sarahrosex Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Just two short weeks ago my mother suddenly passed away. Naturally, I've been feeling really low, but for the most part handling it well. It's a bit of a rollercoaster, with happy and sad moments all wrapped into the days. My usually incredibly supportive and loving boyfriend has been acting strange. Everytime I bring it up, if I'm feeling low or if I simply send him a text to say I am missing my Mum (Anything along those lines) he just brushes it off. One night I was feeling really upset and he was just emotionally not there, and I bought it up and he was extremely apologetic saying "I will try my hardest to be more there for you", but nothing changed. I don't want to sound selfish, but at the moment I am feeling extremely alone. My mother was my everything, and I feel like I should be able to tell my boyfriend if I'm feeling sad. I don't expect him to counsel me, but I do expect just a kind word "It will get better", anything. Instead it's basically like "...so, how's that weather?" Am I being out of line here? We have been together six months, the last three have been long distance. Feeling pretty down at the moment.
lesoiseaux Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 This is just a guess based on my own experience, but I think your boyfriend is at a total loss what to do. When I'm feeling down and try to seek solace in my boyfriend (albeit for different reasons), he is very kind and tells me things will be fine. However, after a while of me continuously doing that, he shuts down a bit and simply stops saying those things. And I think because your situation is even more intense, he is REALLY unsure what to do or say. I think you should just let him know that you don't expect him to solve your problems, you just need some words of comfort when you're feeling down. That you really appreciate his sympathetic ear and shoulder to lean on, that that's all you need. That being said, I would encourage you to try to find additional sources of comfort and encouragement from people/things other than your boyfriend, especially since you are long distance. Talk to some friends, maybe a counselor as well? Are you able to talk to any family members? Maybe also try to do some volunteering or pick up a hobby -- that might sound kind of trite, I don't know, but I think you need to channel your emotions into DOING something as well. These are all things I'm currently trying to do, since I have also been feeling down lately, so maybe you could give them a try. Of course you can still depend on your boyfriend, but I think it will help you immensely to ALSO turn elsewhere. Hopefully your bf is just kind of confused and doesn't know how to proceed in such a delicate situation. Just my $0.02, I hope it helps.
creighton0123 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Leso is correct. Some people simply do not know how to respond to death/mourning/loss. If you need him to encourage you by saying things like "It will get better", then tell him that. Otherwise, he isn't going to know what to do or say in response to your grief.
HeavenOrHell Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Just wanted to say; so sorry for your loss (((((hugs)))))
Els Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know what I'm about to say sounds sexist, but IME, many people, especially men, aren't the best at comforting someone through words. Unfortunately, in an LDR, words are all you have. IMO, that is the crappiest part of an LDR - but it is more the fault of the distance than the person. It sucks that he's not being all the support you want him to be, after such a grievous loss. I guess what it comes down to, is if you feel he is trying. It isn't all that easy to tell, but regardless, you know better than us. If you feel he is, and the relationship is otherwise good, I would just tell myself that it is one of the pitfalls of an LDR, and cry on a female friend's shoulder instead.
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