ashamedandconfused Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Typical me... Not able to process my thoughts and feelings on my own I run to the internet... I am separated from my husband, and here is the whole sordid story... About a month ago I went out for 'lunch' with colleagues, got horribly drunk and my husband found me in a colleague's car without my bra on after frantically searching and phoning me - worried sick... I did not have intercourse with the other man, there was attempted kissing of me and attempted fondling of my breasts. Husband kicked me out, which was expected of course. For a week I was in a haze, trying to figure out why I allowed myself to drink so much and be taken advantage of. Truth was, I wanted to be rebellious, to 'show' my husband that if I want to go out for drinks I could. Just shows you that I can't be trusted, so he was right to not like me going out by myself. Anyway, after a week he took me back and I claimed that there was nothing else to hide. All lies... I had struck up a friendship with a colleague (not the same one I ended up in the car with) and he seemed genuinely to take interest in what I was doing, how I was feeling... Suppose all the things I had led myself to believe that my husband didn't feel at that stage. Not blaming anyone but myself. So for a month we were together, and the irony is that during this month I fell in love with my husband all over again. He was making time to truly talk to me, to listen to all the emotions I had been keeping inside of me for so long (that's a sever problem I have - instead of expressing how I am feeling, I rather just keep it all bottled up inside... until the day it became a huge festering cancer of resentment and anger for my husband.) You see, he is straight-forward, expresses himself no matter what. He is confident and is not afraid to tell you what he is thinking, without thinking if it may hurt you. He doesn't think it will hurt because that is not his intention. So keeping lies only served to increase his distrust of me, because little by little he found out more and more things I was convering up, until last week where I was forced into a corner and confessed to having kissed this other guy and having sent him a photo with lingerie on and a photo that was topless. Disgusting I know. Abhorrent actually. The frightening thing is that I am not even attracted to this other guy. i did not send and do these things because I wanted to arouse myself or him. I did it because I wanted attention, I enjoyed being wanted. He is sexually promiscuous, enjoys threesomes, pornography, enjoys using foul language. He encouraged me to send photos, I did it because I wasn't true to myself. I have never ever thought of doing things like that, not even for my husband. He encouraged me to swear, I said okay. i even led him to believe I might entertain the idea of being the third member of a threesome with him and his girlfriend, but I would never ever have! Why did I do that? Why was I so desperate so as to change who I was so as to be liked by another man other than my husband??? So now my husband obviously wants divorce. I want to fight for him. I made so many mistakes ultimately because I was resentful and angry and i think so many years of not being honest (in terms of my feelings) just caught up with me. All me! Not my husband. i could have chosen other ways to deal with it, but no... I think i have severe self-esteem issues. I went through a stage where I would look at any man and wonder if he thinks I am pretty. When I look at other women I compare... nicer hair, smaller nose, fuller lips... i was obsessed with looks!!!! I have serious issues. i have to fix them before I can possibly think of expecting my husband to try with me again. At this stage, he can't even bear to use the same bedding I touched, says I have made him feel dirty.... I am so disgusted with what I have done, so remorseful, so ashamed... So sorry.... i truly love my husband, suppose everyone is thinking too little too late.
Bugz Bunny Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 What to say...some people just love to complicate their lifes...you love your H but you kiss other guys...this is really a strange love because when you love someone you don't hurt him,but you allready have two times with two different guys... How old are both of you ? How long are you married ? Do you have children ? What kind of help do you want from this forum ?
Author ashamedandconfused Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 What to say...some people just love to complicate their lifes...you love your H but you kiss other guys...this is really a strange love because when you love someone you don't hurt him,but you allready have two times with two different guys... i think is was because i was so obsessed with my own feelings of being wanted and liked and all the years of suppressing my emotions of hurt to my husband that I eventually became so resentful - do you not believe that you can hurt people you love? How old are both of you ? 30 How long are you married ? 4 years Do you have children ? no What kind of help do you want from this forum ? just want people's opinions on why I would embark on this destructive behaviour and whether they think that true love can get through this, with the help of God....
rafallus Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I think you may have deeper underlying issues, nobody here can help you with, and you should seek professional help.
TBH Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 just want people's opinions on why I would embark on this destructive behaviour and whether they think that true love can get through this, with the help of God.... you did this because you have issues. everyone is different and the reason you have these issues is something you will need to work through with a therapist. true love can conquer all they say, well i suppose thats true for some people but everyone has their limits. Whether or not you will get back together with your husband, who can tell? Allow him the right to make his own decision about whether or not he wants to be with you. move out. seek therapy. get yourself together. this is the only thing you have the power to do, you dont have the power to fix your relationship so fix your own problems. time will tell in the end but I know most people wouldnt entertain the idea of forgiving unless they saw real genuine change in the other person. and when i say change I mean its not something you can prove to him, its something people notice in you, when you realise that seeking help isnt about getting him back, its about becoming the kind of person who is happy and confident in themselves and therefore deserving of a loving relationship.
karnak Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 you did this because you have issues. everyone is different and the reason you have these issues is something you will need to work through with a therapist. true love can conquer all they say, well i suppose thats true for some people but everyone has their limits. Whether or not you will get back together with your husband, who can tell? Allow him the right to make his own decision about whether or not he wants to be with you. move out. seek therapy. get yourself together. this is the only thing you have the power to do, you dont have the power to fix your relationship so fix your own problems. time will tell in the end but I know most people wouldnt entertain the idea of forgiving unless they saw real genuine change in the other person. and when i say change I mean its not something you can prove to him, its something people notice in you, when you realise that seeking help isnt about getting him back, its about becoming the kind of person who is happy and confident in themselves and therefore deserving of a loving relationship. Good advice.
