rare occurrence. She's been mentally weighing this in her mind for far longer than you have, and chances are she's already worked out most of the possible scenarios. But reality is far different than even the best made plans, especially if her dream man doesn't pan out. If he doesn't, she'll likely just move on to another one...she's convinced herself she's unhappy and has to. Know this.

 

The high majority of wayward wives leave and never return. In time and after doing the work, you may feel you wouldn't want her back. Life is too short to be married to a cheater. It takes a tremendous amount of work to repair the damage. That's asking a lot of a woman who's love is gone.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

Edited September 16, 2011 by Steadfast

[sadcalifornian]

I have nothing to say as I agree with all the previous responses. You must take a hard stance and have the will to exercise it. If you make empty threat, she will call it bluff. Also, if the OM refuses to back down even after your contact and threat, then this is guy is a real pro at this. And, a ruthless scumbag. Your WW really chose a winner.

 

I especially agree with Steadfast saying if the wife openly admits A and continue insisting meeting him up, she should be considered a gonner. Do not hold hopes up, and just move on. If she has any shred of sanity left, she will wake up and come back begging to you. If not, then you just continue on. You must detach your feelings and take hard actions now !

[SoleMate]

Tell him you will get the police involved and have a restraining order against him if he doesn't back off, and tell your wife she is forbidden to contact him anymore.

Sorry, I know of no state where a restraining order will be issued on the request of a third party, to prevent contact between two willing people. That's not the way it works....

 

But the OM probably COULD get a restraining order against the husband, as he has threatened murder.

[robf1971]

 

Stop this cr*p right now.

 

Take a deep breath and think about what women find attractive in a man. Yep, Calm, decisive, strong, decision making.. . Quite honestly you are showing your wife the very opposite of this behaviour.

 

Secondly, You need to stop talking and start acting.

 

Lawyer, now!! get protected findout your rights. You need to protect yourself and your family. Then pack your wife's belongings into boxes put them next to the door. Be nice to her, " wife I get it now, you want to be with OM and that's fine because I want you to be with him" So I've packed your stuff up and will even help you move.. Set her free!!

 

When she (ineviteibly)freaks out at you and start shouting, you say in a calm but firm voice

 

"until you can speak to me in a civil and friendly tone this conversation is over" then walk away. (it also helps if you have a voice activated recorder on you at all times, just in case she pulls some funny stuff and calls the police)

 

 

Once she's gone, drop her like a bad habit, only answer calls or texts if it's related to the kids. Get yourself in shape, I recommend a bicycle and pretty vigourous exercise every day, it will help you sleep and make you feel better. It's also about respecting yourself,

 

Then join some new social groups, get out meet new people (no cheating) try new things, anything to take your mind off this train wreck even for an hour or two. There's loads more but I've given you enough to be getting on with.

[robf1971]

Mike, We my wife and I were married for 12 years with 3 children at that time. We enjoy a upper middle class life style with all of the trimmings. We had a good marriage and we were happy...or so I thought.

 

I discovered my wife was having an affair 2 years ago. I found cell records showing texts and calls between them going back 3 months. She told me they were just friends. She wouldn’t admit to anything other then that. I was angry. I told her to never speak to him again or I will divorce her. She agreed and ended it. Like you I never thought my wife would do anything like this either. It was out of character for her, or at least the her that I knew.

 

That was in August 2009. We focused on each other and everything seemed to be fine after that. I thought I had just dodged a bullet. She seemed happy and I considered us reconciled. With in 3 months the EA she told me she ended turned into a PA. I didn’t find out until December 2010…it had been going on for a year. She had become such a skilled liar she was able to take it under ground for over a year before I began to realize what was going on.

 

As time went on I began to feel her distancing from me. I started digging again and discovered little bits and pieces of info…nothing conclusive. She admitted they were still friends and this time she admitted it was an EA only. I kept digging but I couldn’t find out anything. I gave her the same ultimatum as before… never speak to him again or I will divorce you. She began to drag her feet this time. Finally I went to see some attorneys. Only then did she start to comply with my demands. It still took months for her to stop contact. The GPS tracker I put on her car showed that they had met a couple times in parking lots during the day.

 

She was taking her sweet old time disconnecting from him and still lying about it. She finally did stop but it took months. Our recovery was going slow after that…she was morning the loss of him. Nothing sucks worse than watching your wife go through this. No one is morning for me and my pain! Out of frustration I contacted the OM’s wife to expose the OM.

 

It turns out she knew more than me. She sent me many months worth of messages between my wife and the OM….all in order. This was the most painful stuff I have ever read. It took days to get through it. It literally destroyed me inside. She had stopped contact by this point but now I knew the full extent of the truth. It was a full blown PA. My point is my wife would have taken her secret to her grave. She was so filled with shame and fear that I would leave her that she can hardly talk about it. My healing and our progress have been much better since that day but it has been pure hell.

 

I was too afraid to follow the advice from the folks on this board. Their advice was simple…file for divorce. Nothing wakes up a cheating spouse like a fresh set of divorce papers. You can still work on reconciliation in the mean time. This will show her that you are serious. Bluffing will not work…trust me. I tried this. Their affair is like an addiction. You must come down on them like a ton of iron. Cheaters need to experience the consequences from their actions and an EA IS cheating. Given time and opportunity, it will become a PA. She needs to see what she will lose. Cheaters have to be broken…so to speak.

 

Not a day goes by when I didn’t wish I had just filled for divorce. I wish I would have done it at the beginning. The emotional and physical toll is overwhelming…and deadly in the long run. I lost 13 lbs in the first month alone. Filing would have saved me 2 years of my life and her EA would have stopped at an EA…not a PA. You need to get to the point where you feel the anger (not violence) of her betrayal. She must not see a door mat when she looks at you. You shouldn't just settle for bring happy that she is still there with you...that is not nearly enough. Remember...talk is cheap and from her right now, it means nothing! She needs to learn a lesson. She must fear what you will do, and what could happen if she decides to fool you again. My wife was afraid that her family and our children would find out what she did. I told her if I divorce her I will tell them the truth. I will not take the blame for her failure in our marriage.

 

Look at it this way. If you file, she will know you are serious. This could be enough to get her out of the fog. If she stops her affair and totally recommits to your marriage, that’s good right? You can always stop the divorce process. If she doesn’t stop her affair then your marriage is over and you have your answer. Either way, you will have your answer. The sooner you move forward with her or move on without her…the better off you will be. Remember, you can’t stay where you are now.

 

The same goes for exposing their affair to his wife and family. Is he married? If he is married and his marriage breaks up as a result of your exposure, and your wife leaves to go with him…you will have your answer. If she stays with you…you will still have your answer.

 

Ask yourself: Do I want to spend the rest of your life wondering where she is, what she is doing, and with whom she is doing it with? You now know what she is capable of in terms of deception.

 

Please learn from my mistakes. Don’t wait for something to happen…make it happen! You must control the situation…not her. She has been bulling you around with her lies and deceit for long enough.

 

Good luck my friend. I feel your pain.

 

Totally priceless, ignore this at your peril.