Author ashamedandconfused Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 its about becoming the kind of person who is happy and confident in themselves and therefore deserving of a loving relationship. Thank you - I think you have hit the nail on the head. I have moved out.. and I am leaving him free to make his own decision.... and I have started working on my issues. Getting to the bottom of why I did what I did...
TBH Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Thank you - I think you have hit the nail on the head. I have moved out.. and I am leaving him free to make his own decision.... and I have started working on my issues. Getting to the bottom of why I did what I did... I wish you the best of luck and although you've done wrong (who hasnt?) you can always come back stronger and happier than before.
nofool4u Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 For a week I was in a haze, trying to figure out why I allowed myself to drink so much and be taken advantage of. but you were not taken advantage of. you can say anything else, but don't try to make it sound like you had no control over what you were doing. and nobody that truly loves their spouse will do what you did. I know you said you want to fight the divorce, but if it is your husband's wishes, you should honor them. honor HIS needs for once.
nofool4u Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 just want people's opinions on why I would embark on this destructive behaviour and whether they think that true love can get through this, with the help of God.... you already answered your own question in your first post. you wanted to be wanted by someone other than your husband. you wanted the attention. Its all there in your first post. and "true love" doesn't apply here because if there was "true love" you wouldn't have did what you did and you wouldn't be seeking validation from other men. you simply have to deal with the divorce now. you can try to convince your husband that you will never do this again and stay away from going out for drinks, but in the end, if he is adamant about divorcing, you should honor that and do right by him in the divorce.
Doo Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 just want people's opinions on why I would embark on this destructive behaviour and whether they think that true love can get through this, with the help of God.... It sounds like you might be an immature woman who reached adulthood with unresolved "daddy issues." So you need to explore the relationship you had with your father. Your sexually promiscuous behavior basically sounds like the maturity level of a little girl who is acting out for attention. I don't think you can save this marriage but you will have other relationships in the future (obviously it's easy enough for you to attract other men). You need to figure out why you believe the only way for you to attract the attention you think you deserve is with you vagina. Surely you must have other non-sexual aspects of your personality that merit attention?
Osiris1234 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I did it because I wanted attention, I enjoyed being wanted. So your saying your an attention whore and that your husband never showed that he "wanted you"? Why did I do that? Why was I so desperate so as to change who I was so as to be liked by another man other than my husband??? From what I have seen, maybe a midlife crisis? Maybe you wanted to see if you were still attractive? I find it retarded how they (people) justify it by saying they needed to know If they still have it. That is just a lame-ass excuse to sleep with other people. So now my husband obviously wants divorce. I want to fight for him. Gaining back trust takes time, and im not talking a month or 2, im talking MONTHS, maybe even YEARS, you better do ALOT for him if you want him back. Also you need to be completely honest with your husband and tell him EVERYTHING you've done, tell the other guys you've been with to **** off and that your getting your marriage back on track and to not contact you, severe all ties with them.
Severely Unamused Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I think you may have deeper underlying issues, nobody here can help you with, and you should seek professional help. Yes. Your problems go far beyond anything that anybody on LS could tell you. As for your husband...just respect and be mindful of his feelings. This goes without saying, whether or not he decides to stay with you.
reboot Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 true love does not cheat, true love is pure not disgusting. Someone has been watching too many chick flicks.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 just want people's opinions on why I would embark on this destructive behaviour and whether they think that true love can get through this, with the help of God.... Low self esteem and very little impulse control. I'm not sure if you can salvage things from this point. I don't think he can fully trust you again... and can you really trust yourself completely? I would highly suggest some kind of counseling.
jnj express Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 1st you need to understand, what you did was not a mistake, it was planned, and carried out with deceit and lies Did you have any type of F O O issues/problems???? It is probably way to late, but if you do get a 2nd chance you need to communicate about everything If you do love your H, and I don't know why he would believe you or wanna try with you, but if you truly do----you might try starting the courting process all over again, as when you 1st met each other Ask him on a date, send him flowers---its worth a try---you have nothing else going for you
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Wow. You sound a lot like that other new member from last week who was "accidentally unfaithful" to her husband. Maybe you can find her thread and provide mutual support.
sadcalifornian Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 You sound immensly immature. Well, another what could've been a fine marriage down the toilet... so, what's new?
michelangelo Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 You wanted to destroy your marriage and try to both say "it's my fault" and then explain it away with comments about drinking and confusion. There is no confusion, you wanted out of your marriage but want to be a some kind of victim. You screwed up royally and your husband didn't deserve this and rightly has decided to remove himself from your life. Good for him! As for yourself? You should take this opportunity to fix what is wrong with you with the help of a trained professional. Otherwise, you will repeat this pattern of destructiveness over and over and with more extremity.
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